alwayslate Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 OK here goes. I have been married for 19 years have two kids, a house a dog the whole works. Then I met this woman at work and everything has changed for me forever. She has been married for 19 years has a seemingly perfect life no kids. We started as friends emailing and talking on the phone at work. That went on for about 6 months and then a year ago last December that all changed. From that point on we started a physical love affair that has been amazing. But more than the sex we click in every way possible to the point we consider each other our soulmates. During the past year we have reached the point of leaving our spouses a couple of different times to be together. What ended up happening is that she decides (even after telling her spouse) that she cant leave him because "she doesnt want to destroy his life just to be with someone she loves more" So she stays. Over time our affair goes in cycles. There are periods of passion beyond description and then she gets a case of guilt to the point she can even tell me she loves me. She was staying in my area a couple of weeks ago and I visited her several times and we had the best time imaginable. We talked, we made love, we laughed I cant tell you how happy I was. After she went home I could tell she was on the downward guilt slope away from me. Finally I told her that the physical part of our relationship had to stop (though I dont want it to) because I couldnt take the roller coaster anymore. Well we still see each other almost everyday at work, we email probably 50+ times a day and she calls me at least twice a day. In fact she was on business last week overnight and called me at least 4 times "just to say hi". She also brings me food to work she cuts out articles from the paper and magazines to read at least once a weel. I just got a voice mail from her less than an hour ago which prompted me to post this. So all of this is going on but she wont tell me that she loves me anymore and the physical contact has stopped. I am not pursuing her but I dont really know where her head is at any given moment. She tells me she doesnt love her husband, that they hardly ever have sex and when they do she hates it. She hates going out with him because they dont talk or communicate. She doest like going away with him because she is very uncomfortable with him. With all of that she stays with him and tells me that she has to try and make her marriage work. I have respected that and tried to giver her space. Over the past week she continues to call and email and clip articles and bring me food etc, etc. Everything but the emotional mushy talk and the best sex we both have ever had. I know I should cut off all contact with her but I am curious about what she could be thinking and where her head is at. I was hoping after telling you all my story you might be able to shed some light on the subject. Thanks
Walking away Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 OK here goes. I have been married for 19 years have two kids, a house a dog the whole works. Then I met this woman at work and everything has changed for me forever. She has been married for 19 years has a seemingly perfect life no kids. We started as friends emailing and talking on the phone at work. That went on for about 6 months and then a year ago last December that all changed. From that point on we started a physical love affair that has been amazing. But more than the sex we click in every way possible to the point we consider each other our soulmates. During the past year we have reached the point of leaving our spouses a couple of different times to be together. What ended up happening is that she decides (even after telling her spouse) that she cant leave him because "she doesnt want to destroy his life just to be with someone she loves more" So she stays. Over time our affair goes in cycles. There are periods of passion beyond description and then she gets a case of guilt to the point she can even tell me she loves me. She was staying in my area a couple of weeks ago and I visited her several times and we had the best time imaginable. We talked, we made love, we laughed I cant tell you how happy I was. After she went home I could tell she was on the downward guilt slope away from me. Finally I told her that the physical part of our relationship had to stop (though I dont want it to) because I couldnt take the roller coaster anymore. Well we still see each other almost everyday at work, we email probably 50+ times a day and she calls me at least twice a day. In fact she was on business last week overnight and called me at least 4 times "just to say hi". She also brings me food to work she cuts out articles from the paper and magazines to read at least once a weel. I just got a voice mail from her less than an hour ago which prompted me to post this. So all of this is going on but she wont tell me that she loves me anymore and the physical contact has stopped. I am not pursuing her but I dont really know where her head is at any given moment. She tells me she doesnt love her husband, that they hardly ever have sex and when they do she hates it. She hates going out with him because they dont talk or communicate. She doest like going away with him because she is very uncomfortable with him. With all of that she stays with him and tells me that she has to try and make her marriage work. I have respected that and tried to giver her space. Over the past week she continues to call and email and clip articles and bring me food etc, etc. Everything but the emotional mushy talk and the best sex we both have ever had. I know I should cut off all contact with her but I am curious about what she could be thinking and where her head is at. I was hoping after telling you all my story you might be able to shed some light on the subject. Thanks I don't know what to say. She sounds like my MM....before we split up.
lovernotafighter Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 are you still married yourself? this could be part of the reason. I'm MW with a MM and I think my MM sounds like you in regaurds. he brings up getting a divorce often and I always say we should work on our marrages..he always thinks of his son and how hard it would be on him. and that is part of my reasoning...I get less mushy and have asked him to not talk about divorce for his kid..I don't have any children. also for me I am closer to a divorce than him (he isn't aware ) and I wonder to myself if I told MM I wanted him to divorce his wife how would he really take it...and if he told me would he do the same would he really or leave me hanging like I've seen over and over on these boards...it's easier for me not to discuss these things with him rather than set myself up for more heart break...which is where we are headed anyway. I don't know if that makes sense...but your situation sounds very much like my own.
Author alwayslate Posted March 11, 2006 Author Posted March 11, 2006 Yea I have often thought that the reason she wont leave her spouse is because I am still married. Maybe she figures that if she leaves and I stay she's screwed. Anyway what I am trying to figure out is why my OW still wants this seemingly platonic relationship with me at the same time she claims she wants to work so hard on fixing her marriage. Sometimes I wonder if she feels like she was sucked into this affair with me and now she is trying to extract herself from my clutches. I just dont know. All I know is that she wants to spend time with me going to museums and different places, she calls me she does all kinds of stuff but she cant bring herslef to tell me that she loves me or that she wants me or anything even remotely mushy. I need help!
scarletletter Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 That story sounds like so many in here. Nineteen years is a long time and I am sure that it is difficult to break the ties. Not only are you leaving your spouse but also an extended family. Maybe she is scared to do this and just hasn't had the nerve to make it happen. I know that if I had a chance like hers and I felt the way that you say you both do...I wouldn't have to think twice about leaving. I guess everyone is different, it sounds like you need to have the conversation about "him or me"..as bad as that sounds. If you really want her and she really wants you, it shouldn't be such a hard decision.
Author alwayslate Posted March 11, 2006 Author Posted March 11, 2006 Thanks so much for your response. I was wondering what you thought about her wanting to maintian a relationship with me although plantonic. Whats that all about. Any ideas???
scarletletter Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 To me it sounds a little strange. I know that I couldn't possibly do that. It will be very hard to stay platonic with all of the temptations around and then you are just going to end up in the same place.
Author alwayslate Posted March 11, 2006 Author Posted March 11, 2006 I totally agree. I mean she calls all the time. I saw here yesterday and it was so awkward not kissing or touching. we did hold hands and but nothing more. I mean we have this connection. It is a once in a life time love. She calls me her soulmate. She told me yesterday that If we were married and one of us were to die the other one would go within a very short time. Now is that the statement made by someone who doesnt care or doesnt want a relationship???
scarletletter Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 It really does sound like she is just scared of leaving her life as she knows it. Some people just need that extra push. If she doesn't love her husband anymore, this should be a no-brainer for her. I never push the mm that I am seeing to leave, but if he told me that he was leaving his wife for me, I would be doing cartwheels all the way to the lawyers office. I am also married but it is a totally loveless marriage...only there for the kids...makes life miserable. Life is too short to be unhappy.
Author alwayslate Posted March 11, 2006 Author Posted March 11, 2006 Totally. I know she loves me and I know she wants to be with me. She told me earlier in the week that she cant imagine wanting anyone more than she wants me but she just wont open up and give herself to me. I just dont know why. Now it looks like we are over and its killing me because we seem so meant to be
Chump64 Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 She either loves her husband or she loves his money / the comfort he provides. She wants both of you. Pretty simple, IMO. Is your wife aware of the situation? How do you get anything done if you you're reading 50 lovey dovey emails a day?
Author alwayslate Posted March 11, 2006 Author Posted March 11, 2006 Thanks for the response. She says there is love and respect in her marriage. She has also said that there is no passion and no real connection between her and her husband. Now if thats true then why our relationship? I am just so confused to the point I dont want to deal with it anymore. Its just not worth it. If she calls I will talk with her but I am not going out of my way to pursue her. The 50 emails are not lovey dovey and are generally two lines or less in length so they dont take much time.
portableversion Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 sounds like she just likes to hang out with you. She has all the benefits of a intimate relationship, such as hanging out, emails, going to museums etc, without the messiness of sex and emotional entanglement. Her husband probably doesn't have the same interests as her, and so you fit the bill. I mean, if you two can be friends, why not? Sounds like you have a good thing going on right now. Don't muck it up with sex and emotional drama.
Author alwayslate Posted March 12, 2006 Author Posted March 12, 2006 The problem is that I love her and I think she loves me. Why she wants to stay with her husband I dont know. Its Sunday morning and she has already called again. As soon as her husband leaves for work she calls and leaves me a message. I have tried to talk with her about this but she wont open up. She just says she has to try with her husband. I need help!
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 She wants to have her cake and eat it too, that is why she is staying with her husband. She wants you to fulfill certain needs that her husband can't or won't. They have a life together, a history. A house, vows, friends, family, money and security together. Why the heck would she give all that up??? Ofcourse she is enjoying you and all the good feelings you bring into her life, it's exciting and new!! You don't get the bad crap in life - Just the sex, crushy intense feelings. You don't get to deal with daily life, the good,bad and ugly. You each are providing something for eachother. It isn't real love, it's an intense connection that is being mistaken for long term love. THAT is why neither of you are ever going to leave your spouses...Think about it. Take a step back and see the whole picture. See how she fills your needs and you fill hers. Now, I'm betting you can't picture your life without your wife and kids, but at the same time, you can't picture your life now without the OW either. Sooner or later you ARE going to have to make a choice. Why not tell your wife about the OW? If you are considering leaving your family for this woman, then DO it now. The longer you take, the worse it will be for you. If you don't plan on leaving your wife and children - Then END it with the OW. She needs to focus on her marriage, just like you need to as well. What is the point of keeping two women? I'm sorry to sound abit harsh but what you're doing IS going to blow up eventually and SO MANY innocent people are going to be hurt.
Author alwayslate Posted March 12, 2006 Author Posted March 12, 2006 So why should I leave my family if she wont leave her husband? She herself told me that I left my wife that it would be really hard for her. I'm not sure what that means but looking back on it now I wonder if one of the reasons she wouldnt leave her husband is because it did not appear as though I was making progress towards leaving my wife.
theantibarbie23 Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 So why should I leave my family if she wont leave her husband? Maybe because a wife isn't just someone you use out of convience and security until you find a better deal. Seriously, if you don't love or want your wife, let her find someone who will.
Author alwayslate Posted March 13, 2006 Author Posted March 13, 2006 Which is what my OW is doing with her husband even in the face of a better deal. She wont leave for what she has called a better deal. Is that because she really doesnt believe that i am a better deal after all???
theantibarbie23 Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 Which is what my OW is doing with her husband even in the face of a better deal. She wont leave for what she has called a better deal. Is that because she really doesnt believe that i am a better deal after all??? There could be lots of reasons. Fifteen years of marriage would be very hard for some people to walk away from, even if they don't feel that all thier needs are being met. After that length of time she may have a strong bond with her husband that she's not willing to let go of. In any case, she's at least not jerking you around about what she wants. She's letting it be known that she is not leaving her husband for you. The reasons behind why she has come to this decision aren't nearly as important as figuring out what you want to do from here on in. You can try and fortify the marriage you already have by dealing with the issues that caused you to stray in the first place or you can strike out on your own and look for a new mate that you feel you'd be more compatable with. Affairs are often dead ends that cause much more pain then they were worth. Even the ones that do go on to get married have a dismal survival rate.
onlyhuman Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 Okay I read everything. Your both married. All the usual excuse for an affair come out, same ones used for centuries. So the two other unsuspecting spouses here who are getting cheating on are just colateral damage to the both of your whims. Both of you are cheats!If you had any yarbles you would at least leave your wife and give her a chance to have a real life with someone who loves and treats her right. Its really strange your situation, like no one else married has had problems, its just that you choose to cheat. I'm on the other side on this but I think you should get opinions from both angles.Get a divorce and do things right.
catgirl1927 Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 The thing is, you know this woman is lying every minute of every day to someone she claims to "love and respect". How do you know anything she says to you is true?
Author alwayslate Posted March 13, 2006 Author Posted March 13, 2006 I think I have decided that you're right and I need to cut all contact with her including work if its possible. I have a great job and I would prefer not to quit but I will if I have to. I think the OW is trying to have her cake and eat it too and I am so tired of it. She continues to call me and email me like I am her coworker buddy although last night she was at the beach telling me how nice the sunset was. I am so done with all of it she can go to hell for all I care.
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