foolinlove Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 Why did I think I was so different from the rest of you? Why did I think my situation and man was so different from the rest of the MM that OW describe on this board. Why did I think thing would work out once he moved out of the house with his W? Why does this hurt SOOOOO bad? When I knew I was setting myself up for disappointment and grief. And that is exactly what i got, a world of grief from this man. I have no where else to turn, you people are the only ones that understand EXACTLY what I am going thru. You are the only people who can help me understand what it is that keeps me hanging onto this poison of a man. To recap, MM moved out of home last year for 10 months. He moved back for 3. He moved out again this fall when I did NC for a few weeks. We have had our ups and downs since then. I was insecure he would go back, I drove by his house at night to make sure he was there, he busted me. I decided that I would have to put the past behind me if we were going to make this work. Turns out, I'm the only one trying to make it work. Basically he has lied to me, and I didnt' have to spy on him to find out the truth, turns out he can't even keep the lies straight in his head. He told me a while ago, that he had went out with friends and stayed at his house, then proceeds to tell me he didn't stay there...well..where do you think he went? The pain I feel is so incredible, I held it in for 2 days and decided I couldn't live my life like this. What did i want with a man who could lie to me straigtht to my face, AFTER we vowed that we would be open and honest from here on out. So I called him on it Sat morning, I said that i know he has lied, I was hurt, crying. What could he say? What could he do? Run over and promise to never do it again, apologize with every once of regret he has for hurting me? No, I didnt' hear from him all day. He calls me Sunday, I have nothing to say to him. He calls me this morning, still I have nothing to say. He has the nerve to say to me what is my problem? What is wrong with me? He has had it with me??? I am SO HURT, I can't even put into words the feeling of grief I feel. I hang up on him. He calls back, i tell him to leave me alone. He begins to tell me he wont' bother me, or call me, or hurt me anymore. I hang up again. I call him back and tell him he is selfish, and he hangs up on me. Is this man for real, doesn't he think I'm hurting enough then add salt to the wound by telling me ITS ME. I am such a fool. I feel so foolish and naive, to think that I would be different, that my situation would work out. That he would do right by me. I can recall 2 other times that he told me he stayed at a buddies, now I know where he really was. What hurts the most is that he recognizes where he went wrong with leaving last time, and how his coming around her home kept her hanging on. Then he continues to give her hope. It kills me to think he would do that to HER or I any longer. Like this hasn't went on long enough? for all of us. I wondered what was wrong with her to hold onto someone that doesn't want you back, but now I see why she was holding on, he was giving her something to hold onto. I truely feel like I'm losing it. I am sitting here at work balling my eyes out. Wanting to scream, cry, rant, rave. And all i can do is sit here holding it all inside. I couldn't of given myself to one man anymore than I have to him. It is crushing to think he could treat me this way. To turn it on me, although it doesn't surprise me, its how he opperates. In my head, I know that this is the end. I can't take anymore grief and hurt from this man. In my heart, I'm even more hurt because I trusted him, I put myself out there when my head said no, don't do it. I am a foolish follish girl, and i'm falling apart.
Ladylay Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 In my head, I know that this is the end. I can't take anymore grief and hurt from this man. In my heart, I'm even more hurt because I trusted him, I put myself out there when my head said no, don't do it. I am a foolish follish girl, and i'm falling apart Cyber hugs to you. You are not foolish, and you cant help who you fall for. You just made the wrong choice, your human.
lovernotafighter Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 foolinlove,I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I to am very glad I found these boards and have learned so much..I have my eyes wide open and am starting to feel the pain of my A and reading these posts know it isn't going to get better..only worse. ladylay is right..don't consider yourself a fool..we are all human and love happens to us sometimes with the wrong people or right people at the wrong time and we have no control over its power...especially the power to hurt us..sometimes I wish I could just shut my feelings off..but it is impossible. hang in there.we are here for ya.
DepressedWaiting Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 foolinlove, What was your MM's excuse for not finalizing a divorce and going back to his wife? Did he have kids? Or was he using finanical excuses to not divorce? I think I read that he had kids... correct me if I'm wrong. Sorry if you wrote this, I read it... but then I've read so many things today I'm losing track. His wife doesn't have to sign the divorce papers, he could have still gotten one. So it doesn't matter if she's holding on. He can still file for divorce and have one granted by the court without her ever signing papers. It would just take longer. Sorry for what you're going through. I know EXACTLY how you're feeling. The pain isunbearable, it's horrible. Hope your pain eases sooner than later.
Author foolinlove Posted March 13, 2006 Author Posted March 13, 2006 To answer some of your questions DW, yes they have one adopted child she is in High School. His reason the first time he went back was because someone was renting where he was staying, she wasn't staying at the home when he went back, when she came back he intended on leaving, then ....she had more people come and stay where he was staying. They have two houses. Then before you know it, weeks have passed and he was still there. So, I called it quits after 3 months. He left within a few weeks after me saying enough is enough. From what I understand, the papers are signed by him. She is going to file them. Within a specific amount of time if she did not file. He would get his own papers drawn up and file. He is a coward to do it himself because he wants HER to be the one to have left. That way he will appear not to be the bad guy? not sure on that one just speculating. He has tried not to make it terrible for her or his daughter. He wanted her to have the pride and confidence that SHE divorced HIM. But, turns out waiting on her is his first mistake. After he moved out the second time he did a 180. He quit going there for dinner (for his daughter he claimed at the time). He quit taking her calls. He quit fighting with her, because it only led to more grief. He has basically done everything I have asked of him. Well it turns out the most important thing I asked, not to lie to me and NOT to stay there then lie to me, wasn't on that list. And he was foolish enough to slip up. The fact of the matter is that he is playing both of us. I am now the one being lied to and cheated on (or so it feels). But atleast I know this now. And I know what kind of man he is.....and not one that I want to be with. There is nothing worse than being lied to, it destroys every ounce of respect and confidence you have in a person. I guess I'm so bummed because for SO LONG i thought he was different. I was going out of my mind with insecurity thinking he would go back to her, thinking he was staying there behind my back. He conviced me that i was destroying us by being so untrusting. I did EVERYTHING i could to change my way of thinking and acting. I didn't check up on him, I didn't question when he told me something. I believed him, I wanted a clean slate. Then this....and I never would have known if he wouldn't have got caught in his own web of lies. How could I ever believe anything he says ever again? How could I trust anything he says in regards to divorce. Bottom line, I couldn't. And I would drive myself mad in trying to. He will try like hell to make it right, make me forgive him. But I just can't, I can't cheat myself of my own happiness. I can't forgive him.
DepressedWaiting Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 When you said: "How could I trust anything he says in regards to divorce. Bottom line, I couldn't. And I would drive myself mad in trying to." I totally get that! I do the same thing with my MM. Deep down inside I think that he's not going to divorce and I'm forcing myself to believe otherwise while meanwhile driving myself crazy at the same time from pain and anxiety fighting against my gut instint. Arghhh
Owl Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 FIL- You're no more foolish than anyone else friend. Sadly, this happens all the time. But there is always the hope that somehow, someway, I'll beat the odds and be the exception to the rule. Your best bet now is to move on, and to get your own support system in place to help you deal with this. First off...change phone #s, email addresses, etc... Do so in order to KEEP things ended between you. Otherwise one or the other of you will fall back into this, and keep this cycle going on and on. Take every measure you can think of to limit his ability to contact you, and your ability to contact him if you get week. The next time he contacts you...tell him that you are done with him, and if he contacts you again you'll contact his wife to let her know that he's still trying to resume things with you. Painful I know, but it will scare him and finally force him to stop. Last thing on the contact issue...have a PLAN in place to deal with things like him showing up at your house, or calling you from a number you don't know...etc. At the same time...reach out to your friends and family. Start spending time that you WOULD have spent with him doing stuff with them. Try to occupy your time and your mind with other things...resume an old hobby, start a new one, etc... Going to a gym or running is good for this too...the more you physically wear yourself out, the better you'll sleep. You can get through this...it's time to shore your life up so that it stands on its own...WITHOUT HIM!
For You I Will Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 Foolinlove, My heart goes out to you. I just read your post & it breaks my heart. Every one of us think our MM is different. Every one of us thinks he doesn't lie to us. Every one of us thinks he is incredible & everything is gonna turn out perfect. Why do we let this happen to us?? There is so much pain involved w/ these type of men. All of us women deserve more than this. Yet, we all continue w/it. Girl, keep your head up & keep expressing your thoughts here. It helps a great amount. Eventually, it will soon get better.
scarletletter Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 None of this makes any sense to me...we are talking about MEN though, so I shouldn't be surprised. (no offense, Owl). I cannot believe that a man would string you along and then go back and forth...it just doesn't make any sense. All I can say is that you will be better off without him. One thing you don't need is someone lying to you when you don't fully trust them anyway, and then lying about lying!!! Wow...it must drive you completly insane. I feel for you...hope you get yourself together and do what you need to do.
Walking away Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 I am going through a break with my MM. He has refused to give up contacting me. I finally have been able to see that right now, he is thinking about himself, not what he is doing to me. Does he care that I am mentally screwed up when he contacts me? I am sure he knows. I let go several days ago, and believe it or not. The pain is less than it was with him. I was so scared to go through the pain of the breakup, but, actually, the pain DURING the relationship was so much worse. Hang in there. I am going through the same pain. Stay strong. Hugs to you...
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 None of this makes any sense to me...we are talking about MEN though, so I shouldn't be surprised. (no offense, Owl). I cannot believe that a man would string you along and then go back and forth...it just doesn't make any sense. All I can say is that you will be better off without him. One thing you don't need is someone lying to you when you don't fully trust them anyway, and then lying about lying!!! Wow...it must drive you completly insane. I feel for you...hope you get yourself together and do what you need to do. Read some recent posts by alwayslate. It's not always just MM who does that. His OW/MW is doing what your MM has been doing to you. Good luck and if you feel you need therapy to help you cope through your pain, consider it. You don't have to deal with this alone. The people here can help you, but if your heartache is affecting everything in your life, please go talk to someone.
Author foolinlove Posted March 14, 2006 Author Posted March 14, 2006 Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement, it means alot to me to know others understand and are/have suffered as I am now. Last night was rough on my mind and body, but I made it thru the night. Its amazing how many tears the body can produce. Overall, I am doing okay tho. I have been betrayed by the person who vowed to never hurt me and that really stings. But I keep saying to myself that atleast I know what kind of person he is/would have been to me. I don't believe he would have cheated on me with another woman. I just think he is too emotinally involved with his W to let go now, and I can see that now. Even tho he says that is what he wants more than anything, staying at her house IS NOT enforcing those feelings to her, someone who does not want to end the M. He did not call me last night, he is a coward and will prolly stay away from me until he thinks the smoke has cleared. I typed up a letter yesterday, expressing all my feelings, I will not give him this, but it helped to sort our my emotions. His actions has showed me that he is only thinking of himself, and perhaps his W, but not me. I gave this man YEARS of my life, and at 26 I am still young enough to walk away and find love. But honestly after reading on these boards, I don't think I could ever be trusting person. Too many people cheat, too many people lie. I can't even think about that right now. Its funny, just when you think you are going to be strong, your heart aches and you feel so weak, talking about him makes me fill with sorrow. It is like I have lost him forever, I don't even know who he is anymore, I think that is what is hurting the most. I lost my friend.
Walking away Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 I know the pain that you suffer. In the wee hours of the night, when everything is quiet...that is when my pain hits. I just go with it...I cry and let it out. This is part of the process. My way of letting go is to tell myself that what we had wasn't real...it was a fantasy. My MM swept me off my feet in ways that I didn't know were possible. Now, I must step back and realize that IT WASN"T REAL, for if it was, I wouldn't be where I am right now....hurting and sad. My MM has refused to stop contacting me. He tells me he wishes we could be friends. I am not naive enough to believe him. He wants me....on the side. Of this, I am absolutely sure of. Brace yourself....these men have a hard time letting go of the fantasy, too. Hugs to you from me. You are going to be okay.
Author foolinlove Posted March 14, 2006 Author Posted March 14, 2006 My MM has refused to stop contacting me. He tells me he wishes we could be friends. I am not naive enough to believe him. He wants me....on the side. Of this, I am absolutely sure of. Brace yourself....these men have a hard time letting go of the fantasy, too. Walking Away, How do you deal with his constant effort to real you back in? What do you say to him? What does he say to you? Do you cry when you talk to him? Does he show you efforts towards doing things for you? My MM did this to me when I went NC last fall, but he surprised me by moving out again. Then again surprised me by not following his old routine of eating dinner and spending time in the evening over at W and D home. I thought things were truely different this time around, he claims to have only crashed at her house, since it was near where his buddy lives. Regardless a lie is a lie, and now I can't believe anything he says. I think to myself while day dreaming, maybe this will be the straw that breaks the camels back, maybe he will realize he is going to lose me forever. But honestly, I don't know if I would want him, hes a LIAR, a CHEAT. Not that I didn't know this before, because he did it to one woman in his life already, but i never thought he would to me? I truely do feel foolish.
Walking away Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 I do not respond to him. I rebalanced myself after his phone call to my work, even though it took me some time to "shake him off." What limited contact I have had with him since last Wednesday has been very firm and crisp. When he called me at work, which was a complete shock to me, by the way, I was professional and got off the phone fast. I cried AFTER i hung up. Here's the clincher, though. He has an opportunity to see me next week. He bought me concert tickets, airfare, and a hotel room one of my Valentine's gifts. He will know where I am staying, when the concert is, everything, if I decide to go. So, I fear, that if I elect to accept this gift, I will run the risk of seeing him. I have no idea what to do with a face to face encounter. I realize I am extremely fragile, but to him, I appear stoic and strong. I am at a loss, too. I can handle the no contact as it is now. We live in different states. But, a face to face? I don't know how to prepare...
Owl Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 None of this makes any sense to me...we are talking about MEN though, so I shouldn't be surprised. (no offense, Owl). I see these comments all the time. Guess I just don't count as a man anymore. LOL!
grateful Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 woops - moving reply to WA to her thread. FiL: keep up your strength. Each day of NC is like money in a bank - the more you have the less you want to do anything to risk losing it.
Author foolinlove Posted March 14, 2006 Author Posted March 14, 2006 One thing I would think about in regards to going to the concert and running into him is that you would be back to DAY 1 of NC. I have done this a time or two and the feeling of acomplishment you feel now, for being so strong, will be lost with a feeling of going a step back. It is truely hard to see them face to face after going NC, because men have this thing about being strong. And for me, not to see him suffering, or hurting as I am inside really hurt me. I expected tears, I expected a sign of depression, I saw none of that. However, I know the feeling of having to see him, needing a hug, needing anything, but still getting nothing in return. It is truely a hard choice to make, because part of you wants to see him, and the strong part of you wants to be true to yourself. I feel for you.
Walking away Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 Thanks foolinlove. I feel for you, too. But, I sense a strength in you that I, too, have. We will be okay...of this I am positively certain. We just need to keep strong and hold on to our resolve. The way I see it is....either a man wants ALL of me, or he will get NONE of me. Simple as that. That is my mantra for getting through today.
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