NC-ZC It all just sounds like running away from your problems.

[TiredandWorkinghard]

I've noticed a lot of people on here suggesting no contact and zero contact and that limited contact is a bad idea. now I know that all people are different but if one thing is the same its that to not face something is running away from it and that just leaves you worse off than before. The reason i think most people take so long to get over relationships is the lack of closure. Closure is something that all of us want whether it be from work of from family issues or even romantic issues. We are a curious being and want to know the reasons why something doesnt work out. at least thats my view on the subject.

[contradikt]

what you say is interesting...

 

<quote>that to not face something is running away from it and that just leaves you worse off than before</quote>

 

this is all dependent on how you approach NC and the reasons for it. NC can be excruciatingly hard, picking up the phone and making things worse is very tempting and so easy. if you know that there is nothing you can really do about a certain situation for the time being there is no shame and it is not running away to cease contact.

 

<quote>We are a curious being and want to know the reasons why something doesnt work out</quote>

 

i would actually say the opposite of this. often we may already know the reasons why something didn't work out, and we just don't want to accept it.

[TiredandWorkinghard]

I can understand why no contact would be a good thing. E.G. Getting out of an abusive or unhealthy relationship.

[riobikini]

If you truly don't know why the break happened -and there are circumstances where you simply do not-, or if there is a circumstance where the relationship took such an abrupt twist at the end that there was no moment where you can pin down that shuts the door on the knowledge that it ended, then there may be reason enough to seek the confrontation that induces absolute closure.

 

Most us know where it all ended.

 

We know what it was about, what went wrong, whether or not we could 'fix' it, and had some parting words of some kind.

 

Sometimes, we remain in denial of that knowledge, and allow ourselves to be consumed with many painful questions about the break, -some of them completely valid in our wanting answers for them, some of them totally ridiculous and amounting to no more than digging in the wound.

 

What it turns out that we want, by wanting that last confrontation, is to simply restore, by almost-magical, unrealistic means, the pre-break-up status of the relationship, at the peak of its happier times.

 

Wanting and focusing on that last face-to-face meeting and the fantastical expectations of what it might restore, normally is the reason we remain stuck in the grieving (or 'letting go') stage of the break-up, thereby preventing the procession into other healing stages towards our recovery.

 

If we do, indeed, find that the criteria is met, and there is a need for a 'proper' meeting for closure, due to the special circumstances I have mentioned, it will, in most cases, speed the process considerably.

 

I caution that only special circumstances should apply for this.

 

You are correct, TiredandWorkingHard, -that 'No Contact' is not the first -and best- solution to getting past this particular problem.

 

Still, 'No Contact' is the best solution once the unusual circumstances have been resolved.

 

Hope this explanation helps clarify.

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

[jerbear]

I do and somewhat feel that NC/ZC/LC can be misused.

 

I do agree that using it to get out of an abusive relationship NC/ZC can be used. It can also be used for self healing of a toxic relationship of all sorts like: one-sided, obsessive, hurtful, abusive, and many others.

 

It shouldn't be used as a power play to get someone back.

 

It shouldn't be used to run away from someone, espeically yourself. I've realized this and reinitiated contact with an ex-friend/love interests, potential wife. I was the realist in the relationship only to realize I do love her and learned more about myself.

 

Curious beings can be lead to blinking lights, sale signs, accidents on the road, crowds, loud sounds and bright lights, big letters instead of fine print, etc... There are times curiousity gets the best of us and can hurt us. Sometimes are just not mean to be discovered.

[blind_otter]

I've noticed a lot of people on here suggesting no contact and zero contact and that limited contact is a bad idea. now I know that all people are different but if one thing is the same its that to not face something is running away from it and that just leaves you worse off than before. The reason i think most people take so long to get over relationships is the lack of closure. Closure is something that all of us want whether it be from work of from family issues or even romantic issues. We are a curious being and want to know the reasons why something doesnt work out. at least thats my view on the subject.

 

Closure does not require the participation of the other party -- that's flawed thinking. Otherwise, no one would ever get closure regarding the death of loved ones. Obviously you can't talk to them. They are dead.

 

From the standpoint of someone who has dumped and has been dumped - there are sometimes no logical reasons because emotions are by definition not logical.

 

That was a good try at rationalization though.

[riobikini]

Here's something that may be helpful with types of closure -one about dealing with the death of someone you love, the other about break-up and letting go.

 

Taken from a recent post, the actual LS link is given below.

 

CaliGuy, (Smile), -OK- we've talked, and I do understand the strong ties; I've had similar ties, as well.

 

We both know there's no magic potion, pill, nor nice wee fairy to put everything back in order.

 

At least, in the order we wish for.

 

There are helpful strategies, which when applied, can only take some of the edge off the ache, -but never make it go totally, suddenly away.

 

For me, it often comes as an unexpected, sudden attack and I have to set myself straight all over again. And again. And again.

 

It gets sickening.

 

You start resenting the intrusion.

 

You just want to be at peace again, -not fighting this monster that just appears whenever it wants to.

 

My biggest battles have been those concerning knowing when to throw in the towel.

 

I just hate doing it, -it's just this side of giving up, -except there's a whole world of difference, but the trouble is distinguishing between the two in the middle of a fight to keep something you want so badly, to stay alive.

 

The worst case scenario of that was when my second husband died. I was in the hospital as they brought him in, working on him to keep him alive, and when they had to tell me he was gone, I didn't believe them, I knew this man could not die- and told them it wasn't possible and to go back....

 

Cali, sometimes, you really do have to let go.

 

Circumstances do bear on the process of relinquishing someone you have loved deeply, -but grasping the decision to finally bury the relationship is the same; it's just the grieving process that's different, because there are still possible contact issues.

 

And that's really where the trouble lies for all of us: the fact our estranged partner has potential to be 'available' again, if we just do this, be that, show them, say those words, etc.

 

Playing out wishful scenarios of past and future keeps us busy at the gruesome task of nothing more than self-torture.

 

If we actually have those in-person meetings to -er straighten it all out, -we normally, just leave with enough salt to cover the new wounds we create by doing it.

 

So how do we deal with it? More new and creative ideas to make the hurt go away? Different treatments, books, boards, therapy, pills, or a new flavor of ice cream?

 

(Smile)

 

The only secret is no secret, at all: it's whatever works for you to help you to the next breath, the next hour, day, week, or month.

 

The newly-broken hearts will rely on the experiences of the ones who have met with the pain before, and learn what they can from them; the ones who have been there will do what they know works and look for better ways to deal with it.

 

Talking with each other and sharing all this, we know, helps.

 

New and different? (Smile) I guess that, as long as people have been falling in and out of love, there has been no real antidote for heartache, -just as there has never been no real formula for love.

 

My thoughts are with you, Cali, -I recognize you as being, truly, one of the good guys -because I've seen your heart all over these boards.

 

(Smile)

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

 

 

The thread link:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=733000#post733000

[SmoochieFace]

I've noticed a lot of people on here suggesting no contact and zero contact and that limited contact is a bad idea. now I know that all people are different but if one thing is the same its that to not face something is running away from it and that just leaves you worse off than before. The reason i think most people take so long to get over relationships is the lack of closure. Closure is something that all of us want whether it be from work of from family issues or even romantic issues. We are a curious being and want to know the reasons why something doesnt work out. at least thats my view on the subject.

 

I completely disagree with your thought that NC/ZC is *running away from your problems*. That is not how I see it at all.

 

I have been left by every woman I have been with. My *policy* states that I will not contact them whatsoever for any reason - except for the XW and that is ONLY because of our son. Anything else - no contact. If they contact me they will be instantly rebuffed. Only once did an X contact me - and I made it crystal clear that she is to never do that again. No exceptions.

 

There is no need to contact any woman who screws me over and I sure as hell will not wait for them. I have a life to live and I don't need any analytical bulls*** from any X. There aren't any problems to run away from. Period.

[riobikini]

RE:

 

SF: " I completely disagree with your thought that NC/ZC is *running away from your problems*. That is not how I see it at all. "

 

Correct.

 

Coosing 'No Contact' is when you've looked the problem straight in the eye, and refuse to be dominated, or controlled by it, and have adopted the only plan to end the problem, stop it dead in its tracks, and move the hell on.

 

-Rio

[SmoochieFace]

RE:

 

 

 

Correct.

 

Coosing 'No Contact' is when you've looked the problem straight in the eye, and refuse to be dominated, or controlled by it, and have adopted a plan to end the problem, stop it dead in its tracks, and move the hell on.

 

-Rio

 

I don't see it in the context of *looking at any problems* - rather I see it as not giving in to what most women seemingly want... they break up with the guy and then it's almost as if they *want* him to contact them so that they feel they are being *fought for*... so that they feel *valued*. That boosts their egos somehow.

 

Screw that. I am not in the business of boosting anyone's ego.

[riobikini]

SF, that's when 'the games' begin.

 

I don't play them.

 

-Rio

[SmoochieFace]

SF, that's when 'the games' begin.

 

I don't play them.

 

-Rio

 

Well, we seem to see it quite often. Young woman screws over her BF and later she gets *mad* because he hasn't contacted her. Dumb... just dumb.

 

And even dumber are the guys who actually fall for that garbage...

[riobikini]

Women, too.

 

Sometimes, I question my own 'smarts', Smoochie, (btw, strength has everything to do with weakness), and I just get angry at myself for not carrying out certain relationships the way my gut is telling me.

 

-Rio

[SmoochieFace]

(btw, strength has everything to do with weakness)

 

Clarify the above please. Thank you.

[riobikini]

You (meaning I), learn through our failures.

 

-Rio

[Mary3]

No contact is vital to YOUR healing .

 

Why ?

 

Because continued contact with that person is going to keep their scent alive , their laughter ringing in your ears, their quirky nuances, their visual and emotional presense with you daily.

 

While that may seem important to those who are still * clinging * to what was....its only hampering you from healing.

 

How do you heal ? By removing fresh painful memories so they become far into the distance. Removing all reminders in a small box if you have to.

 

Do not delude yourself into thinking that its harmless to talk to that person because you still * care *. You are indeed harming yourself because if you have ANY romantic feelings for that person ,. you are in for a world of hurt hanging on to * what was * Especially excruxciating is hearing the : Well I have found some one new " Something nobody wants to hear from their former ex .

[lindya]

No contact is vital to YOUR healing .

 

Why ?

 

Because continued contact with that person is going to keep their scent alive , their laughter ringing in your ears, their quirky nuances, their visual and emotional presense with you daily.

 

Exactly. Either the person isn't in love with you any more - in which case you'll be painfully reminded, on a regular basis, of what you once had which is now dead, or they will be ambivalent about you... which is a nice way of saying that they'll become your f*** buddy until they're 100% sure that you're not the one for them.