TiredandWorkinghard Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Hi, Ive got quite a dilemma. I am totally in love with an older woman, I've loved her from the first kiss. We started dating about 5 months ago and everything seemed to be going great. I met her father and he even seemed to like me. I remember when she mentioned something offhandedly to her mother, the mother seemed to freak. I also sensed that some of her friends didn't think it was appropriate. I dont understand how age comes into play where love is involved. As long as both people are adults. Well, My problem is that she broke up with me a few days after valentines day and gave very shakey reasons why. One being that she felt I should be with someone my own age, another being that I may want to start a family and she wasnt capable of doing so. I was out of work for a month or so, and she had trouble with that as well, but I started a job as quickly as I could. I even took the night shift. We saw each other once a week, and she didnt think that it was fair to me. I explained to her that it was perfectly understandable. some people need more space than others. Particularly when they are trying to evaluate their own feelings. I usually called her at night to bid her sweet dreams before heading to work. I thought that I was being the most caring, loving, understanding, and all around best that any woman could wish for. If I could I would give her anything that her heart desired. I truly love this woman and she claimed that she loved me as well, but that she "was not IN love with me" what does that mean???
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 My problem is that she broke up with me a few days after valentines day and gave very shakey reasons why. One being that she felt I should be with someone my own age, another being that I may want to start a family and she wasnt capable of doing so. These are *not* shaky reasons. And a clue to the fact that her heart is not in this. Accept her decision, grit your teeth, move on.
Author TiredandWorkinghard Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 I guess that might be true, but I'm having such a difficult time letting go. Plus I still get the feeling that she is trying to protect herself from getting too involved and the getting hurt later on...
sexyLMC Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 im only young so you know maybe i get things wrong but what i wanted to say was, im only 17 and my ex was 26, that is not a very big age gap in letters, but in other ways its a huge age gap.. i know sometimes i could of been sitting in a room with him and id notice how the age effects things in different ways! i dont think age matters theres 16yrs between my mum and dad and they are like best mates aswel as partners but sometimes the gao between age makes you realise the difference's in people hun.. sorry if this hurts your feelings.. be strong hun ull find somebody one day.
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Plus I still get the feeling that she is trying to protect herself from getting too involved and the getting hurt later on... Maybe. But this kind of mentality might explain why you're having such a hard time letting go. IME, the best is to take the rejection at face value, move on. Take a couple of months where you don't contact her - not because you hate her, but because you need time to heal and move on. Don't make a fuss, just disappear off her radar. Do some fun things, some self-improvement, get out with friends. Anything to underline to yourself that it's now about you and your future, not about her and the relationship.
littlekitty Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Regardless of her reasons, she's an adult women and she's made her choice. She clearly has her own reasons for this, and I doubt you can now change her mind. Her reasons sound valid, and are very much reasons the relationship could/would fail. I think you just have to accept that this didn't work and move on.
riobikini Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 RE: I truly love this woman and she claimed that she loved me as well, but that she "was not IN love with me" what does that mean??? You're asking for a female insight into your problem. Here's mine: If it were me, I'd be saying, "God, here is a truly wonderful man who is everything I want, -but due to his young(er) age, I might be making the wrong decision to be in a committed relationship with him, because he's just young enough to be changing and growing in a few years...and breaking my heart along with the changes." I'd protect my heart, I'd tell you that I loved you, (it'd be true) -but I'd run from being 'in love' with you as soon as I saw the possibility I might be falling. -Rio
Author TiredandWorkinghard Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 Haha, I guess my intuition was more correct than I thought. Well thanks for all your input! I had a nice conversation with her this morning and we agreed that being friends would be fine. I actually feel much better now than I did after I made that post. Somehow I know that everything will work out in the end. Even if we aren't in a romantic relationship at least we can continue on as friends. It's strange how I feel right now. Like a burden has been lifted from my heart and now I can breath again. Though I never was much one for the dating scene, I suppose that I can go on those blind dates my friends have been dying to set me up on. HAHA(I'm terrified of blind dates =b)
Raven1845 Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I agree with Rio . . . if you're at a time in your life when you're growing and changing, it may be kind of scary to her wondering if your feelings for her will change. She may be protecting herself. However . . . I'm not judging and I don't mean anything bad by this, but . . . You went from being madly in love with her and not wanting to let her go -- to feeling better and considering going on blind dates all in 4 hours time? What's your secret? I wish I could do that.
GB111 Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 What does it mean? She wanted sex. Don't think women are above it any more than men are. She regrets it, and if you want more, the only way to get it is to back off COMPLETELY. Just know that you're being used. If you're ok with just sex, you can get more by being indifferent. You will never have a meaningful, lasting relationship. Sorry, but that's the fax.
gfto Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 One possibility is that she just wanted to take a roll in the hay with a younger guy. (I saw another post which sounds like the exact same story. You're 21, and she's 40, right?) She got what she wanted, and now she's finished with you. Another possibility is that she had high interest in you initially, but you lowered it quickly by being too available. You shouldn't be calling her every night. Showing up at her workplace was a sensational mistake, especially if she had not already asked you to be exclusive. (I'm assuming she didn't.) What does "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you mean," you ask? It means "I'm finished with you; leave me alone."
Author TiredandWorkinghard Posted March 10, 2006 Author Posted March 10, 2006 Well I lied. I'm not completely over her, and I've decided to stay out of the dating game and concentrate wholly on my career. Like I said we had a chat and decided it would be in our best interest to remain friends. One thing that she said is that she feels we are at two different points in our lives. Which I can understand, but one thing love is not good at is timing heh. I have come to the conclusion that I will always love her, and that if she wanted to get back together I would want some kind of definate commitment. I really think that our friendship could be lasting even if it was nothing else. She is still a wonderful person, just as caring and funny as when we first met.
Lishy Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 That age gap is huge! Some people can argue that age is just a number but the difference in maturity in a male and female at 21 is huge so the difference between a 40 yr old woman and a 21 yr old guy is immense! I am 34 and I was dating a guy of 28 and even though you wouldnt have put me as older than him to look at us I felt like his mother and he was very mature for his age - I had passed my driving test before he went into secondary school! Scary! Forget about her honey and move on to someone who you can build a futire with - You may not want kids now but in 10 years you may and you would never have them with her. Imagine when you are 35 and she is 54!
Author TiredandWorkinghard Posted March 10, 2006 Author Posted March 10, 2006 As a matter of fact I have imagined it. I will have finnished med school. I already work in a hospital and currently am working towards my R/N. She is in the process of changing jobs at the moment which is causing her a lot of stress. Her maturity level is not much more than mine, and quite frankly I don't think maturity was really the issue here. I think it was my indecisiveness, and inability to act. It's quite funny really, before she met me I was only working part time. Now I work more than 60 hours a week, I pick up extra shifts whenever I can. Im taking a loan out on a new car. I've set up my retirement accounts and deposit money every paycheck. I think that I have it pretty much together for a man my age. I am responsible. I dont use drugs, I drink infrequently, and I dont smoke. I am kind, caring, loving, comforting, strong and stable. I think that Raven and Rio hit the proverbial nail on the head in their post's. I think she may have started to "Fall in love" and was frightened that I might leave her for someone younger and better looking (which I think is a crock cause to me she is absolutely beautiful) And as to the family line of thought. I do not want kids. They cost a lot of money, you can't travel as much, and you certainly don't get to have much of a social life. I have seen what having children did to my parents and those of my friends. So thanks but no thanks. I'll dote on my nieces and nephews then send them back home to their parents.
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 I have seen what having children did to my parents Teehee
Author TiredandWorkinghard Posted March 10, 2006 Author Posted March 10, 2006 Hah, its true. Kids are both a blessing and a curse. The bringing of new life into the world and teaching, raising, and caring for them can be the most beautiful thing in a persons life. The opposite can be said as well children can be disrespectful, uncaring, physically , emotionally, and financially damaging. Not to mention the stress involved. I'd rather LIVE my own life then in my old age tell it to my great nieces and nephews and any other youngsters that would like to hear about my adventures(and they will be numerous).
jerbear Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Forget about her honey and move on to someone who you can build a futire with - You may not want kids now but in 10 years you may and you would never have them with her. Imagine when you are 35 and she is 54! Life stages is something I believe in, some 20 somethings look and act 40 while some 40 yr olds have an emotional IQ of a 30 yr old. I think it comes down to not just age but where one is at in life and journey to the end. Do you two have the similar life paths, journey's, and goals? 54 and 35 is pretty big. She is about to retire while you are near early/mid career. Being 35 at a big company is a nice age to be considering the dating pool. BTW my mom is young as in she is 51, I'm 30. Really scary to think that I would be dating my mom's friends.
Lishy Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 I really do not mean to sound condescending but at 21 your thought patterns are completely different to when you reach 30 - I know that because i have experienced it. You may think your maturity level is high but maturity comes with life experiences and you have plenty more of those to come before you realy know what you want in life! At 21 no-one could possibly know that they never want kids - They just know that they dont want kids right now. Personally I agree that she was too into you and it frightened her and I can see her point completely. If she has sense she will steer clear and meet someone on the same wavelength and allow you to do the same - I know you will read this and think I am talking out of my arse as I do not know neither you nor her, but that age gap is far too big for it to be able to work in the long term - You have a lot of living to do and lots of people to meet TAWH and you should allow yourself to feel your heartache and then one day you will look back and realise it was the right thing to happen.
Raven1845 Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 BTW my mom is young as in she is 51, I'm 30. Really scary to think that I would be dating my mom's friends. Well, Richard Gere and Harrison Ford are well over 20 years older than me, and I would NOT kick them out of my bed! Tiredandworkinghard, Lishy is a sweetie. I think she's just trying to show you all angles of it. She makes a valid point and half of me agrees, however, the other half honestly doesn't see a problem with age differences. I know that someone at 21 has A LOT of life experiences to go through, but I also believe that each person in this world matures differently. My emotional personality has always been 15 to 20 years older than I actually am. Everyone is different. Look up this couple: Maxwell Caulfield and Juliet Mills. She is 18 years older than he is and they have been married since 1980. Not too shabby . . . and he was a FOX! He was in Grease II.
michelangelo Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Will she be appealing to you? think about it.
Raven1845 Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 When you are 45 and she is 64. Will she be appealing to you? think about it. Most importantly . . . Love shouldn't be about looks. If you love someone, they will always be appealing to you. And on a different note . . . some people actually age quite well, and even look better with age. I don't know a 21-one-year-old that can hold a candle to Michelle Pfeiffer, and she's 48. Bo Derek is 50, and I doubt while she's riding on top of her much younger boyfriend that he's thinking, "Man, she's old."
riobikini Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Raven: " And on a different note . . . some people actually age quite well, and even look better with age. I don't know a 21-one-year-old that can hold a candle to Michelle Pfeiffer, and she's 48. Bo Derek is 50, and I doubt while she's riding on top of her much younger boyfriend that he's thinking, "Man, she's old." 'Ditto'. I'm 45, proud of my age, and holding together fairly well (Smile)...but as far as being with a much younger man, it would simply be for fun, -not a serious relationship with future-planning discussions. On the other hand, many men my age and somewhat older, -once they learn my age- suddenly cool down considerably. Although I can easily pass for 10-12 years my junior, my age does seem to matter, -sadly for them. But if I'm on the beach in a bikini, not yelling out my age, they can happily think whatever they want to, -and that's OK by me. (Smile) -Rio
jerbear Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Well, Richard Gere and Harrison Ford are well over 20 years older than me, and I would NOT kick them out of my bed! Being a straight hetero guy, I would I know that someone at 21 has A LOT of life experiences to go through, but I also believe that each person in this world matures differently. My emotional personality has always been 15 to 20 years older than I actually am. Everyone is different. Very true, the other part of my post was about life stages. At 21, a girl or guy has not really experienced the world. At 30? and 40, one should know where they have been and might be. "My" 40 yr old lady, pointed out that she started her business, is 10 years older than me, wants me to utilize my MS degree and maximize my potential; pursue younger women. Her mid-life crisis was not being married, no kids, and I'm at that point to get married and have kids. I already have a career and doing some changes, plus I helped her get the motivation, the drive, and desire to start her business. Sorta backed her and pushed her boundaries. She and I are on similar wavelengths; the life stage of marriage and having kids; business ideals, backgrounds, and thoughts. She prefers older men as in 5+ which I said to her good luck finding never married and no kids without issues. The issue I bring up from being a guy and getting the speech from my lady; is life stages. Where are you going, and where am I going, because both have to plan for the future. Just sharing what I experienced with my lady. Riobikini, you're hot!
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