l2hvn Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Can you be a friend with your ex? Is it really possible to be supportive without feeling what you're feeling deep down? My ex and I broke up last week. He has a lot going on in his life and doesn't really know where he's going. He told me he still wants me in his life right now and be there for him. And that he still has feelings for me. But that he'd be lying if he told me he still wants to be in a relationship with me. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with anybody. I know that for a fact. It would be the last thing on his mind. He's currently dealing with some financial crisis and doesn't really have a clear direction in his life. This was the reason our relationship suffered. He's depressed, etc. I love him and care about him and want to support him. I want to be there for him. But is it really possible to just be friends? To step backwards? He said that sometimes, in order to move forward, you need to take a step backward. Has anybody been in a situation like this?
catgirl1927 Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 It sounds to me like a cake and eat it too situation. He wants you around, supporting him, but he wants his options open should he meet someone new. I have never bought that "I have a lot going on in my life so I just want to be friends with you right now, but don't date anyone else or leave or anything, just give me my freedom and continue to be there for me" business. I've heard it before, and usually what they are "going through" is a 22 year old cocktail waitress. But I'm kind of personalizing... I don't think you can take a step backward. Once you have had sex with someone, you are never just "friends". The attraction is always, always there. Always. I think you should tell him that you care about him and understand his feelings and are sorry for his troubles, but you also are a person who has a right to a life and happiness, so you're going to move on and wish him the best.
SmoochieFace Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Nope. I don't believe in being *friends* or anything for that matter with an X... ESPECIALLY if she was the dumper. ZC - Zero Contact - all the way.
SmoochieFace Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 The attraction is always, always there. Always. I do not agree with this. Once she is an X there is zero attraction. Nothing there to be attracted to.
Art_Critic Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 ZC - Zero Contact - all the way. I like this SF.. A replacement for NC .. since most people think the NC means Contact. I do agree that you cannot be friends with an ex.. but I do think that after enough time goes by that you can. You have to get rid of all feelings of wanting that person from both sides in order to be friends.
Author l2hvn Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 I told him maybe we need this space to sort things out. Maybe we need this time apart so he can deal with whatever he's going through. He said "out of sight, out of mind." And that if I really care about him and want to be there for him, then I should be a friend. Somebody he can talk to, lean on to. He wants me to be supportive. It's not even about being FWB. No sex, nothing like that... just to be there. I said I can't be just friends. And he said well it would be my decision. He said if I really truly care about him, then I wouldn't have any ulterior motives. He said that my love is conditional. And he doesn't want any conditions. And that successful relationships always have strong friendship as a foundation.
Art_Critic Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 He said that my love is conditional. And All romantic love is conditional..
SmoochieFace Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I told him maybe we need this space to sort things out. Maybe we need this time apart so he can deal with whatever he's going through. He said "out of sight, out of mind." And that if I really care about him and want to be there for him, then I should be a friend. Somebody he can talk to, lean on to. He wants me to be supportive. It's not even about being FWB. No sex, nothing like that... just to be there. I said I can't be just friends. And he said well it would be my decision. He said if I really truly care about him, then I wouldn't have any ulterior motives. He said that my love is conditional. And he doesn't want any conditions. And that successful relationships always have strong friendship as a foundation. Then let him go, let him sort out whatever he needs to sort out FOR HIMSELF - not in order to *get back* with you - and you can move on with your life.
catgirl1927 Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 He is manipulating you with guilt to get you to do what he wants you to do. This doesn't sound like the way someone treats someone they love unconditionally. He needs to practice what he preaches, and show some concern for your feelings.
silverbeamer Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 You would be allowing him to use you if you agreed to just be there for him during his time of need and it will be emotionally draining on you. He would not be interested in you or what's going on in your life... he would only use you to listen to him and his problems. So, I say NO. You can't be friends with an ex. I've tried it and I was the only one that ended up getting hurt because I thought the time we spent together was more then just a friendship. There is always a reason why you split in the first place.
jerbear Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 For me, no; I never became friends with ex's afterwards even if there was a simple friendship. You can let go even after 5 years. "Simple friendship" as in acquantince, business partner, fellow alumni. Friendship is higher than "simple." True friendship as in really helping each other out, sorta like family. Not the friends and family plan; it is the family plan. None of my ex's started in the true friends column more like simple friendships then romantic.
PlentyLV007 Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I don't believe in friends after breaking up with my ex's. Especially my last one. I was with him for 5 years and I broke up with him. We've only talked once after 2 years being broken up but, we talked for closure on my part. I called him, left him a voicemail and had no expectaition of him calling me back since I did break up with him. He actually called me back and we spoke for about 2 hours about every thing and anything. We didn't argue , I didn't want him back, and I didn't cry. I was proud of myself. =) Especially after going through a lot of pain for my loss. Which nobody seems to understand.... I kept getting questions like ....Why do you hurt if you left him? That doesn't mean I didn't love him. I left him because he had to grow as a man to realize what he wants in life. Not just becaues our committment of 5 years does, that mean you should be forced to take bigger steps in life...like moving in toghether or marriage which I had wanted from him. Yet the questions of begger committement was doubted on both our parts. You guys haven't been broken up for a while...wounds are still fresh....at least on his part it sounds like it.... I don't know....You'll really have to think this through.
MadDog Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I think two conditions have to be met before exes can become friends: 1. The breakup was a mutual decision 2. Both parties don't have feelings for the other person. The problem is, 99% of the time, these conditions can't be met so you're left with just cutting your losses and moving on. In your case, I think the feelings are still strong on both sides so it might be best to take a break for a while until the emotions are somewhat less extreme. MD
Naive Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 It sounds to me like a cake and eat it too situation. YOU READ MY MIND!!! This is the first thing that came to my head when I red the original post. This guy just wants to have his fun, but have you stick around just incase he has a hard time after all his fun.
SmoochieFace Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Why would anyone even WANT to be *friends* with an X?
MadDog Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Why would anyone even WANT to be *friends* with an X? I would. My ex and I were good friends before we got together. Although we can't be together, I've got nothing but love for her. I want to be friends but she doesn't think she can. It really blows. MD
Pendawn Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I told him maybe we need this space to sort things out. Maybe we need this time apart so he can deal with whatever he's going through. He said "out of sight, out of mind." And that if I really care about him and want to be there for him, then I should be a friend. Somebody he can talk to, lean on to. He wants me to be supportive. It's not even about being FWB. No sex, nothing like that... just to be there. I said I can't be just friends. And he said well it would be my decision. He said if I really truly care about him, then I wouldn't have any ulterior motives. He said that my love is conditional. And he doesn't want any conditions. And that successful relationships always have strong friendship as a foundation. He's being totally selfish. What about HIM being a friend to you?? He's not even considering that, he's just thinking about what HE wants/what you can give him. If he truly cared about you he would understand that by dumping you he has rejected youa dn hurt your feeligns and he shoudl udnerstand you need time away form him to heal and move on. He is using you to get what he wants - support etc - without giving anything back. My ex kinda tried this with me, was still using me as the person he turned to for friendship/support etc and I told him no way, it's not my job any more. All of my wasn't good enough as a partner so he doesn't get to just pick and chose what he wants. Thankfully now over a year later he gets it and we are still "friends" in that once a month or so we'll chat online, catch up etc but I'm not his support anymore and he knows it.
PlentyLV007 Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I would. My ex and I were good friends before we got together. Although we can't be together, I've got nothing but love for her. I want to be friends but she doesn't think she can. It really blows. MD Sounds like me w/ my ex..... My first love of course and I was really good friends with him before we hooked up.... I don't think I could ever be friends with him.
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 My fiance is BEST friends with his ex. I mean, they still hang out (with out me being as I don't care for her) Its totally platonic. I guess when they broke up...towards the end of their relationship, they basically were friends, so when they finally broke up, nothing changed. Except they don't have feelings anymore. I don't want to hear "That's what you think" I KNOW nothing is going on, She's got a bf and he's about to get married..So Yes I think its possible
SmoochieFace Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I would. My ex and I were good friends before we got together. Although we can't be together, I've got nothing but love for her. I want to be friends but she doesn't think she can. It really blows. MD But why? I'm not understanding it...
MadDog Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 But why? I'm not understanding it... Why do I want to be friends with her? For one, I enjoy our conversations. I also care about her and want to know what's going on in her life. I also want to be there for her as a friend if she ever needs me. It's the same reason why you'd want to be friends with anyone. MD
SmoochieFace Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Why do I want to be friends with her? For one, I enjoy our conversations. I also care about her and want to know what's going on in her life. I also want to be there for her as a friend if she ever needs me. It's the same reason why you'd want to be friends with anyone. MD Xs aren't just *anyone*. Oh well... my way works well for me and that's all that matters. Never be friends with anyone who screws me over AND breaking up with me is one example of screwing me over.
MadDog Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Xs aren't just *anyone*. Oh well... my way works well for me and that's all that matters. Never be friends with anyone who screws me over AND breaking up with me is one example of screwing me over. But I mean if things just aren't working out between the two of you (personality differences, life situations, etc), sometimes breaking up is the best thing for both people. I don't think you can make such a generic statement like, "breaking up with me is one example of screwing me over." I broke up with my girlfriend but I don't think I was screwing her over. If anything I saved our careers. MD
SmoochieFace Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 But I mean if things just aren't working out between the two of you (personality differences, life situations, etc), sometimes breaking up is the best thing for both people. I don't think you can make such a generic statement like, "breaking up with me is one example of screwing me over." I broke up with my girlfriend but I don't think I was screwing her over. If anything I saved our careers. MD If things aren't *working out* then there is no need to have ANY contact with each other. Uh... I can make that statement for myself because that's exactly what it is. I have never left anyone - I was the one who was always left behind - and, yes, I was screwed over as a result.
PlentyLV007 Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I don't know how I would have handled it differently if my ex would have left me.... It was bad enought when I left him.... I haven't been the person to be left....I'm sure it's just as hurtful....
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