Guest Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Hey everyone, I'm 22 and have been dating my current gf for a little over a year and a half now. Originally everything was fine. We all used to go out and party together, her friends and my friends. We would all go out in a big group and had some of the best times of our lives. This lasted until none of us could afford it anymore and we all realized we were becoming alcoholics. After a few months my gf went to germany to study abroad for the semester. We stayed together and I visited her once while she was gone. However, while she was gone I became a lot closer to some of her friends and to all of my old friends. Unfortunatley my two of my best guy friends went to jail during this time, so most of the people I hung out with were girls. At the time this wasnt a problem. However when she got back from germany she started to get jealous of all my new "girl friends", it wasn't really much of problem at first. We had a couple of unrelated fights and broke up 5 times in one month. These breakups had to nothing to do with my friends. By the time September rolled around again we were on good terms again and our relationship seemed fine. We would go out and party with mostly "my" friends. It worked out perfect for me. I didn't realize however that my gf wasn't having a good time and was begggining to not like going out anymore. To complicate matters, she had graduated from college, while me and my friends were still school. (5 year plan). Soon my gf became ver jealous of all my other "girl friends", she began to really hate it when i would hang out with them, talk to them, IM them. This to me was irrational because i had nothing going on with any of them. One of them was sort of a crush a couple years back but there was no interest on either side now. I just shrugged it off and thought my gf would get over it. But now things have escalated, my gf has gotten into fights with some of my friends. She has told them that she doesnt like them calling me and hanging out with me alone. Now she has even gone so far as to say I'm not allowed to hang out with any of them one on one. And 1 of the girls im not allowed to see ever, even if we are in a group. Obviously my gf is feels threatened, but she has not reason to be. What should I do now. My whole circle of friends have turned on my gf for her irrational behavior. My guy friends hate her, and my girl friends hate her. Nobody wants to hang out with the two of us, and my gf doesnt want to hang out with anyone from our past. This reall sucks all these people are my only friends. My gf has other friends and she likes for us to hang out with them. THis is ok with me once in a while, but I like to hang out with my own friends because I identify with them better and have more fun talking with them. What do i do? All my friends think im crazy for putting up with this girl. My gf thinks I'm crazy for trying to choose friends over her. I love my gf, but this is tearing me up inside. I have this constant battle. My greatest fear is ditching all my friends (which i have done for the past month) and then breaking up with my girlfriend and not having any friends to help me get through it. this just all sucks so much, it keeps up at night and makes me not want to wake up in the morning. Right now im avoiding everyone and have my cell phone turned off.
rude dude Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Hey everyone, I'm 22 and have been dating my current gf for a little over a year and a half now. Originally everything was fine. We all used to go out and party together, her friends and my friends. We would all go out in a big group and had some of the best times of our lives. This lasted until none of us could afford it anymore and we all realized we were becoming alcoholics. After a few months my gf went to germany to study abroad for the semester. We stayed together and I visited her once while she was gone. However, while she was gone I became a lot closer to some of her friends and to all of my old friends. Unfortunatley my two of my best guy friends went to jail during this time, so most of the people I hung out with were girls. At the time this wasnt a problem. However when she got back from germany she started to get jealous of all my new "girl friends", it wasn't really much of problem at first. We had a couple of unrelated fights and broke up 5 times in one month. These breakups had to nothing to do with my friends. By the time September rolled around again we were on good terms again and our relationship seemed fine. We would go out and party with mostly "my" friends. It worked out perfect for me. I didn't realize however that my gf wasn't having a good time and was begggining to not like going out anymore. To complicate matters, she had graduated from college, while me and my friends were still school. (5 year plan). Soon my gf became ver jealous of all my other "girl friends", she began to really hate it when i would hang out with them, talk to them, IM them. This to me was irrational because i had nothing going on with any of them. One of them was sort of a crush a couple years back but there was no interest on either side now. I just shrugged it off and thought my gf would get over it. But now things have escalated, my gf has gotten into fights with some of my friends. She has told them that she doesnt like them calling me and hanging out with me alone. Now she has even gone so far as to say I'm not allowed to hang out with any of them one on one. And 1 of the girls im not allowed to see ever, even if we are in a group. Obviously my gf is feels threatened, but she has not reason to be. What should I do now. My whole circle of friends have turned on my gf for her irrational behavior. My guy friends hate her, and my girl friends hate her. Nobody wants to hang out with the two of us, and my gf doesnt want to hang out with anyone from our past. This reall sucks all these people are my only friends. My gf has other friends and she likes for us to hang out with them. THis is ok with me once in a while, but I like to hang out with my own friends because I identify with them better and have more fun talking with them. What do i do? All my friends think im crazy for putting up with this girl. My gf thinks I'm crazy for trying to choose friends over her. I love my gf, but this is tearing me up inside. I have this constant battle. My greatest fear is ditching all my friends (which i have done for the past month) and then breaking up with my girlfriend and not having any friends to help me get through it. this just all sucks so much, it keeps up at night and makes me not want to wake up in the morning. Right now im avoiding everyone and have my cell phone turned off. So she leaves for a little while and finds you hanging out with girls. Why DO YOU THINK SHE's UP SET. What whould cause that, oh yeah, you hanging out with girls! What kind of a girlfriend would condone that.
amaysngrace Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 she's wrong to make you choose. and your friends probably hate seeing you so depressed. tell her you won't give up your friends, because if you do you may become really dependent on her, and she sounds unstable. not the kind of person you wanna surrender to, ya know? she's gotta get over her insecurities if she expects a grown-up relationship, and if she's not able to compromise with you, then cut your losses and go have fun with your friends.
BeFree Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Rude Dude is right. I'll tell you a little story.....I had a boyfriend in college. (long ago) We hung out with the same crowd. My BGF and my BF took a class together. I thought nothing of it. By the time the class had ended, I had no boyfriend and they were happy and in love. They actually got married. So it really is inappropriate for grown ups in a relationship to have best friends of the oppisite sex that they hang out with as much as you seem to. Perhaps, you are not ready to be in this relationship. Perhaps you need to grow up a little or grow out of this need to hang out with girls. And then explore being in a committed relationship.
amaysngrace Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 they're in college...their last year in college! show me any group of friends who are in college that isn't intertwined with both males and females...IMO, she's forced to 'grow-up' first because she's already graduated and is making too much of her position as professional rather than student. and it's completely unfounded. for her to delegate who he can hang out is just plain WRONG at any stage in a relationship, especially knowing he's not involved with any of the girls more than being friends.
MadDog Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 I'll tell you a little story.....I had a boyfriend in college. (long ago) We hung out with the same crowd. My BGF and my BF took a class together. I thought nothing of it. By the time the class had ended, I had no boyfriend and they were happy and in love. They actually got married. So it really is inappropriate for grown ups in a relationship to have best friends of the oppisite sex that they hang out with as much as you seem to. Perhaps, you are not ready to be in this relationship. Perhaps you need to grow up a little or grow out of this need to hang out with girls. And then explore being in a committed relationship. Doesn't that just mean that your ex wasn't into you if he'd ditch you for your friend? What if you had given him an ultimatum to stop talking to your friend? Do you think in that case it'd be you two that are happily married today? I don't think it works that way. There's nothing immature about having friends of the opposite sex. In fact it's far less mature to tell your significant other that they can't hang out with people of the opposite sex because you're afraid they'll hook up. If they do hook up, that just means you had a pretty expendable relationship. MD
hyakku Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Break it off. She's making you miserable. She's making your friends miserable. You are not having fun. If you are not having fun, why put yourself through it? There are another 3Billion+ women out there, start looking.
BlahBlahQueen Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 In my humble opinion, your girlfriend is an insecure, controlling Jekyll-and-Hyde shrew and it can only get worse. She waited until she knew you were attached to her, until she knew she had you by the balls, and then she flipped the script. There's a reason for the old mantra "bros before hoes". They'll likely be your friends for a much longer time than she'll be your girlfriend. You NEVER ditch your friends for some chick unless the friends are truly negative people. Which doesn't seem like your case at all. Either lay down the law or find someone more reasonable and less psycho. You don't have to OBEY her, you know. You're not her little bitch. If she doesn't like it, she can shove it. I'm sure she's not stupid enough to dump you over it, she's just trying to see how much of a squeeze she can put on your gonads. And if she does dump you, screw it. You wouldn't have wanted to spend the rest of your life that way anyway. To everyone who replied to him: she's not letting him hang out with his male friends either!
Walk Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 I think if the guy was showing his gf she's special, and meeting her needs and desires, then she might not have such a problem with who his friends were. (Assuming she's a rational human being) But if he's not doing those things for her that shows her he really loves her and wants to be with her, then I could see her getting incredibly upset that he would spend time alone with other female friends. Having said this... it sounds to me like your relationship has deteriorated to the point that it's not worth saving. She's beyond insecure now and I seriously doubt that there is anything you could do to reinstill that trust that was lost without some extreme effort on your part. And from your post, you don't sound like you want to. And I'd be pissed too if i came back to find my bf had been hanging out with all my female friends the entire time I'd been gone. Especially since you hadn't been friends with them before. You broke her trust. I think she's gone over board in her jealousy and distrust, but you are not blamless in this situation. Realize that your actions did not show dedication to her and the relationship. How would you feel if you had left and come back to find your gf best buddies with all your male friends? Hanging out with them alone while you were gone? Having a great time without you around... Just end the relationship. Go hang out with your friends. The two of you are not anywhere close to the same page in life. The two of you are too intrentched in your view points to see the others side, and therefore cannot comprimise on this. You can end the relationship, or wait until it dies a long and terrible death.
BeFree Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Doesn't that just mean that your ex wasn't into you if he'd ditch you for your friend? What if you had given him an ultimatum to stop talking to your friend? Do you think in that case it'd be you two that are happily married today? I don't think it works that way. There's nothing immature about having friends of the opposite sex. In fact it's far less mature to tell your significant other that they can't hang out with people of the opposite sex because you're afraid they'll hook up. If they do hook up, that just means you had a pretty expendable relationship. MD The point was that her fears could be justified. If you are at a point in your life were you still need to hang out with a bunch of girls, and she is not willing to accept that, then it's time to break up. You are not in the same place in your lives. College can be a fun time, and clearly you want to enjoy it. So go and enjoy it and let her know you hope she finds someone who can meet her needs. Neither of you are wrong, just wrong for eachother.
prfrogkisser Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 This sounds like an O.C episode. I understand your girlfriends concern regarding her behavior. Put youself in her place for a second. All was great before you left and then once she gets back you have a lot of female friends. She has been away and because of the distance she has become insecure and controlling. It seems there is no trust. Sadly I have to say once the trust is gone it's very difficult to maintain a good relationship. She shouldnt make you choose. This is a very bad situation and you need to realize who is more important to you. A jealous insecure girlfriend or female friends. You need to put all of them in a balance and its up to you to decide which one you value or appreciate more. My personal opinion is the girlfriend drama is not worth it. Friendships last forever. Girlfriends and boyfriends are like trying on shoes. You have to keep trying some on until you get the perfect one that fits;)
country gal Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 I am a female and I think its fine that you have female friends. In fact, I think its quite healthy to have a mix of both gender friends. Her having a problem with that is her issue. She is most definately in the wrong for making you choose. A relationship should help a person grow, not restrict them. IF you are sure taht you want to stick with this... and i would think about it real hard.... then i would have a sit down with her. First I would try and validate her concerns and what it might be like for her... then calmly point out that you have chosen her. Then I would try to calmly get her to talk about her fears concerning this issue - what EXACTLY is she afraid is giong to happen? who exactly does she not trust? Maybe that'll help her see that her fears are irrational. I would also not be afraid to discuss how her behavior had made you feel ... untrusted, hurt, and angry. - but be sure to start wiht a validation of her feelings (and do so througout). I'm not saying its giong to fix anything b/c it sounds like things have gone pretty far and she's pretty set. but worth a shot.... tahts if you have put that thought in like I said! ps. i'm also a little concerned about your communicatin... why didnt she know before she got back that your friends were girls? that could be a big piece of her freak-out...
EnigmaXOXO Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 You know, although I'm rather fond of my partner's male buddies, I could never imagine getting so comfy with any of them to the point where I was making personal phone calls or spending one-on-one time hanging out with them in his absence. Nor would it feel appropriate to go out of my way to remain in continued contact with any of them even if something should ever happen between us and we went our separate ways. Similarly, while my gal pals really find John a likeable guy, none of them would ever cross that line of friendship by encouraging a more personal one-on-one relationship with him outside the context of us as a couple. Nor is my partner the kind of guy who would try to establish a more intimate connection with one of my friends outside, apart , and separate from me. There are just some unspoken boundaries between couples and their friends in common that should be respected. The idea of crossing those invisible lines can make a lot of folks feel uncomfortable. I'm sure if your girlfriend were making personal phone calls and/or visiting your male buddies in jail without you…you might start questioning her behavior as well. For lack of a better term … it's just plain icky.
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