insomnie Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. Yesterday was my birthday, and he didn't get me anything, nor did he spend any time with me. He said that he was busy with studying for tests, and that he was sorry and would make it up to me later. However, I know him pretty well and I know that he won't. He's already asked me if it was ok that he not get me anything - I said yes - what else *could* I have said? And today he is out celebrating his brother's birthday, and he's already made plans to play video games with his friends on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Now, we have a good relaitosnhip and he's a good boyfriend when it comes to major thigns (like, would make great father, would never cheat, etc.), and I am not so shallow and materialistic that I don't understand that gifts/ wining and dining = love, but...I look around at other couples our age (we are 20) and with the same level of commitment, and frankly, I'm a little jealous and wonder if I'm not selling myself short. I wish he would do something special for me just ONCE. I mean, he didn't get me anything for Christmas, either, until I mentioned that it bothered me that he took time to find all his fmaily gifts but not me (and then I did get soemthing - in mid-Janurary), nor did we do anything for Valentine's day. He did call me yesterday evening and asked if I wanted to come over, but in the same breath told me he'd be studying but I could hang around if I wanted to. I said no thanks beucase my gay best friend had already made plans for us to go out and I felt it woudln't have been fair to me or the gay best friend for me to ditch him last minute just because boyfriend called to let me know that if I wanted to, I could come over and watch him study (or, more likely, watch him play computer games/ talk to his buddies on AIM). Fact that I "chose" gay best friend over him seemed to upset boyfriend, and I ended up kind of apologizing...but I am a little angry now at the whole situation, at him never taking the time to show me I mean something to him. I understand that he was busy that day, and in no way do I expect him to put me before schoolwork, but he *could* have eaten dinner with me or something, or made plans for later on. And, I KNOW there is no plan for anything special in the coming week - trust me on this one. He IS a good boyfriend day to day and I know he loves me, but I wish he were a little more romantic. I guess I am posting to see if I am overreacting at the situation and to gain insight on how other people would feel.
agnf666 Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Well... Seeing that you guys have been together for a year and a half means that things are well in some areas... You guys have been together long enough that I think that you need to tell him that you wish he would be a little less predictable and do something different for a change... Since this bothers you it can make things in your relationship worse... Do you get him things on the holidays/birthdays??? Have you maybe said lets celebrate christmas or valentines day???
MadDog Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I think doing something for your girlfriend on her birthday, christmas, and valentine's day is pretty much a requirement. I mean he couldn't even take you out to dinner for your birthday at least? I'm sure he's gotta eat and that only takes 2 hours or so. I'm surprised you're so understanding. That's pretty hot. Hehe. So in other words, I think most girls in your situation would be pissed and have a right to be. As a guy, you can't be asked "Hey man, what did you do with your girl for Valentine's Day" and legitimately answer, "Nothing." That's pretty crazy. MD
agnf666 Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 She has all rights to be pissed... I can't believe this has gone on this long... So, you been with him this long and he has got you nothing on holidays and birthdays... it's time to speak up...
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I was going to say maybe birthday's aren't a big deal - But the fact he's out with his brother kinda defeats what I was going to say. He DID tell you he'd celebrate it another time with you - SO hold him to that. And, he also told you he was sorry. The fact he kinda hinted 'is it okay if I don't get you anything...' left the door open for YOU to take the bull by the horn and say, "Duh, what do YOU think??? I'm your girlfriend! Ofcourse I'd like a present or atleast flowers!" You have to speak up as well! He isn't a mind reader...If you want something, TALK to him about it. If this whole thing is upsetting you, sit down and have an honest, calm talk about it and tell him how it makes you feel. This is a two-way street and I think if you open the doors and make the first big effort, he'll will try harder. Tell him what some of your needs are and wait to see it in action. Words are nice, but action means alot too. Seems like a good guy, so you say...But realize too, he is a GUY and their minds work differently than women's do.
Becoming Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I'd not only be offended, I'd think he really didn't think as much of me as he does his family and friends. Tell him this, lay it all out rationally. But WWIU is right: you have to tell him and quit hiding yourself from him.
Author insomnie Posted March 10, 2006 Author Posted March 10, 2006 Whichwayisup, you are probably right about communication. I think he is just pretty lazy and since I don't get angry like maybe other girls would he thinks it's ok for him to act the way he's been acting. BTW I did get him somethign for Christmas and his birthday, not anything big but I did put a lot of thought into his gifts. Nothing for Valentine's day becuase we agreed that woudl be consumerwhoreish. I don't feel very bad about us ignoring V-day but it seems most other people in relaitonships don't. He is very good to me in other areas but when my girlfriends ask me questions like what did he get you and I answer nothing...they are horrified and that makes me feel like I am not as valued in my relaitonship as they are in theirs. Even my mom, who loves him, was upset... He got his entire family Christmas gifts on time but wiht me it was ok to be a month late and only get soemthign after I asked... he is out wiht his brohter today which I think goes to show that it isn't that he feels birthdays are not important... If I spoke up about this he WOULD feel very guilty, would probably get me something and take me out, so I don't htink it's that he's trying to hurt me, so there MUST be some lack of communication but I would just feel crappy if I had to ask for something every time a major holiday rolled around. I thought with Christmas he'd gotten the hint...
Art_Critic Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 he is showing you his lack of commitment to you..Plain and Simple No excuse for a play like this.. This is him saying he doesn't want a commited relationship with you.. I think it is time for one of those "Honey we need to talk about us " talks that you women are so famous for.. talk with him and find out where he sits on the relationship fence...I think he might be on the other side
SoleMate Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 I'm not sure I'd even bother with the talk. It's one thing if he just isn't into birthday celebrations and presents - but that's not the case here. His brother rates, and you don't. The fact that he does not appear to be deliberately putting you last is interesting, but ultimately irrelevant. He just doesn't have much space in his head to wonder about whether he is doing everything he can to gladden your heart. I think it's time to raise your expectations and start interviewing replacements.
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 You don't have to get angry with him, just tell him that it hurts! That he didn't put any thought into your birthday, or even think that flowers would be a really sweet thing to do. He is lazy and hasn't put much thought into you. I'm betting though, he DOES have feelings for you...Just maybe he isn't one to express it in action as much as he should. So, don't write him off, just give him a little nudge... When you talk to him, don't make him feel bad. Understand and sympathize abit - Meaning, just say I know most men can't read our minds, but it would really mean alot to me if you ... (then put in what your needs are...) Also, don't expect TOO much from him that way you won't be disappointed. Because you put alot of effort into getting him great gifts doesn't mean he'll do the same. To tell you the truth my husband is pretty awful at buying me things that he thinks I'd want. So, I tell him. He knows the usual stuff, my perfume, a new set of flannel sheets for the bed...Kitchen stuff etc. Have to admit, you're letting him get away with alot. Being a month late for an Xmas gift is just plain crappy and rude. If you tell him how that makes you feel, he WILL respond to that. If you make him feel defensive, then it will probably piss him off...So, it all depends on how you make the approach. Speak from your heart and you can't go wrong. Keep posting and let us know how things go!
ddnnee Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 as a guy, i gotta say some girls expect too much from a guy. first off, this guy probably his priorities set. Brother's birthday is more important than girlfriend because brother is family. Secondly, being in a relationship usually means the guy belongs to the girl with 0 time to himself. This guy has set aside time to spend time with his friends. Anyway if I were the boyfriend, i would split my time up evenly between family, school, work, girlfriend(s) and friends (both being on the same priority) with priorities in order. I say you grow up a bit and learn that some people may have priorites set and such. also note that it is not required to buy your gf anything and if you expect something from him during these holidays, then you are just a gold digger/materialist. Then again, if you feel he neglects you too often and is too busy with his current life, then let him go and find someone else who is willing to satisfy your christmas tree and has the time and day for you. I've observed other couples just as you have and notice some couples work harder. the reason is some of these couples involve sex. Usually and is true for this one couple, the girl holds out on sex and only gives it up when the guy takes her to eat or buys her presents. He doesn't notices this directly but was mentally conditioned to buy her stuff for sex like a salivating dog seeing meat. This couple is NOT married. The other couple IS married is the guy is totally controlled by sex. He has to take his wife out to romantic dinners if he ever wish to see sex. he claims he only has sex once a week and he's married 2 years @ age 25, wife = age 23. If you want anything from your current bf, then you have to push for it. Ask him to go out for dinners, ask him for presents. He maybe just clueless, just like most guys.
Walk Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 My ex didn't get me anything for valentines day or my birthday the last year we were together. I wasn't even asking for a gift, just something to show that he cared... like doing the dishes that evening, or wanting to give me a back massage. He knew I had expected something... yet he still didn't get me anything. I think your bf knows he should've done something for you. By him asking if it was okay if he didn't get you anything, it proves he knew this. And when you said it was okay that he didn't, it didn't excuse him for not doing anything with you. I wouldn't be mad about the no gift thing, but I'd feel like I wasn't important to him, that maybe the relationship wasn't important to him. It takes constant effort and dilligence to keep a relationship going, and when you skip out on the important days, it gives message of not giving a sh*t. After my ex "forgot" v-day, I talked to him about how it made me feel, and different ways that he could show me I was important that didn't cost any money and took very little time. Things that would be important to me, but didn't take much effort on his part. I didn't want the gifts, just a little effort on his part once in a great while. Then my bday rolled around, and I got nothing. I talked to him again... same result. So when his birthday rolled around.... I got him nothing. Didn't even mention his bday. Said I forgot. Pulled the same thing he did to me on him. And he had the audacity to be hurt and whine about it for the next several weeks. I finally correlated the situation to him by explaining that this is what he had been doing to me for over a year... The next vday, he did make me a gifts. which was sweet, but there were more serious problems by then. His actions are going to cause you a lot of resentment over time. They already have. You need to talk to him about this. Explain to him what his actions are saying, and how you feel about it. The important thing is not to get upset, but to stay calm and discuss it with him. But I would suggest that if the next holiday/event rolls around and he doesn't get you anything, or spend time with you, then it's probably time to find someone who places you a little higher on the importance scale then he does. If he doesn't value you enough to even want to spend an hour with you on your bday, then what will he do if you are seriously sick, or if you truly need his help? Unless he's already proven that he's been there for you in the past, and has shown that when you really need him he's there, (consistently) then I would seriously doubt his desire to be in this relationship. And start thinking about what you really need and want in a relationship.
nicki Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Yup, count me in. I agree with what everyone else is saying here. Just want to add, bad boyfriend = crappy husband. It's okay that he may need a little training, but he has to respond and WANT to make you happy. And for your part, you must communicate. Practice before you talk to him. Bottom line it. Start by saying what you are observing, then tell him how you interpret that, how it makes you feel. Then tell him what you want him to do. For instance, "Honey, I didn't get anything from you for my birthday. It made me feel unloved, like I'm not important to you. I want you to buy little gifts for me, especially on holidays. It will make me feel special and loved. OKay? What do you think? Can we agree to do this for each other?" Then see how he responds. You want a partner who will listen patiently and talk to you, not get defensive. Don't worry about pissing him off or making him break up with you. Don't placate him out of fear. He will respect you more if you stand up for yourself. And he will leave you if he wants to. You can leave him, too. Get over that fear (I had to, also.) You will only have a good relationship if you reduce that worry to a healthy level, and it is good to have a bit of that to keep us on our toes. Just not too much that we hide ourselves and our feelings. I really understand this. I have felt like this, too. Speak up. Expect more if you want it.
Author insomnie Posted March 11, 2006 Author Posted March 11, 2006 Hi you all! Thanks a lot for your responses, all very good advice! An update: I called him Thursday evening and he sounded annoyed to hear form me and told me he was still hanging out with the brother and would call me when he was done. I waited around until 11, then went over to a friend's to watch a movie (I'm on Spring Break!) He called...11:30ish and sounded annoyed that I wasn't available...but am I really supposed to keep myself available for when it is convenient for him? The next day (today) we went to eat...he was kind of in a bad mood and seemed angry that I wasn't being as loving as I usually am. Ijust asn't in the mood, though. Made no mention of fact that he had ignored me the night before and the day before that....I kept getting more and more annoyed. We went back to my place and he settled on my bed and started watching bad TV....I was filled with so many things to say but didn't know how to approach them without sounding like a spoiled bratty 12 year old. I went online to check my email while he was there...rude I know but he does that ALL the time when I hang out at his place...and he got annoyed and left. The entire occasion was marked with miscommunication and disconnection and...pent up bitterness/ anger from both sides. But, with the way he behaved toward me yesterday, being annoyed at me for no reason on the phone and ignoring me ....it made me think about our relationship in greater depth, and that made me more and more angry. He puts his friends way way way before me. In 1.5 years we have seen one movie togehter... ONE....because us spending *time* together equates to my hanging around his apartment, usually sitting on the floor next to his desk while he screws around online. He spends every minute of his free time with his friends or brother, calls me only when he has other things to do and wants to multitask by spending time with me. He tells me he loves me and wants to marry me but frankly I don't see on what basis. He woud never cheat or beat me or anything...and he tells me this...but I don't think I should stay and praise just for that. I mean, that's a cynical way to look at love when you've just turned 20. We also don't seem to have much in common in the way of interests even after a year and a half...maybe this has to do with the fact that all our time is spent doing different thigns in the same room. I don't know. I consider taking a break from him every week, but have never gotten the guts to do it because I fear that soul-drenching sadness and regret I would inevitably feel. I also feel like I am overreacting, but he really doesn't seem very interested in making me happy...I've mentioned I watned to do more things with him, and he's told me we will, but when it comes down to it he always makes excuses....he'll spend a weekend with his friends and when I finally see him Sunday evening he is spent and worried about unfinished homework...
MadDog Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 It really sounds like he's taking you for granted and the bad thing about that is, it's only going to get worse as time goes by. You're only 20. You shouldn't stay with him just because you're afraid you'll miss him. You should be with someone that makes you feel appreciated and who you enjoy being around. It just doesn't seem like you're having any fun at all at this point. Taking a break at least seems like a good idea. MD
Citizen Erased Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 insomnie you are only 20 and this is just not something which you should have to deal with! I know that it is not his lack of gift-giving or whatever, but the total disregard of your feelings. You have mentioned he puts his friends and family above you constantly. Fair enough if it was a one month old relationship, but after a year and a half, and you thinking of marriage, the excuse just does not cut it! What? He has to marry you before you are important enough to spend your own birthday with him? Did he spend any time with you at all the whole day? Did he call you to say happy Bday? Does he do anything which at all seems like he cares? From the sounds of things, you are staying with him because you are afraid of being alone and making a mistake. I think you are making a bigger mistake being with someone you frequently think of having a break from! This has been the last straw but what will it actually take for you to gain the courage to take that break so you can look at the relationship and measure its worth? We will all be here for you which evr path you choose, as will your family and friends, I just hope you begin to think of your future happiness not what you think the easiest path is.
Mary3 Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 He sounds : Incredibly cheap Very insenstive Extremely selfish How is the affection ( and I am not referring to the foreplay prior to sex ) Does he hug and kiss you alot just *because* ? He sounds like an insensitive jerk ! By him saying " Hey I wasn't planning on getting you anything for your birthday , is that okay ? " That is just rude ! Me , I could NOT be with someone who put me in last place ALL the time. Some things are excusable but EVERY special holiday you are blown off ? Nah nah. I would dump his as* Construct a letter and post it here if you like , we can give you pointers. Then hand it to him and walk out. He does not deserve the conversing or the consideration he has NOT been giving you. Art Critic said it best : He is not committed to you, He's not acting like he is at all. Nuff said.. Dump him. Pronto ! And find a GOOD guy that will treat you special. No excuse he can GIVE is going to be good enough.
BlahBlahQueen Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 In 1.5 years we have seen one movie togehter... ONE....because us spending *time* together equates to my hanging around his apartment, usually sitting on the floor next to his desk while he screws around online. He spends every minute of his free time with his friends or brother, calls me only when he has other things to do and wants to multitask by spending time with me. He tells me he loves me and wants to marry me but frankly I don't see on what basis. he'll spend a weekend with his friends and when I finally see him Sunday evening he is spent and worried about unfinished homework... Sounds like a typical pretend-relationship of youth. You're only together by default. No actual emotion, no consideration, no dedication, no communication, no connection, no common interests, no nothing. Just two kids getting together and playing house. I'm guessing he says he loves you and wants to marry you because it's the proper cliche - because the actual words don't really mean anything and he doesn't understand the seriousness of marriage. Your relationship is not real. He's content with it being that way; that's fine and dandy. You obviously want something real in your life. Ditch this waste of time and find someone who actually wants to be with you in every sense of the word. You stay with him mostly just because you want a boyfriend, don't you? He can't possibly be the only guy on Earth who's willing to call you his girlfriend.
flavius Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 How complicated is this anyway? Go back and re-read the BlahBlahQueen's reply one last time. Then go to his place and collect any belongings you may have left there. Then go home. This is not even a situation that merits breaking up -- he simply is not a boyfriend.
MadDog Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 Easy there everyone. I notice a lot of agression towards insomnie here but we've all been there before. It's not like we all started knowing everything about relationships, right? In fact most of us aren't experts on relationships which is why we're here in the first place. Responding this way to her is only going to make her feel badly which isn't the goal here. I'm sure to her their relationship is real and she has some emotional investment in it. Insomnie, don't let people on here make you feel badly about your situation--most people have been there once or twice. I agree that you deserve better than the guy you're with. You should try taking a break and maybe even dating other guys to get a little more experience. Good luck. MD
BlahBlahQueen Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 I'm sure to her their relationship is real and she has some emotional investment in it. Yes, to her, of course it's real. But objectively, not at all. And I'm not being aggressive. I'm trying to help the chick out. She's wasting energy, emotion, and some of the best years of her life.
ConfusedSensitiveGuy Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 Maybe he just doesn't have the funds and feels bad. Hence not wanting to see you for a few days.
fraidycat Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 If we were together that long and he wouldn't spend time with on my birthday..I'd drop him like he's hooot..drop him like he's hoot..drop him cuz I could find someone who cares. Then again maybe he does care and love you it's just this is how he specifically is..can you be happy and satisfied with that? I won't lie- I couldn't be. It would drive me nuts.
konfuzd Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 I hate to put this on you, but I've been in this very same situation before. When a girl is too laid back, and doesn't seem to get angry at anything, guys often take this as an open invitation to treat you poorly. The reason he didn't do anything special for you is that he knew he could get away with it. Unfortunately, it is in the nature of many guys to only put in as much effort as needed to keep you around. If you think you deserve better, you must speak up for yourself. I wouldn't immediately drop this guy as some other posters have suggested, but instead look at yourself, and how many other things you let slide that many other girls would get upset by. Bring it up now, while you're still thinking rationally about it. Talk about what your expectations as his girlfriend, and potentially a member of his family...
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