sassybragg Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 I recently had a date with a man and it went well.(blind date) There was instant chemistry both physically and intellectually. We talked almost daily after the first date for two weeks. We made a date to see a movie,but three days prior,he cancelled admitting he was low on money and wanted to wait until he could afford it himself. One week later we had a "big date" by that I mean we were going to a Fundraising affair that involved dancing and dinner. We(he seemed excited too) were both excited and he knew I was looking for something new to wear to the affair. Longer story short,we met briefly at the mall while I was shopping with my mother,and the next day he sent a "text message" to my cell saying he had to cancel because something came up that would cause him to be out of town on the day of the date. He would contact me when he got back. Oddly enough, he called me that night and said I seemed different at the mall. (remember we have only had one date) I told him I was no different and that we were still getting to know each other. I mentioned his "something came up" deal and he said it was taken care of. This conversation was the day before the event and accept for one "good morning" on my text the next day, I have not heard from him in four days which is different. Talk about losing interest and not telling a girl.....I haven't contacted him because before this incident, I didn't have to wonder if he was interested because he called and or texted me almost daily and we talked for hours just about each time. My question is this: Why can't a man just say "I don't think were compatible? or Were not a match? Whatever the case may be. Disappearing is so immature and cowardly in my opinion. Oh I forgot to mention, he is 15yrs. older than I am so you would think he was over games and acting immature.
jerbear Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 I recently had a date with a man and it went well.(blind date) There was instant chemistry both physically and intellectually. We talked almost daily after the first date for two weeks. We made a date to see a movie,but three days prior,he cancelled admitting he was low on money and wanted to wait until he could afford it himself. Oh I forgot to mention, he is 15yrs. older than I am so you would think he was over games and acting immature. 15 yrs older than you and can't afford a movie? Ok he has financial issues at least. If he is willing to cancel, get together then cancel, and still on date #1. well I think you might as well lay it down on him and move on.
Pyro Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 Yes, sad but true. Men and women of all ages are cowardly and immature. All that you can do is get back on your horse and try again. It happens to all of us.
Yamaha Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 Many people think not saying anything or avoiding is the easiest way to tell you they are not interested. He is immature in that he can't just tell you he had a nice time but he doesn't see you as the girl for him. We learn from experience so just chalk it up as another of life's experiences and find someone more mature.
agnf666 Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 You wanna know why men can't say that because it is not in their vocab.... Some guys just can't say it... I'm guess it has to do with being nervous or something... who knows... sometimes men suck.
Curmudgeon Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 And some times women do as well. I've never had a problem being direct although I try to phrase it nicely so there's no sting. My vocabulary is just fine, thank you, even if I am a man.
agnf666 Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 And some times women do as well. I've never had a problem being direct although I try to phrase it nicely so there's no sting. My vocabulary is just fine, thank you, even if I am a man. Not all man have that problem... Some do... Believe me... That is when you get the excuse "It's not you it's me..." Woman do have a problem with this too... I will say that...
nicki Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 So true, some guys can't confront and speak honestly. That's why we have to look at their actions. I love the "It's not you, It's me" line....I just smile sweetly and say "Yes, it is you and I don't think you are right for me. I want better. Sorry." Good luck. You found out sooner than later that this guy isn't for you. Now you can date someone who is more fun!
Author sassybragg Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 15 yrs older than you and can't afford a movie? Ok he has financial issues at least. If he is willing to cancel, get together then cancel, and still on date #1. well I think you might as well lay it down on him and move on. Well the financial thing wasn't a problem for me as we both get paid once monthly. I work full-time and he retired early and lives on a pension. It was almost time for payday,yet I was the one paying for the movie because I offered when we made the date. His part of it was he wanted to buy dinner afterwards. I was ok with that cancellation, but the second one upset me because then I knew he couldn't be depended on and he didn't tell me what came up that was so important he had to cancel. We discussed how important our individual time is so sense he hasn't contacted me after saying he would, I don't have time to waste contacting him. I am 42 and he is 57 so you would think the games and or "not being to the point" would be long over. I guess age doesn't equal polite consideration and being honest. Life goes on and at least I found out quick what I was dealing with was not meant to go anywhere. Thanks for the reply.
Curmudgeon Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Thank you. If memory serves, I've heard the not you, me excuse before. Of course, that was back in another life.
jerbear Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Thanks for the reply. I'm glad you found out now instead of later. I understand it is not easy being on the monthly plan. I'm on the monthly plan, feast then famine. I equate with age, one gets their act together, gets wiser, and matures. It is one thing to be young at heart but don't think it is high school. In response to the "not you, its me line": I've learned to not use the "Its not you, its me line." If I don't want to hear it, I'm sure she doesn't. Think of it as karma. When I confronted my 40 yr lovely lady (I'm 30) Took a day off, hair cut, dressed nice, if you're going to get killed, might as well look good. I drove to her workplace; took her to coffee and pretty much gave the low down to her. She's a businessowner and I spoke her language, as in "Either your hired or fired! as my SO" I didn't end the relationship over the phone or strung her around.
monkey00 Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 men and women are both guilty of this. In reality no one likes confrontation. Since i have been guilty of this in the past ill tell you why - The person doesnt care enough (interest level is low) to give you an honest closure. The only times i've aactually said a 'goodbye' when was i cared about the girl's feelings...regardless if the goodbye was mutual or if she played the avoidance thing, if i cared enough i would give closure. i dont think it 100% is about maturity, but it has to do with how important that person's feelings is to you to actually give them your honesty. And women in general....well they just dont like being blunt and appearing as a bitch, so they make excuses.
amerikajin Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 So true, some guys can't confront and speak honestly. That's why we have to look at their actions. Nobody likes doing the dirty work of rejecting someone outright. I don't think it necessarily makes a person cowardly if you don't text someone and just let things die off. Truth is, while I sympathize with the poster, she could just as easily call him up and ask where she stands - there's nothing preventing her from doing that except the fear of hearing news she doesn't want to her. And that's probably why he's stopped calling/texting, because he would simply rather not be the bearer of bad news. Maybe it's not the best way to handle it, but men and women do this all the time, and eventually people know the score. I think the problem is when you are telling a person one thing and thinking another, leading them on - that's wrong. If you keep saying 'I'll take you out' when you're not interested in taking them out, then that's wrong; it's a waste of someone's time and it makes the other person confused. As well, if she were to call and he were to keep avoiding her, that would be wrong. If it were me, I would at least respect the fact that she has taken time to call to find out where she stands, and I would tell her the truth - people deserve that much. But just disappearing is not in and of itself necessarily a bad thing. It's common sense - if a guy's interested, they'll call you up; if they aren't, they won't.
Pyro Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 So true, some guys can't confront and speak honestly. That's why we have to look at their actions. Nobody likes doing the dirty work of rejecting someone outright. I don't think it necessarily makes a person cowardly if you don't text someone and just let things die off. Truth is, while I sympathize with the poster, she could just as easily call him up and ask where she stands - there's nothing preventing her from doing that except the fear of hearing news she doesn't want to her. And that's probably why he's stopped calling/texting, because he would simply rather not be the bearer of bad news. Maybe it's not the best way to handle it, but men and women do this all the time, and eventually people know the score. I think the problem is when you are telling a person one thing and thinking another, leading them on - that's wrong. If you keep saying 'I'll take you out' when you're not interested in taking them out, then that's wrong; it's a waste of someone's time and it makes the other person confused. As well, if she were to call and he were to keep avoiding her, that would be wrong. If it were me, I would at least respect the fact that she has taken time to call to find out where she stands, and I would tell her the truth - people deserve that much. But just disappearing is not in and of itself necessarily a bad thing. It's common sense - if a guy's interested, they'll call you up; if they aren't, they won't. The problem with some people is that they are not empathetic toward other people's feelings. Nobody likes to be stood up or ignored. I hate the feeling of rejection. I don't liked to be ignored, but I would rather hear the truth then to be ignored. I don't deal with cowards. I have no room for them in my life. I am honest with a female if I am not interested because I would want her to do the same thing for me.
amerikajin Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I don't liked to be ignored, but I would rather hear the truth then to be ignored. I don't deal with cowards. It's a fine line. I mean sure, I would also like it if a woman would be straight up and tell me outright that I'm in the 'friends zone', but if she doesn't, and just wants to keep to herself, I'll get the picture. I think most people would. I won't get bitter or hold that against her unless she's giving me mixed signals - then I'd get a bit irritated. I may have missed it, but I don't think she's even called him to find out what the deal is. And if that's the case, there's nothing preventing her from doing that. Now if he gives her some b.s. and says 'Yeah, I'll take you out next week or something' when in fact he has no intention of doing so, then yeah, that's being cowardly - assuming he knows how she feels, that is, which is not always a given. I recently had a situation in which I went to a museum with someone I thought of as a new friend, but I soon sensed that she wanted more than that and I have since had to back off. She never has come out and said she wanted to be more than friends, but she's all of a sudden gotten weird around me, very distant. In this case, I really don't know what to do, so I'm leaving it up to her to tell me what she wants, in which case I will have to tell her that we're just friends. If she asks, I'll tell her. But it's a bit awkward opening up with "Well, I know you want me, so I'll tell you right now that we'll never be anything more than just friends. Ta taaa" In relationships, there's what is said, and there's what is unsaid. You have to pick up on both.
Proto Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 I don't liked to be ignored, but I would rather hear the truth then to be ignored. I don't deal with cowards. It's a fine line. I mean sure, I would also like it if a woman would be straight up and tell me outright that I'm in the 'friends zone', but if she doesn't, and just wants to keep to herself, I'll get the picture. I think most people would. I won't get bitter or hold that against her unless she's giving me mixed signals - then I'd get a bit irritated. I may have missed it, but I don't think she's even called him to find out what the deal is. And if that's the case, there's nothing preventing her from doing that. Now if he gives her some b.s. and says 'Yeah, I'll take you out next week or something' when in fact he has no intention of doing so, then yeah, that's being cowardly - assuming he knows how she feels, that is, which is not always a given. I recently had a situation in which I went to a museum with someone I thought of as a new friend, but I soon sensed that she wanted more than that and I have since had to back off. She never has come out and said she wanted to be more than friends, but she's all of a sudden gotten weird around me, very distant. In this case, I really don't know what to do, so I'm leaving it up to her to tell me what she wants, in which case I will have to tell her that we're just friends. If she asks, I'll tell her. But it's a bit awkward opening up with "Well, I know you want me, so I'll tell you right now that we'll never be anything more than just friends. Ta taaa" In relationships, there's what is said, and there's what is unsaid. You have to pick up on both. 100% agreed
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