noclobber Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 I just said that I edited the post because I didn't want it to sound that way! Based on everything you've posted, you seem really bitter about women. I'm sorry for the bad experience you've had that caused that, I've gone through periods myself when I HATED men and it's not fun. But to dismiss everything I say as nonsense just because I'm a woman really isn't fair. It's been my experience that many men care ONLY about what a girl looks like, and that's it. I know logically that's not true but it sure feels like that some times. I'm really trying to be sympathetic, I didn't mean to offend. okay, i understand. i am sorry too! may be i was just wrong about this whole 'chemistry' thing.
catgirl1927 Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 okay, i understand. i am sorry too! may be i was just wrong about this whole 'chemistry' thing. I don't think you were wrong, really. It seems so arbitrary, until you experience it. It sounds SO cheesy and stupid, but you'll meet a girl one day and know exactly what "chemistry" is. When I saw my BF (at a bar, where you're not supposed to meet nice people, from what I hear ) before I even met him we made eye contact and there was a little spark.
noclobber Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 I don't think you were wrong, really. It seems so arbitrary, until you experience it. It sounds SO cheesy and stupid, but you'll meet a girl one day and know exactly what "chemistry" is. When I saw my BF (at a bar, where you're not supposed to meet nice people, from what I hear ) before I even met him we made eye contact and there was a little spark. In my opinion this is what I would call as 'chemistry'. Something that happens even before you get to know the person - their personalities and character. Also it is generally believed that looks matter a lot to men. But I think even women value looks a lot. They are just indirect in saying that. They use phrases like - "I didn't find you attractive" or "I don't feel like kissing you (so I am casting you in the friendzone )" ...
Walk Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Also it is generally believed that looks matter a lot to men. But I think even women value looks a lot. They are just indirect in saying that. They use phrases like - "I didn't find you attractive" or "I don't feel like kissing you (so I am casting you in the friendzone )" ... If you saw some of the men I fell madly in love with, then you'd know that statement was false. And check out some of the men my girlfriends married. If it's looks, then they need new prescription for their glasses or something. Besides, I like men with character, and usually the really good looking guys are as bland as a stale cracker. Attraction is completely arbitrary. What's hot to one, is not to another. And the biggest turn off for me is the personality of a man. If his idea of a fun evening is lecturing me on the evils of abortion or being condescending, then no matter what he looks like, I'm not going to feel "chemistry".
noclobber Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 If you saw some of the men I fell madly in love with, then you'd know that statement was false. And check out some of the men my girlfriends married. If it's looks, then they need new prescription for their glasses or something. Besides, I like men with character, and usually the really good looking guys are as bland as a stale cracker. Attraction is completely arbitrary. What's hot to one, is not to another. And the biggest turn off for me is the personality of a man. If his idea of a fun evening is lecturing me on the evils of abortion or being condescending, then no matter what he looks like, I'm not going to feel "chemistry". Walk, It's okay when you date a guy and don't like his personality. But what I am talking about is the 'chemistry' that women claim that they feel in the first few moments they meet a new guy. Its when they decide 'okay i don't feel chemistry with this guy so i am casting him in the friend zone'.
Author DatingQuestions Posted March 11, 2006 Author Posted March 11, 2006 Wow, I didn't know my post would start off a discussion like that. Anyways, I don’t want to flatter myself, or sound conceited or anything like that, I simply want some information for my question. In terms of looks, people say that I am a 10 on a scale 1-10. So I do not think it has anything to do with the looks with this guy. Secondly, I am not dumb, or uneducated. I am finishing up my doctoral degree in a prestigious university at age 28. Finally, I believe that we had a connection. Just like he said. We laughed a lot and always had a great time together. So it is not easy for me to accept the fact that he is not interested in me, especially romantically. I can’t help it but to think, what’s wrong with this guy?!
noclobber Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 So it is not easy for me to accept the fact that he is not interested in me, especially romantically. I can’t help it but to think, what’s wrong with this guy?! The ego is such resilient thing, ain't it?? This is exactly what I thought when the woman that keeps running after me said that she only appreciates me as a friend. I kept asking myself again and again why she wouldn't be interested in me romantically? After a point I realized that its just wise to accept and move on. After all if she didn't feel the 'chemistry' what can I do? It's nice to know that you feel so good about yourself. That attitude alone will send out the positive vibes and attract other men. If this guy is a flip-flop just move on instead of over-analyzing. Otherwise you will just get stuck and miss out on other opportunities. By the way, can I get your number?
Author DatingQuestions Posted March 11, 2006 Author Posted March 11, 2006 LOL that's funny noclobber, I would give you my number if I lived in California. You made some really good points here, and I already feel a lot better by just accepting it! Thank you.
noclobber Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 LOL that's funny noclobber, I would give you my number if I lived in California. You made some really good points here, and I already feel a lot better by just accepting it! Thank you. Outcast had mentioned a quote in one of my threads. I think its great: "IF YOU'RE TOO DUMB TO REALIZE HOW GREAT I AM, YOU DON'T DESERVE ME"
MadDog Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 By the way, can I get your number? Dude and #3, don't be asking for girl's number on this thing. MD
MadDog Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 In terms of looks, people say that I am a 10 on a scale 1-10. So I do not think it has anything to do with the looks with this guy. So it is not easy for me to accept the fact that he is not interested in me, especially romantically. I can’t help it but to think, what’s wrong with this guy?! Hmm. A girl who's a dime and a guy who's wants to be friends first. Have you considered he might not be straight? MD
BlahBlahQueen Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 Wow, I didn't know my post would start off a discussion like that. Anyways, I don’t want to flatter myself, or sound conceited or anything like that, I simply want some information for my question. In terms of looks, people say that I am a 10 on a scale 1-10. So I do not think it has anything to do with the looks with this guy. Secondly, I am not dumb, or uneducated. I am finishing up my doctoral degree in a prestigious university at age 28. Looks get you sex. Intelligence gets you conversation. Personality gets you love. A significant minority of guys will not bother seriously dating someone they can't see themselves falling in love with. These are the best guys, IMO. They don't confuse lust with love. Finally, I believe that we had a connection. Just like he said. We laughed a lot and always had a great time together. Friends laugh a lot and have a great time together. It doesn't necessarily imply a romantic connection. So it is not easy for me to accept the fact that he is not interested in me, especially romantically. I can’t help it but to think, what’s wrong with this guy?! I used to think this way in my teens. When I couldn't make a guy feel romantically about me, I was like, "What is he, deaf and blind?" I'd look at his long-term exes and some of them would be less attractive, less intelligent, less interesting than me *laugh at my own expense here* and it baffled the crap out of me. Then I'd start trying to figure out why I was inferior. Took me a long time to learn that romantic attraction is about a jigsaw-puzzle fit of both people's personalities. You can't force compatibility or chemistry. The ugliest, blandest, ditziest chick in the world might beat you out in his heart, because she has that certain something he needs, which you might lack. That "certain something" makes all the difference. Never count on your innate superiority to get you love. It just doesn't work that way.
noclobber Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 That's a fantastic reply! Took me a long time to learn that romantic attraction is about a jigsaw-puzzle fit of both people's personalities. You can't force compatibility or chemistry. I learnt it the hard way too and to be frank I feel kinda discouraged I mean compatibility and chemistry is very clearly out of my control. If there is something about my appearence, intelligence, or personality I can work on it and improve it. Its in my locus of control. But the essential ingredients required for romantic attraction are out of our control. I am now seriously surprised to see so many couples out there. May be I am just unlucky.. One more question: If you have to reject your guy friend b'cos you don't have feelings for him will his value go down in your eyes? I mean, you are rejecting him b'cos he is not valuable enough to be your boyfriend and he can only be a friend. Does that make him less?
Citizen Erased Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 Wow I never really got American culture until I read this post thread Yes, even after living here for 2 years! Seeing as my people apparently only sleep with hot water bottles though, I guess there is a difference. I think this whole woman needs chemistry, man needs sex thing is way too Hollywood-esque and bred by such crap as Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives which promote all of this stuff and provides men and women alike with expectations which will never be met. Love at first sight happens. RARELY! In this day and age of divorce, people appear to put too much pressure on themselves and their potential partners, wanting something to prove that their relationship will last. You are young, attractive, smart... why are you wasting your time on this? If he wants something else then you then you are not yet attched, so find someone else. Other than that, ahve fun. Act your age, hang out with friends, have the inevitable disastrous date and then move on. You will find your future husband, but in the mean time it is better to get oput there rather then be with someone you are apparently wasting your time with
BlahBlahQueen Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 One more question: If you have to reject your guy friend b'cos you don't have feelings for him will his value go down in your eyes? I mean, you are rejecting him b'cos he is not valuable enough to be your boyfriend and he can only be a friend. Does that make him less? Don't be silly, of course not. He's just a piece that belongs in another puzzle. His romantic compatibility with me has nothing to do with his "value". Why do you factor human value in there anyway?
Author DatingQuestions Posted March 11, 2006 Author Posted March 11, 2006 Hey, thanks for the wonderful advices! Yeah I feel a lot better already. It was just a moment of disappointment, I guess. I’m human, you know? I just had to get it out, and now it is out there and I feel completely fine again. I understand it has nothing to do with who I am as a person; it is simply that I don’t have what HE needs. Exactly what Blahblahqueen wrote! So I am moving on, and tomorrow is another beautiful day! Thanks again for everyone that contributed to this thread.
Outcast Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 I am not trying to discourage you but isn't 'chemistry' the be all and end all for you women when it comes to relationships? No. Women decide whether to put a guy in the friend zone or not in the first 2 or 3 minutes, so why bother trying to analyze his personality and character by going on further dates with him? Nope. Some women do, but not all. "Women" is not one great homogenous group that moves exactly the same way. We're not a flock of birds or a school of fish. Everyone is different and some women are that way, but absolutely not all. Sorry, but even personality doesn't matter for women! Its ONLY the chemistry! I can't think of one women I ever met or heard of who didn't care about personality. Maybe if all they want is a momentary shag but I thought you were talking about relationships here. I judge compatibility before even opening myself to feeling chemistry. In fact, it seems compatibility creates chemistry for me; they're largely dependent on each other. EXACTLY. For me as well, and we're not the only two females on the planet who operate this way. It's okay when you date a guy and don't like his personality. But what I am talking about is the 'chemistry' that women claim that they feel in the first few moments they meet a new guy. Its when they decide 'okay i don't feel chemistry with this guy so i am casting him in the friend zone'. If you're not a woman and especially if you are not all women, then you can't speak for women. No, this isn't the case. Some women operate that way. Others of us have started out with friends and come to love those friends over time as their great qualities emerge and win us over. Many marriages begin with friendships. There is the 'completely unsuitable but kinda interesting' zone where guys who would never suit you as partners but are ok to hang with live in, but you need to know whether you are the 'friend - possible romantic potential' or the 'friends only forever' friend. So it is not easy for me to accept the fact that he is not interested in me, especially romantically. I can’t help it but to think, what’s wrong with this guy?! I agree about the jigsaw puzzle theory, but I'm glad that at least you're not asking 'what's wrong with me'. Took me a long time to learn that romantic attraction is about a jigsaw-puzzle fit of both people's personalities. You can't force compatibility or chemistry. The ugliest, blandest, ditziest chick in the world might beat you out in his heart, because she has that certain something he needs, which you might lack. That "certain something" makes all the difference. And that is THE essence of relationships. You can have the looks of Hale Berry and the personality of a saint but you still might not 'fit' his bumps and indents just right. And that's nothing to get depressed or angry about (not to the OP specifically, but to everyone). It's just life and humans and tastes.
amerikajin Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 To me, chemistry is the composite of personality and looks. I'm not going to feel chemistry with someone I'm not physically attracted to on some level, nor will I feel chemistry with someone who's personality doesn't mesh with mine. There's no silver bullet with relationships. Sometimes, chemistry does take time to develop. The reason it can take a while to develop is because people put up walls in relationships, but with the right person, those walls can come down. Sometimes, you meet someone who tears down those walls in short order; other people you may meet can tear down the walls but it takes them a while to get past their own walls. That's why a lot of people recommend that you take things light and easy in the first few dates...the walls don't come down if you analyze things too much.
alphamale Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 Sometimes, chemistry does take time to develop. . I agree to a certain extent but I think its rare when it takes time to develop. Usually its there or it is not and you can tell fairly quickly. Remember in High School chemistry class when the teacher would do some experiment? The reaction happened instantaneously. For example, putting a small chunk of sodium into a beaker of H20 would cause a small explosion and smoke and whatnot. This is chemistry, plain and simple. It basically works the same at the molecular level as it does at the human level And anyways, chemistry that takes time to develop is boring...
jerbear Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 And anyways, chemistry that takes time to develop is boring... Doesn't hurt to have some real bling bling as in jewelry, ie platinum as a catalyst! Put that in there with the mixture and see the passion explode! I agree with the chemisty taking time to develop. 3 months I think is ok but 1+ year is not so good. Depends as what Outcast said, some are in the "friend - romantic potential" and the other dreaded "friendzone abyss" Having read this thread I noticed my mistakes and will fix my issues. Get in the romantic potential bucket first and avoid the abyss; other wise put her in "my abyss" and move on.
amerikajin Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 I agree to a certain extent but I think its rare when it takes time to develop. Usually its there or it is not and you can tell fairly quickly. I think we might be splitting hairs here, but I'd say that attraction is instantaneous...it's just that attaction isn't necessarily a permanent thing. That's where the chemistry part comes in. For example, a woman sees a guy she likes and she is immediately attracted to him. She likes his look and the vibe that he sends off - that's instantaneous. At the same time, she may later decide that 'he doesn't have it', and she may lose interest until she becomes convinced that she does have it (i.e. persona). That's why I say it can take time for chemistry to develop. The connection between people is occasionally awkward. I would agree that quick chemistry is more likely to succeed than slow chemistry, but some women and some men are different. It just depends on the situation.
alphamale Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 I would agree that quick chemistry is more likely to succeed than slow chemistry, but some women and some men are different. It just depends on the situation. One of the main reasons why attractive members of both sexes find it easier to get laid or have relationships is because they can easily create chemistry inside other people very quickly. Its the snow-ball effect. The better looking one is the more they learn about how chemistry and attraction works with the opposite sex.
amerikajin Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 One of the main reasons why attractive members of both sexes find it easier to get laid or have relationships is because they can easily create chemistry inside other people very quickly. Its the snow-ball effect. The better looking one is the more they learn about how chemistry and attraction works with the opposite sex. I'll say this, the person who can create chemistry faster always has the advantage over someone who can't. But there are some women who will look past the mistakes of someone who isn't so good with women. It just depends. Really, I know from experience that not all women are the same.
electric_sheep Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 @BlahBlahQueen: Great comment about chemistry being a jigsaw puzzle. That is exactly what it is. It's impossible to simply list off a series of traits and expect someone who has all them to be the ultimate love "bait". "chemistry" is like a complicated calculus equation with too many varibles, which nobody has yet to solve. Someone like me for example ... I am seldom attracted to traditionally beautiful women. For me to be really attracted to a girl she has to have a big nose, a faint mustache, wide hips, or something. For some reason I find imperfections really sexy. I also like a little quirkiness ... and geeky girls. I'm also suspicious of people (male or female) who are too confident or self-assured. I see a little doubt and timidity as a sign of great wisdom. Personally, I felt a LOT of chemistry and fell instantly in love with my gf when I first met her. For her it took some time. Some people are a bit more reckless and open to their feelings ... others are more guarded. Could be because she was on Zoloft too. One thing I've learned ... I think it's pretty ridiculous to clump people into categories based on sex or age (or race). Too many people defy stereotypes for it to really be a useful method for us in relating to one another.
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