Apathetic Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 My ex recently broke up w/ me because "im too quiet" & not outgoing like himself.He is loud & obnoxious & I am too quiet & basically stay to myself.He says that I need to change myself & be more talkative & social.He also said that if I do change myself that he "will like me better"... Now am I wrong for being upset? He's basically telling me to be someone else.I am shy & quiet & that is who I am.Should I try to change myself? Is he wrong for telling me to be different than how I normally am.Am I wrong for being mad?
agnf666 Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 It is not wrong to be upset... You shouldn't try to change yourself for anyone... You are just not his type... No one can really change... I'm a very shy person and when I with a group of people I don't know I will not talk. Maybe you can tell him you can work on it... that is about the best you can do... How long were you dating??
Author Apathetic Posted March 11, 2006 Author Posted March 11, 2006 Been talking for 6 months & have been in a relationship for only 3 months.
agnf666 Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 So you dated for 3 months... basically that is the intial time to either figure out if you are going to be in this relationship for the long haul or bail. In which, he bailed because you aren't exactly his type... If I were you I wouldn't change... That is somethign you shouldn't have to do... but lets see if anyone else has any other ideas for you...
tikigods Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 I agree, its wrong for someone else to expect you to change for them. There will be a guy that will like you for who you are, so forget the ex and go find him
Shyguy86 Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 What right does he have to tell you how to act? I'm quiet and shy myself, whenever I go out with a group of friends I rarely talk. I usually just sit back and enjoy the scenery. If someone told me how to act I wouldn't even be able to take them seriously. I am who I am, and you are who you are!
agnf666 Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 What right does he have to tell you how to act? I'm quiet and shy myself, whenever I go out with a group of friends I rarely talk. I usually just sit back and enjoy the scenery. If someone told me how to act I wouldn't even be able to take them seriously. I am who I am, and you are who you are! Good Post... Understand exactly were you are coming from... I totall ylike to sit back and enjoy the scenery and rarely talk as well...
Author Apathetic Posted March 12, 2006 Author Posted March 12, 2006 Yeah I know what youre saying but its hard.I love this guy so its not easy to just walk away & find someone who likes me for me..
littlepiggy1 Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 Yes, he's wrong for telling you to change. I'm also fairly quiet and shy. Some people are introverts. Some are extroverts. It's the way we are wired and it's not something that can just be switched on or off. Be who you are, not who someone tells you to be.
MadDog Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 He's wrong on two counts. First, like everyone said, making people change is a cardinal sin. Second, I think the perfect match for someone loud and obnoxious like your ex is someone who's more reserved. Can you imagine how annoying a couple consisting of 2 loud and obnoxious people would be? There'd be a bounty on your heads and the whole town would be gunning for you. MD
Guest Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 I Really Like This Guy And Now He Is Jail For Something Stupid Andhe Said I Hurt Him But Then Again He Did He Had Sex With Other Girl And I Had Sex With His Ungle And He Said It Shouldnt Matter To Me Cause I Didnt Know Them But It Matters Cause That Was His Uncle Should I Move On? Hes In Jail For Two Counts Of Rape.. Confused .......... Got To Go
Author Apathetic Posted March 12, 2006 Author Posted March 12, 2006 No,I cant imagine that MD lol..Its just hard because there are feelings involved & it isnt easy to just walk away:(
Author Apathetic Posted March 13, 2006 Author Posted March 13, 2006 I Really Like This Guy And Now He Is Jail For Something Stupid Andhe Said I Hurt Him But Then Again He Did He Had Sex With Other Girl And I Had Sex With His Ungle And He Said It Shouldnt Matter To Me Cause I Didnt Know Them But It Matters Cause That Was His Uncle Should I Move On? Hes In Jail For Two Counts Of Rape.. Confused .......... Got To Go Umm,what does this have to do w/ my post? lol..
blueskyeyes Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 We are all perfectly imperfect! I think we all worry too much at times that there is some deep character flaw we need to fix and don't stop and just love ourselves for the quirky, unique, beautiful being we all are. If you change for anyone you will loose yourself and resent yourself for doing it. Yeah sometimes we need for behavior adjustments but all in all most people are fine just the way they are. Find someone who likes you for who you are and like yourself for who you are for if you don't like yourself why should anyone else? -Blue
kitten chick Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 Why would you want to be loud and obnoxious? He sounds a bit egocentric to believe that his personality style is right and yours is wrong. I'm thinking you probably dodged a bullet but I can understand why it's hard to walk away. Any time there are feelings involved it's hard to walk away. With the next guy, try not to get wrapped up in your feelings before you get to know what he's really like. oh and to the Guest, I think you should stick with this jailbird. You two sound right for each other.
Author Apathetic Posted March 13, 2006 Author Posted March 13, 2006 Well this is exactly what he said to me "The biggest problem I have is youre too quiet,it doesnt fit into my lifestyle.Im a very loud person,I like to be the loudest,I like to yell,I like to scream.I like to enjoy myself.I like to talk,like to laugh like a maniac..you are just "blah"..Thats why I tell you to be different,I hate quietness it makes me want to shoot myself..Youre likeable but just too quiet" Thats some of what he has said to me recently
In Sync Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 My ex recently broke up w/ me because "im too quiet" & not outgoing like himself.He is loud & obnoxious & I am too quiet & basically stay to myself.He says that I need to change myself & be more talkative & social.He also said that if I do change myself that he "will like me better"... Now am I wrong for being upset? He's basically telling me to be someone else.I am shy & quiet & that is who I am.Should I try to change myself? Is he wrong for telling me to be different than how I normally am.Am I wrong for being mad? This is all about words...you are putting to much emphasis and value into his words. Look it goes without saying that you should never change yourself because of the dislikes or likes of our partners..easier said than done in most cases. Becasue naturally when we are in love we want to please our partners and their judgement ments alot. The trick and it has to be mastered like a ninja, is to block all of the words out. Because words carry weight and our psyche cannot but help be effected. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR HEART IS INVOLVED. The reason his words are actually pointless is because he's insecure and by saying this critique he knows he'll make you feel self-conscious. Then it becomes a control thing, where if he praises you you'll feel he loves you. Uh huh. It's manipulation and a mind game. By making you feel unsure and dependent on his "WORDS" you become a tool to exercise his own insecurities. The less he makes you feel about yourself the more he feels secure. PERIOD. It's insidious..and poisonous. No matter how you look at it..this guy does not love you. You are the same beautiful person he met you prior before his opinions (And no matter how sweet he says it it's still foul of him) so why do you need to change?
In Sync Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 P.S. The more I read about this guy..he sounds dangerous to your spirit. Stay away from him..seriously.
kitten chick Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 I stand corrected. I'm no longer thinking you probably dodged a bullet, I'm positive that you dodged a bullet. What an egocentric dipwad! What he said was just plain mean and shows he has very little maturity. If what he said makes you feel bad about yourself, and it shoudn't, turn it around. From you to him (and please do not actually say this to him), "You're likeable and all but it's so embarassing when everyone stares at you because you're acting like a monkey screaming and jumping around. I like people to be fun and have lots of enjoyable laughter without acting like Animal House extras. The looks my friends give me when you're acting like a baboon make me want to shoot myself."
Guest Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 Well said KC! This guy sounds like an obnoxious circus freak. And a shallow one at that...He is not even worth your thoughts or energy (including typing) You are fabulous and deserve someone just the same!
Author Apathetic Posted March 13, 2006 Author Posted March 13, 2006 Insync:What makes you think he is insecure? And what purpose does it serve to make me feel unloved & insecure..I know I shouldnt let his words effect me but they do,very much so..Its just a ridiculously difficult situation Kitten:I know he is immature but I also can understand that he isnt 100% wrong for asking me to be more talkative.And I wish I could say that to him but everytime I try to say something mean or if I try to him f--- off, I cant.I dont have it in me to treat him the way he is treating me
zarathustra Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 Insync:What makes you think he is insecure? And what purpose does it serve to make me feel unloved & insecure..I know I shouldnt let his words effect me but they do,very much so..Its just a ridiculously difficult situation Kitten:I know he is immature but I also can understand that he isnt 100% wrong for asking me to be more talkative.And I wish I could say that to him but everytime I try to say something mean or if I try to him f--- off, I cant.I dont have it in me to treat him the way he is treating me I am personally a loud and opinionated woman. I was with a loud and opinionated man who was very similar to me. It was easier in the sense that he understood me and understood how to deal with me. But there wasn't a balance in our relationship. I do miss him in the sense that sometimes I don't have to speak and he knows what I'm feeling. I miss that he knows how to draw me to talk. However, I think life is about balance and with someone like me, I think I'm better off with someone who is a bit more soft spoken and can balance me when I get too loud. Anyway, I think that you are justified in how you feel. I think that if he wants to be with someone who is more like him, that's up to him to decide, but I don't think that he should say what he said to you as its just plain hurtful and unnecessary.
Author Apathetic Posted March 13, 2006 Author Posted March 13, 2006 Thanks for replying..I know it seems he is shallow but like I said I can understand him wanting me to be more outgoing,he just didnt have to say it in such a mean way.As for him not being worth my thoughts or energy,easier said than done..I love him & its hard to just push him aside & walk away,even though I know I should. I keep going back & forth on what to do.It seems that I am just not strong enough to do what I am suppose to do.
Author Apathetic Posted March 13, 2006 Author Posted March 13, 2006 Oh and another thing..He wants to be friends & see how things go & what happens happen & will happen for a reason.Since saying less than a week ago we have seen eachother once & that was 4 days ago.Acted as if we were BF & GF,fooled around some & I know we would have had sex if I didnt have my period...Now I assume nothing positive will come out of just being "friends",or maybe something will,who knows.But I am torn on keeping him in my life as friends or just walking away for good.I dont know why I am so willing to keep him around when he has hurt me like this.
In Sync Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 Insync:What makes you think he is insecure? And what purpose does it serve to make me feel unloved & insecure..I know I shouldnt let his words effect me but they do,very much so..Its just a ridiculously difficult situation Kitten:I know he is immature but I also can understand that he isnt 100% wrong for asking me to be more talkative.And I wish I could say that to him but everytime I try to say something mean or if I try to him f--- off, I cant.I dont have it in me to treat him the way he is treating me He is insecure. Anyone and I mean anyone, who tries to convince you, that they want you to better has issues. They are projecting an image that they deem to be ideal onto you. His wanting you to change on the surface seems like he cares but it's not. It serves his purpose to make you feel less about yourself so that you continue to LOOK UP to him for his validation, his opinion. I warn you, this invisible possible will eat at your self esteem. It will erode it, because you eventually become dependent on his word, aka..his approval. He wants to have a worshipper someone who looks up to him...that's your purpose. AND inorder for you to look up to him you need to think yourself less than you are. Unworthy of his company and ergo grateful that he wants to spend time with you. Lose this guy. I can detect in your post hestitation and doubt..you know something is wrong but you hate to think that the same guy you love is dissatified with you. There is nothing wrong with you. He's planting a seed of doubt in your head about that! If he is treating you in anyway you think is unpleasant THIS IS NOT LOVE.
Recommended Posts