Question for men in their 20's

[bluegreeneyes]

This is to the attractive, in shape, 20 something men:

 

do any of you know what you want? is it normal for men this age or men in general to always want what is on the "greener" grass?

 

there is a guy i have known now for 6 years. when we first met, we locked eyes and it felt like love at first sight. unfortunately i met him when he was graduating from college and we only hung out for 2 weeks. we didn't sleep together, we had amazing conversations and amazing fooling around, though. but no sex.

 

over the next 6 years we have kept in contact. for about the first year, he would make a visit to see me 2 or 3 times. the feelings were amazing and mutual. after the first year, we still remained in contact, but i never saw him if i was dating another man. i had always hoped we would be together when the time was right.

 

however things started changing when he would make plans and break them, or call at the last minute. then, 2 years ago, i found out he had been in a relationship the entire time. he was living with a girl he had been dating when we first met. she finally kicked him out because he wouldn't commit to her in any way. good for her!!

 

so, over the last 2 years, we have remained in even more contact and have built an amazing friendship. we have seen eachother on and off and the feelings that have develped are deep, somewhat comparable to what happens in a long term relationship except ours has only had sex about 3 times on random occasions.

 

he has proposed a stronger relationship, but is not willing to do what it takes to commit. he waffles on phone calls, whereabouts, etc. plus, he told me that he has never gone 2 weeks with out dating/sex wtih a woman. i find that appauling and his apparent dependency on women even more so.

 

i have come to the conclusion that some men simply always want what they think they can't have. this guy has pursued me on multiple occasions before i have found out he was seriously dating other women! he always seems to have a backup. i cut things off with him when he didn't even call me on valentines day because he lives an hour and a half away...but he of course has time to come to my city when he feels lonely or wants sex.

 

i don't believe people like this ever change. i was VERY close to giving him a chance, but my inner voice kept speaking. i know that if he gets me, he will eventually want something else. it is very sad.

 

do you think this is his age? are most 20s men like this? ih ave heard from a few that they used to be like this until the lost women they really and truly loved.

 

comments?

[MadDog]

It obviously depends on the guy's personality and values. Speaking generally though, I think guys in their 20's (younger guys) are more apt to play the field than to get involved in a stable, serious relationship compared to older guys. That's mostly because guys are more likely to want a family and all that later in life (late 20's to early 30's) as opposed to when they're younger. Being attractive and having the ability to get girls just makes it more tempting to play the field as well.

 

Whether your friend will eventually "grow up" depends mostly on what he wants to get out of life. Some guys never advance and remain like that into their 40's and 50's only to realize that they can't get all those girls anymore and their lives kinda suck. It's obvious that at this point in time, he's all about the skirt chasing so I'd let him have his fun. You can find other guys to date and try to build a meaningful relationship with.

 

MD

[Pyro]

I agree with MD. It all depends on what the guys values and beliefs.

 

If you want testimony from a 20 something guy, here I am. Not to toot my own horn but finding a female that has interest in me is not much of a problem. I could sleep around if I really tried, but I am not like that. I believe that good natured females are rare and when I meet one, I will do my best to devote time and energy in to making things work with her.

[bluegreeneyes]

i suppose he is reaching a point now, he is 28, where he is straddling that line between skirt chasing and realizing that rare, good things are a tough find.

 

unlike him, i have never slept around and i am very picky. this is going to sound truly conceited as well, but i have model looks (and not the skinny nasty kind), lots of interests, intellect, depth and really make men's heads turn. i had a lot of friends who were attractive and took pleasure in sleeping around. so, he knows i have never taken that route.

 

i think he is almost too scared to commit to me -- in fact he told me, "you could date anyone....so why me?" he said he would get scared that he would walk for reasons of fear, etc. once we started something..but nonetheless he wanted to try!

 

it sucks, he is/was my best friend AND we have an attraction. but to me, he seems like a little boy. i'm sure he is intimidated by me as well, as i know what i want out of life now to a TEE (didn't know a ocuple of years ago) and he is still trying to get stable. unlike him, i don't need someone around all of the time to fill my lonely voids.

 

i guess i just have to suck this up and realize that it's not right, just because i have feelings for him. i'm disappointed, however, because i tried to give it a shot and was AGAIN disappointed by him. seems that 7 out of the 10 guys i have dated have been the same way, probably because of age.

 

i feel that by the time he smartens up i'll be gone, but that is in God's hands i suppose.

 

thanks for your advice. i also thikn people who sleep around and date everyone are very insecure, always needing "someone" there, you know? i guess it makes them feel more important. i prefer to be either alone or with someone i really love, no middle ground.

 

this guy pisses me off though. i suppose that will pass and i''ll be ready to be just friends and only friends.

 

thanks for your words, helps me to know that maybe there are committed guys out there who can handle a girl like me.

[Pyro]

 

thanks for your advice. i also thikn people who sleep around and date everyone are very insecure, always needing "someone" there, you know? i guess it makes them feel more important. i prefer to be either alone or with someone i really love, no middle ground.

 

I like this statement. The one's that I know personally who tend to sleep around are the one's who seem most insecure. I have always prided myself on the times when I would be single and not sleep around.

[flavius]

I have a close acquaintance named David. Handsom brute, and well off. Didn't marry til he was 32 and boasts that he's sacked a couple hundred women--it was GREAT! So I ask, "yeah, so why did you go ahead and get married?"

Stumped.

 

David mocks me because I have had only one woman to speak of. But what's he got to show for his 200? Diddly nothin'. Just a tangled soul and a wife he thinks he is too good for. And do you really think he's had more sexual satisfaction than me? I say I win that comparison in every category but one.

 

This makes me unpopular on LoveShack, but what-the-hell: Guys like me who know what they want are plentiful. We're just not out trolling for prom dates at age 28. I can like those guys, and accept them, but I just cannot admire them. Vanity and smallness is not attractive in men or women.

 

When someone asks me why I got married, I am NOT stumped. That's some sad sh_t if you ask me. Just different values i guess

[bluegreeneyes]

thanks for your thoughts. i guess i get worried that i will never find the man of my dreams, even the man of my standards...same thing i suppose.

 

i feel like every man will either cheat or take me for granted...and the "good ones" i rarely have chemistry with or just not attracted to.

 

i dont understand why looks/money/power has to do with people acting out of control. i am in a tough spot, because i am not attracted generally to unattractive guys. i know this sounds awful. my first boyfriend waas unattractive...and poor...and shy and somewhat insecure...but i was attracted to his CHARACTER. unfortnately i learned, however, that is not enough.

 

i understand i could go through a windshield of a car tomorrow, then what? and i don't also understand why you usually are attracted to people of the same "caliber" of attractiveness that you have. it's sad, and i truly wish i could be attracted to more homely guys. i'm not vain or shallow at ALL, it's just that it's rare that the guys i am attracted to physically/chemistry wise are good guys. sometimes with confidence and other things that people "want" breeds bad character.

 

all i want is a guy i can look at and feel SOME physical tingles, and has a lot of confidence and is not socially awkward, etc. it seems that the ones who have the pieces of the puzzle i look for ultimately can't stay faithful or have a wandering eye, despite character i thought was otherwise amazing.

 

i have never cheated on anyone and would never. i don't date anyone because i look up to their picture frame -- their wallet, their perfect symmetry, their power or prestige, their place in life. i only look up to people who know who they are and are humble and good to others.

 

so tough finding the whole package, especially the 20s are tough. i don't remember it being this tough in my teens. maybe i have just had bad luck with men as of late.

 

i suppose i only have myself to look into, it's not a matter of whether or not these guys are good or bad, it's a matter of who i decide or don't decide to spend time with. if i'm not going to "be attracted" to every guy that comes my way, then it is my fault or downfall that i feel this way. "poor me" that i feel i need to meet my match. i don't mean to sound superficial in what i am looking for, either, i don't know how else to express it, though. sometimes i think maybe it would be easier if i didn't want so much out of life...top to bottom.

 

perhaps everyone finds what/who they are looking for eventually. i need to look inside to see what i am avoiding/missing, etc.

[MadDog]

bluegreeneyes,

 

Don't feel badly because I'm in the same boat as you. I feel like physical attraction is a prerequisite while I really want a good personality that includes intelligence and confidence. I've met plenty of hot girls. So far very few of them have the personality I'm looking for.

 

I came close with my ex. She was pretty and had a nice personality (was intelligent, nice, etc.) Somehow even with all those attributes, she managed to be totally insecure. The insecurity eventually made me decide I couldn't continue being with her cause it was going to ruin our careers.

 

The reason why you don't remember it being this tough in your teens is because your standards were probably much lower back then. Hell, every cute girl I hooked up with then seemed like they could be my dream girl. Of course over the years we've realized we want more than just that.

 

I'm not sure what your plans are but I'm not going to settle, ever. If I settle for a girl I'm not quite attracted to or a girl who's not that intelligent, I'm going to start wanting those qualities even more whenever I see a pretty girl or have an intelligent conversation with a smart one. I'd rather be single than settle. Maybe I'll get lucky and find that girl who's the "complete package" and with any luck, she'll even be single. That'd be awesome.

 

MD

[bluegreeneyes]

THanks, sometimes I feel bad posting things like that because I would never say them/admit them to most people except my closest friends. But, then again, I don't think ANYONE settles for someone they find to be less attractive than they would want!

 

It's funny, I think sometimes we make people nervous and/or insecure or they do it to themsevles. I have felt that way when I was younger, but not now. In fact, in some cases where I have "settled" in the looks department but thought I had the personality in check, the guy turned a bit psychotic and really jealous, insecure, etc....because he couldn't operate from the same platform I was operating from and it ruined him. Sad, and stupid, not everyone behaves that way.

 

Even those with all of the attributes you described in your last girlfriend, act that way. I think that is the case with my 28 year old I talk about here. He seemingly has everything going for him...but lacks the drive, motivation, confidence and life experience I have raked myself over the COALS to get. It's hard at times to understand why others who appear to have so much on the ball never learn how to roll the ball.

 

I have also realized that often times we are vicitms to the insecurities of others -- but not in an obvious way! The guy I speak of has hurt me several times with his passive aggressiveness and avoidant personality -- but thankfully I have alreayd been around that block before, and I know it is only out of insecurity and only leads to pure danger and relaitonship destruction. Before this, I used to think it was me.

 

It is hard to sound modest when describing who I have become but I have worked SO HARD. I am SO flawed but I face those flaws publicly every chance I can so as to improve. I am not afraid to appear weak or insecure, I just fess up to my feelings of inferiority when I have them. It has taken me a long time to realize what a sensitive, strong, honest and caring and WONDERFUL person I am on top of having, dare I say it...some very nice looks...which by the way get you NO WHERE!!!!!!!! NO WHERE!!! in life unless you love yourself on the inside. However somehow as a society we judge others and always assume that those blessed with physical beauty have it easier...not always true at all, and never on the inside unless some seirous work has been done.

 

I have totally digressed! But men in their 20s generally don't know what they want and are obviously going to be intimidated by attractive women who know what they want, etc. Time to wait for a rare find and fish in more ponds. I have just been single for SO long and it hurts to not fully share - -mentally, physically etc. with one person. I also don't want my relationship skills to get old and rusty!! I don't want to be alone forever!!!

[monkey00]

I have totally digressed! But men in their 20s generally don't know what they want and are obviously going to be intimidated by attractive women who know what they want, etc. Time to wait for a rare find and fish in more ponds. I have just been single for SO long and it hurts to not fully share - -mentally, physically etc. with one person. I also don't want my relationship skills to get old and rusty!! I don't want to be alone forever!!!

 

i know where you're coming from bluegreeneyes, soundsl ike you want a relationship but have standards. at some point in our life we all want the security of being with that someone. if that guy you're speaking of doesnt want a relationship with you, then move on find someone that does.

 

there's nothing wrong with having standards, it's normal human behavior.

Anyway im a guy in his early 20's, the way i see women, if they seem interesting to date then ill date them. if they dont then i wont.

however i'd be interested to see where things go with them.

 

it's not like i would find a target and say "yea i want to be in a relationship with her." the way i see it, im still young and am not in a rush to settledown, but if i get the chance to meet someone i can end up in a relationship with, then by all means up open to it.

 

But different folks, different strokes...