Back To Front Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 Hi. I'm the guy in the relationship. Extremely forgetful with huge self esteem. My girlfriend remembers everything. Everything. But she lacks confidence and has low self esteem (great pairing, huh?). I've basically spent the last two years trying to build up that self esteem so that she can be more happy and see herself achieving her goals, but a couple of times now I have also dealt her self esteem massive blows. I'll give you some background... From when I first met her I know she was shy and lacked confidence, but I actually found this kind of attractive. The only trouble is this made her easily offended and when we inevitably fell in love and time I said something without thinking, or forgot to call her, or was basically involved in some kind of situation she might not like she'd get really angry. The worst was when she was drunk and she'd say all kinds of horrible things to me just because I forgot to call her or something like that. Because of this, to help save her feelings (and, being honest, to save me the ear-ache and stress), I started lying. Small lies at first, like I got a call during my lunch break at work so that's why I didn't call her when really I just plain forgot. There were also times when she'd get pissed off because I'd been out drinking with friends, some of them girls, and on one occasion she got really pissed off and we had a screaming row because I'd been dancing with a girl friend. Not dirty dancing, but silly party dancing. Anyway, I'm ranting. All this backlash I got from these totally innocent things just made me cover up similar instances with certain omissions, and very quickly telling lies like this became the norm for me. I even stopped feeling too guilty about it. Now, let me clarify that I have never, ever cheated on her. Never slept with nor kissed anyone else, or given any impressions that I would do. But recently my girlfriend found out about something I'd been keeping from her. I don't feel comfortable going into details, but this is something we'd almost broken up over before, and I'd promised her that she'd never have to face this again. But, of course, I was lying and she found out again. But rather than just come clean and admit the whole truth, I kept trying to withold pieces to try and retain some kind of, I dunno, honor? Thing is, she kept seeing through these panicky cover up lies for what they were, and that only made things worse. Now I feel this horrific churning in the pit of my stomach which I know is guilt - the same feeling I felt last time. I know that we're almost back to where we were the last time this happened, but as this is the second time I know it's going to be even harder to regain that trust. Have I come to far now to change my behaviour? It's almost as though I've divided myself into two people; one carefully edited guy to be around her - and the whole, uncensored me when she's not there. It's like I've withheld this whole part of my personality from her, something that's only just dawned on me, and I really don't like that I've turned myself into this. I don't lie like this to anyone else. Can anyone figure this out because I don't know what the hell's going on. Thanks for reading.
amaysngrace Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 hmmm....well, for starters....you cannot build ones self-esteem, this comes from within. you can tell her a hundred great things you love about her but if she feels like she's crap inside, crap she'll be. you should feel guilty to lie to her (or anyone) because dishonesty is not a nice quality to possess. i think you owe her (and yourself) the truth. and let her decide how to feel about knowing what's real. any lie, no matter how big or small, you should come clean on. once you have a clean slate, you may feel you'd like to keep it like that. a clean conscience feels good. if there is not too much damage done in this relationship, and she feels like she wants to stay with you as well, maybe you two can go for couple's counseling. but the very first step in all of this is yours. good luck!
Becoming Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 ARe you lying in order to spare her feelings, not face the ramifications of your actions, both, or what? What is the fear that leads to your lying? Is that a rational fear? Love cannot grow where there is fear. She is responsible for her feelings, not you. So let her be. You are responsible for you and your feelings and actions. And you haven't been acting responsibly (i.e. lying), which is why you feel guilty. You're gonna have to come clean with yourself first and then with her. If you can't be honest, you really don't have a deep relationship as much as a fantasy of how you want things to be . . . but aren't really.
Mary3 Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 She was insecure. She freaked out with the things you did. So you got tired of the drill...the 3rd degree of questioning so you started lying to make it easier for you to live the life you wanted. Thats the key : LIVE the LIFE you WANT. You cannot do that with her because she is INSECURE. You know what to do to get your life back. .... I dont condone lying and you shouldn't have to lie but you did so to spare her feelings. She needs help. You need your freedom.
whats wrong with me Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 I'm geting it now....mary3 is right she needs help. If you have deep feelings for this girl both of you go see a shrink and see what you guys can do to fix this. I'm like that (telling lies) I will lie about going to buy a pack of smokes because my H will either grill me..."who did you see? what did you do" or scold me "your smoking to much? how many packs is that?" etc. So I dont even tell him I went to the station...which. leads to more lies if he notices the car is moved. On the other hand I'm like your gf...always thinking my guy has done something wrong.It a vicious cycle! if you can get her help.
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