Raven1845 Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 People say that the fastest way to get over one person is to move on to the next. People also say that sometimes the longing they feel for their ex may actually just be loneliness and longing to be with someone in an intimate or romantic way. Needing the closeness of another person and maybe not so much their ex. I understand this, however, what if you do have people asking you out all the time, but you're just not interested because you're still in love with or want your ex? No matter how good-looking or nice the people asking you out are, you're just not interested and can't imagine another person touching you or kissing you or just being with you in a dating situation. What are your thoughts on this . . . "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." Do you believe this?
justhavetoletgo Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 yes I do..........I find myself saying to myself shes a nice girl but she's not the ex
CaliGuy Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 yes I do..........I find myself saying to myself shes a nice girl but she's not the ex You'll get over that soon enough. Nobody will just be like the ex. Everyone is unique. But you can/will find someone who is better for you. And when you do, you'll wonder what you ever saw in the ex.
riobikini Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 Raven, I believe one of the most important things to consider is that we have to be very careful about beginning a pattern or cycle which may become a kind of addiction. It's normal to want the companionship of another human when we break up, -not just someone to talk to, but someone, also, with whom we may want to be intimate with. But if you don't have those cravings, it doesn't mean you're 'abnormal', -it just means that it doesn't work for you. Many of us miss the person we have broken up with so badly, that just having someone nearby is a great comfort. The risk of becoming intimate with that someone who 'really understands' and is available to us whenever we need them, is certainly higher. When we're heartbroken, we're naturally looking for something -or someone- to soothe the ache. That ache can be so painful that that we accept anything or anyone available to quench it. And the risk with that, is that we could wind up in another bad relationship. A new relationship can take us from zero to ninety in no time at all, and, although it might make us feel good for awhile, and pull us out of the last devastating breakup, chances are, its probably headed for the garbage heap, too. If you use this method as a band-aid in dealing with break-ups, you need to have a pretty big box of band-aids handy. The bigger the pain, the higher the risk that, once you begin this cycle, you could cling to the behavior simply because you know it has an immediate, soothing effect on the pain by filling the void of the last lost love. Once you're in the cycle, it's difficult to break free. Although the more miserable and intense pain of some break-ups can contribute to the formation of this problem as an addiction or cycle, -some may be more at risk for it, due to already-existing underlying problems. These people get 'stuck' in an obvious pattern of short-term realtionships which may desensitize them to any true feelings of romantic love in any relationship they take up. For them, more than the advice of friends is needed, and therapy would certainly help. Hope this is along the lines of what you were looking for. Take Care. (Smile) -Rio
Author Raven1845 Posted March 13, 2006 Author Posted March 13, 2006 Thank you, Rio. I was hoping I wasn't "abnormal" in just not wanting to be with anyone else. I may be depriving myself of happiness, but I just don't believe in the: "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." If believe if I can't be with the one I love, I'll be alone.
qnmc Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 I think you should go out on dates... if it feels right. For the most part, I've made myself go out on dates since my breakup. I havent wanted to do the date, even right up to just prior to picking them up... but for me, I'm glad I did it. It gave me a lot of perspective - that while I'm not ready for a relationship (and probably won't be for a while), that I am indeed a desireable person. But happiness needs to come from within, and it is only when I regain that full sense of self that I'll be ready for a new relationship. You just have to be strong enough to be able to go out on dates but not just jump into anything. It's so easy to jump into something new when you're vulnerable. There's a balance here. If you don't yet trust yourself not to jump into something new just because it's there, something to soothe the pain, I'd avoid the dating scene until you do trust yourself.
sexyLMC Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 i think you should give youself a little time just to gather your thoughts e.c.t then go straight out there.. one of my best friends falls inlove really easy or shall we call it lust.. every time she gets dump she goes down town and finds the ugliest man out and takes him home.. ha ha. i think its each to there own.. it also depends on the pain.. e.c.t
riobikini Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 On the related issue of being friends, again, -with the ex: RE: Quote: Confused: " How can you be friends with someone you love...it's too painful." I agree. It is too painful to maintain a friendship for some. Until we're completely through the healing phases, we can't even bear to be in the same room with an ex, much less try to form a friendship with them. It's like trying to clean up after a terrible hurricane, when the hurricane isn't finished, yet. -Rio The healing phases are applied to the pain of different individuals, who react to it in different ways. Each of those phases are contributors to our recovery, which may or may not be exactly like the recovery of another person. But all of them are important to get to 'the other side' of the pain, and, actually, serve as 'teachers' in that we learn a little more about how we cope, react, what our expectations and limits are, as well as teach us about our 'inner' selves. There is a particular phase that brings us to the threshold of finally being able to consider dating again; just when it happens is a very individual thing. Somewhere past that, is where we might even consider being friends with the ex, although not necessarily in every case. -Rio
sexyLMC Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 rio im not sure why but i totally de-agree. me and my ex just broke up like a few weeks ago and i saw him yesturday and i have never laughed so much in all my life. it was great.. having my best friend, without the boyfriend part.. but it all depends on the situation maybe. you know if it was like been together 5yrs then maybe it would take abit of getting over to be friends x lisa x
riobikini Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 sexyLMC, It definitely does, I think, have something to do with the length, depth, and overall intention of the relationship, in most cases. It could also have something to do with having been prepared for the break-up, too, i.e. long separations, years of a waning relationship. Other 'possibles': Did I mention the absence or presence of 'love'? And, of course, there are unique relationships which do allow for the rapid formation of friendship following a break-up. (Smile) -Rio
serial muse Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 Thank you, Rio. I was hoping I wasn't "abnormal" in just not wanting to be with anyone else. I may be depriving myself of happiness, but I just don't believe in the: "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." If believe if I can't be with the one I love, I'll be alone. Raven, I wholeheartedly agree. And I'm currently in that exact situation: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84083/ I've been asked out plenty, just can't find it in me to be interested. Not right now, anyway. Don't know when I will be. I've just finally realized that I'm trying too hard to move on already, and I can't make it happen any faster than it just will. Being with someone I don't feel strongly about just makes me feel more empty inside, in the long run. You can't make yourself love someone just because they're there. It's not fair to anybody. Just give yourself time.
Author Raven1845 Posted March 13, 2006 Author Posted March 13, 2006 Raven, I wholeheartedly agree. And I'm currently in that exact situation: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84083/ I've been asked out plenty, just can't find it in me to be interested. Not right now, anyway. Don't know when I will be. I've just finally realized that I'm trying too hard to move on already, and I can't make it happen any faster than it just will. Being with someone I don't feel strongly about just makes me feel more empty inside, in the long run. You can't make yourself love someone just because they're there. It's not fair to anybody. Just give yourself time. I read your thread and it so matches the way I feel. Yes, the thought of someone else touching me just makes me cringe. His hands are the only hands I want on my body. I love him so. I'm having an EXTREMELY difficult time letting him go. I just can't seem to do it. I think about him ALL the time when I'm awake and I dream about him every night. Edgar Allen Poe's poem, The Raven, (which has always been my favorite and I'm able to recite from memory), has new meaning to me now. The man loses his love (in his case to death), the bird is a metaphor for his grief. By the end of the poem he's going mad. I'm starting to feel I'm going mad, myself. A friend of mine is constantly trying to fix me up with someone, and I hate it. I've told her several times that, right now, I'm just not interested. So she'll just have them "show up" when we're out. It's frustrating. I'm not ready to move on. Not even to just "hang out" with a guy (as she calls it). I wish she'd respect that.
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