Tips on NOT becoming an OW?

[Kate]

Well I would like to think I am "smart" enough to never get involved with a married man. Although it is HIS marriage, and if it is not me it will probably be another woman, I just can't find a good enough reason to follow though on something. However it may be hard in some cases, no?

 

I actually met a MM a week ago at a work function where it is predominantly men. At first, I didn't see this man's wedding band, and the instant attraction across the table almost overwhelmed me. We kept exchanging glances and trying to ignore them. Plus, it was business, so I wanted to be professional. As soon as I saw his wedding band I put him completely out of my head. He is MARRIED. Probably with children. I don't even know what all of that means yet as I have never even been engaged.

 

At any rate, I forgot about him until my female coworker told me the next day how he was staring at me the entire evening. I told her how I intentionally turned my head and spoke with the rest of our table because I didn't even want to make eye contact with him...that is how strong the attraction was! To make matters worse, I have only felt that way once, MAYBE twice in my life. It totally sucked.

 

Well, I find out that he is my point of contact for a new account. I am scheduled to have a lunch meeting with him on Friday but in all honesty I think we are both really excited just to see eachother.

 

I guess I am waiting for something to happen, like me to get totally turned off by him. I will obviously keep this business but deep down I can't wait to see him...I haven't felt this way in so long...and it is NOT enhanced because he is married, the ring was only a disappointment.

 

Obviously I would think he is a scum-bag as well if he cheated on his wife, but it is still hard to make that separation -- between my overhwelming attraction and his status.

 

I know for sure the right thing to do is nothing, simply to conduct business and let fate have it's way with me when it is time to meet a man of MY dreams, not someone else's. But there is a part of me that is worried he might really get to me...and again I haven't been attracted to ANYONE in quite a long time, basically I have settled in the phyiscal/chemistry department.

 

UGH advice from the MW to COMPLETELY turn me off would be highly appreciated.

 

Thanks

[HokeyReligions]

Ask to see photos of his wife and kids. Stare at the pictures and imagine how you would feel if your husband was showing pics of you to a woman who found him attractive.

 

Can you get out of the meeting? Find another point of contact? If he makes ANY inappropriate moves - say NO loudly to yourself and to him. Don't flirt, don't be flattered, make it clear that you are not interested and that you would not have an affair or even a flirtation with a married man.

[Curmudgeon]

I don't even know what all of that means yet as I have never even been engaged.

 

Well, for starters, it means he pledged, vowed or promised himself to another, entered into a legal and binding contract with her and quite possibly had/has children with her.

 

It also means that if he pursues a relationship with anyone outside of his marriage he instantly becomes a liar, a person of questionable character, a cheater and, in most cases, a cakeman.

 

You deserve better and his wife (and children, if any) deserve much better.

 

Why even consider it?

[dgiirl]

How could you possibly feel good about any compliments from a man who would cheat on his wife? (Assuming he would cheat or flirt on his wife) It would make my stomach turn. Like the lowest of the low finds me attractive. Yipee, i'm such a winner. No thanks!

 

If you dont want to become the other woman, then simply avoid the situation. Keep everything professional. Dont go anywhere alone with him. Dont get into discussing relationships or personal lives. And if you still find the attraction too strong, then get someone else to take the case for you. You ALWAYS have options.

[whichwayisup]

You've been given some very good advice by everybody so far. Please really take to heart what they've said.

 

Take a good long read at some of the posts in this section. Read about the pain and suffering the OW goes through because of the MM. DO you want that in your life? You seem like a very smart woman, and quite career orientated as well. IF you involve yourself with the MM AND mix it with your business, your reputation could be ruined. I assume that you have alot of respect by peers and co-workers! If you allow yourself to fall and get involved with the MM while working, and it gets out, people WILL look at you differently. Ignore your friends, they're not thinking clearly - NOONE who is a good friend would point you in the direction of a MM. So each of you are attracted to eachother, that doesn't give you the right to say YES to his possible advances...Does it? Just because he is flirting with you and there is a sexual attraction, doesn't mean he is falling inlove with you. Don't mistake sexual passion and lust for LOVE. It isn't the same.

 

Another area to read is infidelity. Read some threads of the pain that the betrayed spouse has to deal with when they find out their husband/wife was cheating on them. Could you imagine being part of inflicting so much pain and being part of ruining a marriage, a family? Probably not.

 

I commend you for coming here posting, asking for help to prevent this situation from happening. You have to say NO and walk away. Respect yourself, love yourself more - See what horrible damage and insecurities will form if you allow yourself to fall for this MM.

 

Take care and keep posting!

[Walking away]

Please take everyone's advice here.

 

I am an OW, and I can tell you that the pleasure is not worth the pain. Getting involved with a married man is emotional suicide. Oh, you won't think it at first....you will tell yourself you can handle it. I did. Then, I got caught up into the seduction and fantasy of it all.

 

Read the OW/BS posts. There is heartache everywhere. I am living proof of it.

 

Good luck.

[Kate]

Although the attraction seemed uncontrollable and rare, i should actually consider it to be hope that there are OTHER men I may feel the same about. i know it sounds stupid, just from one dinner, but it was powerful. however i will and can feel it again.

 

i have been single for so long and happen to be lacking any kind of relationship, especially sexual relationships. i haven't had a strong physical rleationship in over a year.

 

BESIDES all that, in no way do I want to be part of a mess. I was not raised to behave this way and suppose that sometimes as we get older and more jaded and more bad things happen to us, we neglect to remember the basics..the principles.

 

i know he would only view me as trash, knowing he is married. i know i deserve better. hopefully i am the first girl he has looked at like that outside of his marriage. he truly does not strike me as the type of man who would cheat, but his innocent stares suggested an uncontrollable attraction.

 

regardless, i have so much on the table right now. besides appearing like a total whore and homewrecker and ruining my karma and hurting a wife, i could hurt his children. i am not willing to ruin what i have going on in my life right now, i am only in my late twenties trying to establish myself.

 

you are right, there is a choice, and it is simple -- right vs. wrong. some dumb bit$h i work with told me that the marriage is his problem, that i should have the affair AND have him support me!!! i was outraged at that suggestion. but i suppose it happens all of the time. she is from Israel and not to blanket-statement, but Israeli and some eastern euro women i know who come to the US are freaking USERS!!!! she said, when i mentioned karma, "yea, well what about MY karma? i wasn't born rich, etc." . she is a selfish B.

 

i am moving up with my life right now, have left old baggage behind such as men who didn't treat me right, and i am conscious of my behavior and actions and the consequences. i don't even want to know what the consequences would be. i realize i couild also ruin everything i have worked so hard for and i won't get it if i mess up...not even just with a MM but in all other aspects of life.

 

thanks. i will absolutely not consider it and if i do i will post again to hear your comments.

 

AND, it is odd, i guess the OW can't thikn of how the MW feel...because it is such a selfish decision in the first place, all you think about it yoiurself, and your "special" relationship with the MM. you forget to think about the fact that he would cheat on you, too, if he was all yours!

 

i guess all men cheat, or most men cheat...i don't know, my dad was NEVER like that and would NEVER EVER do that. it's always shocking to me to see the rest of the world is so f-ed up when it comes to vows.

[Adunaphel]

I guess I am waiting for something to happen, like me to get totally turned off by him. I will obviously keep this business but deep down I can't wait to see him...I haven't felt this way in so long...and it is NOT enhanced because he is married, the ring was only a disappointment.

 

Obviously I would think he is a scum-bag as well if he cheated on his wife, but it is still hard to make that separation -- between my overhwelming attraction and his status.

 

 

I am not a MW, but I have been in a similar situation - firt I got very attracted to a man, then I got to know he was married.

There is just one piece of advice I would like to give to you:

please don't take anything for granted.

I mean, don't take for granted that you will be totally turned off by him, or by the fact he is married.

 

When I got to know that this guy I was very attracted to and whom I had been flirting with online for quite a lot of time (we had met in person, though, not on a web site) was married, I was very disappointed (I also got mad at him), and I was absolutely sure that nothing between him and me would ever happen.

 

I told him that no way I'd even touch a married guy, that I was really, really attracted to him (HUGE mistake) but ...well, no way.

I kept talking to him and flirting with him (why i kept flirting with a MM is a long story... let's say that I needed badly something that would make me forget -even temporarily- another guy i was heartbroken about. a little attention from someone I found very attractive was the most useful thing for such a purpose), which was my second HUGE mistake, even if I kept telling him not to expect anything when we would see each other again in person.

 

First time we saw each other again in person... well, I was 100% sure *nothing* would happen.

He was married. Men who cheat on their wife disgust me. He was 20 years older. I thought I was not the kind of person that would ever touch a married man. (now, this was a very important lesson). I was feeling very confident that everything would end up in a laugh. that either of us, possibly both of us, would be turned off by the other. I was confident that I would probably find him ugly (we had already met in person, but I did not remember what he looked like, we had swapped a couple of pictures meanwhile and I remember being relieved to see that he was not the kind of guy (physically) whom I usually dig.

 

Well, I was totally wrong.

We met (not alone, we were at a party), i was struck by how attarctive he was.... I expected to find him a lot less charming than he was when we had been talking on the internet, he was a *lot* more charming.

I expected his looks would turn me off, I found him extremely good looking.

While we were talking at one point he kissed me, and since then i've been acting like I have been on drugs.

 

 

So, what i wanted to tell you, is please don't give it for granted that you'll be able to keep any of your good purposes,

or that it will be natural for you to be turned off by him because he is married and you are not the kind of woman who digs married guys.

 

Imagine the worst (that you'll find him *amazingly* attractive when you see him), be prepared for the worst possible scenario, take it for granted that it would be extremely difficult for you to resist.

If things will not be so bad, the better, but why risk?

 

regardless, i have so much on the table right now. besides appearing like a total whore and homewrecker and ruining my karma and hurting a wife, i could hurt his children. i am not willing to ruin what i have going on in my life right now, i am only in my late twenties trying to establish myself.

 

Don't take it for granted that you'll manage to use such perfect logic when you see him.

I couldn't manage to.

(and it was weird to read your post, such words sounded sooooooo familiar, I kept repeating the very same kind of things to myself over and over )

 

By the way....

 

he truly does not strike me as the type of man who would cheat, but his innocent stares suggested an uncontrollable attraction.

 

such impressions can be very wrong.

 

Some people (men and women) have perfectioned the subtle art of looking like nice guys.

If he is really the type of man who would not cheat, then it is one more reason not to start an affair with him.

 

AND, it is odd, i guess the OW can't thikn of how the MW feel...because it is such a selfish decision in the first place, all you think about it yoiurself, and your "special" relationship with the MM.

 

I guess that's different from person to person, but I was feeling very bad about his wife at first.

(After the first time I met him and we spent a whole evening kissing,

I spent a certain number of days smiling like an idiot for the entire lenght of the day and crying until 3.00 a.m. at night because I was feeling guily).

Unfortunately, as soon as MM behaved in a way that hurt my feelings, I basically forgot about his wife.

I guess it's easy to forget other people and stop being guilty when you are too busy feeling bad about yourself.

[Touche]

I just want to pick up on one thing you said so that you don't use that as a way to justify this...you said all men cheat or most. NOT true. I just don't get why people say this. I'm much older than you are and have had boyfriends and an ex-husband. I'm on my second marriage wich is going on 11 years (together 11 1/2 years.)

 

NONE of the men I've ever been with in my life have ever cheated on me. NONE. Boyfriends or husbands. There ARE men out there like your Dad.

 

And let's just say that half of all men cheat (don't know the real statistics on that) but that means that half DON'T.

 

Go out and find yourself one of the 50% who DON'T. I did. And I really, truly believe you are treated the way you allow others to treat you.

 

Nothing wrong with being attracted or even flirting a little...but DON'T cross the line or you will live to regret it. You sound like you have very solid morals and values...don't let go of them for a stupid fling that will leave you demoralized.

[grateful]

 

 

So, what i wanted to tell you, is please don't give it for granted that you'll be able to keep any of your good purposes,

or that it will be natural for you to be turned off by him because he is married and you are not the kind of woman who digs married guys.

 

 

Wow, Adunaphel. Your post really hit home with me. This is excellent advise. I was also the kind of person who said, "this will never happen to me. I will never cheat. I'd never get involved with someone else's man." And then, even though I love my SO, I kissed another man. It was really hard extricating myself from it becoming a fool blown affair. I mean, the kiss didn't happen at some party - - I drove him over to his house, the whole time thinking "I'm not the kind of person who would cheat so this is no big deal, its just a little more time to flirt, harmless flirting since I would never cheat."

 

Figuring I'd just flirt with him and drop him off, when we got to his house and he wanted me to come in I got out of the car and followed him. At that point I felt like someone had taken over my body - I didn't know who was doing those things. But it was me! And it was because I'd used this "I would never cheat" thing in my head as my only defense. Well, I'm living proof that it's not enough. You have to make conscious choices and have a plan to not put yourself in the position of temptation. Because even girls who all their lives thought, "I would never cheat," can and will cheat. It's scary.

[zarathustra]

Adunaphel, you've got it right on. Unfortunately, about 9 months ago, a co-worker and I became friends. I always thought that he was a really nice man, has a nice family and he would be someone that would be fun to be friends with. We became friends and one day, he told me that he was really fond of me. I said that I felt the same way, but we are both married so we are both off limits. We talked about how eventually, the attraction will wear off as I had no intention of cheating on my H and I don't want to have him cheat on his W. I think that we both had issues within our own marriage that we didn't deal with and it made us vulnerable to each other. Eventually, he convinced me that things with us would work out. That he loved me more than anything in the world and that to be with me would mean everything to him. I told him that I didn't think that he would be able to live as a part time father to his kids and to see them once every other week and one weeknight a week. Its not a life that I want for him or a life I want for his kids. He told me that his kids will learn to accept me as they would see that his being with me is good for him. So I separated from my husband and got a place of my own. Shortly thereafter, he told his wife that he is leaving to be with me and moved in with me. After a few months, he realized that he missed his kids terribly. Seeing that, I told him that it would hurt me unbearably, but if he felt the need to go home to be with his kids, I love him enough to let him go. He told me that he didn't have a life with anyone but me and that he loves me. A couple of weeks after I had that talk with him, he confessed that prior to our talk about him trying to go home, he asked his W if he could go home and she said no. I've never felt so betrayed and hurt in my life, but at the same time, I think I deserved it. He begged me to stay and that he promise to work on us. But it didn't happen. I found that in his heart, I was the lowest priority. I told him that if his kids are his first priority, its natural. I would never compete with that. But I don't want to be the fourth or fifth on the list, behind the W he left. He said that was how things are. So I left.

 

Being with him was the biggest mistake I made in my life. Yes, the attraction was amazing and when we were together, it felt like we were made to be together. But was the pain worth it? I know it wasn't and had I known what I know now, I would have continued to tell him to work on his marriage.

 

Kate, its really not worth the pain.

[nicki]

Yeah, I just want to add....

 

This is not a romantic movie where he is a great guy and just can't resist falling in love with YOU.

 

You must be very careful. He knows how to play this one, and he will.

 

So, if he compliments you, don't act flattered. Change the subject back to work. Don't discuss anything personal. He is not your friend.

 

The attraction will go away if you don't feed it. That means no fantasies or compliments, or even a just a coffee together, or maybe even a quick phone call hello....NOTHING...

 

Assume he is a serial killer. Imagine his wife's face and see it every time you see him. Get a negative association going with him, not a positive one. Don't smile at him or flirt in any way. Think: "100% business with a guy I don't like"...fake it til you make it.

 

Soon you will really believe this guy is the cockroach that he is...HE IS A MARRIED MAN COMING ON TO YOU. Yuck! Get grossed out. It's not a compliment. He is looking for an easy target.

 

The best way to avoid becoming the OW is to never, ever get into that situation in the first place. Everyone here has given you such helpful advice.

 

On the plus side, maybe you are ready for a relationship with a truly deserving guy. You sound like a nice person. It's good that you have feelings in you, just aim them towards a better target. This guy is a user and a loser.

[joodee]

Soon you will really believe this guy is the cockroach that he is...HE IS A MARRIED MAN COMING ON TO YOU. Yuck! Get grossed out. It's not a compliment. He is looking for an easy target.

 

That is so true. My ex-MM targeted other married women with problems in their marriage (I am single, so I don't quite understand why he pursued me, a very available girl...maybe he sensed I craved attention) but basically I just want to re-iterate the above quote, some MMs are looking for an easy target, and it is very gross.

 

You have to make conscious choices and have a plan to not put yourself in the position of temptation.

 

This is so true. Don't take any meetings with him, if there's a part of you that's been lonely, the pull towards him may get too strong.

 

If you ever come in contact with him again, immediately asks "How's your wife?" and keep asking. That will remind you of the truth and not get your head into any type of fantasy over him.

 

Good luck, stay strong. I've been out now for a while and I can just kick myself for not completely pulling away sooner. Save yourself alot of heartache.

[justagirliegirl]

It is about having some self control. Why do some people find that so hard to do these days?

 

Not all men cheat. I've never been cheated on and my Dad wasn't a cheat either.

 

If you are lonely for some sex go pick up some young hot guy with a sex pack and spend a weekend having some hot monkey sex and you'll feel better.

[Adunaphel]

It is about having some self control. Why do some people find that so hard to do these days?

 

Because having self control is reletively easy when you are not emotionally attached.

It's the difference between not drinking alcohol because you don't like it much anyway and not drinking alcohol when you have just started a trying to recover from being an alcoholist.

 

This is why I posted the post above...

 

It is natural to think you will manage to have self control...

you don't like married men, so you think it will be as easy as saying no to a cigarette or a glass of wine when you have never smoked or never drunk alcoholics.

 

Huge mistake.

 

I think that from my short affair with a MM I might have got a clear idea of what being suddenly on a heavy drug addiction can be like.

 

Not all men cheat. I've never been cheated on and my Dad wasn't a cheat either.

 

True.

 

If you are lonely for some sex go pick up some young hot guy with a sex pack and spend a weekend having some hot monkey sex and you'll feel better.

 

Funnily enough, most people who end up as OW are not the one-night-stand, sex-is-just-sex, just-for-fun kind of girls.

 

(hey, I'm not implying that there is anything wrong with that)

[Sami_D]

I would say... ditch the morals and preconceptions (bear with me).

 

Try not to see talk in the judgemental and derogatory terms you so freely bandy about in your posts. Words like 'whore' and 'scumbag' etc. dehumanise and trivialise the real feelings that real, ordinary, quite nice people have that wind them up in affairs.

 

Why do I say this..? Because for one thing, I've noticed that how many times the people who are most judgemental about affairs are the ones who end up with egg on their faces and actually having one. That includes Myself, and the MM I'm having an affair with. "I never thought it could happen to me... I've always been dead against affairs and viewed people who have them as reprehensible people with no moral fiber and now I find myself .... blah blah." HOW many times have we all read that?

 

And I think the main reason for that is that it's so easy to believe these 'facts' about other people... and demonise them... and not realise that each and every one of us is just as vulnerable. So... when we find ourselves in some conversation, getting a little close... feeling a 'spark' and so on... we don't think we're in danger because we're not that sort of person... this won't lead to some sorded situation... he's not a scumbag, I'm not a whore... etc.

 

Dangerous thinking.

[castle26]

I just want to pick up on one thing you said so that you don't use that as a way to justify this...you said all men cheat or most. NOT true. I just don't get why people say this. I'm much older than you are and have had boyfriends and an ex-husband. I'm on my second marriage wich is going on 11 years (together 11 1/2 years.)

 

NONE of the men I've ever been with in my life have ever cheated on me. NONE. Boyfriends or husbands. There ARE men out there like your Dad.

 

And let's just say that half of all men cheat (don't know the real statistics on that) but that means that half DON'T.

 

Go out and find yourself one of the 50% who DON'T. I did. And I really, truly believe you are treated the way you allow others to treat you.

 

Sami, you make a lot of sense. The above poster is an example of someone who could have egg on the face one day! Touche', re-read what you have written above, then apply logic to your statements. You CANNOT POSSIBLY know that you've never been cheated on! Tell yourself that, imagine that "unfaithfulness" can never be a part of your life all you want, but like Sami says, "Dangerous thinking," ever hear of tempting fate? I take exception to these attitudes especially in the OW/OM area. Posters are stating that OW "ruin marriages." I see where most M where affairs happen were definitely nothing to brag about in the first place.

[greenshift]

thanks. i will absolutely not consider it and if i do i will post again to hear your comments.

 

Not the most convincing of statements. If you "absolutely will not consider it," why is there anything more to say?

 

i guess all men cheat, or most men cheat

 

Sure. And all women use sex to control their significant others, want lots of babies and sleep with the pool guy. Not all men cheat - most wouldn't even consider it. And, I'm willing to bet that for every marriage that ended because the husband cheated, you'll find another where the wife went astray.

 

Cheating isn't about sex; it's about power, and control, and massaging one's ego and selfish "needs."

 

As far as your original question goes: how to avoid having an affair? Well, it's easy - don't sleep with him, and don't let yourself get sucked into a situation where you have anything other than a professional relationship.