sadfish Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 Sorry, it's long... My ex and i are trying to be friends, have been "trying" ever since the break up about 9 months ago. I realise that i do still have some feelings for him, but they aren't as strong as before. I have been getting out there and dating people since about a month after the break up, but i can't seem to make a connection with anyone--no one is as interesting or challenging as my ex. He's definitely moved on and has been with his gf since about 2 weeks after we broke up (ouch...some people might remember some of my other posts last summer), and honestly, we've had some difficulties (all on my part) with maintaining the friendship. The main reason is because i can't let go of him saying that we were not right for each other at all, we are "100% different" but those are his words, although we were together for 4 months, and 3 seemed quite fine, yet he wants to keep me as a friend. I don't get that really, but here's where it gets tricky... I've only seen him about 3 times since the break up, and this last time, we slept together. I don't regret it for a second, and he came over here certainly knowing that it could happen, and well, obviously something did. And it seemed so natural, like we were never apart, he even kept saying how relaxed and comfortable he felt. To cut to the chase, next day, he tells me he feels guilty...where as i don't...AT ALL. He said he'd deal with it on his end, but wanted to make sure i was ok with everything...i was fine, and i told him so. So today, we're talking and the topic goes to it reluctantly, and it just got ugly. He's gone back to acting like it never happened, all is wonderful with his gf (she doesn't know, of course), even told me how he spent the evening before with his gf and her kids...and i got all bent out of shape because he's just playing it off like it never happened. I guess i'm not fine with it...lol. So basically we had this big fight about it, and i said some pretty mean things because he won't even acknowledge that it happened. I'm not going to lie and say that i wouldn't like to get back together with him some day, but clearly, that isn't going to happen any time soon because he's got this gf (yes, that he cheated on with me--and the irony is he cheated on me with her, after telling me about a month ago that he'd never do anything to mess their relationship up). And i know what some people are going to say: "run!" "this guy is a jerk" "why would you want him back?"--believe me, i ask myself that ALL the time...but the heart wants what it wants, i know, lame excuse, you can all berate me for that later...lol. Anyway, how can i get past this and work on our friendship? I know everything happens for a reason, and while i don't feel that he'll leave her any time soon, i'd like to be friends with him because i do care about him as a friend, and one never knows what can happen in this course of life. I really don't think we got a fair chance because of some issues he had while we were together with an ex of his, and i would like to show him that he gave up too soon, that we're not as different as he thinks we are. But i am willing to focus on the FRIENDSHIP first, not a second chance at a relationship, because i feel a friendship has to come before that anyway in this case. Mind you, i'm NOT counting on a second chance, nor am i pining away for him, i'm open to dating and meeting someone else and moving past this, but his friendship IS important to me. Should i just back off and let him come to me for this friendship or should i try to make amends and act like it never happened too? Or am i just a lost cause? I'm full of contradictions, i know...lol.
Butterflying Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 A friendship in this case is impossible, right now. You need more time to get over the relationship with him before you can consider befriending him. First of all, you still love him. You want more than friendship. Therefore, you would be lying to yourself, and him if you pretended nothing ever happened. Be true to youself and him by distancing yourself. No contact will do a lot of good. Actually, reading your story reminded me alot of my own situation right now. I have an XBF who broke up with me 2 years ago. He has been dating the girl he cheated on me with all this time. A year ago, we met and had sex. He cheated on her with me. We continued contact for about 2 months after that. He promised he would break up with her and we would have a second chance. Eventually, I realized that he wasn't making any effort to leave her. So I left him. We had no contact for 10 months. Then he called me last Sunday and left a random message as though no time has passed. He just wanted to know what I was up to. I've been dating other men for the past two years. I've already had my heart broken by someone else. The 10 months of NC with my XBF really helped me get over him. Now, I have no desire to have my XBF in my life. I can't be his friend, even now, because I believe he is still dating that same girl. It would make me angry to hear that he is happy, and I'm not. And if I were happy, I still wouldn't want to be involved with him because he made me sad.
qnmc Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 Let's say it was your friend who told you this story, what advice would you give her? You were with this person for 4 months, he cheated on you with his present GF, and then cheated on her with you. Run away as fast as you can. People do not change. When you say "the heart wants what the heart wants", I know exactly how you feel. Having gotten some perspective since executing no contact, I now realize that a lot of my intense feelings for this person were more from being rejected than anything. When you go NC you're able to see this in time. Seriously, do you really want a cheater in your life? Do you really feel like you could ever trust this person? Again, I know exactly what you're going through and your bruised heart wants him back badly. But let's say he were to come back to you... odds are you would never really trust him, in fact you would probably resent him, you would always wonder when he would cheat again, and the relationship would more than likely never be the loving, trusting relationship we all search for. Sorry if this comes across as harsh, but you are so much better off without the stresses a person like this would bring to your life. "I have been getting out there and dating people since about a month after the break up, but i can't seem to make a connection with anyone--no one is as interesting or challenging as my ex. " The reason why you havent been able to connect with anyone is because your ex is still in your life. NC is the best way to go here. In time you may actually be able to be friends with this guy, but I would go at least a year of NC before I even considered it if I were you.
riobikini Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 RE: SadFish: "How can one redeem themselves with an ex?" I'm directing my answer to your original title question. Answer: With patience. And if you can't manage patience, nor stick to a plan to acheive a goal, you are out of luck with this. Reason being, is you cannot present a completely postive person to replace the completely negative person you were, overnight. It is not possible. Those kinds of changes must be made over time, with dogged determination, patience, and a first-in-line key ingredient, often forgotten about: your goal has to ultimately be more about you than changing for the ex. -Rio
Author sadfish Posted March 17, 2006 Author Posted March 17, 2006 Thank you all for your replies And i'd like to say i know that all of you are right. I have to be more patient and put MYSELF first and not worry about him or what he's doing. I just seem to have SUCH an issue with patience...lol. I've been patient for so long it seems, not with this situation, but with finding someone in general, and when i did, my patience went right out the window--i wanted it everything in a relationship and all that came with it *yesterday*, you know what i mean? It was overwhelming because i searched for so long for just one person...i went a bit nutty, and now, i'd do anything to take all that insanity back, yet i know i can't. Life lesson, most definitely.
CaliGuy Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 RE: I'm directing my answer to your original title question. Answer: With patience. And if you can't manage patience, nor stick to a plan to acheive a goal, you are out of luck with this. Reason being, is you cannot present a completely postive person to replace the completely negative person you were, overnight. It is not possible. Those kinds of changes must be made over time, with dogged determination, patience, and a first-in-line key ingredient, often forgotten about: your goal has to ultimately be more about you than changing for the ex. -Rio Beautifully put, Rio!!! Exactly. If your love is strong, then you must also be patient and willing to stick to your goal. Impatience is the enemy of change! If you truly change, it will be over a lengthy amount of time. Your ex will see the change in you if it's for real. The only change that ever works is change made for yourself and not anyone else. Again, impatience is the enemy you are fighting right now. You must be bound and determined not to let impatience override your overall long term goal.
Author sadfish Posted March 17, 2006 Author Posted March 17, 2006 I wish i could turn off every impatient thought i have, as i'm sure most of us do. I'm completely guilty of self-sabotage in things like this! LOL And what's crazy is that i am FULLY AWARE that i'm doing it! *sigh* Any suggestions for distractions or focuses--how to stay on track?
CaliGuy Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 Indulge in new hobbies, go out, spend time with friends and focus on self-improvement.
fraidycat Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 Babe- you're in denial. First off I'll agree the two of you aren't right for eachother..how do I know? Well because by the looks of it neither of you are ready for a relationship at all. He cheats on his girlfriend with his ex, You let him cheat on his girlfriend with you. As far as a friendship goes..aah don't dream it's over. I wouldn't be surprised if somehow you're hoping in the scheme of things light at the end of the tunnel sort of way that he realizes he's in love with you and he was so wrong about the breakup and he needs you back..that isn't going to happen. When you're in love with someone it's no secret that person seems so great and wonderful, and so you'll never find a guy who can challenge you or meet your needs when what you're really looking for is your ex back. You need to cut all ties with this guy, heal, do some growing up, and then one day you'll meet someone who lights you on fire..he won't be your ex but he won't NEED to be. It's called moving on. It's what happens in real life 101- get out of the nile moses for the sake of your heart, your sanity, and his girlfriend p.s- don't worry about redemption in his eyes..redeem yourself!
weez Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 i would say you definitely need more time to get over this relationship before you can consider a friendship. many years ago.. i dated a girl for a year and a half. after we broke up.. i tried to be friends.. didn't work. so i moved away.. then moved back 9 months later. tried to be friends.. didn't work again. 3 or 4 years later.. we started hanging out again.. this time.. it finally worked. during that time.. she lived either at school or out of state.. so i didn't see her very much.. and i went on with my life. you really just have to give it a LOT of time. don't worry about filling the space with someone else.. fill the space with love for yourself. i know it's hard.. especially when you feel like you had found your soulmate. just remember that there's still someone out there waiting to meet you as much as you're waiting to meet them.
Recommended Posts