RedRose3373 Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 Hello Ok i decided to post this ? after reading Vertex post. I lost my brother to suicide 16 years ago when i was 17 years old. It was the most devistating thing that ever happened to me. I am dating a new man right now, its been over 2 weeks & things are going great! I just often wonder, when is the right time to tell him that i lost a brother to suicide? I was going to tell him this passed weekend but he brought up how his sister-in-law's sister has depression & is on medication & how it runs in her family, His sister-in- law's mom also had depression & jumped out of the window of her nursing home cause she didn't want to be there, which stopped my from telling him. My brother had major depression for 4 years & ended up taking his own life also. I am not ashamed of what happened or anything, but i'm not sure how my new man will react to it when he sees what is going on with his brother's wife's family. Any advice??
MadDog Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 I would have mentioned it when the the topic of his sister-in-law came up. Since you didn't, you can tell him whenever you feel comfortable and tell him you hesitated to tell him because you weren't sure what his reaction would be (how honest would that be of you?) Considering he's heard about what depression can do to his in-laws, I'm sure he'll be pretty sympathetic to what happened with your brother. MD
Author RedRose3373 Posted March 12, 2006 Author Posted March 12, 2006 Yeah thanks MD I see what u r saying. I don't want him to feel sorry for me or anything & mainly I don't want him to think that my family is messed up like his sister in laws family. I think i want him to get to know me for me & to see who i am, before i tell him. I think I'll wait a few months. Also, turns out that my new man is business partners with my old neighbors that we grew up with, so there might be a chance that his business partner already told him about it, i'm not sure. Its so weird because my new man lost his father to cancer in February of 1990 & i lost my brother that same month of that same year, February of 1990.
MadDog Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 Yeah thanks MD I see what u r saying. I don't want him to feel sorry for me or anything & mainly I don't want him to think that my family is messed up like his sister in laws family. I think i want him to get to know me for me & to see who i am, before i tell him. I think I'll wait a few months. Also, turns out that my new man is business partners with my old neighbors that we grew up with, so there might be a chance that his business partner already told him about it, i'm not sure. Its so weird because my new man lost his father to cancer in February of 1990 & i lost my brother that same month of that same year, February of 1990. If he's cool, he won't freak out just because your brother had bad depression. But just wait until you're comfortable to tell him. That is quite a coincidence that you two had such a terrible loss at the same time. It's something you two could eventually talk about and would bring you closer together. Good luck. MD
Becoming Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 Hi, RR. First of all, I'm sorry for this tragedy that has happened to you. And I commend you for not piggybacking on his pain with your tale. It didn't seem you had opportunity to bring it up the way the conversation unfolded without "trumping" his pain. If he did know about your past, though, he may have been fishing to see how you'd react . . . ??? Were you afraid that he'd think depression/suicide ran in your family as well and back away from the relationship? I think if you wait too long he may feel you were deceptive by not being forthcoming. If, however, you simply tell him soon something like "The conversation we had the other day about suicide has left me with an unsettled feeling because my bro. committed suicide when I was 17. I didn't want to minimize your pain, so it didn't seem appropriate to bring it up then. But I didn't want you to think I was hiding anything from you, so I decided it was best to tell you now. To be honest, I may have been a little afraid you might think depression runs in my family and reject me as unsuitable for you, given what you know about the pain of being with someone who's depressed." This is honest, forthright. And it'll tell you a lot about who this person is by how he chooses to handle your vulnerability, which is always a good thing to know before you get too involved. Best wishes.
Author RedRose3373 Posted March 12, 2006 Author Posted March 12, 2006 thanks guys for your advice I really appreciate it yes becoming I am a little afraid that he'd think depression/suicide ran in myfamily as well and back away from the relationship. But u know what,it will tell me alot about him. & if he's that shallow to leave me because of this tradegy that happened to me 16 years ago, then so be it! If he's that shallow then i don't want to be with someone like that anyway, right!! I think i'll tell him in another month or 2 I won't wait too long thanks guys
Guest Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 I have found the best way to deal with my mother's suicide is to just say she passed away. If someone wants to pry then I tell them. it is not something I like to talk about.
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