swissair Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 Well, I've been doing good, but I'm crashing tonight. Her empty words are screwing me up. Why do ex's have to fill you with lies and false hope mere DAYS prior to dumping you? Why? My case -- 6 days prior to dumping me, she takes me to her lake. We're on her dock, in each other's arms, staring into each others eyes, and she tells me this is the most special place in her life and it's so special that I'm there with her... how amazing I am... how she loves being with me, and loves everything about me... and boom. 6 days later, "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." Why?
fooled Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 I don't know how long you were together - and maybe this is tonight's bitterness talking, but here's my thoughts. Because she is screwed up. It's pretty much that simple. She wanted to feel good for the moment and had no regard for the emotional consequences. Forgetting the words is to me, the hardest part. In your case, even the actions were deceptive. This is no consolation, but she isn't ready for a relationship with anybody. And chances are, she will be again very soon. Expect it, because she is only interested in her own feelings. It is going to be a hard ride for you, my friend. I'm only several cars ahead of you.
Author swissair Posted March 12, 2006 Author Posted March 12, 2006 Thank you for the advice. I feel she is screwed up too -- it's nice to have confirmation. We were together roughly 4 months. I'm 24, she's 23. She was the one who used the L word first (about 15 days prior to dumping me), and she was the one making summer travel plans for us to go to Germany together... She was solely advancing the relationship -- I was in no rush, but I was comfortable with the pace. I ignored her for a month after she dumped me. I felt good. She messaged me on msn last week and we've been talking. She saw a new pic of my previous ex on my website and got very jealous... Asking all kinds of "just friends? or is there more?" type questions... So she tells me I'm amazing, dumps me, and now is jealous I'm hanging out and taking pictures of a previous ex? :S
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 Her feelings are hurt, and she's feeling jealous because she figures you're over her. It's ego! Remember that. Also, please don't spend much time, if at all, talking to her online. You said you were doing great without hearing from her for a month. Talking to her again is just opening up your heart...Even if things are over, why put yourself IN a situation where you could start intense feelings for her all over again? I'm betting, if you ask her for another chance she will RUN and head for the hills so fast...She likes you, but take this from a female's point of view... Right now she is testing the waters to see how YOU fit into HER life as a FRIEND. She still feels abit of ownership towards you, but she really doesn't 'want' you the way she used to...Which again, all comes down to ego. It's not as malcious as I'm making it sound, it isn't precalculated, it's just instinct for her right now to act the way she is...For your own sanity and peace of mind, do yourself a huge favour...Ask her to not IM you anymore. Don't explain yourself, you don't owe her that - But make it clear that you've moved on and don't wish to continue contact.
In Sync Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 Well, I've been doing good, but I'm crashing tonight. Her empty words are screwing me up. Why do ex's have to fill you with lies and false hope mere DAYS prior to dumping you? Why? My case -- 6 days prior to dumping me, she takes me to her lake. We're on her dock, in each other's arms, staring into each others eyes, and she tells me this is the most special place in her life and it's so special that I'm there with her... how amazing I am... how she loves being with me, and loves everything about me... and boom. 6 days later, "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." Why? This is a case of you gave your heart to someone at a rapid pace. And she ran with it. You dated for 4 months and she tossed out the L word. You fell for it. I'm not blaming you, but only showing you how this is something that is still causing you a problem. Yes it is the words! And until you and any of us detach oneself from the 'words' (any sweet new love interests toss) and by detach I mean: PULL BACK EMOTIONALLY in the first few months. Until this lesson is learned we will be a victim of the words they sell and we buy. Pulling back emotionally doesn't mean you can't enjoy the moment. You can enjoy the girl, the sex (hell yeah! Enjoy that), the lake, the moon, (just as much as she did) But you don't have to become a sucker and take everything that comes out of their mouths as gosple truth...and then wonder later how you got fooled by the Houdini who disappeared! There's no guarantee with any relationship how many marriages have broken up after 20 years, but they had promised til death do us part (FAMOUS WORDS TO LIVE BY?)...yet look at how many people walk away from those words. Words are meant to manipulate and create illusions and convey our thoughts and feelings, but it's up to each of us how much we want to believe in the person who speaks them. Really, think and think again how many times you or anyone you know keeps saying about a breakup, he said this or how could she say that? How does a car dealer look you straight in the eyes and tells you that lemon is in perfect condition. But youu the customer still instead of checking around and investingating say ok I'll buy it.
Author swissair Posted March 12, 2006 Author Posted March 12, 2006 whichwayisup -- yes, funny how ego works! I don't talk to her often on msn, but the few times I did, it made me feel better. Seeing her acting so insecure and juvenile really reminds me why I shouldn't want to be with her. For example, on friday afternoon I was telling her about how I had breakfast with the deputy health minister to discuss a project we're working on for the government. And her response? "Fun. Well, I have 750 people on my msn list, and it's annoying to watch them sign in and out." HAH. Child! In Sync -- so very true about giving my heart too quickly. I think I have to shift my trust philosophy from "100% trusted until broke" towards "trust is earned." My problem is that until now, I've never had someone lie to my face or stab me in the back. I know my close friends are 100% behind me, through think and thin. I just extended my trust to her which was wrong... Thank you
In Sync Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 whichwayisup -- yes, funny how ego works! I don't talk to her often on msn, but the few times I did, it made me feel better. Seeing her acting so insecure and juvenile really reminds me why I shouldn't want to be with her. For example, on friday afternoon I was telling her about how I had breakfast with the deputy health minister to discuss a project we're working on for the government. And her response? "Fun. Well, I have 750 people on my msn list, and it's annoying to watch them sign in and out." HAH. Child! In Sync -- so very true about giving my heart too quickly. I think I have to shift my trust philosophy from "100% trusted until broke" towards "trust is earned." My problem is that until now, I've never had someone lie to my face or stab me in the back. I know my close friends are 100% behind me, through think and thin. I just extended my trust to her which was wrong... Thank you Your welcome....but I must say you are indeed making the same bad choice again..by allowing her words to effect you. That's a damn good reason why NC works. But many of us would rather keeping banging our heads on the wall until it becomes pulp before we realize WE ARE HURTING OURSELVES. Which is why I ask you this? Why do you still allow yourself any contact with this girl. The outcome for you is still disappointment and annoyance. Are you trying to win her back by impressing her with your personal accomplishments? To her it's no big deal. She already dumped you. And even if by a remote chance she was to reverse her decision based on the personal goals you obtained ...uh that's rather shallow..and you want that?
Author swissair Posted March 13, 2006 Author Posted March 13, 2006 I had to think about your response for some time... Why did I talk to her? I wasn't trying to impress her -- we both have good jobs so we are pretty open about work. Normally, she would have asked what happened at my meeting, but instead I got that childish remark. I think I knew she was digging to see if I was still hurt and hung up on her. This may have been childish of me, but I felt the need to show her -- and to show myself -- that I was living my life and having a great time. To show that she didn't control me. I did just that and her ego took a hit. Talking to her didn't hurt. My only remaining hurt is from trying to rationalize her empty words while we were still together and the ensuing breakup. I kind of hoped we could be civil because we were great as friends. I am friends with all my previous ex's regardless of who dumped who. I see that we can't be civil. I'm still processing things, and now her ego is bashed after I appeared over her. Had she started talking about a new guy, I would have been a mess. Although, talking to her did help kill any remaining relationship feelings I had for her. I'm going to delete her from msn so this doesn't continue.
In Sync Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 I had to think about your response for some time... Why did I talk to her? I wasn't trying to impress her -- we both have good jobs so we are pretty open about work. Normally, she would have asked what happened at my meeting, but instead I got that childish remark. I think I knew she was digging to see if I was still hurt and hung up on her. This may have been childish of me, but I felt the need to show her -- and to show myself -- that I was living my life and having a great time. To show that she didn't control me. I did just that and her ego took a hit. Talking to her didn't hurt. My only remaining hurt is from trying to rationalize her empty words while we were still together and the ensuing breakup. I kind of hoped we could be civil because we were great as friends. I am friends with all my previous ex's regardless of who dumped who. I see that we can't be civil. I'm still processing things, and now her ego is bashed after I appeared over her. Had she started talking about a new guy, I would have been a mess. Although, talking to her did help kill any remaining relationship feelings I had for her. I'm going to delete her from msn so this doesn't continue. I mean this in all sincerity, but if you were to hand this post and your original post to an objective eye...you indeed answered my statement. You are now justifying staying in contact with her. But earlier you wrote that you were crashing... the two are connected. Until you can see that you will continue the pattern and continue any hurt (discomfort) you receive to yourself by "being civil." Are you are normallly rude or aggressive or uncivil...so how is maintaining NC being uncivil? Again, this is your quote " but I felt the need to show her -- and to show myself -- that I was living my life and having a great time. To show that she didn't control me. I did just that and her ego took a hit" That doesn't fall under the category of trying to impress someone? Come one, get real. You are respondng to her. I mean do you care whether the guy sitting next to you on a bus or train knows what you are doing, ergo you are living your life based on her reaction...you are not out from under of her control if you need to let her know what you are doing...this is seeking validation from someone who dumped you. Sorry. The idea about NC, doesn't mean filtering out info if she starts referring to new bf, it's to distance youreslf emotionally from all bits of info. Why do you need to share that. If you loved her and she dumped you and YOU WANT to recover then you do NC. But (and here's the big one) maybe you like this discomfort...you'd be surprise at how many people say they don't like being hurt or getting hurt but keep repeating the same actions again and then toss the responsibility onto the other...as if she/he should keep her ego in check....
Apathetic Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 Your welcome....but I must say you are indeed making the same bad choice again..by allowing her words to effect you. That's a damn good reason why NC works. But many of us would rather keeping banging our heads on the wall until it becomes pulp before we realize WE ARE HURTING OURSELVES. Which is why I ask you this? Why do you still allow yourself any contact with this girl. The outcome for you is still disappointment and annoyance. Are you trying to win her back by impressing her with your personal accomplishments? To her it's no big deal. She already dumped you. And even if by a remote chance she was to reverse her decision based on the personal goals you obtained ...uh that's rather shallow..and you want that? HI Insyc..You seem to give helpful advice & have some good insight.I am in a similiar situation w/ the empty words,trying to be civil etc etc...My story is over in 'breaking up': 'Am I wrong'..If you would like to read it I would love to hear your thoughts on it..Thanks!
Author swissair Posted March 20, 2006 Author Posted March 20, 2006 I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I thought I could treat her in the context of a relationship and her in the context of a friendship as two different people... but, that's not possible. We haven't talked for a week and I'm doing much better. So, thank you. I wrote this letter to her which I will NEVER send. But I wanted to get this out: I thought I was cool with being friends, but I'm not. Whenever we talk, I still think about us. I think about how you took me to your lake and told me how special it was and then a week later said you felt nothing. I will never understand why you went out of your way to act like you cared about me when you were really "questioning your heart." Talking to you, I notice how you've forgotten many things about me that I told you. That makes me feel disposable and I can't take it anymore. I know I shouldn't even be telling you this -- you'll probably have a good laugh with the new/old boy. Just like you told me you slept in your ex's roomates bed to make the ex jealous and how much you enjoyed that the ex cried when he said he wasn't over you. So I have to disappear. We can't have a normal conversation because I can't ask you what you did on the weekend or last night because I'm scared of what I will hear. I've dated others before you, but you were the first person I told I loved. It wasn't a lie. You don't feel the same and I accept that. Talking to you just reminds me how your life went on without missing a beat, meanwhile I lay broken into a million pieces.
In Sync Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 Pat yourself on the back. This letter you wrote (that you will not send:)) is a major turning point...it's actually a letter to yourself if you really think about it. It's a letter to yourself saying you will not continue on the same unresourceful path that can set you back and keep you in unhealthy state. You are saying to yourself you want better treatment. It's a significant letter. Congrats on doing whatever you need to do towards movin forward!
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