Author monkey00 Posted March 14, 2006 Author Posted March 14, 2006 just venting here... having just realized that i have been used by this woman 'emotionally' i am kinda feeling bitter. makes me want to date women regardless of whether i am interested or not, use them (sex), and move on to the next. i guess being selfish is the way to live! sorry but i am feeling bad now... i know that eerie feeling. been down that road too... it's perfectly normal to feel the bitterness/resentment at this stage. you're reaching the jerk stage...but you'll pull back in due time and find common ground. But dont allow what one woman did , point your anger to all women. you shouldnt let this be about revenge. you may act a little cold when you see/talk to her, but its alright. dont make a big fuss about it, just forget she was your friend and move on. in due time you'll forget she ever existed. plenty of fish in the sea...
lindya Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 just venting here... having just realized that i have been used by this woman 'emotionally' i am kinda feeling bitter. makes me want to date women regardless of whether i am interested or not, use them (sex), and move on to the next. i guess being selfish is the way to live! sorry but i am feeling bad now... What you have to bear in mind, NC, is that she might well be fairly lacking in self-awareness. Like I said in the PM, people often just go with what feels right to them and gives them a sense of security. I think that in reality, very few people consciously set out to use others or treat them badly....but it's the unfortunate side effect of people focusing so much on their own needs that they disregard those of friends they claim to care about.
elijahBailey Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 noclobber, this the same girl who's been giving you grieve couple months back? (sorry I haven't been following the threads in LS for a while) But if it's the same girl, then can I assume you just didn't have the resolve to walk away like you said you would back then. dude, everyone here is telling the truth and lookin' out for ya. You just need to be resolute about not seeing her no more. She ain't gonna do you no good man. Every moment you spend with her is moment wasted when you can use the moment to look for another girl who'll give you her heart. Sorry if it hurts, but I do believe she has no feelings for you. The only reason why she needs to hang out with you so much is cuz she's insecure. Does she have many friends? I've seen people like that. They're not evil or anything, but they do have an overwhelming need to be showered with attention all the time. She's not a bad person. Really. But she's messin' you up and doesn't know it. We sometimes get entangled in all kinds of shyt. It's really ok. What's not ok is when you don't snap out of it.
Yamaha Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 just venting here... having just realized that i have been used by this woman 'emotionally' i am kinda feeling bitter. makes me want to date women regardless of whether i am interested or not, use them (sex), and move on to the next. i guess being selfish is the way to live! sorry but i am feeling bad now... If you felt the same way about her there would be no problem. You could be an emotional support for each other and that is what friends are for. But in your circumstance you have romantic feelings for her and she knows it. For her to continue this relastionship with you is just selfish on her part. Ask her how she would feel if you had no feelings for her and she wanted a romantic relationship with you. She would probably not want to hang out with you so much. I know it's hard but she will not end your relationship so you will have to be the strong one and quit hanging out with her. You can never get over her until you take this step. Don't think of it as ending a friendship but ending a relationship that isn't working for you. You will hurt for awhile but you will be opening yourself up for new interests and you are not doing that now.
blind_otter Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 What you have to bear in mind, NC, is that she might well be fairly lacking in self-awareness. Like I said in the PM, people often just go with what feels right to them and gives them a sense of security. I think that in reality, very few people consciously set out to use others or treat them badly....but it's the unfortunate side effect of people focusing so much on their own needs that they disregard those of friends they claim to care about. Yes ma'am.
noclobber Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 Thanks all you guys for your wonderful insight about my situation! I cogitated deeply and analyzed what was really going on. And this is what I realized: We both have been using each other as surrogate BF/GF Exaclty like how blind_otter had mentioned in one of her posts. I had feelings for her and asked her out. But due to religious differences she said she can't date me. She also said that she didn't have feelings for me. And I believed it. But apparently she has developed some kind of emotional attachment with me... some sort of a dependency. I knew something was wrong when she wanted to see me so much even after she said she didn't have feelings. But since I was not showering her with compliments or money I didn't know whether I was being used. I had posted in LS a while ago about how to know whether a woman is hanging around you b'cos she genuinely likes you as a friend OR b'cos of the attention she is getting. You can see the thread here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t82662/ So all these days even though she was telling that I was just a friend her actions were definitely proving otherwise. But I do not want to put the blame completely on her. As Lindya has very clearly said she might not have consciously done this. At the conscious level she kept telling that I was her friend but at the gut level she has been seeing me as her boyfriend. I have to take responsibility for my actions and behavior. I could have said 'no' when she wanted to see me everyday. But I was undergoing the same thing. At the conscious level I knew that she doesn't want to date me but at the gut level I felt happy that she needs me so much. In a nutshell we both have been feeding off each other emotionally! We are in a pseudo-relationship!! And now it has to stop . Now I know exactly what is happening and I better save myself before disaster strikes. Wow, this has been an amazing experience. Something like this has never happened before in my life. Either I was in a relationship or not, but not something like this. Thanks again!
BruiserKC Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 Howdy everyone...long time listener first time caller. Looking at this post...men and women can be friends and only friends. I'm living proof of that. I've been married almost nine years with two kids...I have my share of guy friends of which I do all the things that guys do...drink beer, watch sports, etc. I would say that I have six close friends...three guys, three women. One woman...married with three kids. Second one, live-in boyfriend and two kids. Third...my best friend of 12 years, she has a boyfriend and a male roommate. All three of them are attractive by most standards...I have never harbored any romantic attraction to them. I do love and care about them almost as if they were sisters. What makes it easy for me is unlike most guys...I don't have a damn thing to prove to them. When I'm with them, I can just be myself, hang out, talk about what's going on, and not worry about having to be something I'm not. I've opened up to them, I can share my feelings and thoughts with no fear of rejection or being laughed at. Obviously I have boundaries and limits...I don't discuss with them serious issues regarding my marriage. That's for me and the wife alone. My wife knows and has interacted with all three of them, very important. This way she knows I'm not hiding anything. Not all men or all women are capable of handling opposite-sex friendships...but I'm one that can proudly say I do so with no problems whatsoever. I'm definitely a better person for it, as my "sisters" have taught me a great deal of the female perspective that I use in my relationship and it makes me a better husband and father. It does take some work, but all friendships do to cultivate and develop. But when it's all said and done it is something I wouldn't trade in for anything.
Mary3 Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 Wrote : I think she's just needy and she's using you as a crutch. And I would be willing to wager a fair chunk of chips that when you actually do finally meet a woman that returns the favor, she'll become jealous as hell unless she's already into another man, by which point she will have already bruised your ego considerably. I think you need to back the hell away from her. Right On Advice !
noclobber Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 Wrote : I think she's just needy and she's using you as a crutch. And I would be willing to wager a fair chunk of chips that when you actually do finally meet a woman that returns the favor, she'll become jealous as hell unless she's already into another man, by which point she will have already bruised your ego considerably. I think you need to back the hell away from her. Right On Advice ! I agree! I am keeping my distance now It's unfortunate that my first attempt for a relationship with an American woman ended up like this but it was a great experience.
Mary3 Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 Looking back on it....seeing you 4 times a week and she wasn't even your real girlfriend...she sure expected alot from you.. Curious : Did she ever kiss you ?
noclobber Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 Looking back on it....seeing you 4 times a week and she wasn't even your real girlfriend...she sure expected alot from you.. Curious : Did she ever kiss you ? No! She is quite restricted when it comes to physical contact. I find it very unusual. I had lot of American female friends when I was in the university. They were just that, friends but still we used to hug a lot and kiss, atleast on the cheeks. But this girl is really weird. She is half-japanese and half-jewish. Lindya had pointed out that this girl might have sexual hang-ups. I really think that may be the case. 'cos I feel like I am in a "non-physical" relationship with this girl. So Mary3, even you find 2 friends meeting four times a week for lunch very odd?
Mary3 Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 Noclobber : I guess I find it odd that ONE friend would be seen 4 times a week. Not a culmination of ALL friends in one week~~ but just a platonic pseudo female/gf ( ? ), sounds like she thought she was your gf but not really ..hrmmm...
noclobber Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 Noclobber : I guess I find it odd that ONE friend would be seen 4 times a week. Not a culmination of ALL friends in one week~~ but just a platonic pseudo female/gf ( ? ), sounds like she thought she was your gf but not really ..hrmmm... She is seriously a very confused woman! I am just agreeing with what Lindya had said - She has developed the emotional attachment like a girlfriend but she doesn't want to bring in the physical intimacy. If you find this girl seeing me for lunch 4 times a week very odd you will find this even more surprising. When I said I got a new job and will be a bit far away the very first question she asked was "Can we still meet for lunch?". I said it would be tough b'cos of the distance she said "We can take the train and meet. Or you and I could walk half-way each, meet up somewhere in the middle, and have lunch". What do you think? This is the woman that said she likes me only as a friend
Mary3 Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 I have reached deep inside my gut to try and figure out what this woman is trying to do to you. ? Simplistic thinking here : If she wants to be romantic and intimate with you TRUST me she would be by now . Unless of course its so early in ....pardon me but I'm getting sleepy so I dont remember how long you have been together as friends . ? The writing is on the wall here. What does she expect from a young hot blooded male who's supposed to keep his hormones and emotions under control from a girl who teases ( yes it seems so ) and says hey I just want to be buddys,. This sucks you know ? Is she okay upstairs ???
noclobber Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 I have reached deep inside my gut to try and figure out what this woman is trying to do to you. ? Simplistic thinking here : If she wants to be romantic and intimate with you TRUST me she would be by now . Unless of course its so early in ....pardon me but I'm getting sleepy so I dont remember how long you have been together as friends . ? The writing is on the wall here. What does she expect from a young hot blooded male who's supposed to keep his hormones and emotions under control from a girl who teases ( yes it seems so ) and says hey I just want to be buddys,. This sucks you know ? Is she okay upstairs ??? Yup I sure do know that it sucks! We have been "friends" for 7 months now. I really don't believe that there would ever be romantic relationship nor would I want one with this person. She is just that, a friend, nothing more nothing less. But it never ceases to amaze me how much she wants to see me and wants to be with me. May be I will never know the answer
Mary3 Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 Start refusing her lunches. Get busy with other females. Rub it in her face that you are no longer the available crutch she is holding onto to. Get a knife and sever the rope. She needs to free fall to the bottom and look up at the top and see you standing there shaking your head. She blew it big time.
noclobber Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 Start refusing her lunches. Get busy with other females. Rub it in her face that you are no longer the available crutch she is holding onto to. Get a knife and sever the rope. Yup that's exactly what I am planning to do. I am not going to say "hey i can't be friends any more" but instead i will say "i am going for dinner with my date, sorry i can't meet you" She blew it big time. Can you explain this?
Mary3 Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 She blew it big time : She had a great guy who deserved the best but instead was used as a toilet reseptacle for all her dirty waste products. Time to call in Rotor Rooter and get your pipes cleaned out so fresh new faces can be in your life.
lindya Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 She blew it big time : She had a great guy who deserved the best but instead was used as a toilet reseptacle for all her dirty waste products. Time to call in Rotor Rooter and get your pipes cleaned out so fresh new faces can be in your life. In the context it was written, I misread that as "fresh new faeces can be in your life."
elijahBailey Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 clobbie, dude... there's truth in what Mary said.... IMHO, a lotta guys don't realize they need to change the trajectory when the odds are against them. If you ask me, things will remain status quo, and will continue to be so, as long as you continue to do what yer doing now. Maybe she's messed up inside; maybe not. But it's pretty clear that she's the more comfortable of the two of you with the current arrangement, so why should she want things to change. But if you give her a jolt where it matters to her, she just might wake up and your odds may improve. And I don't mean just reducing your contact time with her. Stop talking to her altogether. Everyone has a breaking point. When she reaches hers, she's have to decide what she wants to do with the current 'relationship'.
noclobber Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 I understand... and I am putting the distance. If I don't respond to her 'request for lunch' emails she pretty much hounds me and starts sending 'are you okay?' emails and text messages... It's just embarassing
Mary3 Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 If I don't respond to her 'request for lunch' emails she pretty much hounds me and starts sending 'are you okay?' emails and text messages... It's just embarassing Thats another way for her to say : I feel really insecure and stupid that I blew it with you so I am going to hound you to see if you take the bait off the line.
noclobber Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 Thank you I know exactly what I am supposed to do now (or rather what I am not supposed to do) I am going on a casual date with a girl tonite. I am just wondering how my "friend" is going to react tomorrow when she learns this
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 So guys, a lesson for you all that have female friends, make a move fast or else htey'll lose patience and leave your life forever. This is hilarious advice. Maybe we should just endeavor to spread our seed everywhere then.
amerikajin Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 So guys, a lesson for you all that have female friends, make a move fast or else htey'll lose patience and leave your life forever. Actually, I am finding out that the key isn't so much to make a move 'fast', it's to make a move at a natural pace and then get a sense for the pace a woman wants to move at, and respect that. As someone said earlier, it's push and pull. Some women really like to take it slowly; others want to get right down to business. One of the biggest mistakes a guy makes is coming on too strong. As well, sometimes a guy may not necessarily come on strong, but he doesn't know when to pull back. The key for a man is to understand that women are the gatekeepers - they choose. If a girl is acting a bit standoffish, then back off - immediately and completely. Only when she rewards you with warmth should you approach her and start making moves. The other thing is to be direct about your intentions and back that up with your actions. If you want a romance, then you have to act like you want a romance. Don't be her friend and try to use that as a segue into a romance later. She'll consider that weak and she won't respect the fact that you're trying to slip past her radar.
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