newbby Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 My anger, stupidity and depression led me to take a course of action that hurt a number of people, myself included. You have assumed that I take no responsibility for that. You couldn't be more wrong. I have, however, watched, read, listened - however you'd like to describe - the women on this forum. Most (not all, but most) consistently and constantly blame the man for everything. What I did to the OW was bad. What I did to my wife was bad. What I did to myself was bad. What the women here don't want to see is that what the OW did was bad. I had NEVER had an intention of being unfaithful to my wife. I loved her. I was angry with her. (By the way, your assertion that I wanted to make my wife angry/angrier is incorrect. At the time, I didn't ever want her to know.) I never had the intention of our e-mail being anything other than e-mail between two friends. ALL movement toward changing that direction originated with her. She KNEW I was married. She KNEW I was committed. I never spoke against my wife, I never implied in any way that I was interested in her in a romatic way until SHE started telling me how she loved me and wanted me, had loved me from the first she saw me, and how I'd be happier with her, how I should dump my wife who didn't appreciate me. None of those words came from me. They came from her. so she fell for you. you decided to punish her for falling for you. this is just bizarre. After she did that I led her on. I led her on because I felt she had led me on. She had led me to believe that she was a friend, but she wasn't, and never had intended to be one. She made very clear that her original intention in asking me to write her was because she WANTED to break up my marriage at a time when I was depressed, in pain and as a result, vulnerable. were these her exact words? did she say, "i wanted to break up your marriage at a time when you were depressed, in pain and as a result vulnerable"? You can believe whatever you want to believe here. I frankly don't care. I believe that she was a monster, and I stand be that belief. I know it makes you uncomfortable, but I'm sorry, that won't change my opinion. my opinion is that, this is because your "belief" serves you quite well. it absolves you of guilt. my concern for you is that, absolving yourself from guilt in this way doesnt really help you long term. you are making excuses for yourself by way of lying to yourself. heres a thought: what if it doesnt have to be anybodys burden? not yours and not the ow's. i always think that if you dont forgive another person, then you dont really forgive yourself. it is impossible. if you were capable of forgiveness to that extent then you would have forgiven the ow. i think you need to just let go, of your guilt. it only serves to keep you miserable. you were vulnerable, ow was vulnerable. it doesnt sound like either of you acted with intent to hurt anybody. so maybe you were both selfish. most people are, if they are honest with themselves. and there is nothing wrong with trying to make oneself happy. that is a crazy idea that wanting to be happy is a sin. the only wrongness is that most people have a warped or false idea of how to make themselves happy, of course because everybody has the same kind of ideas then those desires create some competition or a crossing over or incompatibility of "needs", at times.
castle26 Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 Originally Posted by uni_matrix_five no definatly no reward in that...how did your wife find out? did you tell her? yes - the lies had to stop. I love her. This is where I have a problem, YOU TOLD YOUR WIFE. Did you not think telling her would hurt her? But, you LOVE her. How can that be? The act of confessing your infidelity only serves to relieve you of guilt. In the process you most likely caused pain to your wife. I do not understand your willingness to hurt her, and your insistence that the affair was the fault of the OW either. It just seems that you blame WOMEN for all your troubles. (MY opinion) Oh, and WWIU--how many years have YOU been married? Just curious.
lovernotafighter Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 Originally Posted by uni_matrix_five no definatly no reward in that...how did your wife find out? did you tell her? This is where I have a problem, YOU TOLD YOUR WIFE. Did you not think telling her would hurt her? But, you LOVE her. How can that be? The act of confessing your infidelity only serves to relieve you of guilt. In the process you most likely caused pain to your wife. I do not understand your willingness to hurt her, and your insistence that the affair was the fault of the OW either. It just seems that you blame WOMEN for all your troubles. (MY opinion) Oh, and WWIU--how many years have YOU been married? Just curious. this is exactly why I asked that question..it doesn't make sense..even if he was leading the other woman on telling the wife can only serve one of two purposes..one) to relive himself of guilt. two) to intentionaly hurt his wife..for what ever reason,he must have felt vindictive towards her. I hope I don't offend, and bullhunter if I am wrong I apologise. but to me this screams of a BS..theres no MM's here hardly and bullhunter only signs up and posts this crazy none sense story about pay back for a fakey EA. and then posts more silliness in the other woman/man forum...please...no one who did this would be bothered anyway. but a BS on the other hand might feel a whole lot better putting her own spin on a story that might make her feel better in some twisted fashion...I don't know..maybe it's just me??
newbby Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 no, i believe that bullhunter is genuine. read his other posts.
bullhunter Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 Yes, I'm genuine. I told my wife because we had/have a long history of telling the truth to each other no matter how painful it is. I broke her trust, the only way to fix it is to fix it. I actually thought I could let you know some information that may help you in understanding some MM - I am not the only person like me. I may be one of the few who is/was willing to let any woman know what was happening inside of me. I won't do it again in this forum, it's a waste of my time and yours as well.
cal gal Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 one of the reasons I signed up to this forum was to try to gain an understanding of WHY my soon to be ex husband would have gone down the road of infidelity, especially when he should have had so many things to be happy about every day. we do need your insight and input bullhunter. i would never be where I am today - healthier in mind and spirit, if I didn't find this outlet.... please keep posting, I really need to understand a man's perspective, all the way around.....
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 I won't do it again in this forum, it's a waste of my time and yours as well. Sorry you feel that way BH. I hope you change your mind though and not let some people who disagree with you put you off this place.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 Hi, Bull - How well you were able to explain your point of view related to my posts have been very helpful to me as you seem to have the same personality type as my H. Some differences between our stories, but for the most part I think your feelings towards what happened with you and your wife are about the same feelings my H experienced. You told your wife, my H told me. It wasn’t to hurt your wife just as my H wasn’t telling me to hurt me. We have always been truthful with each other, even if it hurt the other person. Granted - you went some time with keeping some things from her, just as my H did. But guilt and anger is what made you both come clean. Personally, I value your opinion and have been trying to come up with exactly how to word a new thread, that I want your opinion on, but have been behind at work and just haven’t had a chance. I do hope that you continue to use this site and answer posts with your view of things, again, which has been helpful to me. Your comments/threads/posts have not been a waste of my time ... and with at least one person finding them useful, it hasn’t been a waste of your time either.
silktricks Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 I also have appreciated your posts. You sound a lot like my husband as well. I've appreciated your time and what you've said. From personal experience, however, the OW forum is not a good place to post any possibility that the woman had anything to do with the situation - and especially not as the originator.
CeeJayXX Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 My anger, stupidity and depression led me to take a course of action that hurt a number of people, myself included. You have assumed that I take no responsibility for that. You couldn't be more wrong. I have, however, watched, read, listened - however you'd like to describe - the women on this forum. Most (not all, but most) consistently and constantly blame the man for everything. What I did to the OW was bad. What I did to my wife was bad. What I did to myself was bad. What the women here don't want to see is that what the OW did was bad. I had NEVER had an intention of being unfaithful to my wife. I loved her. I was angry with her. (By the way, your assertion that I wanted to make my wife angry/angrier is incorrect. At the time, I didn't ever want her to know.) I never had the intention of our e-mail being anything other than e-mail between two friends. ALL movement toward changing that direction originated with her. She KNEW I was married. She KNEW I was committed. I never spoke against my wife, I never implied in any way that I was interested in her in a romatic way until SHE started telling me how she loved me and wanted me, had loved me from the first she saw me, and how I'd be happier with her, how I should dump my wife who didn't appreciate me. None of those words came from me. They came from her. After she did that I led her on. I led her on because I felt she had led me on. She had led me to believe that she was a friend, but she wasn't, and never had intended to be one. She made very clear that her original intention in asking me to write her was because she WANTED to break up my marriage at a time when I was depressed, in pain and as a result, vulnerable. You can believe whatever you want to believe here. I frankly don't care. I believe that she was a monster, and I stand be that belief. I know it makes you uncomfortable, but I'm sorry, that won't change my opinion. Still, I regret what I did. It should not have happened. As an OW, I believe every single thing you have said to be true. I believe that you were in a time of anger with your W....that OW caught you at a bad time and you weren't thinking as a H should think. There are OW's out there that can take a situation for what it is and live with it for years without the MM forced to make a choice, but just happy to have a close relation with someone without pressures. (I am one of these). Then there are others who have studied "Fatal Attraction" so well that they hope to be the lead in the sequel. I don't doubt your words a bit. At the same time (so lightening doesnt strike me where I sit) there are MM's who play "the system" shall we call it........ (I don't believe you are one of these.) I think you were very honest and truthful in your post and for what its worth deserve the credit of being here and admitting that yes you made a mistake but no you werent the only one involved. Good luck to you!
amaysngrace Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 bh-betrayed husband bs-betrayed spouse thank you barby.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 BullHunter, I meant to help you understand your anger. I humbly apologize for making you feel "unreal" here. Please continue to post. We are all here for some reason. We have different experiences and stories to tell, and that is what makes this forum so great. I meant to challenge you regarding your view on your action, and had no intention to slight you in any way. I remember you made a comment on my post. So you know that I am not without faults either. I have made numerous mistakes, but the worst ones were not when I was angry. Rather, my worst mistakes were made when I became sympathetic. I know that sounded lunatic. But I married my husband out of sympathy! And since then, I have tried to make the most of what I have. Then I made another horrible mistake by becoming affectionate with his best friend. What can I say? I was an idiot! I should have kept my feelings inside and I didn't. We live and we learn from our mistakes. I think that you need to deal with your anger issues and resolve this guilt you have over the OW, if you still haven't. Best wishes. And I sincerely hope to see you again. As I've said, you sound like a bright guy, and I have always been keen on smart people.
lovernotafighter Posted March 18, 2006 Posted March 18, 2006 no I'm the one who said he was fake...bullhunter I did apologise before my statement if i was indeed wrong. maybe I am and what you had to say is a hard pill to swallow. please don't take my comments to harshy and stick around...this place has truely helped me,perhaps it can help you as well. anyway again if I offended then I am sorry,I just thought this seemed odd, no harm no foul.
castle26 Posted March 19, 2006 Posted March 19, 2006 Yes, I'm genuine. I told my wife because we had/have a long history of telling the truth to each other no matter how painful it is. I broke her trust, the only way to fix it is to fix it. I actually thought I could let you know some information that may help you in understanding some MM - I am not the only person like me. I may be one of the few who is/was willing to let any woman know what was happening inside of me. I won't do it again in this forum, it's a waste of my time and yours as well. I'm still leaning toward the belief that your posts aren't genuine. The droning on and on about how the OW "started it" sounds very much like what some wives have said here--they don't want their H to be at fault, after all. More convenient to think none of the M troubles can be either hers, or her H fault. If you really were a WS you would know that it makes no difference who made the first move, the OW or the OM because one cannot tango alone, right? But, if by some chance your story is real, regarding your "confessing" to your wife, maybe she doesn't even care. Nothing's stopping her from having a secret life that you don't know about.
erika2610 Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 I'm still leaning toward the belief that your posts aren't genuine. The droning on and on about how the OW "started it" sounds very much like what some wives have said here--they don't want their H to be at fault, after all. More convenient to think none of the M troubles can be either hers, or her H fault. If you really were a WS you would know that it makes no difference who made the first move, the OW or the OM because one cannot tango alone, right? But, if by some chance your story is real, regarding your "confessing" to your wife, maybe she doesn't even care. Nothing's stopping her from having a secret life that you don't know about. Ugh. Bullhunter's real. Do a search on his posts.. he posts on other threads too. These kind of posts make some people want to stop posting sometimes..
lovernotafighter Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 Ugh. Bullhunter's real. Do a search on his posts.. he posts on other threads too. These kind of posts make some people want to stop posting sometimes.. I read 'em..I don't buy it either. why do think he's genuine,his post all seem flame-ish to me. I don't want to drive him away I just don't see why any one would sign up with such hostility. I'm new here so perhaps I'm out of line..but I was a moderator for another site for a few years and I'll tell ya my flame finding powers where usually dead on.
erika2610 Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 I read 'em..I don't buy it either. why do think he's genuine,his post all seem flame-ish to me. I don't want to drive him away I just don't see why any one would sign up with such hostility. I'm new here so perhaps I'm out of line..but I was a moderator for another site for a few years and I'll tell ya my flame finding powers where usually dead on. Of course it's just my opinion. I believe he's helped some people.. I believe he's just trying to get some anger out. Most 'trolls'.. or BS who posts here just to vent at the OW don't post more than a couple of times. They say what they want to say and that's it.
lovernotafighter Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 Of course it's just my opinion. I believe he's helped some people.. I believe he's just trying to get some anger out. Most 'trolls'.. or BS who posts here just to vent at the OW don't post more than a couple of times. They say what they want to say and that's it.perhaps your right.. though in bullhunters case i'd like to think he is a fake..his story was pretty nasty to all involved..perhaps i'd just like to believe people really don't do junk like that,you know what mean?
amaysngrace Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 Most 'trolls'.. or BS who posts here just to vent at the OW don't post more than a couple of times. i have a question: do OW refer to the BWs as trolls? reason i'm asking is my friend, her husband cheated on her, and when she met the OW she called my friend a troll. my friend kept thinking it's because she's little and the OW was like 5 inches taller.
erika2610 Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 perhaps your right.. though in bullhunters case i'd like to think he is a fake..his story was pretty nasty to all involved..perhaps i'd just like to believe people really don't do junk like that,you know what mean? I know what ya mean. But on the same token, there are also people who would like to believe that OW don't do what they do either.. but they do. As I said, I think he's trying to get his anger out too..
erika2610 Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 i have a question: do OW refer to the BWs as trolls? reason i'm asking is my friend, her husband cheated on her, and when she met the OW she called my friend a troll. my friend kept thinking it's because she's little and the OW was like 5 inches taller. No no no.. around here trolls are people who come here posting fake threads.. sometimes just to rile people up. The Wife you're talking about, probably just called your friend a troll because your friend is screwing around with her husband..
amaysngrace Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 no, it was the opposite. my friend got cheated on by her exH. she divorced him. in fact, she inspired me to divorce mine too. but not cuz mine cheated, at least that i'm aware of... but anyway, the girl her exH was cheating with called my friend a troll. bum...i thought i was gonna have some good news for her not to take the comment personally.
lovernotafighter Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 I know what ya mean. But on the same token, there are also people who would like to believe that OW don't do what they do either.. but they do. As I said, I think he's trying to get his anger out too..true true..if any one knew what I was doing I'd been thrown to the wolves in a second.
erika2610 Posted March 20, 2006 Posted March 20, 2006 no, it was the opposite. my friend got cheated on by her exH. she divorced him. in fact, she inspired me to divorce mine too. but not cuz mine cheated, at least that i'm aware of... but anyway, the girl her exH was cheating with called my friend a troll. bum...i thought i was gonna have some good news for her not to take the comment personally. Oh I see now. I wouldn't take it very personally. OW lash out on the W alot of times. They hear from the MM how horrible the W is.. blah blah blah.
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