Shan Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Hey, I was browsing the internet and this website seemed like it might help me. I read a few stories by people who were in love with their best friends, and I know this must be an overused topic, but of coarse, everyone's story is different, and needs individual advice...This is a really long story, I'd be so happy if someone actually read all of it. So, I'll try to start from the beginning, because our history together might contribute to your opinion. I had been in CCD classes since kindergarden, and in the 5th grade, a new student, let's call him Will, joined my class. He used to stare at me, and back then, I didn't like him at all, but I could tell that he probably had a crush on me. In the 7th and 8th grade, we both went to the same middle school, so we became good friends, but his immaturity annoyed me, and I didn't want to become more than friends. I'm not positive if he liked me or not, it has been way too long, but I remember being positive that he did, back then. But eventually, at one point I got so annoyed that I broke off our friendship. He used to call me every day, sometimes 5 times a day, and he was very clingly. He told me that it was because he was lonely, but I used to just take it as his excuse to call and annoy me. (I didn't know until much later that his father passed away in the 5th grade, so he was home alone all the time and wanted to call me so he would have someone to talk to. A lot of the time, we would sit in the phone in silence, and I would want to go, but he would say "No! Don't hang up!") He used to hit me playfully, too, but I didn't like it, especially since I would get hit a lot at home, and I took it as something totally negative, and it made me uncomfortable. Also, once we went to a summer play together where people we knew would be there, and while we were going in, he ran ahead of me, and when I asked him why, he said "I don't want people thinking we're on a date or something!" That really hurt my feelings. I had had crushes on him on and off throughout the years. I can't even remember if he was single at the point, but and after that, combined with the clingyness and annoying things he did, I really started to hate him. During the 8th grade, he "went out" with a lot of my close girlfriends, but in middle school, "going out" is really only holding hands and MAYBE hanging out with a group of people. I asked my friend, let's call her Lily, about it recently, and she was telling me that when her and Will went out, they never did anything, and all they did was fight. I pushed him away, and I didn't even talk to him for about two years. But he was trying to become friends with me again- complimenting me and everything, and Lily told me that he had changed, and asked me to hang out with the both of them, because she was trying to maintain her friendship with him after they broke up, but felt uncomfortable being alone. So, after we hung out together, I saw that she was right- that he had changed in a lot of ways. So, after that, Will and I started to talk a little bit online, and he asked me to hang out with him and his friend "Darcy" the first week of the summer after sophomore year. In those two years, Will had grown handsome, and wasn't as annoying and immature as he had been. I had just asked out a really popular senior who hardly knew me, only because I thought he might be interested in going out with me, but I was rejected, and I was feeling stupid for attempting to ask out someone like that, especially when I was only a sophomore. I know that it wasn't fair to Will in the least- the fact that he was sort of someone to rebound- and that he was so much cuter than he used to be, he might think that I had a crush on him only because of that. I'm not saying that he's drop-dead goregous, but he just looks a lot better than he used to. But he is really funny, and we had a lot in common. So I asked him out in an e-mail, and he said that he didn't see me that way, and that he didn't want a girlfriend just then, and wanted to stay friends. I said that I understood. I got over it eventually, but during that summer, we started to hang out constantly. We would chat on AIM for hours, call each other at least 3 times a week, hang out every single weekend, sometimes Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday. 'We even went on the same summer vacation for the weekend. When school started, and a long weekend would come up, he would say "Let's hang out every single day!" We opened up to each other- I hadn't been able to open up to someone so much before. We told each other our secrets, our pasts, problems, and dreams of the future. Once, I said something about us getting married in a joking way, and he jumped right into it. We started to talk about what our kids would look like, how my mom would be as a mother-in-law, how we would raise them, and we talked about it for maybe 2 hours. And a lot of times, when we were hanging out, we would lock eyes for a while, and have dreamy looks with each other. Other times, he would purposely reach over me, or if our hands touched by accident, we would let them linger there for a minute. But other times, if we were watching a movie or playing a video game on his couch, he would scooch farther away, or say "Why do you sit so close?!" I thought about that, asked people, and even read something on it, and they said that maybe he was afraid that since we were alone, that things might have gone too far if we kissed, and he wasn't ready for that to happen. (We never kissed before, btw) Once he invited me out to lunch and to hang out, and it was just the two of us, and he payed for it. It felt so much like a date, and he smiled dreamily at me part of the time, and we had fun joking and talking. I wanted to say, "This is like a date, huh?" but I was too nervous. Once, I wore a golden band on my ring finger when I was hanging out with him at the mall. My mom got angry, saying that it looked like I was married. My little brother agreed, saying "It looks like you two are married!" and Will just smiled, as if he was thinking about something, and just said "We're too young to get married." But soon after that, my mom would get angry at our hanging out so much. She would mock his hair, (he dyed it black), and the earrings in his ear, and she said that he was obsessed with me, and couldn't understand how I went from hating him years before and liking him now. She called him my boyfriend, even though we never became more than friends. When I told him some of the things she said, he got upset, and started to really dislike my mom, but we continued to hang out anyway. One night, I had a fever, and I had wanted to ask Will out again. It had been so long since I had asked him the first time, and everything just seemed so perfect. I was a little delerius, but I called him just so I could get it out. He sounded like he was in a bad mood when I called, but I finally blurted out, "Do you ever think of us as being more than friends?" He stopped sounded angry, and said "No" really softly. "Why?" I asked. "What's wrong with me?..." "Nothing's wrong with you!" he said. "There must be something wrong," I said. "There's nothing wrong with you. And it's not like I'm seeing anyone else, I just like being friends better than boyfriend and girlfriend," he told me. "Oh, well...that's fine." I lied. I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. If I hadn't had the fever, I would have asked him more, and tried to talk it out, but I was too over-emotional and I couldn't think straight. After that, we still hung out, but things started to heat up between me and my mom. We have never had the perfect relationship, but after I told her that he said "no" to me (I was upset, I didn't think anything through.) She hate him even more, saying "How can a guy spend so much time with a girl and not want to go out with her?!" And she wanted me to spend even less time with him, and not to call him as much. But we would get into fights over other things, and as I mentiond earlier, she has always been very violent with me throughout my whole life. I was supposed to go over Will's house on a Saturday with his friend Ben. A huge fight broke loose at my house that morning, and I had to call Will and cancel, but I was starting to cry over the phone. He could sense that there was something wrong, and kept asking what had happened. "There was a fight," I said, but I didn't explain it in detail, I didn't want to let him hear me cry. I called him back later on when I calmed down, and explained what had happened. He didn't know that my mom was that bad behind closed doors, and he kept telling me that he was worried, and I said "I want to see you, I'm sorry that we didn't hang out today, can we hang out tomorrow?" So, he canceled plans that he had with Darcy and her sister so he could see me. He never hung out with Ben, either. That night, I yelled at my mom, saying how DYFS was going to get involved, and that her treatment to us could get her in trouble and maybe removed if she didn't stop, and we were just fighting a lot that night.... When he came over the next day, his eyes looked pink, as if he had been crying, and he looked very worried. My dad took us to the movies, and Will and I eventually cheered up. But once we got back to my house, my mom was yelling at all of us, telling us that she was going to ruin our careers, and that she was going to tell the police that we threatened to kill her. (She might be evaluated for mental illness pretty soon) After that, he never came over again. My mom refused to let me see him at all, called him all sorts of names, blaming all of our family problems on him, even down to my older brother's procrastination on SAT's. I didn't tell Will all of the things she said, because I don't want to hurt him even more than he was already. During Christmas break, I was an emotional wreck, but during our time apart, I realized that I didn't only have a crush on Will, but that I was in love with him. He understands how I feel about things, accepted the baggage I was carrying, made me feel great about myself, we have the same religious beliefs and morals, agree on politics, and we never get tired of talking or spending time together. I can imagine spending the rest of my life with him. We are such a great team. I want to be so much more of a better parent that my mom was, and I feel like with him, I can do it. (I don't plan on having kids any time soon, but it's just something I think about a lot.) I didn't realize until I spent so much time with him that I could actually be that happy. The time I spent with him was the first time I could confidently say I was happy to be alive. I love him so much, I'm about to cry as I'm typing this. We havn't been able to hang out for 3 months, and things got a little akward between us up until just a week or two ago. But I have been thinking about him for these past 3 months. Not a day goes by where I don't think about him, what has happened, and what might happen in the future. I know that with so many things going on with DYFS, that I can't have a boyfriend at all right now, and there is the fact that my mom hates him, and we don't have cars or jobs, yet, either. It's impossible for us to be together. I know that it's impossible, but I still hope so much that one day, when we both go to college together (We both planned on doing that a while ago. He even offered to let me live with him and his mom once, but when I tried to take him up on it, he said that it was only one of those 'wouldnt-it-be-nice' jokes, and that it would be 'too complicated.') I recently got contacts, and I've been losing weight, and Will and I started to talk more again, and we've started talking online all the time again. It feels almost like old times, but I wonder if he will ever see me as any more than just a friend. But did he think of me that way before, and I just missed my opportunity? Would a guy REALLY spend that much time with one girl, say and do all those things, and not be in love with her? If he starts to like me, is it only because I became more beautiful than I was before? But then again, I didn't start to like him until after he became more handsome, too. Maybe he's just afraid of commitment. But what we had was like a commitment- we hardly hung out with anyone else, and we loved each other's company. We were really like a couple already. We had everything to qualify us as a couple, we just hadn't gotten physical or made it official that we were "going out", or that we liked each other. (If he did/does.) Right now, I feel like I should just let us stay good friends like we have become again, and wait until I graduate for me to start worrying if we'll become a couple or not. Even if he starts to date another girl in my stead, (even though it would hurt) I don't expect him to be a prude and wait for me just because I have to be one. It IS kind of scary, at the age of 16, to think of spending the rest of my life having sex with only one person, and if we were to try it and it wouldnt work out, it would ruin one of the best friendships ever, and we could never get that back. I mean, there are so many things that he could be afraid of. Does he just need time, or is it really possible that he just sees me as a sister or something? I really love him, but should I try to move on? If he only needs time, why didn't he tell me so? But in the phone convorsation, he never said that he didn't see my that way, he only said that he liked being friends better. My mom's disaproval could also be to blame. He could have realized that both of us taking the next step would make my mom angrier. Please give your opinion. I know that no one can answer what he's thinking, but I'd like to hear your opinion on if you think we can ever become more than friends. If you read this whole story, thank you so much. -Shan
MadDog Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 He sees you as his friend. Why is it so hard to understand that a guy can want to be your close friend without being in love with you? It sounds like you two have relied on each other for emotional support throughout the years. As a result he may feel like he "needs" you but that doesn't mean that he necessarily wants you two to be a couple. You sound like a pretty dramatic chick so I doubt this story is even halfway through but for the sake of your sanity and his, try to back off a little bit. Don't call him demanding what's wrong with you because he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. You should really treat him like a good friend because that's what he's been to you this whole time--a good friend. MD
agnf666 Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 UnfortunatlyThe only thing the both of you will ever be is good friends... I think he may have liked you a long time ago but you didn't act on it... So, what you need to do is just be good friends with him. That's it... Basically, What I would do is continue your friendship... If down the road something may happen then it will happen. You can't force someone to be with you. Don't ask him anymore... Just let it be... In the meantime, work on trying to go out with some other guys...
Author Shan Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 Thanks for your opinion, and this is for the first opinion too- I backed off about it after the second time I asked him, before all the problems were happening. I havn't brought it up since then, and I'm trying to keep just a good frienship. I figured that if things changed, I would let him be the first one to say something, not me. I just think about it a lot. It just hurts when I feel like I found the ONE and he doesn't like me that way...I'm happy to at least be friends with him, and I thought about moving on to other guys, but I can't date anyone at all right now with my family problems going on. I'm not going to push it on him, I'm going to let things happen, if it's meant to be, it will be. I just wanted to know if anyone thought it had potential. But so far, I guess not. Thanks, though.
agnf666 Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 You never know it might have potential it might not... but trying to push it is going to push him away.... Just go with the flow of things...
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