energygirlky Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 I have been in a very strange situation as well. My MM recently told his W about me, but not the whole truth. He left out the fact that he is in love with me. They have been married for 16 years and together for 20 years, no children. When our relationship developed into deep love, he knew he had to do something. Either leave her or give me up. He has a very stong sense of loyalty to his W and he does love her and does not want to hurt her more than he has to. I am realistic that he might not leave her. He has agreed to counseling, but only to please his W and sister. They feel he is having a mid-life crisis and I am just a "fling". To make matters worse, he is my boss. So, unfortunately cutting off complete communication with him is not possible until I find another job. He does not want me to quit yet. I will have to quit if we end up together and I will want to quit if he stays with his wife. I will not stay and watch them work on things. We have decided to not see each other so he can work on his life and do the right thing. He is not asking me to wait on him, however he tells me that he is in love with me and he knows that his marriage cannot be saved. He tells me that I am the person he wants to be with and he hopes that I am still around when he officially does end things. I talked about moving away and he has asked me not to do that. But it is tough being so close to him. I am afraid I will weaken and see him. I have seen other men through all of this. I have never made him any commitments, because obviously he has not made one to me. However, because he knows that I am dating other men and he hates it, it has forced him to hurry up his decision to figure out his life. I am waiting on him in some ways and that is what hurts so much. I do want him in my life!
MsColorado Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 Don't go to the concert. It's demeaning to you. A man that lied to you and let you fall in love with him even though he was married to another, bought the tickets for you and so in effect, is buying you. You don't need that. You may have to put off seeing the artist until another time but you'll at least have your dignity and you'll respect yourself a lot more! It'll be much sweeter when you do finally get to see the concert knowing you gave that gift to yourself!!!!!! I know in one of your past posts you mentioned a book by Dr. James Dobson - big man here in Colorado - I can assure you he'd be telling you NOT TO GO! Treat yourself to a cd and sit back one evening and listen to it and enjoy in peace and tranquility. It'll be sooooo much better for you.
Author Walking away Posted March 14, 2006 Author Posted March 14, 2006 Yep...Good old Dr. Dobson. Love Must Be Tough. Great book, by the way. Alright....I will think and pray on this concert. Thank you for your support. I am sure I will do the right thing. I always do, eventually.
Guest Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 Don't go to the concert. It's demeaning to you. A man that lied to you and let you fall in love with him even though he was married to another, bought the tickets for you and so in effect, is buying you. You don't need that. You may have to put off seeing the artist until another time but you'll at least have your dignity and you'll respect yourself a lot more! It'll be much sweeter when you do finally get to see the concert knowing you gave that gift to yourself!!!!!! I know in one of your past posts you mentioned a book by Dr. James Dobson - big man here in Colorado - I can assure you he'd be telling you NOT TO GO! Treat yourself to a cd and sit back one evening and listen to it and enjoy in peace and tranquility. It'll be sooooo much better for you. Im sorry but I do not agree with your post. A MM who bought the OW gifts is not "buying her" he is following through in the secret "relationship" they have together. Why is it that everyone feels that just because a MM who purchases something for the OW is buying her attention or love or something. I am sure there are some men out there that must have done this or do this at some point BUT I also believe that both parties in the relationship buy each other things because they are in a relationship together. If a man bought something for his buddy that he knew his friend would really appreciate, does that mean that he is buying his friend?.... I have an MM and I just adore him. If there was something he said he would enjoy then I would go to the end of the earth to find it for him.....why?...because I am in love with him, not because I am trying to "buy him". We are the best of friends and were before this relationship started...and we will be after the fact....we have discussed it many times. We are too close emotionally to not stick together for however much time in life we have. I know you are all thinking this is neive of me.....no it's not. He's not leaving his W and I am ok with that....like I say we are friends first.
Owl Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 WA- While I may be a BS...YOU are not MY enemy at all. In this context, there is one man who meets that criteria...but honestly I've done my best to forgive him in this whole thing as well. As long as he remains out of my life and that of my wife and family, I wish him well. I too am a Christian. And I try my best to live that way. We all make mistakes. God forgives us...just as He asks us to forgive others. I agree that you don't have the responsibility to inform the wife...didn't mean to make you feel as though you did. I simply saw this as an opportunity to help both yourself AND someone else at the same time. It sounds to me like you're already further down the recovery path than many people who come here...and that is AWESOME! Good wishes to you friend...keep your chin up, and I'll be praying for you!
Author Walking away Posted March 15, 2006 Author Posted March 15, 2006 Thank you Owl.... Keep praying for me....
Author Walking away Posted March 15, 2006 Author Posted March 15, 2006 Im sorry but I do not agree with your post. A MM who bought the OW gifts is not "buying her" he is following through in the secret "relationship" they have together. Why is it that everyone feels that just because a MM who purchases something for the OW is buying her attention or love or something. I am sure there are some men out there that must have done this or do this at some point BUT I also believe that both parties in the relationship buy each other things because they are in a relationship together. If a man bought something for his buddy that he knew his friend would really appreciate, does that mean that he is buying his friend?.... I have an MM and I just adore him. If there was something he said he would enjoy then I would go to the end of the earth to find it for him.....why?...because I am in love with him, not because I am trying to "buy him". We are the best of friends and were before this relationship started...and we will be after the fact....we have discussed it many times. We are too close emotionally to not stick together for however much time in life we have. I know you are all thinking this is neive of me.....no it's not. He's not leaving his W and I am ok with that....like I say we are friends first. I would have to agree with you on this. My MM bought me this gift a month ago, before any of these new developments unfolded. I am sure that his motive was to show me his love and to make me happy. It truly was a fantastic gift. I truly don't believe there was manipulation involved. Just a show of affection...I am positive of this.
veronese Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 I think you're doing incredibly well WA. Your MM charmed his way into your heart but you are one of the rare few who decided to end a relationship with someone you love before his wife found out. I admire your strength and courage. You and he obviously clicked with each other on many levels but your circumstances were very rent. I can see why you couldn't continue as his OW and think you did the right thing by ending the affair. Maybe you loved him too much? Respect to you for having the guts WA! You asked opinions on the concert tickets dilemma? My opinion differs somewhat from previous posters' and is possibly the total opposite of what's best for you, but here goes anyway... Considering all the pros: strong desire to enjoy the music, understandable need for some timeout from your brood, enjoying the emotional lift it will give you etc. as well as the cons: You may run into him there and be seduced by him all over again. I think you should go. I may be wrong but I don't think his wife will be thrilled if he goes to Vegas for a couple of days (unless he's already set up an air-tight alibi to cover his arse) and I doubt he'd get away with it if he did. My guess is he won't turn up. Giving up the tickets seems a bit bonkers to me, they were a present, given (and received) with love so why shouldn't you use them? He doesn't have to know, nor should he ever know you used them. After so much grief and sadness I think you deserve a bit of fun and pleasure. A word of caution though, if he does turn up do you think you'll be able to resist him? If the answer is no then maybe it's not worth risking. You're doing so well and a set back will just hurt you more. I hope your MM stops contacting you soon because until he does you don't really know what it will feel like, living life without him being part of it. When that happens I think you may miss him more than you do right now. Don't fall for the 'can we be friends?' line...no you can't, it just isn't an option. He's probably very worried about you and his persistence genuinely a loving concern, but it needs to stop now. It's over, you're both hurt (as is his wife) and that's the way it is. He may be finding it hard accepting he can't have his wife and you anymore but he'll just have to get used to it. He may want you to be his OW but that's not what you want, time he got his head round it! I wish you all the best WA and hope it works out well for you. Hugs Veronese
Author Walking away Posted March 15, 2006 Author Posted March 15, 2006 Thanks... I certainly have alot to think about. I, too, have weighed the pros and cons. I cannot imagine that his wife is going to let him out of her sight next week. I cannot believe that he would even risk getting caught in the same city as me. After all, she knows everything about me now. And, I am sure her antennas are up. It would be marital suicide for him to come to Las Vegas when I am there. The risks to his marriage would be incredible. However, this man does love me...right or wrong. Of this, I am certain. Alot of decisions to be made within a week. I have not decided....and I appreciate the advice on both sides of the equation...
Author Walking away Posted March 15, 2006 Author Posted March 15, 2006 And, you are right about the "friend" card. It is impossible to be friends.
climbergirl Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Here's another facet to the arguement (much in empathy since you have 5 kids <I have four>) Go! Regroup and spend some much, much needed time ALONE!! I think you'll be surprised on how much clearer your mind will be. Dear Lord! You seem to be a smart, thoughtful, sincere lady who has been through an awful lot lately and you fricken deserve this vacation.
MsColorado Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 Im sorry but I do not agree with your post. A MM who bought the OW gifts is not "buying her" he is following through in the secret "relationship" they have together. Why is it that everyone feels that just because a MM who purchases something for the OW is buying her attention or love or something. I am sure there are some men out there that must have done this or do this at some point BUT I also believe that both parties in the relationship buy each other things because they are in a relationship together. If a man bought something for his buddy that he knew his friend would really appreciate, does that mean that he is buying his friend?.... I have an MM and I just adore him. If there was something he said he would enjoy then I would go to the end of the earth to find it for him.....why?...because I am in love with him, not because I am trying to "buy him". We are the best of friends and were before this relationship started...and we will be after the fact....we have discussed it many times. We are too close emotionally to not stick together for however much time in life we have. I know you are all thinking this is neive of me.....no it's not. He's not leaving his W and I am ok with that....like I say we are friends first. I wasn't saying that all married men are buying the OW with gifts and trips, etc -- but this guy in particular lied to her from the get go by not telling her he was married - he let her fall in love with him and then decided to break the news - seems pretty manipulative right there so I guess that's why it seems to me that he might be manipulative with everything, including gifts. Either way, I hope I didn't offend anyone. I was a BS in my first marriage and I have a best friend who at one time was an OW (was heartbreak for her but the great news is she found a fantastic man and is expecting little one - at age 41 - any day now) so I am sympathtic to both sides of the coin. I only wish everyone on here the best and to follow not only their heart but their head as well.
penkitten Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 No, I didn't walk into this with my eyes wide open. He told me he was NOT married when I started dating him. I fell in love with him and THEN I found out he was married. I broke it off with him two days ago when I couldn't handle the relationship anymore. It was NEVER a place I wanted to be. She found an OLD text message from me yesterday AFTER I already broke it off with him. Now, all hell has broke loose. And, yes, she is devastated beyond belief. I have spoken to her. i think your story should be written in its own post as a tip for others to see. honestly it could save alot of people some heartaches if they knew your story before they created their own.
Author Walking away Posted March 15, 2006 Author Posted March 15, 2006 i think your story should be written in its own post as a tip for others to see. honestly it could save alot of people some heartaches if they knew your story before they created their own. If I could save ONE person from the pain and heartache of an affair, I would do it. But, as we all know, unfortunately, people tend to need to learn from their own mistakes, not from others....
Author Walking away Posted March 15, 2006 Author Posted March 15, 2006 I wasn't saying that all married men are buying the OW with gifts and trips, etc -- but this guy in particular lied to her from the get go by not telling her he was married - he let her fall in love with him and then decided to break the news - seems pretty manipulative right there so I guess that's why it seems to me that he might be manipulative with everything, including gifts. Either way, I hope I didn't offend anyone. I was a BS in my first marriage and I have a best friend who at one time was an OW (was heartbreak for her but the great news is she found a fantastic man and is expecting little one - at age 41 - any day now) so I am sympathtic to both sides of the coin. I only wish everyone on here the best and to follow not only their heart but their head as well. I understand the point that you were making. Thank you for the kind thoughts...
Author Walking away Posted March 16, 2006 Author Posted March 16, 2006 Okay, so I am bad..... I haven't closed my e-mail account yet, and, of course, I get e-mail after e-mail about how difficult it is at home for him (of course). She is smothering him, won't leave his side, asking thousands of questions....you all know how is goes. Tells me this is not his idea of how life should be. (Yes, I know he brought this all on himself...) Still, no response from me yesterday.... I don't think he will be making it to Vegas next week, so I am going. There is absolutely no chance that she will let him out of her sight....so I am safe. And I am going to enjoy myself....I really do need a break... Anyway, his very last e-mail said "bye....gotta go back to jail now....." I actually wrote him back....."Well, for whatever it's worth, I bet you DO look good in stripes.....or is it orange coveralls?" Needless to say, I haven't heard from him since...
Lishy Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 Honey you are playing with fire and you will get burnt!
Author Walking away Posted March 16, 2006 Author Posted March 16, 2006 Ah, come on Lishy... Didn't you at least think that last comment was funny? I am still doing fine...going on with my life....Not hurting..... I gave up on this man. And I am at peace. The AFFAIR is over.
grateful Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 I agree with Lishy. WA, I admire your strength and courage. You are fighting really hard to keep your head up and get yourself out of a bad situation. It is OK to be weak (not "bad" as your post said), we all have our weak moments. I'm afraid that you might be holding on too tightly to this idea of strength and walking away with dignity. What if it clouds your judgement because you don't allow for the possibility that you will be tempted or have weak moments? Just relying on the idea that "I am strong" prevents you from really having a plan in place to deal with contact from him. You didn't close the email account, you thought this was no big deal, but now you've broken NC and you've responded. Who's to say this isn't a slippery slope? This is why, if I were you, I wouldn't go to the concert. Even if he doesn't show, your emotions might get the better of you and you might want to send a "thank you" email. Look at how flirty this one was - - you are saying he would look good, that will be feeding his ego. I know you think this is no big deal, and that's why it seems to be so worrisome. I hope I am wrong and you are really strong enough to handle all this, but most people ending relationships have unexpected weak moments where a flirty email becomes a phone call, becomes a "closure" meeting over coffee, becomes etc etc etc. Be careful! And ask yourself, what did you have to gain from sending the email? What have you gained from reading his emails about his "jailtime?" Are these things helping you let go or keeping you holding on? Because he is going to stay with his wife and as much as he complains, get her support to go through this break up. Hugs to you!
Author Walking away Posted March 16, 2006 Author Posted March 16, 2006 Okay, In defense of myself, I have maintained my sense of humor throughout this whole ordeal. And, I don't think that in itself is such a bad thing. Perhaps, my response was not necessary, but I feel no sense of backsliding. I truly feel fine. This man is another state away, so there will be no meetings for coffee or anything of the sort. And, I am quite sure that if he ever comes to my state in the future, she will accompany him. If he even WANTED to see me again, it would be an impossibility. And, I know this. And, after discussing my dilemma with my two oldest daughters, they feel I should go to the concert. They, too, know how much it would mean to me. Also, I have a friend that will be in Las Vegas next week. A male friend. One who I have a very platonic relationship with. With that said, I would have my solitude when I want it, and someone there if I need it. So, there really is no fear of a "chance" meeting if the MM by some fluke appears (which is unlikely). I know that it appears that I may be backsliding, but I do not find myself obsessively checking my e-mails. Instead, I find myself detached. Perhaps, it appears that I haven't let go...but truly I have. And, I will close the account today. You are right. It appears to him that I have no let go. I will do it now. And, just so you know...my weak moments were within the relationship. Lots of them. I feel stronger and stronger everyday. I went to my business partner's home yesterday and sat in the jacuzzi with her. Even though she knows about my MM, I did not feel the need to ruminate about him. We had a ball and discussed work, friends and everything else. He doesn't consume me. He used to, but no longer.
Author Walking away Posted March 16, 2006 Author Posted March 16, 2006 And, in finality of this....the e-mail account is officially closed.
grateful Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 And, in finality of this....the e-mail account is officially closed. Good! Good for you! It seems the only sensible response to this: I gave up on this man. And I am at peace. The AFFAIR is over. Keeping that email account open was keeping a little piece of the affair open as well. Keep your head up!
Author Walking away Posted March 16, 2006 Author Posted March 16, 2006 And, you are also right about another thing. After thinking this through, I will not attend the concert. I see no point in taking a chance in seeing him. You are right, I am dong too well to take a chance at weakening. I certainly don't want destroy my well preserved strength and resolve. I have accepted that our relationship is over. Now I need to move on....really move on. And I am doing it....by God, I am doing it. And I feel good about myself, and I don't want to do anything that will prevent my recovery. Thank you for your advice. I am going to follow it.
Lishy Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 That is so cool honey! I am glad you came to the right conclusion! Keep us informed and keep posting!
Author Walking away Posted March 16, 2006 Author Posted March 16, 2006 Thank you so much for your support. It means volumes to me, believe me. This forum is where I derive much of my strength. Bless you all, my friends.
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