KickstartMyHeart Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 I have just started seeing this guy and I have known him for over a year as friends. We have rode motorcycles together and we have a lot in common and have fun together. Well about a week ago we started talking as more than friends and we both agree that we will give it a shot. The only thing is, is that he is 12 years older than me. I am 21 and he's 33. I am pretty mature for my age and not attracted to guys my age because I find them...annoying. Do you think this is a bad age gap??
sazzya1987 Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 There has been bigger age gaps than 12 years so i would say there is nothing wrong with it, though saying that I am in the position of a friend who is 12 years older than me, he is a long distance friend and have also met up, we have feelings for each other but thats as far as it has basically gone because I'm still 18 and have my own life with a boyfriend in my own country but me and him are still good friends even though we are a long distance away. I don't see anything wrong with this guy being 12 years older than you since you are an adult and can make your own descisions on what or who makes you happy. Its your choice who you want to be friends with or who you want to date if the both of you have feelings foe one another. It could be worse, he could be old enough to be your dad Thats when I start to feel a relationship is wrong.
KOTG Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 Its alright if you want it to be. At least in your case it is socially acceptable for older men to be dating younger women. My SO is 10 years older than me, and she has said on more than one occasion that it annoys here the way people talk like its taboo for an older woman to be with a younger man. Personally though, i wouldn't trade it for anything, because like you when i met her,women my own age annoyed me greatly. We have been together 12 years as well, so it can work, and work very well!
littlekitty Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 It could be worse, he could be old enough to be your dad :lmao: I think a woman of 21 and man of 33 should be fine! Although a large age gap, women mature more quickly. Provided he's a young 33, shouldn't be too many issues. Just ensure that you have the same interests as this will hold you together. There will no doubt be some things you aren't both interested in, and some things he remembers that you don't... !
RedRose3373 Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 NOoooooo 12 years is nothing my ex there was an age gap of 21 years age means nothing i was 33 he was 54 if it feels right, go for it
flavius Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 If the man is GOOD and the woman is GOOD, a twelve year age gap is good, too. Developmental equilibrium, dose of reality are good for men. Women mature younger (if they choose to mature at all, that is) and men have a longer sexual shelf-life, so it can be a real compatability plus. MANY girls prefer older guys when they are THINKING about it, but understandably they gravitate toward people their own age in practice. Warnings! Men are much less competent at evaluating a girl in a different life stage. They may pick a dud unawares. Can be beguiled by fresh beauty and compromise common sense. Better have some really concrete basis for exactly what makes her a good character, old man, because they all seem so adorable at that "sparkly" age. Girls can have a hard time realizing that the man is pretty established in his develoment, and not likely willing to be totally remodeled. Head's up: a man should be grown up by 33, and if he's not he never will be. He is a disaster. Telltale signs: if he's not eager to spoil you, he is defective; if he wants to isolate you from your family, especially your father, he is probably a manipulator and predator; if he has not held a job and/or is forever mad at his boss you probably have a loser -- he'll relate to you the same way. Good rule at any age: use your common sense BEFORE you use your love-stuff. It is designed to make you ignorantly blissful, so use your head first, then your tail.
blind_otter Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 Flavius has some great points. My parents are 22 years apart, my mom always says the bad thing about older men is that you can't train them. Ah, sad but true. Women who are used to dating men in their 20s notice that in terms of habits/behavior, 20-something men are more apt/able to change habitual behaviors. Sometimes through just the natural process of maturation. And yes, older dudes forget how different a life stage younger women are at. I mean the challenges you face at 20 are just totally different from when you're approaching your mid30s. My BF(who is no longer my ex I admit it) is only 9 years older than me and it's noticeable. I'm not used to being reminded of my emotional immaturity. But it's a good thing, I think, it really forces you to examine areas within yourself that need development (if you let it).
flavius Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 I LOVE young women, and if I ever found myself tragically back on the love market, I might deliberately seek one out. But I must suppose that there would always be an issue that she would feel like I was chuckling at her inexperience -- because I would be.! And even though I am just short of a wild-man in most ways, she would probably be annoyed by my unwillingness to explore paths I have already tried and rejected. Youth have that wonder of discovery (that I LOVE), but grown-ups have that sense of the "finiteness of life" that makes life fruitful Could be a GREAT combination if each values and benefits from the other's perspective. Love on, folks!
justagirliegirl Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 12 years was the age difference with my ex. I say go for it. You never know what may happen. With him being that much older and you stayed together he will mostly likely die before you as in general women live longer. I have found older men are more apt to settle into boring fuddy duddy routines. Older guys and sex. They are ok because they have experience but really don't have the stamina of 20 something men. Plus they tend to do the same things and are less likely to be adventurous. Maybe there has been a thread about it or maybe it should be it's own topic but exactly why is it taboo for older women to be with younger men?
blind_otter Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 12 years was the age difference with my ex. I say go for it. You never know what may happen. With him being that much older and you stayed together he will mostly likely die before you as in general women live longer. I have found older men are more apt to settle into boring fuddy duddy routines. Older guys and sex. They are ok because they have experience but really don't have the stamina of 20 something men. Plus they tend to do the same things and are less likely to be adventurous. Maybe there has been a thread about it or maybe it should be it's own topic but exactly why is it taboo for older women to be with younger men? I dunno 'bout all THAT.
jerbear Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 From a Chinese social point of view, don't know exactly why. A gap of 3+ years between older woman and younger man (me) in my family is a no-no. My mom told me it was a patriarch/male dominated society issue. Chinese males should be older and "dominate" the household; blah blah blah. I got a "new one" for pursuing an older (7 yr difference) chinese girl and got the patriarch issue. When I pursued older caucasian women (10+), I got razed by age and by dating outside ones race; and surprised them. When I pursued older latina women (3+), I got razed by age, dating outside ones race and confused them. Guess I am really "tabooeying" my Chinese culture.
electric_sheep Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 I am 35 and my girlfriend is 20. We have been seeing each other since around August of last year. We both fell completely in love and are very happy in the relationship. One of my few age-gap related worries is the different expectations we may have about the relationship. Being that I am older, I think I am more open to the idea of making a longer term committment at some point. Despite what she says, I find it inconceivable my gf would be open to making a more serious committment, so I feel as though things are fleeting and ephermeral ... like I should just enjoy the moment, and not think about the future too much. Probably not bad advice in general. I'm probably not a typical 35 yo, but your friend may not be either. As far as sex and not being too adventurous ... you may be surprised. Some people loose a lot of their inhibitions when they get older. I'm by far my gf's kinkiest bf ... for example, I just bought her a strap-on, we dabble in S&M, I like to dress up in drag, etc... etc... Not many college age guys would do these things. Albeit, the thing about the stamina is partly true. I can go for a pretty long time, but I'm not going to be having sex 2 or 3 times a day like I used to when I was 18. (Actually, I once had sex 7 times in a day when I was in my 20's ! I believe that would be physically impossible for me now). But hey, I think she is pretty satisfied !
justagirliegirl Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 From a Chinese social point of view, don't know exactly why. A gap of 3+ years between older woman and younger man (me) in my family is a no-no. My mom told me it was a patriarch/male dominated society issue. Chinese males should be older and "dominate" the household; blah blah blah. I got a "new one" for pursuing an older (7 yr difference) chinese girl and got the patriarch issue. When I pursued older caucasian women (10+), I got razed by age and by dating outside ones race; and surprised them. When I pursued older latina women (3+), I got razed by age, dating outside ones race and confused them. Guess I am really "tabooeying" my Chinese culture. hahaha! Everyone knows that regardless of age women rule the roost.
justagirliegirl Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 I'm probably not a typical 35 yo, but your friend may not be either. As far as sex and not being too adventurous ... you may be surprised. Some people loose a lot of their inhibitions when they get older. I'm by far my gf's kinkiest bf ... for example, I just bought her a strap-on, we dabble in S&M, I like to dress up in drag, etc... etc... Not many college age guys would do these things. Albeit, the thing about the stamina is partly true. I can go for a pretty long time, but I'm not going to be having sex 2 or 3 times a day like I used to when I was 18. (Actually, I once had sex 7 times in a day when I was in my 20's ! I believe that would be physically impossible for me now). But hey, I think she is pretty satisfied ! That is because you are still in a fairly new relationship. Old guys are fine in new relationships. If you two were to get married and be together for years, your inner old guy fud would show up. Ya know sitting in your shorts watching sport. You do the missionary and fall asleep.
blind_otter Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 That is because you are still in a fairly new relationship. Old guys are fine in new relationships. If you two were to get married and be together for years, your inner old guy fud would show up. Ya know sitting in your shorts watching sport. You do the missionary and fall asleep. I think that's more a function of the individual, because I've dated 21 year olds who were like that. And honestly I deeply, DEEPLY appreciate the sexual experience of my older partner. He just has more experience. Knows what he's doing. Hell, when I first started playing the piano I was OK but not very good at sightreading. Now I've been playing for 2 decades and can easily sightread. It's just that I'm more experienced now.
catgirl1927 Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 I think the only time an age gap really matters is when it bothers the people in the relationship, and most of the time that has less to do with numbers than with personality. I am 3.5 years older than my boyfriend and get crap all the time about the "younger man." But we're fine. He is definitely the man in our relationship.
electric_sheep Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 That is because you are still in a fairly new relationship. Old guys are fine in new relationships. If you two were to get married and be together for years, your inner old guy fud would show up. Ya know sitting in your shorts watching sport. You do the missionary and fall asleep. hmm ... maybe that would happen for some "old" guys. I've pretty much been a pervert my whole life, and I don't expect things to change anytime soon. If anything, I am a little TOO experimental for my gf. Most relationships go through a sexual lull though, I agree. That usually has more to do with the love "drug" dopamine wearing off though, and less to do with age. It happened to me when I was younger too. Sometimes though, quite unexpectedly, relationships can go through a sexual Renaissance period, right when you think that magic spark is gone for good. That happened to me once when my gf of 3 years suddenly discovered she could ejaculate (squirt) ... we had fun with that for another year until we finally broke up. I never got tired of it. And I don't watch sports, btw ... CNN and The History channel. I guess that is just as bad.
rude dude Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 No one can really stop you, but one problem I do see..... If your were to get married in a year or two. There are many posts that women made about getting married too early and how much they changed from the age of 20-30. You could be totally different by the time your 30-31-32 years old. He is probably grown up with a good job already and ready to settle down. But don't let his stage of life make you think you have to fast foward yours. you still have all of your 20's just consider this!
flavius Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 There are old fuds of all ages. It just happens that the young ones look more charming sitting in fron tof the TV in their underwear. Seldom does a young chick fall in with a guy who is gonna going south. Among men and women, some of us are ageless.
flavius Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 How big a gap is too big a gap? A. If you feel like you'd be doin' your daddy and it bothers you B. If you hear sirens and see searchlights and need a note to pick her up from school C. If you're old enough that you'll be riding a mall-scooter while your woman is riding a tennis pro D. If your romantic evening together involves your chick feeding you strained beets with a spoon That means that 20 years gap is about the MAX (10 yrs for smokers) if you are considering a normal future together. Better check out the aging genes, though. Both sides of my family still play basketball, race bikes, and screw like rabbits at age 70. But I have 50y.o. friends who are about used up. If there is no future, or no tomorrow (as you promiscuous LoveShacker's seem to prefer) then what does it matter? Do it like cats & dogs, and any dog will do.
MadDog Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 Supposedly there's a formula for guys concerning age difference when it comes to social conventions. The formula is: The minimum age of the girl is 1/2 the guy's age + 7. So if you're a 30 year old guy, the girl can be 15+7 = 22. If you're a 26 year old guy, the girl can be 13+7 = 20 and so on. It's a pretty good guideline I think. MD
kitten chick Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 If women can use this formula too then it's pretty sweet. Young guys are pretty easy to take advantage of and this formula gives me access to everyone in their 20s muhahaha.
MadDog Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 If women can use this formula too then it's pretty sweet. Young guys are pretty easy to take advantage of and this formula gives me access to everyone in their 20s muhahaha. Unfortunately I think the normal social convention when it comes to women is that they can't be more than a year or two older than the guy. I don't agree with it but that's kind of how society views it. The exception seems to be in Hollywood and in the situation where the woman has done tons of plastic surgery to look way younger than she is (e.g. Demi Moore). MD
blind_otter Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 I think the taboo may come from back in the day when a woman's reproductive capabilities were important in her level of attractiveness - as most men are fertile well into old age.
kitten chick Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 I guess I'm screwed then because it seems the older I get the younger the guys are that I date.
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