Compulsive Lying...

[Back To Front]

Hi. I'm the guy in the relationship. Extremely forgetful with huge self esteem. My girlfriend remembers everything. Everything. But she lacks confidence and has low self esteem. I've basically spent the last two years trying to build up that self esteem so that she can be more happy and see herself achieving her goals, but a couple of times now I have also dealt her self esteem massive blows. I'll give you some background...

 

From when I first met her I know she was shy and lacked confidence, but I actually found this kind of attractive. The only trouble is this made her easily offended and when we inevitably fell in love and every time I said something without thinking, or forgot to call her, or was basically involved in some kind of situation she might not like she'd get really angry. The worst was when she was drunk and she'd say all kinds of horrible things to me just because I forgot to call her or something like that.

 

Because of this, to help save her feelings (and, being honest, to save me the ear-ache and stress), I started lying. Small lies at first, like I got a call during my lunch break at work so that's why I didn't call her when really I just plain forgot. There were also times when she'd get pissed off because I'd been out drinking with friends, some of them girls, and on one occasion she got really pissed off and we had a screaming row because I'd been dancing with a girl friend. Not dirty dancing, but silly party dancing.

 

Anyway, I'm ranting. All this backlash I got from these totally innocent things just made me cover up similar instances with certain omissions, and very quickly telling lies like this became the norm for me. I even stopped feeling too guilty about it.

 

Now, let me clarify that I have never, ever cheated on her. Never slept with nor kissed anyone else, or given any impressions that I would do. But recently my girlfriend found out about something I'd been keeping from her. I don't feel comfortable going into details, but this is something we'd almost broken up over before, and I'd promised her that she'd never have to face this again. But, of course, I was lying and she found out again. But rather than just come clean and admit the whole truth, I kept trying to withold pieces to try and retain some kind of, I dunno, honor? Thing is, she kept seeing through these panicky cover up lies for what they were, and that only made things worse.

 

Now I feel this horrific churning in the pit of my stomach which I know is guilt - the same feeling I felt last time. I know that we're almost back to where we were the last time this happened, but as this is the second time I know it's going to be even harder to regain that trust.

 

Have I come to far now to change my behaviour? It's almost as though I've divided myself into two people; one carefully edited guy to be around her - and the whole, uncensored me when she's not there. It's like I've withheld this whole part of my personality from her, something that's only just dawned on me, and I really don't like that I've turned myself into this.

 

I don't lie like this to anyone else. Can anyone figure this out because I don't know what the hell's going on.

 

Thanks for reading.

[daphne]

I'm guessing it was porn. Sorry, couldn't help it.

 

It sounds like you're in a pretty unhealthy relationship. She's extremely insecure and needs to work on it, and your reaction is just plain unhealthy. Other than counseling and communicating these things, I don't think you guys have a chance to work this out. I'm not saying you're clean in all of this, but she has to start realizing how her behaviors affect the relationship too.

 

It's never too late to change your behavior but it requires a lot of work. I don't think this is work you need to do alone though and unless she's committed to getting counseling and working on it together, you may just want to take your chances with someone else. That they won't give you a hard time about every little thing until you feel that the only way to get along is to tell her what she wants to hear.

 

Good luck

[Back To Front]

I do feel like we at least need to take some time apart to sort ourselves out, before we can make a proper go at "us". When we've had a big bust up before I've suggested taking a break, but I'm not allowed that option. She says she need to know right there and then whether or not it's over, so I've always just carried on as normal as possible. She'll say the same this time, I'm sure, I'm just afraid I might end up calling her on it.

 

We've know each other for ages now, and she's one of the best friends I've ever had. I've broken up with girls before an suggested that we stay friends, but that's never happened, and frankly I've never cared. But this is different. We're so invested in each other's lives that it would be an unimaginable horror to never see or speak to each other again. At this point though, I'm not sure if I can stay in our current relationship and it's ripping me apart.

[helena abadi]

firstly, the truth almost always comes back to haunt you. i'm glad to read that your conscience has got the better of you, and it appears you want to change your behaviour.

 

it is almost impossible to maintain a carefully edited life, and try to appear as though you have integrity in a relationship. there is no real trust. in supposedly close relationships, we need to feel safe about disclosing who we really are. too much compartmentalising reduces any real chance of intimacy.

 

editing your life is also controlling, a power play. building up her self-esteem is also controlling. she needs the tools to do that herself, not depending on another person to do that for her. by playing her rescuer, you have put yourself in a position of power over her, yet your lying behaviour suggests you are kicking her ass, more power play, and she feels like more of a victim than ever. but it appears she has the strength to stand her ground and say enough is enough.

 

would you see a therapist, or consider couples counselling?