theedge Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Hey all, I am in a bit of a mess. I am very torn with the possibiltiy of what I might need to do. Here are some things that are leaning me away. Background I am from the big city and she is from the suburbs about 1 hour away. When we started dating we saw each other on weekends only. I had never been in a relationship and I am in my 30's and she had been in 5. In the begining there was so much love. She was patient, caring, easy going and took things as they came. She loved my friends and my family and always made an effort to be friendly. After several months she decided she wanted to move in together and find a job in my city. I was a bit weary of her moving in just incase things didn't work out. She told me how great it would be in my small 1 bedroom apartment. She said she would get a job here and we would split costs in half and then in time move out to a bigger place. I still wasn't to keen on the idea but didn't put my foot down and say no. She applied for jobs and landed one, there was no talk of moving in she just came over one weekend and stayed. 2 months after moving in she demanded for us to move and this has been a heated debate for almost a year now. Also she said that when marriage comes we move to the burbs. I don't drive so doint it would loose my independance. Now here is the part that starts causing trouble. When we met I think we portrayed ourselves as something we weren't. I acted clean, neat and organized, but I am the exact opposite. Almost right after moving in things started to change. Suddenly she no longer had patience and would get upset at me for many things. True I admit I am forgetfull and disorganized. If I didn't do the dishes for example she would raise her voice at me to get it done and then I would get the silent treatment for forgetting. She suddenly developed a major temper and I myself and very mild mannered. With all the raised voices and silent treatment I tried my best to work on the things, but it was always something. Also I was a virgin when I met her and she had been with 4 people. I waited 4 months to have sex and as soon as we started having sex a week later it stopped. I would hint at sex and still get nothing. It took 2 months to have sex again and then it stopped again. This started causing me to doubt myself and then I developed arousal problems. In the last year I have had sex twice and she has been willing to have sex 4 times. She blames me for the lack of sex. I have tried to intiate it, but it never works. Excuses range from falling asleep, sick, headache, tired, have things to do and it goes on. On the job front, 2 months after getting her job she lost it. In the time she had it I was never offered money to help with the bills. When she lost the job I was there to support her and give help her look for new work. Since that time she has lost 2 other jobs. She has gotten a job now and seems ok, but she is still in the probation period for another 2 months. My birthday was the icing on the cake. 3 months ago she quit smoking and I said I would try. I cut down from 1 2/3 packs a day to a couple. Every once in a while she would detect the smell on me and be upset. I never lied and she didn't seem to get too upset. On my b-day we went out with my friends and at one points I decided to go for a smoke. I told her before hand and I got the cold attitude and was told not to kiss her. 4 of us left and went to another bar where I had a few more ciggareetes. This just escalated the matter and made her more angry. One of my friends accidentily tipped a glass of water that dumped in my girlfriends lap. My friend went to apologise but my girlfriend bolted and ran to the washroom. I told my friend as my b-day present will you go check on her and she did. I said I was going to the washroom, but went for one more smoke with the other smoker and she saw me outside. This made her blood boil. She told my friend she was leaving and to tell me to make my own way home. My friend stopped her, but we left as soon as we got back to the table. My girlfriend didn't talk to me and walked about 10 paces in front of me. The next morning the day of my acctual b-day she was already up. I came in to the living room to the silent treatment. No happy birthday or anything. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that last night was a horrible night for her. She told me that she gave me the choice of smoking or her and I chose smoking. We exchanged very little words the rest of the day and sadly things just haven't recovered. In general for a while there has been very little chemistry. She no longer likes any of my friends saying that they don't welcome and accept her. My friends can come accross as snooty, but I don't think either side made a major effort to get to know each other. Several months ago the "I love yous" would happen a few times a day, as of now its been said once in the last 3 days. Obviously we are not sexually compadable. My main problems are how to impliment this. When she lived in the burbs it was with her parents in the basement where it was like her own apartment. The momment she moved out her sister took it and this means she would have to live in a bedroom on the main floor with her parents. She can always commute to work by train so thats not an issue. I worry about the talk of her leaving, when to do it, and how to bring it up. Then there is the idea of moving her stuff out. I personally don't think she is happy either, and have wondered why she hasn't left. There are times where she says "I couldn't survive with out you". Do I throw all the cards on the table and give it another go or do I call it quits? Its so confusing for me. Any advice?
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