clynn Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 My boyfriend (ex) and I broke up about a month ago. We were going out for a little over a year. He broke up with me, I'm heartbroken. He still contacts me and we talk on the phone and even have gone out a couple of times. Maybe not a good idea but I've gone for it nonetheless, all the contact has been on his initiation, I haven't contacted him at all. About two weeks ago I met a really great guy --- we hit it off immediately. It is very rare I meet people I like that quickly but I guess I'm lucky. He then showed up a week later at an event I was at and now he has phoned and asked me out. We even spent a fair bit of time on the phone talking. Thing is......with all this preparing to go out with a new guy it has thrown me into another great big crying session. The last two days I've been sobbing buckets!!! about the old guy. I don't understand. I really like this new guy and I know that I need to move on - or should --- I guess I still harbour some hope for a reconciliation with my exboyfriend, as he does seem confused around the breakup. And, regardless, I'm just grieving the last relationship as I'm starting a new one.
suegail Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 Well, just because you've agreed to a date doesn't mean you're obligated in any way, other than just to be there and try and enjoy the evening, and in fact it's probably good for you to get out. I guess you probably realize this is really not the time to jump into anything, feeling as you do about your ex. I would be very honest about that with this new guy. I know it may drive him away, but better that than to have him get crushed. You will get over this hurt. It's not going to happen overnight obviously, but at some point you'll feel better about things and you'll feel ready to meet and date new guys.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 Honey, it's too soon. Please don't rebound.
Becoming Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 Why are you sobbing buckets? You said it--you're grieving. You may be sobbing more because you met this new guy and your system's ratcheted up the grieving process so you can move on with what sounds potentially promising. Enjoy yourself on the new date, and I wouldn't talk much about old bf except to mention in passing you're getting over a breakup and wouldn't ordinarily be interested in going on a date this soon except that there's just something about this new guy you're intrigued by. Good luck and good grief to you.
qnmc Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 I know what you mean, C, it was the same way with me when I started going out on dates again... and I'm a dude who rarely cries. Go out or don't go out. The power is yours. I made myself go out with new people and it felt awful right up to date time. But what I found is that it was the anticipation that was causing all the problems, like somehow there'd be all these expectations of me. The actual dates were always great relative to the anticipation, and I was always glad I went out. Turns out it was me putting tons of pressure on myself. Just go out and try to have fun. Don't feel like these dates are the beginnings of a new relationship... try to see them as just dates and nothing else. No need to overanalyze.
Author clynn Posted March 11, 2006 Author Posted March 11, 2006 Thanks a lot. I will be going out on this date. In some ways I feel worse now than I did a couple weeks ago. Yes, the anticipation is likely worse. In fact, that was a problem with my relationship in general I would say. I would assume expecatations and fear would come over me. That is in my nature. If I'm lucky this guy will be very relaxed. I mean, if he isn't it won't work anyhow, I guess. I don't think it is too soon. I mean......what else would I be doing? I would stay home with a movie and sob! MIght as well try to get out and connect with someone.
fraidycat Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 There are some people who walk along in life and out of nowhere get impaled by a large object and then there are others who walk along in life and take the sidewalk where they know the large impaling object is about to strike. You my dear are taking the sidewalk... I don't know how you expect your heart to move on and heal if you keep putting yourself in the firing line with the ex guy. You might think he's just confused but he might not be as confused as you think. Remember he broke up with you- that means he does not want a relationship with you- Maybe your a good ego boost, or maybe you're excellent company but what you are not in his eyes is a relationship. You're only hurting yourself further to tell yourself any differently.I think it's a great idea to go out with this new guy- however take it slow and be honest with him. Tell him about what you've been going through however please try to save the buckets. Maybe this guy will come through as a great friend in time of need or maybe more however you've got to cut the ex out of your life. You know it.
qnmc Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 "If I'm lucky this guy will be very relaxed. I mean, if he isn't it won't work anyhow, I guess. " It's a first date, right? You may need to help him relax. What's the best way to get a guy relaxed on a date? Just laugh at his jokes.
Author clynn Posted March 11, 2006 Author Posted March 11, 2006 You might think he's just confused but he might not be as confused as you think. Remember he broke up with you- that means he does not want a relationship with you- Maybe your a good ego boost, or maybe you're excellent company but what you are not in his eyes is a relationship. You're only hurting yourself further to tell yourself any differently. Thanks so much. I think you're right. And so it is good to hear it. (you know in that good for you but hurts sort of way). I'm feeling much better after phone calls with friends and a good early spring house-cleaning ... and will be game to go tonight!
Author clynn Posted March 12, 2006 Author Posted March 12, 2006 I had a really good time. He was a full gentleman. We had interesting conversation and I sorta did one of those "oooh, he's cute" things when he came to pick me up. Kinda felt like I wanted to kiss him right off the bat to cut the tension and just get it out of the way. Of course I didn't. What was really great was that he brought up the subject of relationships by asking "So, why are you single?" and I told him that I hadn't been single long. Turns out that he hasn't either so we're in a similar situation, I think. We talked about the idea of maybe needing to be single for a while to "recharge batteries"...but then again, maybe not......? We were both open so that was good I think. Anyhow, the night ended after some really good kisses (and lovely compliments from him). So I look forward to hearing from him again.
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