apart with a breaking heart

[RazMataz]

I dated a girl for about 2 years. I am just about to turn 22and she is about 2 years older than I am. I thought I would try this out not only to get some advice, but also as a type a therapy to help sort out my emotions. My ex and I always had an abnormal relationship.

 

It was and still is the kind that we drive each other crazy and annoy the crap out of each other, but just seem naturally attracted to one another. The fact is I am crazy about her even though I have difficulty showing it and she seemed really into me when we first met. The problem is our lives just haven't ever met up together to this day.

 

For a long time during the beginning of our relationship, I was very distant from her because I didnt know what I wanted... from anything in life. I was just dazed and confused in general at the time. I drove her insane because I neglected her and didnt put forth all I had to offer for her. I feel horrible still for hurting her suring that time. This went on for the better part of a year and I am still amazed she put up with me.

 

Then I started to get my life back on track and started trying to pay her more attention because I had actually fallen in love with her (or so I thought, I'm still not even sure if I know what love is or not). We have had our fights like all couples do and at many times thought we wouldn't make it at all. However, we always seemed to pull through whatever was bothering us. I always say that if it doesn't change tomorrow then I can forgive today. However, once she graduated from college she went off into the working world while I was still taking classes.

 

This meant we were on totally different schedules and the lack of time to see one another eventually seemed to wear on our relationship. We got less and less time to see each other and then it seemed like she started to lose touch with even calling me so I eventually confronted her about it. That is when I find out she has been "hanging out" with some other guy she works with. She said that they had only kissed once, but that she immediately felt horrible about it. Being a little hurt, of course, I decided that we should have a little time apart.

 

She said she needed to work out some of her personal issues she has had built up inside of her (which is true... she was raped when she was 15 and is now in a seminar class and finally dealing with that. You have no idea how happy I am that she is doing that for herself.) We still talk everyday and hang out when we get a chance. It has been about 3 months now since we broke up. For that time, she seemed to try and act like nothing had changed with us and still acted pretty normal around me.

 

I tried to play it safe as to not get her hopes up and lead her on because I was still asking myself if I still wanted to be with her. I was still wondering if I could ever really trust her again. However, one day about 2 weeks ago something changed. She started acting completely different around me. She is acting more like we are just friends now which in a way is a good thing. However, the tables seemed to have turned on me. I started falling hard for her again. Now she is the only girl I think about, but she is pretty headstrong in the idea that she cannot be back in a relationship with anyone until she has her own life sorted out.

 

This I fully agree with and understand. I love that she is trying to make things better for herself. But still it is frustrating. Like I said, our lives have never really caught up with each other. I am trying to be patient and always there for her because she is still one of my best friends. I keep telling myself that there is nothing I can do to control this situation and I just have to accept what is happening.

 

I am praying that whatever happens that she will be happy, but still hoping to be with her. In a way it is a kind of double- edged sword. The heart and conscience always seem to find a way to disagree with one another. Any thoughts on what anyone thinks about all this is welcome or just some advice on how to help me keep my cool and not stress her out anymore than she already is. I keep wanting to tell her how much I care about her and ask if there is a chance for us, but it just seems to stress her out because she says she cares about me but just isnt ready for a relationship right now. So if I open my mouth I drive her crazy, but if I keep it shut I am going to go insane. So I need some way to get all this stuff out.

 

Time just doesn't seem to be one my side at all for this one.

[whats wrong with me]

bumping your thread.