Lack of love is driving me to suicide

[Vertex]

I understand that when most people say they are suicidal, they are doing so as a cry for attention. Maybe that is the core of my logic, but it is not my intent -- I have never been so serious about the thought before until now, and it is scaring me, but there are so many external factors right now that just seem to point me to a mindset of worthlessness and general inadequacy. I sent myself the following Email just to write things out.

 

"I am such a worthless human being. I don't know why I even continue living? My family doesn't love me anymore and my mom just wishes to drown me in debt. I envy all these people who have mothers that have a mentality of "I had to pay off so much debt in my college days and I would never put my children through that." No, my mom will just ignore that the family's assets affects financial aid and claim that everyone my age has to pay just as much as I do, which isn't true. My mom has a "Well I had to pay off my debt from my half-semester of school even though I am lying, since if you spoke to my mother you'd learn that she paid for me. Why should I pay for my kid's education? He can figure it out for himself, he's smart. Meanwhile I'll pay a thousand or two to the law to fix my other child's mistake of stealing! And his dying football career" mentality. I wish dad didn't die, but since he did, all traces of logic have vanished from the family.

 

And college wouldn't be so bad if I were actually learning stuff. But no, it's no different from high school. It's all memorize and regurgitate. Nothing fancy. I'm so disappointed in this Ivy League bullcrap. I've lost my drive to work and I just don't care anymore, and as a result my grades slip. I'm sick of everyone treating me like I am inferior because I didn't take up my acceptance at Harvard or Yale or Stanford or Princeton or whatever, or because I do not attend the Wharton side of Penn. Are they just scared and feel the need to establish superiority over me? No one thinks of me as smart anymore and I miss that feeling of having people look up to me. I miss being the guy people respected. People used to tell me, "Forget the jerks. They may have the girls and the accolades and the spotlights now, but it's the kind individuals with brains that people will seek later." Well, it doesn't apply to me. Now I just get ignored. I'm not even a mean person -- I'm very nice to people and I'd call myself a good listener with sound advice most of the time. I'm not a total recluse either, but regardless, I continually get ignored by virtually everybody.

 

I've become so lonely. I have no friends here at school. I don't really even have friends back home really even though I had a large group to hang out with. I had a few good ones, my main three. Most of the people in my group I was not close with. But even so I don't keep consistent contact with any of them and I only talk to them if I make contact first. Nobody ever goes out of their way to contact me.

 

I can't stop crying but it feels good since I don't have a roommate to hide from at the moment. He might be back soon, but until then I have privacy.

 

My own girlfriend ignores me. You'd think I'd be able to confide in my own girlfriend, attending school but an hour away. But no, she'd rather make excuses for not being able to see me. First it was her parents who didn't stay for more than an hour, then it was a short play. She doesn't actively want to see me anymore like she did during senior year. It's not like she's uber busy either. She's stopped calling or texting me and says I've stopped too, which wasn't true. I used to call and text all the time but she'd either not answer, or stop answering because she would leave her phone in her room since I was doing it too much apparently (is once a day/every other day too much?!). No, she'd rather go hang out with James all day. I bet she's probably gonna buy him stuff for his birthday, even though she didn't for me. I bought her a f***ing NANO that she doesn't probably use. I bought her a bracelet she never wears anymore. I bought her perfume she doesn't use anymore. I bought her so many things that she just doesn't even consider. Aren't people in love supposed to make time for each other?

 

I think about when she told me in passing, "If I cheated on you I wouldn't tell you, you'd break up with me! But don't worry I don't cheat!" But I would deserve to know. By saying this to me you establish that you are just selfish and care only about your feelings and not mine. She doesn't have a genuine interest in my feelings. She is probably having an emotional affair (maybe even physical, I don't even know) with James and would never tell me, but she pursues him in a way she doesn't pursue me. She only talks to me anymore late late at night after she's spent her day with James, and quickly leaves to bed. I think about the things my mom told my dad when she was cheating on him. It was so obvious she was lying and my dad didn't deserve it -- and he was hurt so much when he found out himself. I feel like the same is happening now. My mom spent all this time with Tom on the side and claimed he was just a friend, and would never mention when she was going out to see him even though it was often. Well, guess what happened. Dad's dead and Mom's f***ing Tom. If I weren't alive, (girlfriend's name) would probably be f***ing James. Then again maybe I don't need to be dead for that to happen.

 

I know (girlfriend's name) would kill me if she heard me accuse her of all this, but I don't know what else I am supposed to think. She can say "Oh but we have sex" or "But how can you say this after all the time we've invested," but if this is all so true, then why does she deny me the things she gives so freely to others? Why doesn't she have an active interest in me? Why doesn't she pursue me? Why does she spend so much time with James and yet act so hesitant about visiting me? She even didn't want to come here to Penn anymore. I don't know why I put up with so many red flags. But it tears at me.

 

I long for the day when someone has an insatiable desire to be with me, who can't live without me. I crave that feeling so much and I am so depressed that I will never have it. I want so badly to feel loved and cherished and respected and admired, I want it so so very much..!aslksm I can barely type anymore. But I want it so much. But I don't think I will ever have it. I've been wanting that feeling all my life, to be wanted and sought after. I usually never got it. Back in elementary school I wanted friends, and usually I was shunned. Maybe I had an occasional buddy but they usually drifted off with time. Ever since then I just wanted to be worth something to someone. I feel like such a loser who is just taking up space. Every day I seriously consider just ending it. I think of my dad and all the pain he had with his marriage, all that bulls*** he put up with for love. Love that I am not sure he had in the amount he deserved. And now he's resting peacefully and doesn't have to deal with it anymore.

 

I probably will never have a good job despite my talents, skills, and education. I may not even have someone that loves me. I may never have a family that loves me. I may never have any friends.

 

I just want to be loved. But if it is never going to happen, I have no reason to go on"

 

I don't know what to do.

[tikigods]

1. Why are you with a girl that doesn't care about you? Dump her and there is one of your problems gone.

 

2. Have you ever thought of taking a break from school? Going out and tring to find yourself? Many people do this, my friend just got back from a trip to Bangladash, she wasn't sure what she was going to do after college so she worked, saved some money and is trying to figure out what it is she wants to be. It isn't something that just comes easy

 

3. Have you looked into somesort of aide for the school? A lot of people pay for their own school, my best friend is swimming in debt to her ears since she had to pay for it all, but that doesn't mean her mom doesn't love her, its just that she couldn't afford it. But my friend did look into scholorships and goverment helping, as well as loans. I think its more common these days for kids to pay for school themselves.

 

4. SEe a cousnlor, you seem to have a lot ot things that you need to work out, and you need more help then you can get on an advice board.

 

5. Suicide may be a nice fix FOR YOU but its one of the most selfish things you can do, as someone that has had close family do it, I can tell you that it easily tears up families and leaves those left behind feeling empty and confused, you might be out of pain but you cause so many more people pain, you might not think it now, but its true.

 

6. Join a club, or school activity, get around like minded people, thats the best way to make friends.

[lindya]

I'm getting the impression, from what you say, that this is your first year at University...and so far it isn't proving to be all you hoped it would be. On top of that there's a lack of emotional and financial support from your mother, insecurity about your relationship with your girlfriend and grief about losing your father. It's not surprising you're feeling as you do just now.

 

There will be a student counsellor at your university, so make an appointment asap. I think you should also make a medical appointment, and there should be a hotline emergency number (is it 1800 in the US? ) you can call to talk this through with someone.

 

You seem to have been through an inordinate amount of loss and change lately, and that's terribly hard for the psyche to cope with. Other people such as family and friends aren't always as good at helping you through these times as you would hope. That isn't necessarily a reflection on their feelings for you - it's just that providing a bereaved, depressed person with the support and help they need is a pretty specialised skill that a lot of people don't have.

 

Right now you're focusing on the need for love and care, which is entirely understandable...but that creates a situation where your recovery becomes dependent on other people and how they choose to treat you, or how you perceive them as treating you. Remember that depression can impair a person's perception significantly, which is why you need to get urgent help for this rather than engaging yourself in listing reasons for not living.

 

As you identify and use the resources that can help you reduce these feelings of depression and gradually build up your confidence, I think you'll find that your feelings of overwhelming stress and tension automatically start to diminish. Lots of people have an extremely tough time at university initially (emotionally and financially), and bloom in the latter years.

 

In two years time, you could be an entirely different person from the one you are now. Who knows - you might elect to switch your course of study, get a part-time job somewhere where you have the buzz of mixing with a totally different group of people, fall in love with someone new, develop a close knit group of friends who you'll create all sorts of memories with.

 

There's no reason why any of that shouldn't happen - other than you giving up completely, which you mustn't. Realise that you're on a dip just now, and you absolutely must seek some professional help to start getting out of that. Your mind can be your best friend, or it can be your constant saboteur. Right now yours is the latter, and you clearly need some counselling to help you make that mental shift that will get you off self destruct.

 

Keep posting. It might help clarify some things for you, and enable you to get more out of the counselling than you otherwise would.

[RedRose3373]

Vertex

I think u need to talk to someone.

I am speaking from experience. My brother had depression & killed himself 16 years ago. It left our family devistated, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. You have no idea what it does to the people that u leave behind. I know that i will never be the same as long as i live, there is no way i can be.

 

I think u really need to talk to someone, it may help, it may not. It didn't help my brother.

 

Suicide is a very serious thought. You just have no idea what it does to the people that u leave behind. There is just no way to exactly explain it. But its the worst feeling that i ever had to deal with in my life!! Whatever u do, please don't think this way.

[MadDog]

I know everything seems terrible right now but things will definately get better. I know there's a whole stigma behind it but please try seeing a counselor about this. I think you're suffering from clinical depression and it's something that lots of people go through at one point in their lives. You say you just want to be loved and that person may be just around the corner. What a tragedy it would be if you were to end your life and you two never met. Please consider seeking professional help.

 

MD

[Becoming]

Vertex, darling, you are depressed. This is a medical condition that can be treated with drugs and therapy.

 

Call a crisis hotline to talk to someone NOW. Get the information from the phone book.

 

Go to the university clinic immediately. You need drugs for depression. Take a copy of your email to show the dr. if you can't talk.

 

I know these feelings, V. I know what it's like to grow up in a family with so many problems that your desire to better yourself goes unsupported. The way you describe wanting someone to love you touches us with the truth we all feel. But to those who didn't experience this as a child, this is a desire that few can understand--the need for love is almost like a need for food or water. I know what it's like to struggle with depression as a result of this past.

 

I know, too, that the love you most need is YOUR love of self. That's what therapy will give you.

 

You need both drugs and therapy. Your university should provide both.

 

Suicide is not a viable option. Getting yourself the help you need is. So do it . . . now!

[noclobber]

I can perfectly empathize with you Vertex 'cos I came very very close just recently. And for the exact same reasons as yours. If you are interested please see my thread - "I want to die" in 'Self-improvement and Well-being' section.

 

I too thought that nobody is going to love me. And I was reeling from a rejection dealt to me by my female friend. I also have an addiction problem that has devastated my life. I really came close to taking away my life on March 3rd but messages of love and support were pouring in from members of LS and with time I got better. It seemed so hopeless but trust me things WILL get better. Just b'cos bad things have been happening to you does not mean that is your destiny for this lifetime. Just say to yourself "So far I haven't met the right woman but I will soon" instead of "I can never get the right woman". It makes a lot of difference.

 

I am reading a book called "A Rational Guide to Living". Its really amazing, self-talk can make a huge difference. I would suggest that you read that. But for now please go and see a counsellor or call the hotline. I suspect it might be a medical condition.

 

Please don't give up on yourself!

[Vertex]

Thank you for the kind replies. Is it wrong to get angry over James?? I mean, my girlfriend tells me all the time he's just a friend, but he says "I love you" to her often (she doesn't say it back though, admittedly, but one time she did say it to him when she was out partying with friends drunk). On Valentines Day I spent all this time finding the right flowers for her, and she didn't get me anything until 3 days after I arrived and stayed in her dorm room (she went out to buy me a fabric belt). And these two are constantly going out every night and she's always inviting him to do things or to go do something fun, but she doesn't talk to me until late at night when she returns. And I admit, I snoop in her Emails, but only because of her cheating-quote that really set off a red flag for me. She was saying "Let's do something fun for your birthday! What do you want as a present? I need to buy you something!" and it's like, she never does that for me. I feel like she places this guy as a higher priority than me. I mean, we do have sex, I DON'T think they are having sex or anything (but who knows, I could be totally and utterly incorrect), but regardless, she does say she loves me, but there are just so many mixed messages. Am I overreacting?

[noclobber]

Am I overreacting?

 

No, I don't think so. Always remember, you cannot apply logic to solve relationship problems. If you 'feel' something is wrong you got to deal with it right away. I really think your girlfriend is bothering you a lot. James may be a close friend of her but you don't know for sure whether she has romantic feelings for him. She may just love him as a friend. But nevertheless since you are obviously concerned by this whole thing you got to sit down and talk with her. Say that you are not getting your needs met in this relationship. See how she reacts and what she does. If she continues the same behavior then dump her and move on! She will only drive you crazy if you don't.

[SarahLucey]

Hi, I just started reading this forum today and I've never posted before but I just wanted to say that I'm around your age Vertex and I've felt the same way you have, if not magnified as much, but I just wanted to say if you want to talk to someone ever you can email me at FoolOnTheHill42 at aol.com.

 

-Sarah

[Slapshot2286]

First off, your girlfriend sounds like she doesn't care. When you're really close to somebody (even if they don't want to be close to you), it can affect EVERYTHING in your life. Especially your attitude about life. I was feeling some similar feelings for a while. You need to talk to somebody to help you sort out the feelings you have and help you get through this difficult time.

 

I'll tell you though...the one thing that seems to have solved most of my problems is the Army. And it seems like it could solve a lot of problems for you too. They will pay for your school, motivate you, get you in shape, PAY YOU, get you a college degree, and give you leadership skills that will take you to a great job. There's a lot of opportunity there, you just have to be willing to pursue it.

[whichwayisup]

You have to be happy with yourself first. Seems things aren't going well in your life, and your mistrust of your girlfriend (Or she is making you feel insecure and you have self doubt, that's not a good thing or a nice feeling to have when you're in a relationship), your life in general.

 

Only YOU can change things! It's so easy to get into a daily rut, a routine and a frame of mind which leads to depression, and it sounds like you're very down, negative and that just makes things even worse.

 

Have you considered seeing a therapist, just so you can talk this out? Gain some self confidence and self worth? I'm just saying that if you let this get out of control it WILL get worse, which right now I think is the time to deal with this and your issues. I hope you atleast think about this option.

 

Hang in there and keep writing/venting. Holding it in will only make you feel worse.

[roxy_1980]

Vertex,

 

First off, I can tell this your first year of university. Often people feel the way that you do in first year about their academics. First year is boring, but what it leads to is much better. As you enter your junior and senior years, it all comes together and it's really exciting. Don't let the first year base information building get you down.

 

As for your girlfriend, you mentioned that she lives an hour away. You're probably gonna find out that won't work just because of the distance. That's probably why she's pulling away. She's meeting new people in the new exciting world of college. I don't say this to be mean, but rather for you to perhaps realize that maybe it's better to start putting yourself out there socially. If she's is in fact with this James guy, look elsewhere. You're young and have alot of prospects in front of you.

 

As for your mom, her negligence is no reason for you to take your own life. Live life for yourself, no-one else. Your financial situation is quite common. You're not alone. Maybe not alot of people in your school are in debt cause Penn State has a high ratio of very rich kids. But, nationwide and worldwide, students drown in debt. I personally had to pay for my education as well. Even though people have assets and make alot of money. They also tend to live in their means. When people get a raise, they spend more and don't necessarily think about the future. Debt is surmountable. It may take a while, but nearly everyone does it. You can too.

 

And again as everyone said, counselling ASAP.

 

Praying for you,

Roxy

[Noos]

Vertex - I've been there.

 

This girl doesn't care enough to work at sustaining a loving relationship. I think you should break up with her. Many relationships from highschool don't survive the transition to university.

 

Why didn'y you go to Harvard or Yale? You don't say. But it sounds like you are a perfectionist with an addiction to achievement. Your moods are being governed too much by what other people think and you cannot live a happy life this way.

 

Keep writing everything down so you can show it to a psychologist. They will be able to deciopher the root causes of your problems.

 

Go to a general practitioner, take your email with you and get some help. He or she will probably refer you to a psychiatrist for an assessment and then to a psychologist for therapy while you take anti-depressants to stabilise your mood.

 

DO IT NOW!

 

And if you want to talk, come back to this thread.

 

This stuff is garden variety depression. You are not alone. Over here, 1 in 5 people will suffer from depression at some point in their lives. It is very common and there are specialists out there who canhelp you.

[whichwayisup]

You are not alone. Over here, 1 in 5 people will suffer from depression at some point in their lives. It is very common and there are specialists out there who canhelp you.

 

Situations like death, breakups, and major health issues WILL cause alot of anxiety and will lead to depression. Noos is right, you're not alone. So keep posting and talking about it all.

[starlight2025]

I'm planning out my next suicide attempt. I intend to do it sometime this summer with antifreeze poisoning in my gatarade or smoothie. I read an article of how a woman used antifreeze to murder her husband. She put it in his smoothie. I figure it will work as a suicide method. Why not?