Lil Honey Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 She even went as far as to call me honey and sweetheart during the conversation.....that makes no sense to me at all This means nothing. Zero. I've been divorced for two years. Both of us have slipped once in a while and called the other "Dear." Two people can care about each other yet not be able to live together. I will always care for my ex. I just don't care to live with him or be his wife. If BOTH people haven't changed, getting back together will create the same situations and result as before. SHE has to change how she views some of your behaviors and YOU have to change some of your reactions to stress or whatever. Change isn't a bad thing. Change can be growing and learning thing.
Lil Honey Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Okay, I just finished reading to the end of this thread. I highly doubt this woman had some traumatic event that left her so scarred that she's COLD and unfeeling. Not supporting someone when they have lost a family member is just that - COLD. I find NO excuse for it. In fact, when my dad died, my ex wanted to pickup lumber the day of the funeral because "we were in town anyway and we'd be saving time." That's when it hit me. I started taking a good hard look at him. I was there when his little brother passed away. It wasn't like he didn't have a clue what it was like or didn't know how to be supportive. In fact, it isn't THAT big of a CHORE. One is simply THERE. Their presence is all that is needed. They only need to be a body to hug. How flippin' TOUGH can THAT be? Gimme a break. Dump her. She is only telling you to wait and that she doesn't want a LDR, so that you will have some hope. It's her way of twisting the knife. You may think she's a good person, but anyone is capable of being nice when they want to string someone along. Like I said before, if you don't grow and SHE doesn't grow, then nothing has changed and you will get the same result. Run. Don't walk.
SmoochieFace Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Wow... excellent post. Especially this... You may think she's a good person, but anyone is capable of being nice when they want to string someone along. Absolutely true!
Simons Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 She is a good person though and I would love to be her friend.... at the least...but not when she does crap like this... She even went as far as to call me honey and sweetheart during the conversation.....that makes no sense to me at all oh boy, you really still have a lot of growing to do: never spend your time on what a woman tells you, pay attention to her actions. the actions: she dumped you, pay attention to that. She will do it again.
blind_otter Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Okay, I just finished reading to the end of this thread. I highly doubt this woman had some traumatic event that left her so scarred that she's COLD and unfeeling. Not supporting someone when they have lost a family member is just that - COLD. I find NO excuse for it. I have to say that I am one person who finds it difficult to be there for people who have lost a loved one. I simply do not know what to say. I usually just let them work it out on their own because I have no idea how to offer sympathy in a way that grieving people find receptive. I have never relied on another person for help when I grieve, I deal with it myself. When I lost both my babies I posted on anonymous internet forums rather than burden anyone else IRL with my grief. I even volunteered for Hospice trying to learn how to help people cope with grief and I had to quit because I simply could not do it.
SmoochieFace Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I have to say that I am one person who finds it difficult to be there for people who have lost a loved one. I simply do not know what to say. I usually just let them work it out on their own because I have no idea how to offer sympathy in a way that grieving people find receptive. I have never relied on another person for help when I grieve, I deal with it myself. When I lost both my babies I posted on anonymous internet forums rather than burden anyone else IRL with my grief. I even volunteered for Hospice trying to learn how to help people cope with grief and I had to quit because I simply could not do it. All right, it's one thing to not know how to *be there* for someone when they have had a traumatic event occur but quite another to use that as an excuse to tell someone to *grow up* and then break up with them.
lindya Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 all i needed was someone to love me and talk to me.... I understand what you were saying but if you have read my previous threads you will see that during this time she was having problems too and sharing that with me but not allowing me to talk to her aobut my stuff.... and then throughout this whole time she brought up the idea of an open realtionship and broke up with me the day of the funeral when i called her to talk to her after it. That must have hurt like hell. I'm so sorry The impression running through this thread is that you're normally a reasonably together person, but you had a rough trot of it that understandably left you in a very vulnerable state. Obviously this is just a guess, but it sounds as if deep down she feels guilty because she knows that she failed you when you needed her. Repressed guilt can make people do some cruel things - like, for instance, dumping a partner on the day of a close family member's funeral. Repressed guilt can also make people pass on blame....eg it's not that she's unable to cope with your grief, it's that you're too needy. Of course you were needy during those two months. Anyone would be - but from the way you describe it it's as if she took the way you coped with an extremely difficult and distressing time in your life and used it as a snapshot of who you are in your everyday life. I had something similar done to me by an ex. It doesn't leave you in a good place.
Author kjo314 Posted March 10, 2006 Author Posted March 10, 2006 pretty much when we talked on the phone she would bitch about how bad her life was and how she didn't want to be there in florida and then told me how she felt about us and then told me she needed space and that she had to go.. i never got a time to talk... I know what you mean but how do you forget about someone... she never usedto be like that till she moved.... She has cahnged so much... it is depressing to see it Her friends all tell me that she gives up easy on things in her life and doesn't fight too hard for anything... I don't know maybe she is the one that needs to grow up.. She told me that I had an immature look on the realtionship maybe she does too? I don't know
gfto Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 kjo, As some other posters have suggested, it's time to change your phone number and COMPLETELY CUT OFF CONTACT with this woman. You're reading way too much into this phone call. The fact that she is the one who called, and that she said "honey" and "sweetheart," means nothing....zero, zip, nada. This relationship is OVER! When she told you that she doesn't want you to move down there because she would feel guilty if it didn't work out, what she's actually telling you is that she knows, beyond any doubt, that it will NOT work. Why not? Because her interest level in you is extremely low. So low, in fact, that it can never come back up to where it was in the good old days, before you turned her into you mama. (I am sorry to hear about your family losses.) But, the fact is that when she tells you she feels like your mother, that's even worse than "let's just be friends." I wouldn't say she's crazy either. To the contrary, she knows exactly what she's doing. As with most relationships, you slowly lowered her interest level until she couldn't stand it anymore and finally dumped you. Of course, she'll call out of the blue from time to time just to get her ego stroked, and you did it! Offering to relocate to Florida for her?! Might as well take an engagement ring when you go! Seriously, though, you've got to move on. What happened to that new girl you were posting about a week or so ago?
Author kjo314 Posted March 10, 2006 Author Posted March 10, 2006 I don't know about this new girl.... that is a problem too... it just seems like she isn't interested of extremely busy we are doing something on Tuesday though.. see the problem is that i did nothing but talk to her about how her day was and stuff.. jsut because i called like 3 times a week she seemed to think that was too much.. that is why she thinks she was my mother.
jerbear Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 I like gfto's response. The new girl as in the sporty, french speaking one? Tuesdays... pretty much sounds like friendship to me. Friday and weekend activities, now that is a different story. I would suggest keeping the new one as a friend, however MOVE ON without the ex. Change your phone numbers, block them; tell her to stop being a mom and stop calling. Have a friend filter your voicemails and delete her's. If you want to keep the vicious cycle going, keep the phone #, listen to VM's, move down to her, then either be happily ever after or get a court order against you.
Author kjo314 Posted March 10, 2006 Author Posted March 10, 2006 no we scheduled a weekday thing because we both are busy on the weekends....
lexilas Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 all i needed was someone to love me and talk to me.... I understand what you were saying but if you have read my previous threads you will see that during this time she was having problems too and sharing that with me but not allowing me to talk to her aobut my stuff.... and then throughout this whole time she brought up the idea of an open realtionship and broke up with me the day of the funeral when i called her to talk to her after it. I've been following your thread and I'm not sure what's going on with your ex, but this I do know. The gf/bf stage of a relationship is the time that should be used to find out what each is made of (in case it leads to marriage). Do you really want to continue a relationship with someone who doesn't have your back when you need it most? Even if she didn't know what to do for you when you were grieving, simple solution....she could have asked you. Losing someone is one of the most difficult things one can go through in their life, and her reaction to you in your time of need should be enough to make you see her in a different light. I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you the best of luck - whatever you decide.
Author kjo314 Posted March 10, 2006 Author Posted March 10, 2006 For some reason or another I can't see her in a different light...I really wish I could... maybe it is just me thinking that I won't find anything better or that she is the best I can get... I don't know.... She was my first long term relationship too... maybe that is why it is causing me all this grief
blind_otter Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Or perhaps you are still dealing with grief from other areas of your life and it's easier to shovel it all onto the exGF. Back to my hidey hole, flame away! NOT everything is about RELATIONSHIPS!
jerbear Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Or perhaps you are still dealing with grief from other areas of your life and it's easier to shovel it all onto the exGF. Back to my hidey hole, flame away! NOT everything is about RELATIONSHIPS! Good point, this makes me want to reread his posts from Dec/Jan. Sounds like KJO fell apart and exGF couldn't handle it. Step away from the clam and no one gets hurt. Here is a |3 (clam)
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