lovelorcet Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 I really need some help here because I am not sure what to do anymore and am starting to lose it. I have been together with my wife for 10 years and we have been married for 3. We have always had a wonderful relationship and have accomplished so much together. Things had be going really well over the last few years and I started to feel very comfortable in the relationship over the last year, thinking about children together and such. Well over the last 6 months or so I started to neglect my wife, being busy with work or other things that really were just unimportant. About a month and a half ago she tells me that she feels like we have been growing apart and is not happy. As soon as I heard this I start to go over the last half-year in my mind and see where I had grown lazy. The point is my wife is the most important thing in my life, she always has been and still is. I love her very deeply and am ready to do anything for her. I have tried to show her this every day since this has all started. A few weeks later after our first talk she then tells me that she has strong feelings for someone else and that she can’t seem to find her love for me. This just devastated me, I was very hurt at hearing this but I listen and tried to hear everything she was saying to me. She says that me being “lazy” over that last few months does not have anything to do with these other feelings that she has. I know there is a part of her that still loves me, even in these dark moment we are so gentile to one another She has only met this other man on 2 business trips and otherwise they chat online. We live in Germany (my wife is German, I come from the sates) and he lives with his wife in Oregon. So the logistics of a possible relationship for the two of them is challenging. She says that nothing has happened between them and I do believe her, we have always had a very open and honest relationship. But she says that her heart tells her that she has to find out why she has these feelings for this person. She has always been a very logical and rational person. What really hurts me is that I am ready to offer her what ever she want and need so that we can try to rebuild our love and she says that when she uses her head and thinks everything through she could decided right away that our relationship is worth trying to save. But then she says her heart starts to fight with her head and she is getting to the point where she just cant take the back and forth anymore. My question is what do I do?!?! Do I say use your head, have trust in us and in me and we can work to make things better. Or do I just need to let the love of my life go? I am ready to fight for her and she know it but I can not fight alone.
zarathustra Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 Hi there, I feel horrible for what you are going through. Even though it doesn't sound likely that she and this other man would be able to carry on with a relationship, I think that the real question is, does she want to work on the relationship at home with you? If she does, is she willing to stop chatting online with this other guy. I know from experience, that the more she is chatting with him, the more emotionally disconnected she is with you. Even though she says that your being lazy in the relationship didn't have anything to do with how she feels right now, it really didn't help solidify your relationship against this situation from happening. I think if you want things to work out, you need to find out from her what she values in a relationship and give those things to her. For example, in my situation, I felt that with my guy, when I needed emotional support, acknowledgment of my feelings being valid and justified, it wasn't there. Its not very hard to do, but when not done, it felt like a huge let down. Not a nice feeling at all. Go to marriagebuilders.com and check out what they have to say.
Author lovelorcet Posted March 13, 2006 Author Posted March 13, 2006 Thanks for the reply, and that is more or less where we are now. She needs to decide in which direction she wants to go and her inability to decide is more or less the problem at the moment. I just don’t know what to do!!!! Leave her alone, be at attention and ready to fight for her. We seem to be just stuck at this point. I am not sure if I am being too much of a “nice guy” in trying to show her how much she means to me. I just don’t know what to do. I am so heartbroken and alone here. I truly believe that if she were to come to me that we could make it work. We have been to counseling and were more or less told we have excellent communication skills and that there wasn’t much the counselor could do for us.
zarathustra Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 I am so sorry to hear how lonely and heartbroken you feel. What have you done to show her how much she means to you? I think right now, she's in the infatuation stage. I mean, the other guy is married too and lives in another country. How well can she really know this guy? How does she know if there's a really annoying habit that he has that would drive her insane. She doesn't know anything concrete really... But when you're infatuated, you tend to believe anything is possible and the other man probably thinks so too. Did she tell you what she expects from a partner? If they are chatting on-line, he's probably meeting some emotional needs that you might not have been giving to her, such as the re-assurance of how he feels about her (you know communicating affection). I think that you might work really hard to show you that you love her, but they are things that doesn't hit the spot. Its like if someone gave you the best scotch in the world, but all you wanted is a cold beer. The scotch is good, but won't hit the spot until you've got beer. Is she still living under the same roof as you? If so, I think you have a better chance at working things out. I think that working on an old relationship is scary at times. There were times when I thought, maybe its better to be on my own and start fresh. If its broken, how can it ever be good again? But if you can get through this, I think that you may end up as a stronger couple than ever before. I don't think this other guy is anything more than a symptom that there is something wrong with your own relationship. Just like a sneeze is a symptom of a cold, but not really the cold itself. If she's displaying an inability to decide and that is the honest truth, ask if she is willing to put you and the marriage first. By that, she needs to tell you honestly what this person is fulfilling in her life that you aren't. Sometimes, even the promise or expression of desire to do something is enough to get a woman to think that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Anywya, tt will be hard for you to hear, but at least you will know what it is that you have not been doing that she needed. Ask her to move in your direction for a little while and see if she is willing to stay away from this guy to put effort into your relationship. If she can do that for a few months, then maybe you'll have a chance with her. I think that its more important to have the desire and drive to work hard at a relationship than to have the ability. You can always learn. good luck to you.
Author lovelorcet Posted March 13, 2006 Author Posted March 13, 2006 We are still living together and she has not contacted the other man for about a month now. When my wife complains it is in a quite form, if I do not listen closely it is easy not to hear it. I spent a lot of time thinking about any point where she had expressed a complaint or a concern and have tried to turn things around since this all started about 1.5 months ago. I have taken over about 90% of the household and devote all of my free time to her if she wants it. I take care to hear if she is having an awful day and try to do something to make her feel better like having a hot bath and candles ready for her when she gets home. I have expressed myself (my love for her and what I am willing to do) to her through many letters, stories, poems, even made a CD with music that inspired me, flowers… I have clearly shown her how ready I am to work on us and I think she knows when I commit to something I really mean it. I finished my studies in the states almost six years ago, moved to Germany leaving my life there to be with her, leaned another language, got my masters degree here and am now working on my PhD. in one of the best labs in this country. My point is simply I am willing to do anything for this woman and I am willing to work hard for something I want. She does not see that what happened to her has anything to do with us she thinks she has found a special connection in a man she hardly knows. I can see where things were lacking and even she says with hindsight she can also see where things were missing but she does not see a connection. I would give anything to just have the chance and time to find out what is missing for her but I am sitting here waiting, heartbroken and alone. It hurts me so much that she may not be willing to give her partner of 10 years, who has always been true to her and worked and sacrificed so much for her the simple chance to find out what is missing for her.
Ariadne Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 We live in Germany (my wife is German... She'll stick to you. Congratulations on your communication skills and hopefully you'll come out stronger out of this. Good going, Ariadne
Author lovelorcet Posted March 13, 2006 Author Posted March 13, 2006 I can only hope, but man this really really hurts...
zarathustra Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 Its funny... I'm very much like your wife when it comes to complaining. I do it really quietly. Which is odd because I'm usually so loud and verbal. I don't know why it is so hard to speak out. I guess I feel like I'm imposing or something You are a good man... you really are. Its too bad that she's not recognizing what's happening as a problem with your relationship. To be perfectly honest, if things were great, why would she even be tempted? I mean, does this guy look like Matthew McConaughey or something? Maybe those special things you are doing for her, isn't doing it for her. You sound like a man of action, but maybe she needs something else? If she's a quiet complainer like I am, it will be even harder for her to tell you what she wants. I know that sometimes things can get mundane in a long term relationship. What are her dreams and aspirations and what have you two done to move towards those goals in the last little while? For me, I think its nice that every so often, if a partner and I have a checkpoint to see if our goals are aligned. Maybe she feels that the direction in life that this man has with his wife is more in-line with what she wants in a relationship?
Author lovelorcet Posted March 13, 2006 Author Posted March 13, 2006 I think she is too occupied and overwhelmed in trying to decide in which way she should move. She will not really be able to open up to be until she decides to move in my direction. Until she does that all I can to is “be there” for her and continue to hold everything together as best as I can. But if she decides to go in his direction I really don’t know what I will do. Everything just hurts so much when I see her turn her back on me.
zarathustra Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 I hope she chooses you. Right now she is living a bit of a fantasy. The fantasy is telling her that life with this guy might be possible. Fantasy may be telling her that he can move to Germany be with her or she can move there to be with him. Where this guy is concerned, she's probably wearing rose coloured glasses. Irrespective of her choice, I only hope that there aren't children in the thick of things.
CaliGuy Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 Please do read "Love Must Be Tough" as I believe the advice in the book will go a long way towards helping your situation.
amaysngrace Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 hi. did your wife ever express her dissatisfaction at all to you when you were off doing "unimportant things" or did she just bring this to your attention recently?
gfto Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, but it's gonna take a miracle to turn things around. You posited that perhaps you're being too much of a nice guy. Yes, you are! You're being a pushover. You'd do anything for her, and you do the poetry, flowers, etc. Once a woman has told you that she just doesn't feel it for you anymore, doing this stuff is just begging. This internet guy on the other side of the world isn't the problem. If she still had high interest level in you, she wouldn't be chatting up men online. But, unfortunately, her interest level in you is low....probably too low, I'm afraid. If I were in your shoes, I'd immediately cut out the poetry, flowers, and other assorted "nice guy" stuff. You should only do this stuff when she's all over you; not when she tells you she doesn't have feelings for you anymore. Just back off and see if she comes at you. If she comes around in a few months, great. If she doesn't, then you're gonna have to make some tough decisions.
Recommended Posts