He Told Her About Me

[Walking away]

My MM told his W yesterday about me. I am dumbfounded. I don't even know where to start. He admitted to loving me and told her that we had decided a few days ago that we couldn't continue any longer. She has called me....He has called me. I e-mailed him today that I am letting him go. He cannot have me encumbering him in this situation. I add stress to an already stressful situation.

 

I feel he needs to make his decisions without me involved. He doesn't know what way to turn. I have no idea what is going to happen. But, I told him that I am letting him go. If he wants me, he can find me.

 

I am holding strong, but I ache inside for everyone involved. I have been bracing myself for the wrath of hell to fall on all of us....and it already has.

 

Help.

[iamtrying]

dear friend

 

i have been through the same exact situation that you are in now......

 

you will start thinking that he loves me so much and he will really do it etc etc

 

my xmm also told the wife about us and that he wanted a divorce...well if he really did it i wouldnt have used the x in front of the word mm would i ?

 

i know its tough .... i am struggling too .....

 

but the best advise i can give is this ..... if he really wants to be with us , he knows where to find us ....... there is really no need for us to go through the whole s*** .....

 

hugs for you ..... and stay strong ....

[Walking away]

And I told him that this morning....if he wants me, he will find me. I am letting him go. And I have.

 

And, he knows, as of yesterday, before he told her about me, the AFFAIR is over. No matter what happens, the AFFAIR is over.

 

I do not hold out much hope for a happy ending, but I am relieved. Either we will be together or we won't. But, if we do end up together, it is going to be unencumbered. No more lies, secrecy, betrayals. But, I am holding strong. We were once were is no longer.

 

Hugs right back at you....

[Barby]

Hello WA. First let me say........I'm sorry for the pain you're going through....it's probably gut wrenchingly painful....also I'm SORRY that more people haven't come to this thread to support you.

 

I am also away from my "MM" and the affair is over..........not because the wife found out (she already knew about us and didn't really care enough to say anything)....

 

Anyway it's the deepest pain I've ever felt and I'm currently back with my exBF turned current again attempting to "get over" and "move on" from this part of my life. (not that it will help).

 

I know our situations are different but I just wanted to lend you some support and wish you the absolute best of luck and I hope more come around to support you in this time of need.

 

Congradulations on your strength in ending it and your conviction in making sure to keep the affair over. In time it should get easier. Good luck!

[Walking away]

Thanks Barby.

 

I haven't heard from his wife or him since this morning. I can only imagine what is going on in their world right now. I broke down and cried this afternoon. The denial is wearing off and the pain is setting in. I am fighting tooth and nail to keep myself from getting sucked into the abyss of depression. For, I know there is little hope for us. 20 years and 4 children with her versus 6 months with me. The scales are tipped for the marriage....a fact I cannot deny.

 

I am sickened by the depth of my pain. I know some BS's out there don't care, but we OW bleed when cut, just like them. And, the pain is real and profound and excruciating. What is keeping me going is knowing that I am doing the right thing. But, sadly, I already miss him.

[Ladylay]

Thanks Barby.

 

I haven't heard from his wife or him since this morning. I can only imagine what is going on in their world right now. I broke down and cried this afternoon. The denial is wearing off and the pain is setting in. I am fighting tooth and nail to keep myself from getting sucked into the abyss of depression. For, I know there is little hope for us. 20 years and 4 children with her versus 6 months with me. The scales are tipped for the marriage....a fact I cannot deny.

 

I am sickened by the depth of my pain. I know some BS's out there don't care, but we OW bleed when cut, just like them. And, the pain is real and profound and excruciating. What is keeping me going is knowing that I am doing the right thing. But, sadly, I already miss him.

 

Bless you Walkingaway.

I feel really sad, for you. You cant just turn off your feelings, no matter how long the relationship.

[Walking away]

All I can say right now is that I am going down swinging. I am fighting to keep my head above water so to speak. This is exactly what I deserve...but oh, it hurts so much. Thank you for the kind words....they are making me cry.

[For You I Will]

Hey Walking Away,

 

I hope the best for you & I hope you can be strong through this difficult time. Lots of huggs to you xo

[Lishy]

Reading this makes me so sad! It makes me sad because you walked into this with your eyes wide open! Why wait until he tells her and rocks her world before you finished it? It does not make sense!

 

I guess you are hoping that the scales tip in your favour and you get your man .... IF that does happen WA then what do you have? Years of worry that he will do the same to you?

 

Honey stay away and get with a man who you can look at and not know for sure that he is a cheat and a liar.

 

Any heartache is painful beyond belief and my words may sound harsh to you but I bet his wife's heart is far more broken than yours!

 

Good luck

[basscatcher]

I generally don't post on MM/OW threads but I will stick my neck out.

 

I was married for almost 8 yrs to my XH and with him for 11 1/2 years. I have posted about why I left him in other threads so I wont get into all that. But the abuse and neglect pushed me over the edge to where I got involved with a mm. I was married and he was married to other people. He was married longer then I was, he was also 7 years older then me. He had 2 children and I had 1.

 

The mm and I were co-workers in a well known manufacturing plant in the midwest. Over a year we befriended one another and were sharing about our stuggles in our marriage. We both sympathaized with one another and eventually it lead to him kissing me (during working hours). That lead to rondevu's in the local park after work (12:45am) for quickies and time to unleash our passions. We even hide in secret places in the factory during our breaks to be together anyway we wanted. I even went on BCP so I wouldn't get pg.

 

During the course of 6 months he told me about 4 months into our affair that his wife was pg. I was devasted. I was hurt, angry and guilty. I felt betrayed and I felt so guilty for feeling that way because he wasn't MY husband. I ended the affair 2 months later. It was hell.. He didn't want it to end but I did. I couldn't live with it and I didn't want to be the one who interferred with his family; especially when he had innocent baby on the way that didn't ask to come into this world. I didn't want to be the blame for destroying his family and hurting his dear children.

 

His wife and my husband suspected there was something going on between us but we never confessed and covered up our tracks over and over. When I broke it off with him we were still working side-by-side so it was very hard to resist his looks and gestures. I understood his body language and his facial expressions when no one else did. It killed me but I stood strong in my decision no matter how much it hurt and I had to live in a abusive, cold and distant marriage without the comfort of my MM 5 days a week for 8 to 10 hours a day..

 

I didn't faulter and then he and I were seperated and we worked on opposite ends of the building and that helped with the seperation more..

He and I never resumed our affair. It was over. I kept distant from him and continued my counceling I had started during the affair.

 

Eventually, he left his wife and headed for California and divorced her. (I found this out through rumors.) My husband and I began to start a new life and we were in the process of moving when the OM came back (2 yrs later)to town. He tried to lure me in and almost did for one last fling before I moved. (I ran into him on the day we were moving.) But I chose not to give in to my passion. I walked away with a last kiss and said goodbye..

 

Eventually, I left my husband and divorced him. The OM found out through the friends I still had where he lived and he began to call me. I refused to see him. Then 4 months later after my seperation from my husband and filing for divorce I accepted to see this OM. He drove to see me (3 1/2 hr drive)

 

We got back together that weekend and we were together for 4 1/2 years.. It was great (so I thought) for 3 years. We had a long distant relationship for the first 2 years and we both made effort to see each other every weekend and talked on the phone Thurs nights. Then he relocated and moved in with me for 7 months at which time I asked him to get his own apartment and he did. After he moved he began to change more like my XH. I wasn't happy and I don't think he was either.

We kept our secret of our affair until after I broke up with him at 4 1/2 yrs. I couldn't be in another relationship that was abusive, controlling, cold and things weren't right. He threatened to tell everyone of our affiar if I didn't tell my XH. He went and told his XW all those years later and she broke down crying. He blamed me for the break up of his marriage and said that because he couldn't live with the lie and the affiar he left her and his chidren. The guilt was too much to stay there and he wouldn't tell her the truth so he wouldn't destroy my marriage.

Upon telling my XH the truth he cried too--all those years later..

 

Nothing turned out good in my story other then When I broke off the affair I stood strong and it felt good and the guilt wasn't bad anymore. I wasn't hurting like before. I felt free.

 

But rekindling the relationsihp (even when we were free to do so.) it didn't work either because of the old feelings, resentment of the past and also we had trust issues.

 

I found out afterwards from people in the town he lived in before moving to me that he cheated on me. He was sleeping around with others.

That explained to me why I was always having yeast infections and bacterial infections. He wasn't faithful to me either...

 

I am glad and free to be free of him. He stalked me, harrassed me, he tried to ruin my reputation and tried to cause defamation of character. I had to relocate and I have lived annonimously since.. I have lived where I am at for almost 3 years and I havent' heard anything of the OM and I am happy..

 

My story is different then yours also but I understand the pain and suffering being involved with a MM.

I also know how hard it is to be strong in your decisions..

 

I am not a person who does well being alone without someone to hold and love so to be strong took alot. If I can do it YOU CAN DO IT...

 

STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU DESERVE MORE THEN BEING SECOND.. You deserve to be loved fully by someone who is physcially, mentally and emotionally available only to YOU.....

 

You are worth more then second.... Believe me...

 

{{{HUGS}}}}}

[Lishy]

I sincerely hope that the OP really hears you Pad and that she stays away!

 

So much pain for so many people is not a good start to any relationship!

[Walking away]

Reading this makes me so sad! It makes me sad because you walked into this with your eyes wide open! Why wait until he tells her and rocks her world before you finished it? It does not make sense!

 

I guess you are hoping that the scales tip in your favour and you get your man .... IF that does happen WA then what do you have? Years of worry that he will do the same to you?

 

Honey stay away and get with a man who you can look at and not know for sure that he is a cheat and a liar.

 

Any heartache is painful beyond belief and my words may sound harsh to you but I bet his wife's heart is far more broken than yours!

 

Good luck

 

No, I didn't walk into this with my eyes wide open. He told me he was NOT married when I started dating him. I fell in love with him and THEN I found out he was married. I broke it off with him two days ago when I couldn't handle the relationship anymore. It was NEVER a place I wanted to be.

 

She found an OLD text message from me yesterday AFTER I already broke it off with him. Now, all hell has broke loose.

 

And, yes, she is devastated beyond belief. I have spoken to her.

[Lishy]

He has proven himself to be a liar and a cheat! First lying to you about his marital status then allowing you to fall in love with him ... Disgusting!

 

Honey please take some advise and stay away - That man is heartbreak city! He should have been shot at birth!

 

You deserve more and you know that!

 

I wish you all the strength to get out of this mess!

[Guest]

I am sickened by the depth of my pain. I know some BS's out there don't care, but we OW bleed when cut, just like them. And, the pain is real and profound and excruciating. QUOTE]

 

I am a BS, the W. I read these posts, why? To understand, not to blame. I had to respond to this.

When I found out I had deep anger and disrespect for the OW. After time I realised, abviously, it was not just her. She was not this vixen on the prowl hunting my man. It was a friendship that turned into something else. We as human, sometimes cant control how we feel. We should, but somehow dont.

 

I am sorry you feel so much pain, and I dont want my husbands OW to feel any pain. It does not do any good. The blame really falls on the MM. After all he signed the papers and wears the ring.

 

I just want to say, I encourage you to continue to go forward, without your MM, unless he divorces and finds you. Not likely though.

 

JUST an FYI: What is going on in our world? Fighting, crying, you name it. Then that calms down, now the husband has to answer 500 questions. We talk aboutthe OW, the relationship, what you did, said, the sex they had. It all up for talk because we are the ones who also signed the papers and wear their ring.

hope this helps, good luck.

[scarletletter]

Your entire relationship was based on a lie that he was not married. That has to be a tough pill to swallow. It is difficult to give advice to someone dating a mm when I am doing the same thing but at least my mm was totally honest with me from the beginning. I went into it with eyes wide open and now I want him to myself but that will be a while, if ever. I am enjoying our time together, such as it is. If he had lied to me in the beginning, I would have never persued this relationship. Yes, I know he is lying to his wife, but I am not her and I don't suppose I ever will be. The relationship is just what we both needed and it has lived up to our expectations. If it were me, I would have to continue to think about the reasons that he told you he was single and why he would betray you that way. Walking away is possibly just what you need to do right now. I'm sure it cannot be easy.

[Walking away]

I have walked away and I am okay today. He e-mailed me last night telling me that he loves me and he e-mailed me today telling me the same thing. He said he doesn't know what the future holds, and that he wasn't prepared for the discovery of the affair. He and his wife, I imagine, are going through hell right now. I am probably faring better than him or her. Definitely, I know I am not hurting as much as her.

 

I did not, and will not, respond to the e-mails. The affair is over. Period. I am sure he will not leave his wife, and I am sure I will not go back to what we were. This is the defining moment in his marriage. Either he fixes it without me in it or he doesn't. I am not staying involved. And, because my resolve is so strong, I know that I will be okay. I am better today and much stronger.

 

I am following my morals and integrity on this one. And, although I am still hurting and will continue to hurt, I am doing the right thing. And, I feel relieved that I am finally being true to myself. And THAT is what is keeping me on the right track finally. I KNOW I am doing the right thing.

[Chump]

You should be very proud of yourself. At the same time, know that you are on an emotional "roller coaster" (I'm so sick of hearing that term!) and that your feelings and emotions can change, even from hour to hour.

[curly]

I mean that... Because it will get harder to hold on to that resolve. I don't mean to rain on the parade.... I don't mean to talk you back into the realtionship with the MM.... NEVER. But I've been there, walking away (not the other poster...lol) is incredibly hard. I only mean to warn you of the increasingly painful times you will go through in the next weeks and months.

 

Do yourself a huge favor.... Print out your post. Write in a journal to yourself about how you feel, how you've felt, how it was so important to you to not go back, not continue.

 

You are going to need to remember that resolve. I wish you much luck and strength. And if you find yourself stronger and out.... please tell me...lol.

 

I have a kooky story, but it's still the MM/OW in the end. Mine has actually separated and is trying to like and respect himself again. Doesn't feel comfortable jumping into the heavy relationship with me that he sooooo thought he wanted for so long. In the end, I'm not sure that we'll be together. But the love is there and the gravitational pull is uncanny.

 

So that's my update in a nutshell... If you need to vent, please post. Someone will be here. It gets quiet over the weekend, I'm not sure why that is... My thought would be all the OW would be crazy busy on LS when they can't see the MM, but.... I check LS all the time. Come here and vent. Someone will respond. And ignore the bashers. Happens all the time.

 

Courage and strength....

[Walking away]

Thanks curly.

 

He e-mailed me again last night at around 1 in the morning. Said that he realizes now that I am not responding back to him. He said he will continue to contact me. Said that they are going through hell. Told me that he hoped that I was okay. I am still doing okay.

 

I know that I am going to have my ups and downs. It is going to be one hour at a time. I know what is coming. The pain, the suffering, the loss, the missing of him....all of it. I am bracing myself for it.

 

But, he doesn't need me in his life. If he is to make his marriage work, it must be without me in it. And, if it doesn't work....he knows where to find me. I hold out no hope, however. So, this no contact thing is for me more so that him. I hurt less talking to or communicating with him. It is like I took my power back. He doesn't have the power to hurt me if he isn't in my life. And, I keep telling myself that. Over and over and over. I must.

 

Thanks for the encouragement. Courage right back at you, curly...

[Walking away]

You should be very proud of yourself. At the same time, know that you are on an emotional "roller coaster" (I'm so sick of hearing that term!) and that your feelings and emotions can change, even from hour to hour.

 

For the first time in six months, I feel as though my emotions are stabilizing. I am sure I will hurt and rage, but I am much calmer than I thought I would be. I think it is because I finally let go.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks curly.

 

He e-mailed me again last night at around 1 in the morning. Said that he realizes now that I am not responding back to him. He said he will continue to contact me. Said that they are going through hell. Told me that he hoped that I was okay. I am still doing okay.

 

I know that I am going to have my ups and downs. It is going to be one hour at a time. I know what is coming. The pain, the suffering, the loss, the missing of him....all of it. I am bracing myself for it.

 

But, he doesn't need me in his life. If he is to make his marriage work, it must be without me in it. And, if it doesn't work....he knows where to find me. I hold out no hope, however. So, this no contact thing is for me more so that him. I hurt less talking to or communicating with him. It is like I took my power back. He doesn't have the power to hurt me if he isn't in my life. And, I keep telling myself that. Over and over and over. I must.

 

Thanks for the encouragement. Courage right back at you, curly...

He is completely disrespecting YOUR wishes. If the situation was reversed and he told you to leave him alone and NOT to contact him...And you did continue to do so and tell him that you intend on still contacting him, he'd be pissed off because he'd be trying to rid of his feelings for you AND work on his marriage! So, what gives HIM the right to not give you that respect? Think about it. He isn't thinking of YOU, he's thinking of himself and what HE wants...His actions are showing you that he doesn't care what YOU feel. That it's easier for you not to hear from him. Am I right about this?

 

Email him back and you tell him to leave you alone. Be harsh if you need to! Let him know that he IS crossing a line right now by continuing to contact you when you've asked him not to. YOU are in control, not HIM. So, why not change your email address? Block him or something so you don't read his thoughts. It doesn't matter anymore what he thinks/feels. What counts is what you think and feel.

[Walking away]

He is completely disrespecting YOUR wishes. If the situation was reversed and he told you to leave him alone and NOT to contact him...And you did continue to do so and tell him that you intend on still contacting him, he'd be pissed off because he'd be trying to rid of his feelings for you AND work on his marriage! So, what gives HIM the right to not give you that respect? Think about it. He isn't thinking of YOU, he's thinking of himself and what HE wants...His actions are showing you that he doesn't care what YOU feel. That it's easier for you not to hear from him. Am I right about this?

 

Email him back and you tell him to leave you alone. Be harsh if you need to! Let him know that he IS crossing a line right now by continuing to contact you when you've asked him not to. YOU are in control, not HIM. So, why not change your email address? Block him or something so you don't read his thoughts. It doesn't matter anymore what he thinks/feels. What counts is what you think and feel.

 

 

The last contact I had with him was an e-mail I wrote him on Wednesday. I told him I was adding stress to an already stressful situation. I told him that if he wanted me, he knew where to find me. I also told him that I was "setting him free." He knew before she found about me that the affair was over.

 

To be honest, I have no idea what is going on with him. It isn't my problem. I am hurting too, and I think he may be trying to reach out to me to make sure that I, too, am okay. He underestimates me if he feels that I am falling apart at the seams. I hurt, make no mistake, but I am also quite strong and smart. I don't want anyone who doesn't want me, and unless he knocks on my door and tells me he is free, I have no reason to keep in touch with him. Now, I wasn't this firm in my e-mail. I was kind and loving. A gracious way to leave, I think.

 

His e-mails don't really bother me. And they don't make me want to e-mail him back either. I don't know. I guess I just feel blah about the whole thing.

I never told him to leave me alone in those words...just told him that he was free. But, I did do it lovingly. After all, I am at heart a kind and gentle person.

 

Just a little insight on me and my personality. So, to answer your post, I told him he was free and that I would not intrude in his life. And I am keeping my word...

[Seen_It_All]

WhichWay is absolutely correct. You asked him to not contact you as you want put this behind you and start healing. You told him that your stress level is off the charts. Yet, he continues to disrespect you TOTALLY because HE still wants to have it all. Regardless of how hurtful it is to YOU.

 

He still wants the emotional crutch that you provide him AS WELL AS his wife and family. And obviously, he wants it all - at YOUR emotional expense.

 

It's not really about whether his emails bother you or not. It's about having RESPECT for you and YOUR feelings. Just once I'd like to hear about a MM who DOESN'T make it all about HIMSELF. Just once.

[Walking away]

Very good points. But, you must know, I do have respect for myself. That is why I am here today alone. He will not get the emotional crutch from me. I am far too healthy to be that. And, I have not contacted him. And I won't. I see no reason for it. His wife would be destroyed if she knew he was still contacting me....as if she isn't already. And, it would just set me back in my recovery.

 

Don't you think he is getting the message by not hearing from me?

[Lishy]

Yes he will get the message! The problem is that he is probably too selfish to act on it!

 

You are so strong and you sound like a very together person. You will make the right guy a very happy man one day. It could never be him as he is a selfish liar and you deserve so much more. His poor wife, I feel so sorry for her to be married to a man like that. Put your hands together and thank god that you was able to walk away!

 

Good luck and I wish you all the strength in the world!