betsyd Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Well, I never thought I'd be posting about something like this, but I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. I've been dating someone for four months who has been separated from his wife for almost a year. As a matter of fact, his lawyer is sending his wife the divorce papers in about three weeks. They have no kids together or property to divide, and although they dated for about five years, they were only married for six months. Last Sat., he finds out from neighbors that she has been seen at his house that morning, so he just shuts down on me and doesn't even want me at his house because he's afraid she'll show up. Well, she had called 13 times that day and hung up, and she did come up there that night - crying and banging on the door and saying she wasn't going to give him a divorce. All this week, she's been calling him on his cell and at home. About two months ago, he told me she showed up where he was working at and busted his lip. She showed up with her little girl and told him that her daughter wanted to talk to him. This child is only 6 years old, and she told him that she loved him and she wanted him to be with her mommy. He told her that he would always love her, but that he didn't love her mommy and they couldn't be together. Supposedly, that's when she busted his lip. He won't get a restraining order against her because he says he doesn't want to provoke her. I asked him just how much "provoking" from her is enough for you to do something about it? Now, that all of this has happened, he doesn't want me to come to his house. I can understand him not wanting me to be in the middle of this, but the fact is, I am. I don't know how much she knows about me, but if she knows anything, she hasn't bothered me. It's so odd that now that the year is almost up, she has been raising heck with him and bothering him more than ever. I told him that even after he gets a divorce, it still doesn't mean she'll leave us alone. Before we started dating, she wanted to try again, but he found out all she wanted was money, so he didn't even give her a chance to move back in with him. It is my fault that I broke my one golden rule...don't date anybody who is separated. At first, I said well, he will make a good new friend for me, but I never thought I'd fall in love with him. He tells me he is not going to lose me because of her, but how much bending and compromising on my part is just too much?? As I see it, I have two choices - deal with the situation and try to be strong or walk away. All of this is affecting my well-being and happiness, and I don't know which way to turn. Any advice or comments would be most appreciated.
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 You need to detach yourself from this man until he sorts out his life. You don't want to get too involved and then have to deal with a big hurt if he chooses to go back to his wife. The good thing is, they were separated BEFORE you two met, so this has nothing to do with you, why they're getting a divorce. So maybe because of that you just have to give him time. Back off, give him some space and enjoy YOUR life. Then when things settle down and he is on his own for a little while, see what happens. The fact it is affecting your mental health isn't good, so you have to put yourself first. Let him deal with his baggage.
Author betsyd Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 Unfortunately, I am already too involved, and that's why it's so hard to walk away. I told him Tues. night that I would gladly back away and let him sort out this mess on his own, but he says there's no way he's going to allow that because he's not going to lose me because of her. Maybe he'll change his mind once he realizes she's not going to let up. Thanks for your help. You are right. He does need to deal with his baggage.
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 You don't need to walk away and end it, you just need to detach abit, take a step back...Don't make him your whole focus right now. Be with friends and family. Do the things you used to do before you met him. If he feels the marriage is definately over, nothing she does will change his mind. Though, I think he does need some time alone, just to work through feelings. Even though the marriage is over, it takes time to heal and that is better for both of you. Don't rush into an intimate relationship with him so quickly. Date and have fun, take things slow. Good luck and stay positive.
Author betsyd Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 That's what I want to do. Just detach myself a bit, but he's not going to let that happen and then when she comes around again and starts stirring up trouble, he's the one who shuts me out and then I'm left whipping in the wind. I told myself that I could take some time to do things for me and just cool things down, but this is a guy who calls me about 3-4 times a day. I will try talking to him tonight about him taking some time to sort things out and being sure of what he wants. I bet I know what kind of reaction I'm going to get though.
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