Transitaion-HopeNot Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 I am friends with my ex boyfriend. My new b/f and I got into an unrelated fight and he is now telling me he doesn't want me to see my ex anymore. My ex does have a few issues (alcoholism & financially unreliable) but he has been there for me whenever I've needed him. The thing is, my ex and I have been friends for so long all our friends are connected. If I stop seeing him then I'm not going to be able to hang out with any of my friends. That scares me. I don't like having my life hang on one person. I don't like the fact that my b/f thinks he can tell me who my friends can be, but then it is my ex. I'm very confused. Any advise?
MadDog Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Your current boyfriend knew you were friends with your ex before you two hooked up, right? If that's the case, he has no right to demand that you stop talking to him. This is especially true since your circle of friends are connected to him as well. My advice: tell your boyfriend that you intend to remain friends with your ex and if he doesn't like it, you two don't have to be together. In other words, he can take it or leave it. The main issue here is his insecurity--it's really got nothing to do with you. Nothing annoys me more than someone who is arrogant enough to think that just because they start dating a person, they can then start making demands (e.g. you can't talk to your ex anymore, you can't hang out with your friend anymore, etc). If you aren't comfortable with having a girlfriend that talks to her ex, then you find a girl who doesn't. You don't find a girl who does and then demand she stops. Isn't that ultimately simple? MD
Walk Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 No no no no... bad way to approach it MadDog. Don't give ultimatums. You've reduced yourself to a level of non-communication that will destroy your relationship. You have to be smarter than that. Your bf is having trust issues, insecurity with your continued bond with your ex. Don't exacerbate the situation by issuing your own ultimatum. You're just going to deteriorate the situation further. My suggestion... have a calm, serious talk with your bf about his feelings. Reassure him that he is special to you, that you love him and want to be with him and him alone. Explain that all of your friends are interrelated, and that it is not possible for you to avoid seeing your ex without giving up ALL of your friends, and that you don't believe that is what your bf wants. Then compromise with him. You will have to prove that your ex is not as important as your bf. At this point, you are still in the mind set that your ex is very important to you and that you won't give him up. If that is the case, then decide how important your relationship with your bf is to you. I don't think your bf is being insecure for no reason. I would have a very difficult time if my bf were best friends with his ex. Luckily I don't have to worry about that. Try to place yourself in his shoes for a moment. How would it feel if his ex was his best friend? Would you worry that he still had feelings for her? Would you wonder if because they spent a lot of time together that those old feelings would rekindle? Would it bother you to think that the woman he slept with before you, who knew all of his "O" faces, was laughing and joking around with him while he was out and you weren't there? Try to see this from his side before you get upset at him for being so black and white about the situation. And after you can understand a little of how he feels, then talk to him (calmly) about the situation. Reassure him of your feelings. Attempt to find common ground, an area where the both of you will feel more secure. Where you could still hang out with friends, but that he isn't placed in a situation of feeling helpless with your ex always around you. Forgive your bf for being a jerk this time... he was obviously bottling this up for a while if he blew up about it over something completely unrelated. He probably doesn't want to be jealous or feel insecure, and he screwed up by not talking to you about it earlier. But that doesn't mean you should throw away your relationship by issuing your own ultimatum. And tell your bf to talk to you before these issues become so large next time. This would've been simpler to deal with if he had said something when it first started to bother him.
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