He Told Her About Me

[Walking away]

Thanks Lishy.

 

My heart hurts at the thought of seeing him. And, I do not want that pain to start again. I am doing okay right now without contact. Perhaps I can take a friend. Someone who will allow me my solitude when I require it, yet, be with me when I need it.

 

Would that be a possible solution, you think?

[Owl]

I can well imagine how badly you want to go to this concert. But going would be a HUGE mistake. He's simply trying to regain control over you, and over the situation by sending you this gift. There's no love in it...it's just another bid for control by playing on your emotions.

 

Honestly, the best thing you could do at this point? Send the concert and airline tickets and hotel reservations to his wife. Send it to her directly via registered mail, with a letter explaining what he's done. Make sure that SHE has to sign for it, not MM. Tell her that you ARE trying to end this, and that HE is the one who won't back off and go away.

 

Trust me, that will put an end to this stupidity that he's perpetrating.

 

And keep doing what you need to take care of YOURSELF!

[Lishy]

YES! That is a great solution!

 

A guy would be great for giving you space as well!

 

you have time to plan this and mentally prepare yourself - keep me updated on your decisions honey I will be thinking of you!

[Walking away]

Really, Owl? You really don't think I should go? Oh boy...this pains me. But, the wisdom of outsiders is what I am requesting, so I will listen. I will take some time to weigh your thoughts. I feel that what you are saying is true.

 

The problem is:

1. I want to be the classy one....I don't want to appear vindictive by sending his wife something that would devastate her.

2. I realize what you are saying, and understand why you are saying it, but doing that action...sending her the stuff...it is not me. I really do prefer to walk away with grace...not with a bang that could destroy an already terribly fragile woman.

 

Your thoughts are duly noted, Owl. I respect your wisdom.

 

I fear that I must decline this fantastic gift and continue with the NC. Thanks for your thoughts...

[grateful]

I definitely agree, do not go.

 

Is the concert worth your strength, your sanity, the precious days of NC you have built up?

 

Even if he doesn't show, you will be thinking of him.

 

Buy yourself a ticket on a different night, in a different city (if the musician is touring). You do deserve to go, but not from MM.

[Owl]

WA-

 

I'm not all that wise my friend. Otherwise I'd not have a reason to be on a lot of these sites to begin with.

 

But, I AM a BS...betrayed spouse. My wife was the one who had the affair. And we've recovered quite well from it for the most part.

 

So when I suggest that you send this to HIS 'BS'...I don't suggest that lightly. I suggest it so that she can be aware that he is still pursuing you...so that she can see that YOU are trying to do the honorable thing now, but it's her husband that is at fault here now. It clearly shows her the scope of what he's doing...and in turn will cause her to put a kibash on his communicating with you.

 

When you send it, send a letter simply saying that you're moving on and wanting to end things...and that while you're doing your part, you wanted to give her the chance to get him to stop trying to contact you, and give THEM a chance to fix their marriage. Don't be apologetic (nothing personal, but it's really hard for a new BS to accept that kind of apology), but be up front and honest.

 

It will put an end to his trying to contact you. It will remove his control of the situation, and free you to heal yourself.

 

Again, while I'm a BS myself, I try very hard to see this from all the viewpoints...I'm not condemning you here. Honestly trying to help you get past this bad situation as well. Good luck!

[Walking away]

Owl,

 

Know that I feel NO condemnation from you. I know that your advice is mature, reasonable, and honest. Please do not feel that I am at all defending myself against you.

 

What you are asking, however, is so out of the realm of what I am, personality wise, I cannot even imagine doing it. It sounds like a fine idea, but I couldn't even fathom the destruction of it all.

 

Make no mistake, I understand your points.

 

Won't my lack of contact stop his contact? I mean, eventually, EVERYONE gets the message, right? Even my MM...

[Walking away]

I am REALLY trying to maintain my dignity here.

 

This is why I am quietly walking away from him.....

[always confused]

i just have a question, why is it that you got involved with the man anyway knowing that he had a wife? i just dont understand that. i know i am young but i have a boyfriend and we are having a baby next month. there is a girl that knows about our situation but she is still messing with him.well let me reword that, she knew we were together before, so im pretty sure she still knows we are. she is friends with one of my friends and she is the type of person who doesnt care if a guy has a gf or not. shes mainly the one coming on to him. he has/ or is cheating on me with her and it is causing me so much hurt.i know since he is or was cheating on me that i should break up with him but i really love him and i want to be with him its just hard right now to let him go. how do you think the wife feels about all this? that is his wife and she is commited to him. she loves him and she trusted him and now she has to hear that he is sleeping around on her? i know it is devastating to her. im not trying to be mean or rude, but i just dont understand how you or any other person would want to get involved with a man who is in a relationship, or worse married. do yall even care about the wife?? actually im trying to get advice from you i mean, is it the thrill that he is with someone else? i dont think my bf and this other woman are romantically involved, but i know they are sexually involved. did it start off that way with yall? and then it turned to emotions? i know the OW sleeps around with everyone and everyone knows that(remember im young and we are all in college so i gotta put up with those type of girls) im not saying you are like that but i was just wondering why any person would want to be with someone involved with someone else. and should i call this other girl and tell her to leave my bf alone or just forget about it and move on??

[Owl]

Glad to hear that you don't feel like I'm picking on you friend...I really am just trying to help.

 

What you are asking, however, is so out of the realm of what I am, personality wise, I cannot even imagine doing it. It sounds like a fine idea, but I couldn't even fathom the destruction of it all.

 

Make no mistake, I understand your points.

 

I can understand that. But, the key thing to remember is this...letting her know that he's still trying to contact you IS NOT DESTRUCTION. The affair was the destruction...what you're doing now is damage control. You're limiting the damage by ending the affair. Trust me, she's been hurt by all of this already...telling her this is actually the BEST thing you can do for her...because it allows her to fight against the affair on her own as well. You're not hurting her more...you're helping her to end the hurting. Again, take it from someone who's been there.

 

Won't my lack of contact stop his contact? I mean, eventually, EVERYONE gets the message, right? Even my MM...

 

Probably not. Odds are, he's going to keep calling and texting and IM'ing and on and on and on and on...until you wear down and give in. And then the whole thing starts all over again.

 

Affairs are ADDICTIVE. You know that firsthand...look at how YOU are feeling. You're suffering the withdrawl from the end of the affair yourself. It's HARD not to contact him. You're depressed, can't sleep, have crying fits for no reason. You're probably not eating, can't focus on anything other than the end of the affair... ALL CLASSIC SIGNS OF WITHDRAWL. It's just exactly like the psychological addiction that goes along with the physical addiction to drugs. It's chemicals in your brain. AND IN HIS.

 

So what I'm offering you here is the way to break the addiction. It HAS to be done cold-turkey...just like you have to do with drugs. And then you have to 'stay clean' after that.

 

Don't discard my suggestion because you don't like it or feel comfortable doing it. I really see this as your best chance at recovery.

[CeeJayXXX]

I think you should go to this concert. It was a gift you received during the relation that was given TO YOU.... I think you are walking away in a very classy manner and I commend you for your quiet dissappearance with the relationship.

 

Although you are heart broken right now - down the road you will be able to look back and know that you dealt with this situation the way most OW's would not....(by being graceful) but with all that said....... Go to Vegas, go to the concert...If you are comfortable going alone then do it. Have some quiet time to yourself to think and reflect. I know what it is like with children and doing your best daily to give them your fullest attention at the risk of taking away the time for yourself.

 

I think you should go and enjoy yourself. This is a life long dream of yours to see this concert and you should pursue it.

 

Good Luck!

[Walking away]

i just have a question, why is it that you got involved with the man anyway knowing that he had a wife? i just dont understand that. i know i am young but i have a boyfriend and we are having a baby next month. there is a girl that knows about our situation but she is still messing with him.well let me reword that, she knew we were together before, so im pretty sure she still knows we are. she is friends with one of my friends and she is the type of person who doesnt care if a guy has a gf or not. shes mainly the one coming on to him. he has/ or is cheating on me with her and it is causing me so much hurt.i know since he is or was cheating on me that i should break up with him but i really love him and i want to be with him its just hard right now to let him go. how do you think the wife feels about all this? that is his wife and she is commited to him. she loves him and she trusted him and now she has to hear that he is sleeping around on her? i know it is devastating to her. im not trying to be mean or rude, but i just dont understand how you or any other person would want to get involved with a man who is in a relationship, or worse married. do yall even care about the wife?? actually im trying to get advice from you i mean, is it the thrill that he is with someone else? i dont think my bf and this other woman are romantically involved, but i know they are sexually involved. did it start off that way with yall? and then it turned to emotions? i know the OW sleeps around with everyone and everyone knows that(remember im young and we are all in college so i gotta put up with those type of girls) im not saying you are like that but i was just wondering why any person would want to be with someone involved with someone else. and should i call this other girl and tell her to leave my bf alone or just forget about it and move on??

 

 

I am sorry about the pain you are in. However, as I stated in an earlier post, my MM didn't tell me he was married when we started dating. I found out about it much later...after I had fallen in love. And, in my case, I was not, nor ever was promiscuous, so this relationship started out very emotional, then gradually became sexual.

 

I am certainly no sexual predator here. I am a professional, mom, friend, daughter, and i am highly respected for those roles. True, I did choose to continue with my MM after I found out about his marital status, which made me at that moment a willing partner...But, know this, I fought with my heart and my head from that moment on. It was never a peaceful relationship with me. In fact, he wooed me back again and again.

 

Now, there are some women who seem to seek out married men. I, however, am not one of them.

 

I am sorry for your pain. Good luck to you.

 

FYI, it is no thrill being with a married man...at least for me there is not.

[Walking away]

Okay Owl....

 

I understand the addictive process. But, I am sleeping okay. I am functioning well at work, and find that I feel okay most of the time. I think I was weaning myself off of this man before I even walked away from this relationship.

 

The symptoms you describe were much more pronounced while I was involved with this man....Now they seem very manageable. And, some of the symptoms you describe don't exist in my life.

 

I have never been an addictive personality, and I do not feel addictive now.

 

And, Owl, it is not hard to not contact him. It is hard TO contact him.

 

Keep writing...I am paying attention.

[Chump64]

Stay strong, WA!

 

I would not accept his gift to see this musician. No matter how therapeutic it may be for you, it gives him power over you. He is manipulating you by trying to give you something he knows you really want. That will be his remaining connection to you.

 

You need to get serious with him. Tell him to quit calling you and emailing you. Threaten to get a restraining order, and to tell his wife. I think maybe you are being too kind.

 

Good luck.

[Owl]

Well, what you describe is good news. But, in all honesty, you're going to find yourself going back and forth in this. It's a rollercoaster ride for most. It might not be for you...but don't be too surprised if you suddenly start feeling those same things again.

 

If you're not feeling this way, then USE that to create a situation where the affair CANNOT resume.

 

Again, change your phone number, email accounts, IM accounts, etc...

 

And if you can't send the stuff to his wife...then send it back to HIM. No note, no calls, nothing....just send it back to him in a plain wrapper. He'll get the message, even if he refuses to accept the message.

 

But letting his wife know that he's still trying to reach you really is the best option here, if you can do so safely for yourself and your family. As I said, it clearly shows that YOU are trying to make things right, even when he's not.

[Lishy]

Thinking about this some more I would agree that you perhaps should not go to Vegas - Can you exchange the ticket dates? I have a feeling that it will makes things much worse for you. You have not even felt the heartache yet!

 

I don't, however, agree that you should send his wife the tickets - I think you should send them back to him in an envelope with no note.

 

I have never been in this situation on either ends, but I do know what heartache feels like and it really hits in when contact fully stops.

 

Keeping posting your thoughts and feelings!

[Lishy]

Wow Owl we gave the same advise at the same time lol

[Walking away]

Thanks Owl...

 

I lived on that roller coaster for six months. I can tell you, I went through the whole gamut of emotions during that time. Everything you decribed. But, at the moment I let myself off...when I couldn't take the pain anymore. I have felt better than I have in months.

 

Now, have I had moments of crying and sadness and pain? Yep. But, they are very manageable and they don't last very long at all.

 

I am aware that these feeilngs will come and go, but I honestly feel better than I ever did with him. I cannot tell you all the pain and torture I went through with this relationship. My MM tried to bend himself into a pretzel to make me more comfortable, but the comfort never came for me. I just cannot function in a triangle. It was never a place I could function.

 

So, I think I am well on my way to recovery.

 

This is how I am.....once I make up my mind, that is it. I don't look back. EVER.

 

P.S. The idea of sending the stuff to him is much more manageble for me.

[Walking away]

Thinking about this some more I would agree that you perhaps should not go to Vegas - Can you exchange the ticket dates? I have a feeling that it will makes things much worse for you. You have not even felt the heartache yet!

 

I don't, however, agree that you should send his wife the tickets - I think you should send them back to him in an envelope with no note.

 

I have never been in this situation on either ends, but I do know what heartache feels like and it really hits in when contact fully stops.

 

Keeping posting your thoughts and feelings!

 

Is it possible to suffer all the pain and heartache WITHIN the confines of a relationship? And when it is over, the overwhelming reaction is peace?

[Lishy]

If it was a very abusive relationship, then yes maybe!

 

But I have a feeling that you have not even started yet hon - The fact that you are on here posting this shows me that he still means alot to you - You can only feel no pain if you feel happy after finishing things and that generally happens in abusive relationships.

[Walking away]

Certainly, this wasn't an abusive relationship.

 

Perhaps my faith in God has a role in this. I am a Christian and this relationship went against every Christian belief I held dear. Perhaps the peace is coming from my faith?

 

But, don't discount the incredible pain and suffering I felt during the time of our relationship. It was incalculable to say the least. I truly couldn't take ONE MORE MINUTE of that pain, so I left.

 

I came here today to update all of you on my progress and to present the concert dilemma. I am pragmatic enough to know that although I feel relieved, I am not yet strong enough to make clear, level decisions that pertain to him.

 

Your advice is extremely helpful. Perhaps, I am stronger than your think?

[energygirlky]

I am in the same situation. It started last summer. I was having a lot of problems in my marriage, finally divorced in Dec. My ex found out about the affair after I moved out. My affair had nothing to do with my marriage ending, but it definately sped up the process for me. When my divorce was final, we both knew that it would change things in our situation and it did. Our feelings for each other grew deeper and he has not been able to handle it. He is consumed with guilt and is trying to do the right thing. He has always been honest with me about his feelings, and I have never dated just him. I am not going to make him a committment till he does me. Even though he is the only person I am intimate with. That is my choice. I do deeply love him and I do pray we end up together. He feels his marriage is over, but to make himself and his family happy, he has agreed to therapy and we are not seeing each other anymore. He has told her about me, however, he did not tell her the whole truth. He told her he lie and cheated and she does know it is me. However, he did not tell her the depth of our affair. They have been married for 16 years and with her for 20 years, no children.To make matters worse, he is my boss, so I have to see him once a week in our meetings. I have to go through the next few months with blind faith. I know we will talk so he can tell me what is going on and if his feelings change at all and he wants to stay in his marriage he will tell me immediately. He does not expect me to wait on him, but yet he does. He wants to keep the keys to my apartment and wants us to meet every couple of weeks to talk. I have gotten stronger, but I am not ready to let him go completely.

[MsColorado]

I absolutely don't think you should go to the concert but I don't necessarily agree with the other posters who think you should send it to the wife to let her know he's still contacting you. I think you should tear everything up, or better yet, shred them and have a glass of champagne as a celebration. It's basically blood money and you don't need it. It's also not your responisibility to tell the wife. You are taking care of your business and you are being honorable by giving up this man. Block him from your phone, email, LIFE! I've been following your posts and you are really trying to do right by everyone involved. I feel for the wife - truly I do - and I was once a BS so I can put myself into her shoes - but really you don't need to send her or him the tickets. It will only drag it on for you and you just need to worry about you! By just getting rid of them, you will really be letting go. Good Luck. Be strong girlfriend!

[Walking away]

Thank you so much. It is nice to not get blasted by the BS's here. I know that I represent the enemy to those of you who are on the side of my situation. Your sensitivity is touching.

 

Thank you also for understanding my stance on walking away gracefully. I do not feel compelled to hurt either one of them or myself any more than we already have been.

 

It is best that I do not send the stuff back to either one of them. But, I have to admit....I am struggling with the concert. This concert would make me feel so much stronger emotionally if I went. Of this I know. I am a pianist, and music is one of my loves....

 

I do wish there was a way to attend without presenting a potential painful situation for myself.

[Walking away]

Sorry, I meant that I know that I represent the enemy to those of you who are on the OTHER side of my situation.

 

Broke my arm last week....Kinda hard to type.