kitten chick Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 First of all Smoochie, I don't like the word crazy but that's my own opinion and I will use it in the context of this post. I believe that I did say that there are women who are "crazy", they are the ones that have been diagnosed as mentally ill, just like men that are diagnosed as mentally ill. Being as I have no additional information about their relationship nor was I privy to their conversation I wouldn't be able to say for sure what KJO's ex is doing. It's clear to me that he's not over it since he's on LS looking for how to get her back. I'm sure if that came across here it must have gotten across to his ex. Perhaps she felt that she needed closure or that she wanted to give him closure. She's confused, possibly still has some feelings for him, or is just blowing smoke at him to make him feel better even though that is confusing...hardly crazy. She doesn't want to be with him as he is and she has clearly let him know that. If he can grow, not change, but grow into an independent individual that can care for himself then she may be open to giving it another chance. I think it would be good for anyone to be capable of caring for themself and not relying on others to take care of them. If he wants a woman that acts like a mom then he needs to move on to another woman because she doesn't want a child, that much is crystal clear. In simple terms, she needs for him to grow up.
SmoochieFace Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 If he wants a woman that acts like a mom then he needs to move on to another woman because she doesn't want a child, that much is crystal clear. Exactly, and that's why I suggested that he move on to someone who will accept him for who he is. He should not have to change for anyone. Period. In simple terms, she needs for him to grow up. No, she *needs* to not contact him and get him all confused. She needs to move on and find someone who is better suited for her. He doesn't have to *grow up* for her. Only for himself.
kitten chick Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 No, she *needs* to not contact him and get him all confused. She needs to move on and find someone who is better suited for her. Some people would be able to handle and understand the conversation that he had. It's not her fault that he didn't. We are responsible for our own actions and reactions. If he doesn't want to speak to her then he needs to tell her not to contact him. If she does after his request then it's her issue. He doesn't have to *grow up* for her. Only for himself. Where did I say that he had to grow up for her?!?! He should want to grow up for himself but that's his decision. She needs him to grow up if they are to be together, if he's not growing then she won't be with him because her needs aren't being met, plain and simple. As far as these hard times that she left you for, I'm not very clear on that. There's a lot of the story missing. Either way KJO, she's telling you that she can't be with you and she isn't acceping you for who you are so it would be best to grow or move on to someone who will accept you as you are now.
Author kjo314 Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 I am grown up we are both 21... we had a 3 year relationship.... I lost half my family that was the thing tha happened in a 2 month period. I had no one to turn to except for her. I am very mature I am. I couldn't diagnose this converstaion because she was sending mixed signals... asking me "if i would move down there still" and then telling me that she didn't want to feel bad if it didn't work out again. it was just confusing
SmoochieFace Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I am grown up we are both 21... That answers everything. I rest my case.
Author kjo314 Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 I am grown up that is the thing... I got clingy for 2 months of the realtionship I was perfectly fine the other 2 years and 10 months. Now I am back to my normal self but she wants to wait another year??? I might not be around by then... I have moved on I just don't understand what she wants is the question... When I asked her the only response I got was "I want you to be happy, that is what I want" I would be happy with her and she doesn't understand that
Author kjo314 Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 but if she contacted me to explain what she did... why would she turn around and give me a hope for the future??? Almost like she wants it to happen..
kitten chick Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I am grown up that is the thing... I got clingy for 2 months of the realtionship I was perfectly fine the other 2 years and 10 months. Now I am back to my normal self but she wants to wait another year??? I might not be around by then... I have moved on I just don't understand what she wants is the question... When I asked her the only response I got was "I want you to be happy, that is what I want" I would be happy with her and she doesn't understand that I'm sorry kjo, I don't mean to sound harsh but you're still not understanding. She does understand that you feel you would be happy with her but from what you've written she's trying to tell you that she won't be happy with you. I'm sorry for your family losses. You're going through a hard time right now. Just know that one day you will come out of it a better person for having been through all of this.
SmoochieFace Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I am grown up that is the thing... I got clingy for 2 months of the realtionship I was perfectly fine the other 2 years and 10 months. Now I am back to my normal self but she wants to wait another year??? I might not be around by then... I have moved on I just don't understand what she wants is the question... When I asked her the only response I got was "I want you to be happy, that is what I want" I would be happy with her and she doesn't understand that She is confused... and at 21 she has more *growing up* to do. She most likely doesn't know what she wants... how many 21 y/o females know what they want anyway? Don't stick around waiting for her to decide what she wants... hell, she may still be confused at 30! The point of all this is for you to put yourself in the number one slot - look out for you, get on with your life, and find a woman who will appreciate you the way you are.
blind_otter Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I am grown up we are both 21... we had a 3 year relationship.... I lost half my family that was the thing tha happened in a 2 month period. I had no one to turn to except for her. Well here's the issue right here. My condolensces for what happened to your family. But often when we grieve we wish to lean on our loved ones for support and sometimes they are incapable of giving it. THey may never have lost a loved on before, and don't know how to give support. Or they may have issues in dealing with loss themselves. The healthy thing is to disengage rather than potetially damage someone more by trying to help ineffectually. In these cases, a professional grief counselor through Hospice would be a better choice. They are equipped to deal with loss, and know specific things and techniques you can do, and are objectively separated from the situation. For me, for example, I have PTSD from rape trauma syndrome. How unfair it would be for me to ask a BF or lover to be there for me when they don't understand what it is that I need? I need counseling from a person equipped to deal with the treatment of sexual trauma, not a BF who cares but doesn't know what he's doing. See what I'm saying?
Author kjo314 Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 but if she wouldn't be happy with me then why did she say "Love had nothing to do with it... I just felt like your mother" and why would she say "I would like to try it again when I get back in Ohio but I don't want to take the chance of another long-distance realtionship that might not work out"
Author kjo314 Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 all i needed was someone to love me and talk to me.... I understand what you were saying but if you have read my previous threads you will see that during this time she was having problems too and sharing that with me but not allowing me to talk to her aobut my stuff.... and then throughout this whole time she brought up the idea of an open realtionship and broke up with me the day of the funeral when i called her to talk to her after it.
blind_otter Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 long distance relationships are hard, if you're grieving I doubt you could handle the stress. seems sensitive on her part.
blind_otter Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 all i needed was someone to love me and talk to me.... I understand what you were saying but if you have read my previous threads you will see that during this time she was having problems too and sharing that with me but not allowing me to talk to her aobut my stuff.... and then throughout this whole time she brought up the idea of an open realtionship and broke up with me the day of the funeral when i called her to talk to her after it. This why you pay someone to be a grief counselor for you. Then they are bound to listen to you and trained to help you deal with grief. She obviously didn't know how to help you and didn't take your issue seriously enough, which is normal since she didn't go through 6-8 years of schooling to learn how to help people in your situation.
Author kjo314 Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 actually she did... she is a psychology major
Author kjo314 Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 i would move down to where she is... but she said she doesn't want me to move down there just for her because if it didn't work out she would feel terrible... she doesn't understand that it would be good for me to get out of this area and start somewhere else By the way she is a mental health coundeler doctoral student
blind_otter Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 actually she did... she is a psychology major Honey, I have a BS in psychology and I wouldn't EVER venture to counsel someone in something as serious as grief issues. It's unethical to counsel your partners, if she was in school she should have learned this. It is irresponsible and unethical to try to be your partner's counselor because you are too close to the situation to give proper therapeutic treatment.
blind_otter Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 i would move down to where she is... but she said she doesn't want me to move down there just for her because if it didn't work out she would feel terrible... she doesn't understand that it would be good for me to get out of this area and start somewhere else By the way she is a mental health coundeler doctoral student Is she doing a program where you get your Master's and PhD all at once? Because otherwise she wouldn't be OLD enough to be in a doctoral program. I'm just SAYINNNNNN.
Author kjo314 Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 I didn't need a counseler i jsut needed someone to say hi to.. someone to tell me they loved me... I didn't need a crutch to talk about my problems... but she started the.. i need space thing.. and I just needed some love..she didn't even know what happened in my life because i didn't want to induce panic in her because she was having her own problems..
Author kjo314 Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 yea she is doin that program where you get both at the same time .. she is in the 2nd year of a 4 year program.. The situation is that I am done I hve moved on with that.. I am back to normal again.. I don't let the death get the best of me.... so... how could I ever get back with her... I just don't understand what she is telling me that is the thing.
blind_otter Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 i'm unsubscribing from this thread. good luck to you.
SmoochieFace Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Honey, I have a BS in psychology and I wouldn't EVER venture to counsel someone in something as serious as grief issues. It's unethical to counsel your partners, if she was in school she should have learned this. It is irresponsible and unethical to try to be your partner's counselor because you are too close to the situation to give proper therapeutic treatment. This is ridiculous. She doesn't have to be his *counselor* but she could have at least gave him some support instead of laying it all on him as his *problem*. Grieving over a loss does not indicate immaturity and a need to grow up. I think she just doesn't want the responsibility of a mature relationship and all that comes with it... after all, she IS only 21... and she is using this whole episode as a sad excuse.
Author kjo314 Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 I don't know this whole thing jsut depresses me again... ARGGGHHH!
kitten chick Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Have you been to a councelor? It might be a good idea.
michelangelo Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 And being a little chicken in telling you to twist on a string for a year for her. She basically wants to move on but feels guilty in telling you. so she does the chicken thing and tells you to change and in a year she'll have you back. But you know what will happen after a year of you twisting in the wind wasting your life? She'll find some other time consuming task for you to do. I find it kind of ironic that she is in training to become a psychologist yet cannot muster enough interest in providing a shoulder for you to lean on for a couple of months. What in blazes does she think a shrink does for a living? I'm not suggesting she has to be your counselor, btw. However, couples are there for each other. Clearly, she is not there for you. Move on, do not move to florida for her!
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