So sad today

[fooled]

I have been having a tennis match between my feelings of anger and sadness lately, so I decided to take a solo road trip from LA to Phoenix to hang out with an ex-lover/still friend who is visiting there. I hoped that it would spark a sense of freedom, creativity and being happy doing something for myself.

 

But what I've been doing mostly is fighting sadness. Longing -- for an illusion. I have not been able to sucessfully focus on being happy. I write and verbalize affirmations all the time: "I am better off without her. I don't want her or need her in my life. She is poison and I must stop injecting myself with thoughts of her. She is living her life the way she wants and I should be living mine. I am happy with myself."

 

Some moments the past few weeks have been better than others. This weekend though, the sadness is threatening to overwhelm. Everything reminds me of her. I want to call her. I want to see her. Really though - I want her to have not cheated and lied. I want to stop living in the past - letting memories of this woman affect my moods.

 

I wanted this trip to be a sabbatical, where I could focus on some work I have to do - and to feed myself spiritually. I am sitting alone in a hotel room.

 

I think I lack the ability to let go - not just of my feelings of the past, but of myself. Even though I physically made this trip - I didn't emotionally. I feel trapped in myself. I have forgotten how to let go and have fun. Now that I'm here, I just want to go home. But I really don't. I don't look forward to the drive and when I return home, nothing will have changed.

 

You all know this post is just a stream of consciousness journal for me, right?

 

I am trying to live in the moment - to just BE. To pay attention to the beauty of details. I cannot change the past - I cannot change that she was lining up other relationships while we were still together. And there's no way to predict the future. All that's left is to live in the moment - and be happy here.

 

I'm trying. A lot of you have said you are proud of me - of my strength and resolve. I'm still just trying, though. Struggling and sometimes floundering. But I am trying. It's very possible I am not trying hard enough.

 

Because the only thing I really look forward to is the memories of her, both bad and good, to fade.

[notmakingsense]

I've been there fooled. Trapped in myself. Not mattering what I did, the thoughts/feelings always returning.

 

Then, one day, it stopped. I re-connected with my ex after 3 months of no contact. She wanted an FWB at that point, and for the first time ever, I was able to look at her and realize that I didn't want her any longer. It was at that moment that I really began to feel better. My mind left the past and started *really* thinking about the present and future.

 

I think the key is getting to the point that you really believe deep down that you don't want her. Sure, your logical brain already doesn't want her, but now your emotional self has to come into alignment.

 

How to get there? I have no idea. It just happened. I think you are already doing what anyone can do -- trying to live your life and do things for yourself. Unless you think you have some deeper psychological issues that need professional help, just keep trying to live your life, and one day, you'll snap out of it.

[amaysngrace]

hey Fooled. i just came aboard LS but took some time to go back to some of your threads to see what your deal was. i know you're hurting for her, but you're hurting for who you wish she was, not really who she is....right? you are going to snap out of it, like the post above says. you will. it's just going to take time to heal. i think mostly your pride is hurt because you've lost faith in your own good judgment, so it's probaly more like you hurt for yourself than her actually, ya know? i have a suggestion...i read back and didn't hear of you saying you had a puppy, do you? would you ever want to get one? i think it could do you some good to get a new best friend really. just be sure when you walk him you go in the OPPOSITE direction of where she lives, k? thinking of you.....

[fooled]

Thanks NMS - that is very encouraging to learn. As you may know - she has drunk dialed a few times for sex, but I haven't answered. The last call was 2 weeks ago.

 

And thank you, Grace. You're in the ballpark - I long for who she led me to believe she was - but also there are some wonderful things about her that I miss. We used to talk frequently and shared a lot of the same views on a wide range of topics. I miss talking to her. It hurts that I think of her when these subjects come up with other people. I sort of just get quiet then.

 

I love dogs, she had one that I loved to walk with her. But my work schedule is too erratic for me to care for an animal. It wouldn't be fair to it. And honestly, I think it would make me think of her. It's the little personality-specific things I miss. And it still makes me jealous to know someone else is enjoying them - even though he's unaware she's boning several other people.

 

 

hey Fooled. i just came aboard LS but took some time to go back to some of your threads to see what your deal was. i know you're hurting for her, but you're hurting for who you wish she was, not really who she is....right? you are going to snap out of it, like the post above says. you will. it's just going to take time to heal. i think mostly your pride is hurt because you've lost faith in your own good judgment, so it's probaly more like you hurt for yourself than her actually, ya know? i have a suggestion...i read back and didn't hear of you saying you had a puppy, do you? would you ever want to get one? i think it could do you some good to get a new best friend really. just be sure when you walk him you go in the OPPOSITE direction of where she lives, k? thinking of you.....

[amaysngrace]

sorry to hear you think of her in almost every aspect of yourself...that's a tough one then. can i ask you...what was your life like before she entered it...like who were you exactly?

[riobikini]

Fooled: " You all know this post is just a stream of consciousness journal for me, right? "

 

(Smile)

 

I understand that, Fooled.

 

Nearly, every post I have written here in LS has become apart of that very same kind of journal, for me.

 

I also understand about the sadness, the stubborn longing, the alternating anger.

 

To me, some major chunks of my relationship with B** seemed like an attack on my intelligence and self-respect, -some of them were even humiliating, although I never said so.

 

Like one time when he introduced me to a friend of his as 'one of my girls' from the state he lived in.

 

Made me feel like a person waiting for future disposal, -turns out I was, in fact, disposable, insignificant, -certainly just 'one of his girls'.

 

Fooled, when you start getting that 'twenty-twenty hindsight vision', you see things in a different way and you feel some unbearably strong feelings about it.

 

You begin to want your self-respect and confidence level back to 'normal', and your everyday happiness to return.

 

You resent being sad because you can't seem to control the feeling, nor prevent its washing over you.

 

And when you feel the subsequent anger, you even get angry about that because it's just another emotion resulting from the whole messed-up relationship, -still present, still controlling, and still trying to suck out every bit of strength you are trying so desperately to rebuild in your life, in every way it can.

 

I force myself to go through the motions, telling myself its the only way, and that I will beat it, -one day.

 

I do put up a fight.

 

I have this surprising, last-ditch, katie-bar-the-door, stubborn streak of unwillingness to submit to things that suck out my self-respect.

 

Aside from any genetic influence, I have built and fostered that trait since I was small, when I fought for my independence and recognized I was (Smile) probably just the odd one in the family who would always be taking up crosses, diving head-first into problems that needed straightening out, -and, generally keeping the trouble quotient up in my life.

 

It has turned out to be one of the best traits I have, -not only compelling me to jump into a problem, -but teaching me how to jump in intelligently, and with a plan to do what I meant to do once I'd dived into it, and how to come out without too much injury to myself when helping someone else.

 

I have also learned it is a good trait to have when protecting myself with my own personal problems, as well.

 

Human beings seem to naturally have a dose of that trait that allows us to fight for our happiness, and the protection of our self-respect and confidence.

 

You are nearing that battlefield, it seems, where you have had enough, and are preparing for that last big, confrontational fight with those clinging, annoying, disturbing, emotions which are so injurious to your rebuilding back your life.

 

Your liberation is coming.

 

I have read your most recent posts and can see it building.

 

And I have confidence you will win.

 

(Smile)

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

[fooled]

sorry to hear you think of her in almost every aspect of yourself...that's a tough one then. can i ask you...what was your life like before she entered it...like who were you exactly?

 

This is difficult without getting too identity specific. We are in symbiotic professions. We were traveling the same path - and then came together. we knew the same people, did the same things, have the same interests, attended the same events, yet somehow, we had never met. And when we did, it was a remarkable, magical, beautiful thing. Our lives couldn't help but intertwine at that point.

 

Since the split, I have jumped off the helix, as it were. Disconnected myself as much as I can from that area of my field and focusing on another. However, that is tough, because I am strongly associated with it.

And because of that - I cannot escape completely. It's the rebuilding from the ground floor up that's terribly taxing. And I feel lost sometimes. I was alone for 5 years before I met her - and slowly I am readapting to that lifestyle - only now I have these horrible and alternately tempting memories of her. I have never had a woman treat me this badly before in my life.

 

Rio, thanks for responding - I hoped you would. I am encouraged by your perception of my recovery -- though honestly, it sure doesn't feel like I am much better at all. Certainly the initial shock is gone - but you know what - sometimes it comes back in full force, usually in a dream. Which of course, wakes me up feeling like a$$.

 

I have done an astounding amount of self-examination the past 2 months. I know what makes me tick. I know what I can accept and what I must change. I know that I am walking the correct path and doing all the right things. I guess I just haven't hit that magic point yet.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

(((((Fooled)))))

Wish I had words of advice, but you know I'm screwed up pretty bad. But you really are doing much better than you think. At the same time, don't suppress your feelings, because you think you should be "stronger". You need to work through them and resolve them before you'll be fully "moved on".

[amaysngrace]

Rio's post was good and i trust she knows where your head is at better than i could. i think you're gonna be okay in time. it's unfortunate that you two have so many common interests really, but you seem to be ready for the challenge of starting again on new avenues. even if it's hard, you still chose to go there and that says a lot about the person that you are.

 

i am sort of going thru what you are, but mine is a little different. i divorced a guy in december that treated me less than wonderful for years. i had to find myself too, but my sense of self came while i was married. i had to get strong in order to leave. i think sometimes bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people as well (ie you for her and me for him) at least you are growing from the whole experience and that's what's important. i stopped listening to music too, for a little bit. but in time, you will probably not feel so jealous for the guys she's with but sorry for them. she's not likely to change...most don't. so don't fool yourself into thinking she's treating anybody better than she treated you. if she lacks self-respect, how could she respect anyone? how can she care for another if she doesn't even care for herself?

 

sometimes you just have to believe you were meant to meet at the precise time you met, for whatever reason that may be. maybe to show you what you want in someone, or more likely, what to avoid. the good qualities you saw in her could possibly be just what she picked off of you to mirror, you know? it's a common occurence for some with mental problems. i know mine did and had me thinking he was a sociopath as well...as it is, what he has is much worse. but you don't need to have anybody devalue you the way she has. and she certainly doesn't need to be taking up all your thoughts, she hasn't earned the right. you just keep concentrating on yourself and everything is gonna work out fine.

 

i hope the new day brings new light!!

[riobikini]

RE:

"i stopped listening to music too, for a little bit."

 

Oh, Amaysngrace, -please do not ever stop listening to music(!) -just switch to something different.

 

This is your chance to explore all the genres of music you never thought you'd like (maybe thought you actually hated).

 

And one of the really super-cool things about 'trying-on' all these different kinds of music is, that it has a very direct effect on your emotional status, -immediately- and can turn some of those sad, dark moments alone into something more uplifting and energizing.

 

It becomes a kind of surrogate.

 

For instance: we've all had the experience of being in the car alone, driving home from work or to wherever, and just 'happened' upon the most exhilarating tune, which we couldn't help but turn up a bit louder, and found ourselves really getting into it, and actually hating to see it end.

 

We found our heart pumping a little faster, our bodies responding to the beat, and -hey, we might have even been singing(!) (Smile) -imagine that!

 

Music can serve as a way to distract our sad, melancholy moods from taking over, -if we choose the right music, i.e. no sad songs, no love songs, no familiar tunes that were 'your' song with the ex.

 

So don't just stop listening to music, -just take it up as a hobby and become an avid 'researcher' of new (to you) music on tap.

 

It really does help.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

RE:

 

Fooled: "...I cannot escape completely. It's the rebuilding from the ground floor up that's terribly taxing. And I feel lost sometimes. I was alone for 5 years before I met her - and slowly I am readapting to that lifestyle.."

 

Fooled, you will not be rebuilding the lifestyle, -nor the man that you were previous to meeting her during that five years.

 

You have left that far behind.

 

What you are building with is the bricks of a much more in-depth experience that has changed you into a far better human.

 

Some of the basic structure remains, and is useful.

 

Picture a gutted, devastated building after an earthquake: if it is to be rebuilt, it is goes through an examination to see if the foundation is still intact.

 

If it is, and the rebuilding begins, you will never expect to see the outcome, from the inside out, exactly the way it was before.

 

Many changes to improve it will be incorporated into the new design, many stronger materials will be used for the rebuild, -just in case this type of disaster ever happens again, and to insure less damage.

 

And that's what's happening to you: you are rebuilding all of you.

 

You will make an examination for what's worth keeping, and choose to only keep the very best, -and you will take what you have learned from this experience and build a new man.

 

One who is stronger, wiser, -certainly more compassionate and empathetic-and all built to withstand life's most devastating storms.

 

-Rio

[amaysngrace]

hi Rio. thanks for the wisdom i do listen to lots of different music but mostly all i listen to is stupid jesse mccartney cd cuz the car wash broke my antenna! it's my daughter's cd (a present from santa) i have so many cds but because i left and moved a lot (4 houses in 5 months!!) i've yet to get them out of the storage box in the shed! i'm a major procrastinator...i have the cds in my shed and a new antenna in my trunk....maybe if i boot myself off of LS for a while, i'd actually be able to listen to something other than my 7 year old's heart throb!! well.....maybe tomorrow

[riobikini]

amaysngrace,

 

(Laughing)

 

Now I know why your screen nick is a play on 'Amazing'.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio