kitten chick Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 I have a real question for the OW. How do you deal with the guilt of your actions? Do you not have any guilt or is there a way to push it out of your mind?
erika2610 Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 I have a real question for the OW. How do you deal with the guilt of your actions? Do you not have any guilt or is there a way to push it out of your mind? I know I'm going to sound horrible.. but I didn't think about it at the time. I didn't think really of anybody else but me & him. Now looking back on it, I do feel bad.. but there's nothing I can do about it now. I don't think that answered your question at all.. did it? I tried It's been 2 years, and I don't think about any part of it now really. I guess I'm kind of over the guilt phase..
TheDiva Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 I know I'm going to sound horrible.. but I didn't think about it at the time. I didn't think really of anybody else but me & him. Now looking back on it, I do feel bad.. but there's nothing I can do about it now. I don't think that answered your question at all.. did it? I tried It's been 2 years, and I don't think about any part of it now really. I guess I'm kind of over the guilt phase.. Same here. Guilt was never a factor for me until it was all over. After the A ended I felt horrible over the whole thing, but I couldn't rewrite history. Now I just don't feel anything... may sound bad. But that could be because the BW actually told me I did her a favor MM was an awful cake eater:sick: so I guess that is why I don't feel anything over that situation anymore. That and time. The A ended almost 10 years ago. I was very young and very stupid! Actually I take that back, I do feel relieved that I didn't end up with him, and that I miscarried the child we created. Better for all involved I think, most of all the innocent baby that he denied. I don't think current OW would have a whole lot of guilt simply because when in the middle of the A the way the others (wife, kids, in-laws etc.) feel don't really matter that much. The A is really all about OW and MM, no one else...and when you feel it's for love:love: what is there to feel guilty about?
kitten chick Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Thank you ladies. From your posts (and PMs) it seems like there isn't a mechanism to push away the guilt because there is no guilt to begin with. I guess if there is guilt the best thing to do is walk away from the situation before it does more damage to yourself and gets out of control.
SugaLa Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 I have a real question for the OW. How do you deal with the guilt of your actions? Do you not have any guilt or is there a way to push it out of your mind? Hi All, Betrayed Wife here (no, dont throw those tomatoes yet...I have no hate)....I wanted to ask you ladies a question, maybe your insight is needed. My Husband told me when he and his OW started the affair, there was alot of guilt on both parts, (both married) and still is now that it is over. From your point of view, do you think he is lying?
Guest Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 I've been in this affair for almost a year. I struggle with the guilt everyday. I know he has a good loving wife and even more guilt because of his children. Anywhere I go, I see families, I see little ones. Fathers laughing with their children, playing basketball with their boys. Fathers and mothers at playgrounds. All I see is them. It does hurt. I know what I need and should probably do. It is just so hard to let go.
scarletletter Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 For me it is not about guilt. It's more about doing something that I never dreamed I would do in my lifetime and knowing that I was raised to know better. That is wear my "guilt" comes in, if you can call it guilt. I don't really feel guilty for what he is doing to his wife because she is not a loving wife whatsoever and I don't know that she would even give a damn if he left today. His children, however, would...they are his world and if he left to only see them part time, I WOULD feel guilty about that. I never push him or question him about leaving for that reason.
lovernotafighter Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 Hi All, Betrayed Wife here (no, dont throw those tomatoes yet...I have no hate)....I wanted to ask you ladies a question, maybe your insight is needed. My Husband told me when he and his OW started the affair, there was alot of guilt on both parts, (both married) and still is now that it is over. From your point of view, do you think he is lying? I totally believe him..I'm a MW with a MM and we both have massive guilt pangs.we had 2 NC's so far and came back. we talk about doing whats right for everyone...but the only thing is we won't be doing whats right in our hearts...and it's guilt and worry everyday:(
erika2610 Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 Hi All, Betrayed Wife here (no, dont throw those tomatoes yet...I have no hate)....I wanted to ask you ladies a question, maybe your insight is needed. My Husband told me when he and his OW started the affair, there was alot of guilt on both parts, (both married) and still is now that it is over. From your point of view, do you think he is lying? He could most liely be telling the truth. I don't think there's guilt for alot of people until after the A is over, and they look back and think about it..
THX2000 Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 I can maybe give some insight into the "guilt" my ex had while cheating on me with a married man. I believe early on she felt guilty when the affair started (calling me crying, telling me she didn't deserve me, I was too good for her) but after she became more comfortable with getting what she wanted from me AND the other guy she just didn't care. She was selfish, as I believe all people involved in affairs are and make excuses for why they are involved. The affair caused major problems for me in our relationship while it was going on and she knew this and simply didn't care what the consequences were for me OR the other man's wife and children. She was getting what she wanted and rationalized it to herself in such a way that justified it. I was a terrible person that she couldn't break free from, the wife didn't care about the other man, he only stays for the kids, he only stays because he is afraid of losing everything financially....etc..etc... The only real emotion my ex showed was fear when I tried to break free of her (twice) and talked me out of it because it wasn't "convenient" for her to lose me. Same goes for her MM. I can see some people feeling guilty about this type of behaviour but don't think most people care unless they get caught. Once the imaginary world starts to crumble around them they may feel remorse but moreso remorse that they are losing everything - not that they did anything wrong.
newbby Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 i felt guilty, but i also thought the wife was much better off than i was. i didnt feel i was taking anything from her, because my instincts correctly told me, that i was the one that would get the worst deal. i did feel guilty and i didnt try to push it from my mind, i just kept ending the relationship every time i saw him, until the next time of course!
Guest Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 i felt guilty, but i also thought the wife was much better off than i was. i didnt feel i was taking anything from her, because my instincts correctly told me, that i was the one that would get the worst deal. i did feel guilty and i didnt try to push it from my mind, i just kept ending the relationship every time i saw him, until the next time of course! My husband told me that when he was with her, he though about me all the time, he said that he liked make love to me better than her, when they started he could not stop seen her because he felt sorry for her too, he was glad that i found out about it because it was a good reason to leave her. she still kep calling him after two months crying, and he told her, i told you since the biguining of this game that it was a game, she asked him if he could love her one day, he said not, and she asked him if she could ask him to come another day to see her and he said no. I belive him, but i think if i did not find out about it , they may still together, because affairs are about fantazy no reality and the more you do it the more you keep going it is adiction not love, unless it is about emotional feelings about the other person, but this take time and constand touch with the op. Sometimes i don't belive what he said because one night he had sex with me and the other day when to see her. we were having some issue in our marriege but it is no excuse to do what he did, his affair last two months, and he told me that he only saw her during saturdays, every two weeks, and we leave very close to her, five minutes apart. I think my husband wanted to try the feeling about having two women to adore him and wanted him. he said it was the first time that he did it after 15 years of marriage, we had very good sex before the affair during the first 10 years of our marriege after my son was born things change a little be about our sex life because our son wanted to sleep with us, i did not see anything wrong with but now i see it was a big mistake. I just want to tell all of you that you are women who deserve more than a MM, they are selfish men they only whant to use your body and your attention, if they are good people they would leave their wife, before engage in other relationship. they will do the same to you later on. men with good feeling won't use you as a toy and when the wife fount out leave you like a piece of shiet in the garbage, it is not fear for any of you and the wiaves.
No Stress Lady Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 Hi Newbby I did feel some guilt but as I never met or knew the wives of the MM I was involved with it was easy to distance myself. Also, I never wanted them to get divorced - destroying a marriage was never something I wanted, that would have made me feel incredibly guilty. The MM I were involved with were having affairs for several reasons - boredom with the routine at home, lack of affection at home, a sense of advancing years and "Is this all there is now?" - lacklustre sex and the prospect of more of the same (or even less sex) to come. Fear of getting older and losing their sense of attractiveness to the opposite sex seemed to be another issue - despite the fact that they were very attractive and charismatic guys anyway. I've no doubt at all that they did love their wives in many senses of the word and would probably not ever seriously have contemplated divorce BUT: the overriding reasons for not getting divorced seemed to be: Not wishing to upset the children Not wanting the aggravation and the impact on their families (parents, in-laws etc) Not wanting the disruption to their social circles aswell as the effect it would have had on their wives. They seemed more concerned about the "big picture" than their wives. So, trying to come back to the original post, no I didn't feel especially guilty but I didn't feel great about it either - if anything I felt more sorry for the wives as they were either oblivious to the missing pieces of their marriages or maybe just didn't care. I did always try to "put myself in the wife's shoes" but to be honest it's very difficult to do that when you have no insight into the marriage other than what you hear from the MM - none of mine were particularly negative about their wives, but I got the sense that their wives were very complacent with their marriages and also very out of touch with their husband's feelings. That's not something I can feel particularly guilty about myself.
THE OTHER WOMAN Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 I am currently playing the role as the proclaimed OW. I have no feelings toward my mm at all. We have an understanding; our relationship is based on two things: Sex and Money. He is very wealthy and has bought me an apartment, furnished it completley, and has bought me a nice car. On the other side of the deal, when he wants sex he pretty much gets it. How shallow! you think to yourselves as you are reading this. Yes,I agree, however I have been a few serious relationships before and I feel that I need a huge break from all the emotional hang up that they provide. I am at a point in my life where I really don't want a relationship and, conveniently enough, he cannot be in a relationship. I am very independent and do not depend on him emotionally. He has also told me that if I am to find another man that interests me more than him, I can leave him at any time. We both seem to co-exist in eachother's lives perfectly. He used to be my boss, and I have met his wife several times at company functions. However, I have no feelings of guilt. I leave that up to him, it is not my responsibility to carry that load. Afterall, I am not the one in the marriage, he is.
Guest Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 Yes-I agree there is not guilt to begin with in most cases.
My_Other_I Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 I disagree. I felt guilt every day. I would get sick every day - thinking about his wife and our actions. It is an addiction. You know it's wrong but you can't pull away from it. It destroyed my mental and physical health but I kept on going. It destroyed my self image, my friendships, I've lost my dignity, and I kept on going. Now I'm free and I can see what it had caused. I'm on my way to recovery and got most of my confidence back, but to be honest, the guilt has stolen years of my youth.
erika2610 Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 I am currently playing the role as the proclaimed OW. I have no feelings toward my mm at all. We have an understanding; our relationship is based on two things: Sex and Money. He is very wealthy and has bought me an apartment, furnished it completley, and has bought me a nice car. On the other side of the deal, when he wants sex he pretty much gets it. How shallow! you think to yourselves as you are reading this. Yes,I agree, however I have been a few serious relationships before and I feel that I need a huge break from all the emotional hang up that they provide. I am at a point in my life where I really don't want a relationship and, conveniently enough, he cannot be in a relationship. I am very independent and do not depend on him emotionally. He has also told me that if I am to find another man that interests me more than him, I can leave him at any time. We both seem to co-exist in eachother's lives perfectly. He used to be my boss, and I have met his wife several times at company functions. However, I have no feelings of guilt. I leave that up to him, it is not my responsibility to carry that load. Afterall, I am not the one in the marriage, he is. So because you don't want a relationship, you're getting into the middle of somebody elses? Sounds nothing but selfish to me..
For You I Will Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 I don't really feel guilty for what he is doing to his wife because she is not a loving wife whatsoever and I don't know that she would even give a damn if he left today. His children, however, would...they are his world and if he left to only see them part time, I WOULD feel guilty about that. I never push him or question him about leaving for that reason. I just want to know about the "non loving" wife. What does he say she doesn't do?? & Why wouldn't she give a damn? My MM says his child is his world too & he wouldn't do anything that would jeopardize him from not seeing his child. Is this a valid excuse? I agree w/ you Scarlet.. I would feel extremely guilty if he could never see his child again OR if I had something to do w/ that.
CeeJayXX Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 At this point, I feel no guilt. (Please don't jump all over me for it.)....I have been in an A for three years and guilt has not gotten to me yet.
bb35 Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 Hi. I believe he's telling the truth. As you can see from previous replies, guilt feelings (or lack of them) vary from person to person and situation to situation... in my case I do feel guilt at being an OW and I know he feel's guilt at cheating and strange as it sounds, I think that makes us less ...horrible. If there was no guilt, that's just cold and I'd be scared of myself and him if we weren't feeling guilt. I used to tell myself that if he was really in love with her, then he couldn't possibly even consider being with someone else, let alone actually do it. Has anyone else ever had this thought? I asked someone this question once, not him, and the person just said that there were many kinds of love...not a very satisfying answer. We just don't think about it. Don't dwell on it. We don't talk about it. But it's there every day.
newbby Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 So because you don't want a relationship, you're getting into the middle of somebody elses? Sounds nothing but selfish to me.. I agree with her that it is his job to feel guilty, although on the other hand, everybody in this world does have a responsibility to everybody else. Depending on life circumstances, I think in some cases, i.e, single parents in bad situation, then having this kind of relationship for the money, is perfectly understandable and acceptable. In this case, she would benefit herself, her child and ultimately all around her with this situation. People should always act in a way that benefits the most people. I think it could be argued definetly in some circumstances that a situation like this does benefit the most people, especially if the wife never finds out. It may not be a selfish act at all. If she is a single parent or has dependents upon her, or any other circumstance we cannot guess at, then it is actually a selfless act, foregoing normal relationship for sake of benefitting children, or another suitable reason. Who can say, what is really selfish or not? So, I respectfully disagree with this judgement. Hello Erika:) And hello to you, no stress lady:)
erika2610 Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 I agree with her that it is his job to feel guilty, although on the other hand, everybody in this world does have a responsibility to everybody else. Depending on life circumstances, I think in some cases, i.e, single parents in bad situation, then having this kind of relationship for the money, is perfectly understandable and acceptable. In this case, she would benefit herself, her child and ultimately all around her with this situation. People should always act in a way that benefits the most people. I think it could be argued definetly in some circumstances that a situation like this does benefit the most people, especially if the wife never finds out. It may not be a selfish act at all. If she is a single parent or has dependents upon her, or any other circumstance we cannot guess at, then it is actually a selfless act, foregoing normal relationship for sake of benefitting children, or another suitable reason. Who can say, what is really selfish or not? So, I respectfully disagree with this judgement. Hello Erika:) And hello to you, no stress lady:) Hello Newbster That's alright that you disagree, obviously I dunno.. I think I just got annoyed reading that post. It did sound selfish to me.. 'well, I'm only with him for money and sex'.. that sounds like something else to me. If you don't want a relationship and what not, god go out and find a single sex buddy. But hey, I guess if it works for ya, it's all good.. whatever. And I very much disagree that it's a selfless act..
lindya Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 I am currently playing the role as the proclaimed OW. I have no feelings toward my mm at all. We have an understanding; our relationship is based on two things: Sex and Money. He is very wealthy and has bought me an apartment, furnished it completley, and has bought me a nice car. On the other side of the deal, when he wants sex he pretty much gets it. How shallow! you think to yourselves as you are reading this. A car and a fully furnished apartment! How do the two of you work the fine details out? Is it a case of "I'll buy you a microwave if you give me a blow job. Swallow, and I'll throw in a food processor..."?
castle26 Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 Thank you ladies. From your posts (and PMs) it seems like there isn't a mechanism to push away the guilt because there is no guilt to begin with. I guess if there is guilt the best thing to do is walk away from the situation before it does more damage to yourself and gets out of control. Thanks for the daily surmon, another extremely helpful thread in the Other Women/Other Man Forum. NOT!
erika2610 Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 Thanks for the daily surmon, another extremely helpful thread in the Other Women/Other Man Forum. NOT! What's the problem? I believe she was asking a valid question.. not judging anybody.
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