justagirliegirl Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 What are the signs? How do you avoid wasting years with them?
Candied-Heart Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I guess it depends what age you are and the age of the person in question. I dated a commitment phobe at 17, he was 18 so understandably I shouldn't have expected him to know who or what he wanted at a tender age, yet the traits were still there and suggestive of those in their 20s, 30s etc. -- They pick at the relationship, causing stupid fights or almost 'spoiling' a good thing because they are afraid of getting too close. -- They admit they feel smothered. Ask for space, and other games like that. -- They tend to see you attempt to move on once you've 'realised' they are a CP and chase after you, claiming they are ready. They don't want anyone else to have you. -- They don't let you stay over, meet your friends, they keep your dates very casual and they never seem to lead anywhere. etc etc
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Check out non-romantic aspects of their life too. Their track record in keeping friends and holding down jobs can give you an insight.
littlekitty Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Unwillingness to discuss the future... *especially once in a relationship* Doesn't talk about the future in regards to marriage/children... Unwilling to plan far ahead...
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Unwillingness to discuss the future... *especially once in a relationship* Doesn't talk about the future in regards to marriage/children... Unwilling to plan far ahead... Also IME, *over*willingness to plan the future and to talk about marriage and children.
littlekitty Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Also IME, *over*willingness to plan the future and to talk about marriage and children. Interesting really?! Can you give a bit of a senario? Like for how long would they keep that up?
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Can you give a bit of a senario? Like for how long would they keep that up? 3-6 months. Girl is interested and excited from the off, gets rapidly and progressively more so. After a couple of months starts dropping hints about commitment/marriage/children, which get more concrete and more detailed over time as the guy responds. But she is always 1 step ahead of the guy until... she's 100% sure he has him and that he is committed. At this point and only then, she suddenly panics and runs. Usual sequel: after a period of no contact (which can even be a couple of years) she has calmed down, re-establishes contact and wants to try again. Hopefully the guy is smart enough to say - politely but firmly - no. Not that this has ever happened to me, you understand
littlekitty Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 3-6 months. Girl is interested and excited from the off, gets rapidly and progressively more so. After a couple of months starts dropping hints about commitment/marriage/children, which get more concrete and more detailed over time as the guy responds. But she is always 1 step ahead of the guy until... she's 100% sure he has him and that he is committed. At this point and only then, she suddenly panics and runs. Usual sequel: after a period of no contact (which can even be a couple of years) she has calmed down, re-establishes contact and wants to try again. Hopefully the guy is smart enough to say - politely but firmly - no. Not that this has ever happened to me, you understand I see... so she's good with the idea, but then she panics at the last moment? Makes sense. BTW - Your ass looks great in your avi!!
riobikini Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Mine had the following signs/symptoms: He never wanted a conversation about being anything more than -in his own words- a 'boyfriend'. And yet, he had begun the relationship by saying, using words, that he was looking for a long-term partner, -but was never able to back it up with actions. When I wanted to talk about how I felt and wanting more, -he skillfully redirected the convo, or ignored my intro. He had only limited 'space' in his life for me, i.e. -I was available to him when he wanted to see me, -then he rushed back to wherever it was, or whatever it was he had planned to do next. He kept his profiles (multiple) up on dating sites and frequently visited them. Looking into his lifestyle, (where he lived, his work, his preferred hobbies, likes and dislikes of venues, things of excitement) it was clear he made no room for changing it from single status. How to avoid wasting years with this nonsense? Just cut and run. Hope these help. -Rio
riobikini Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 While we're on the subject.... Here are a few things that are difficult for a Commitment-phobe to understand: She doesn't want his balls, -he can keep them. Her goal is not to emasculate him, because there's nothing more she would hate to see than his strength and male individuality disappear, because of her, -and she's even willing to fiercely help protect that. She strongly supports his growth in all manner of speaking, as well; her goal is to add to his life, -not take anything away that's important to him. She wants a relationship with security and depth, -not something (someone)vaguely hanging around on the periphery of her life like cobwebs in an empty house, and it doesn't necessarily always mean marriage, although it does mean that he isn't 'looking', anymore. She wants to know she can call on him for the most important things in her life and that he is equally as concerned and interested, and has a vested interest in her complete well-being, as she does with his, -without question, without an end in sight, period. She needs to know that he is her greatest fan, her closest friend, confidante, life-partner, and lover, -and that others can easily see that commitment from the outside, which helps confirm her position with him by display. She wants to know that his emotional investment in her and the relationship is whole-hearted, and, at least equal to hers. Wish a few Commitment-phobes could grasp this. -Rio
Butterflying Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 While we're on the subject.... Here are a few things that are difficult for a Commitment-phobe to understand: She doesn't want his balls, -he can keep them. Her goal is not to emasculate him, because there's nothing more she would hate to see than his strength and male individuality disappear, because of her, -and she's even willing to fiercely help protect that. She strongly supports his growth in all manner of speaking, as well; her goal is to add to his life, -not take anything away that's important to him. She wants a relationship with security and depth, -not something (someone)vaguely hanging around on the periphery of her life like cobwebs in an empty house, and it doesn't necessarily always mean marriage, although it does mean that he isn't 'looking', anymore. She wants to know she can call on him for the most important things in her life and that he is equally as concerned and interested, and has a vested interest in her complete well-being, as she does with his, -without question, without an end in sight, period. She needs to know that he is her greatest fan, her closest friend, confidante, life-partner, and lover, -and that others can easily see that commitment from the outside, which helps confirm her position with him by display. She wants to know that his emotional investment in her and the relationship is whole-hearted, and, at least equal to hers. Wish a few Commitment-phobes could grasp this. -Rio I second all of this and add... she doesn't want to be abandoned by him. And she doesn't want to be compared to other women.
Prim&proper Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 There's a great book called Men Who Can't Love, written by Steven Carter. I think he was the guy who first coined the term "commitmentphobia". In the book, Carter described the symptoms of a commitmentphobia. I bought this book after my ex-bf dumped me out of the blue and the descriptions in the book described my ex-bf to a T. Basically, the symptoms are at the beginning, these guys are really into you. They really really woo you and they move very fast, such as telling you they love you or that they want a future with you, even going so far as to talk about children and marriage. My ex told me he loved me within 2 weeks of dating. It gave me some pause but since we were friends first I wasn't too concerned. Boy was I wrong. He even wanted me to meet his family after 1 month and my family as well. He kept trying to convince me that we are great together and everyone was perfect. Then one day he wakes up and decides he couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't be with me. Being in the same room with me gives him panic attacks. So he runs. Carter describes that some men (or women) will go so far to as cheating on their partners to get out of the relationship. Others will pick at the partner and the relationship. What quirks about the partner that they claim to love is now a source of annoyance. Keep in the mind, what sets these commitmentphobes apart is that the turn is very abrupt, leaving the partner to wonder what happened and to make efforts to get these commitmentphobes back. Once you step back though and move on, they'll come back asking for forgiveness with the same intensity that they showed at the beginning. Then the cycle starts all over again. You may want to pick up the book. It's great, but scary in how it matches my ex-bf's behavior so well.
riobikini Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 RE: Prim&Proper: "There's a great book called Men Who Can't Love, written by Steven Carter. I think he was the guy who first coined the term "commitmentphobia". In the book, Carter described the symptoms of a commitmentphobia. I bought this book after my ex-bf dumped me out of the blue and the descriptions in the book described my ex-bf to a T. Basically, the symptoms are at the beginning, these guys are really into you. They really really woo you and they move very fast, such as telling you they love you or that they want a future with you, even going so far as to talk about children and marriage. My ex told me he loved me within 2 weeks of dating. It gave me some pause but since we were friends first I wasn't too concerned. Boy was I wrong. He even wanted me to meet his family after 1 month and my family as well. He kept trying to convince me that we are great together and everyone was perfect. Then one day he wakes up and decides he couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't be with me. Being in the same room with me gives him panic attacks. So he runs. Carter describes that some men (or women) will go so far to as cheating on their partners to get out of the relationship. Others will pick at the partner and the relationship. What quirks about the partner that they claim to love is now a source of annoyance. Keep in the mind, what sets these commitmentphobes apart is that the turn is very abrupt, leaving the partner to wonder what happened and to make efforts to get these commitmentphobes back. Once you step back though and move on, they'll come back asking for forgiveness with the same intensity that they showed at the beginning. Then the cycle starts all over again. You may want to pick up the book. It's great, but scary in how it matches my ex-bf's behavior so well." P&P, that was an excellent offering with your post. And, Butterflying, thank you for the additional comment- you are correct. P&P, the intense chasing-after that happens intially is a cardinal symptom -so is the fast-paced 'bonding' he encourages from you between himself and his family, and the high risk of forming other 'relationships' that serve to distance or break up the present relationship to avoid any commitment of any kind, as well as the abrupt, cold-sweat he breaks out in just before leaving you heart-broken. Otherwise, he is a perfect gentleman. -Rio
riobikini Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 Moreover, it is, indeed, a cycle -one that may likely require many, many hours -or years- of professional therapy to break. If you were to take a peek into their background, it is possible you will find a horrifying number of relationships that have begun and ended in exactly the same way. Some of these relationships are overlapping and may still be active, mostly due to the ignorance of one or more of the women who have not woken up to what is happening and realize that it has a label to define it, thereby being kept 'stringing along', by the commitment phobe. Some of them even think they are the only one in his life and may be in love with him, patiently waiting, along with the others they are oblivious to, for a sign that he's ready to commit. If the Commitment-phobe does wind up marrying anyone, it will more likely happen with someone who has 'grown' on him, i.e. moving into that territory at a snail-like pace with few demands in the beginning, -and probably preceded by one of his more 'dry' spells, where one or more of his relationships may have just ended, and he simply feels incredibly lonely, and in need of an ego boost, companionship and/or intimacy with a female. It is important to realize that the commitment-phobe is also addicted to the euphoric 'high' of new relationships. But, although the marriage (or alternate commitment) exists, he will long for -and probably cultivate- other relationships to continue with the behavior pattern. ***Highly important note: most commitment-phobes, even though they carry on like this, are commonly found to be extremely jealous and possessive, as well as doggedly persistent people. -Rio
Butterflying Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 I don't like CP's. The thought of getting involved with one makes me afraid to date. It's possible that I've dated a few CP's. But what is the difference in a narsicist and a CP? I had an XBF who had symtems of being narsicist, commitment phobe, and a sociopath. Ater that relationship ended, I read a book called Who's Pulling Your Strings, and amazingly, the description matched as well. Sometimes, I think these self-help books are written in a way that no matter what problem you have with a person, the descriptions will match. It gets confusing sometimes.
riobikini Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 Butterflying, it's the same with reading any disease diagnoses manual, (Smile), -by the time you've read a few pages, you are certain you have a malignant brain tumor. Self-help books tend to generalize, -simply because they are a book, -not a professional therapist actually hearing and working on, your individual, and very personal problems. If you think you need help and are determined enough to get to the bottom of it by picking up a self-help book, let the book serve as a starting point, a reference for information, -then follow up with professional counsel to see if you actually need further help. Biggest problem with self-help books: diagnosing your own problem ( inaccuarately, in a lot of cases) -and becoming your own 'therapist'. -Rio
riobikini Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 RE: Butterflying: " what is the difference in a narcissist and a CP " I'm going to try to explain the difference in the clearest possible terms, using a parallel, here goes: Cars can be Chevys, Fords, BMW's..and the list goes on. Comittment-phobes can be Narcissists, Bipolars, Schizophrenics, etc. You see, the term 'commitment-phobe' does not necessarily define an illness, (although one might be present) -but rather, a trait. Does this help? -Rio
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