Babylove Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 Hi All! I posted awhile ago about my relationship with my MM, and what sort, (if any) type of deadline I should give him for leaving his wife! I was fed up, because he had talked about wanting a future with me and going to a lawyer early on in the relationship, but here we are 8 months down the track, and I'm getting nothing but excuses. Anyway, i decided to end it with him, but cracked after only a day of NC..So I'm still seeing him....I'm really in love with the guy..and can seriously see myself married to him with kids....so am finding it really hard to walk away, even though I know i have to for so many reasons...He says his feelings are just as strong for me..and he wants a future with me... In light of this, I was hoping to get your opinions about whether or not I am overeacting about the following: Firstly, he has just told me that he is going on a holiday with his wife and kids...they have to go to a friends wedding..and then they are going to travel a bit after that and stay with other friends. I absolutely flipped when he told me...why on earth would he want to spend time on a holiday with his wife who he supposedly can't stand to be around and wants to leave?... Secondly...I quizzed him about what type of contraception his wife uses, because of course, they still have sex...yes, she's 45 and he's 48, but she could still fall pregnant. Well, he tells me that they don't use any, because his wife has wanted another kid, since their last one 5 years ago!! Um, excuse me? I flipped out again! Why did he not tell me this earlier...why is he so ok with this, if he doesn't love her and wants to leave..I just don't get it.... I am just so upset, because this all indicates or confirms to me that he still loves her, and he ain't leaving. What do you guys think...am i overreacting about these two things?
littlekitty Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 I think these are both signs that just like most married men, he isn't prepared to leave his wife and family. Sorry.
Walking away Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 About a month ago, my MM and his youngest children went to Hawaii for a business trip/vacation. He didn't know how to tell me about it...it had been planned for months, but he waited to tell me until about one week before the trip. He told me that he KNEW I would be distraught over it. So, he booked only one room for his wife and kids so I would know that they were all sharing a room together (not he and his wife in one room and the kids in the other like he had done before our A). He called and text messaged me everyday while he was there. But, you know what? I was a wreck that whole week. Felt like my heart was in my stomach. It hurt so much. THAT is one of the reasons I am walking away. I cannot handle the pain of knowing he is vacationing with her, even though he says that what I picture of the two of them together is not at all how it is. That doesn't matter. What matters is that THE TWO OF THEM ARE TOGETHER. I so understand how you feel. It is a disturbing pain that gnaws at you like a disease. I have no solutions for you except to walk. But, know this, you are just trading one type of pain in for another....At least that is how it is for me. Good luck.
Walking away Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 Sorry...his wife went with them to Hawaii....not just him and his kids.
Author Babylove Posted March 8, 2006 Author Posted March 8, 2006 Hi Walking Away.. Thanks for your post..i've been reading your thread about leaving your MM, and I feel your pain. And i know what you mean about trading one kind of pain for another. After I ended it with him (yes it was only for a day, haha) i felt a sadness like i've never experienced..and i am just so scared to feel that again...however what i'm going through now is hell...and like you, i know i will be a wreck when my MM goes on this holiday...just like I am on weekends when i can't see him. Text messages really don't cut it... And my MM, says the same thing about things not being good with the wife...yet they are TOGETHER..its just so unbearable to think about...
Walking away Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 On Sunday, I told him we were through....I couldn't take it anymore. He called me three times yesterday....sent numerous e-mails to me...which I, by the way, responded to. We are at a breaking point in this relationship. He KNOWS I cannot go on with the pain any longer.....He can't sleep due to worrying about me leaving him...you know how it goes. He is doing everything he can to try to alleviate the pain that I feel, and he finally understands how devastating this relationship has been to me. He DOES NOT want to let me go....and is fighting tooth and nail for me right now. So.......I am not going back to that pain any longer. Something must give, and the ball is in his court. We are at a critical juncture.....We'll see what happens.....
Guest Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 I am just so upset, because this all indicates or confirms to me that he still loves her, and he ain't leaving. What do you guys think...am i overreacting about these two things? You said it. MM will tell you what you want to hear when they are with you. They may tell you they love you because at that moment, thats how he feels, caught in the moment. Then reality hits him when he is home, and that IS his life. His W IS his life. If you were his life, he would be sending is wife the text messages, vacationing w/ you, and married to you. If he has not left by now, he wont leave at all. You are his sex toy, plain and simple. Of course he doesnt want you to leave, then he wont be getting any on the side. I guarantee if you leave, another woman will soon take your place. Sorry, but this is from a mans point of view
Ladylay Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 In light of this, I was hoping to get your opinions about whether or not I am overeacting about the following: Firstly, he has just told me that he is going on a holiday with his wife and kids...they have to go to a friends wedding..and then they are going to travel a bit after that and stay with other friends. I absolutely flipped when he told me...why on earth would he want to spend time on a holiday with his wife who he supposedly can't stand to be around and wants to leave?... Take the wife out of the equation, How would you feel if it were just him and his children? If you feel the same then walk away. However this turns out for you his wife will always be part of his life. She is the mother of their children. Therefore even though "He cant stand his wife" He will have to have contact with her, until the children are old enough to travel independantly.
Becoming Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 You know you have to go cold turkey and go NC. He has you right where he wants you and right where he wants his wife. So are you gonna take charge of your life or continue to give it away to others only to be disappointed?
For You I Will Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 Hey Babylove, Iam just curious about a couple of things. What does he tell you about him & his wife?? & how do you feel about him & his wife still having sex?! My MM claims that him & W have established a relationship of "hatred" & how they are never intimate & if they are in the same room together, there is silence & the only things they talk about is, food shopping stuff or if the baby needs diapers. He stays out almost every night w/me & he says she doesnt have the right to ask him questions...(& she doesn't!) He says she does the same thing sometimes. I guess I just wanted to know, what he says of his relationship w/ his W & how much you believe it??
scarletletter Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Sounds like he was telling you all of the things you wanted to hear early in the relationship...I don't think that he sounds very sincere about leaving. If you make a demand on him, it will probably not help your situation, but only make it worse. If the wife still wants children with him it must be an indication that they still have an active sex life and she must be happy in the marriage to want more children. If he is actually going along with this "no birth control" thing, then I would guess to say that he wants the same thing as she does. I know that is not helpful to you but its just my impression.
Author Babylove Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 Hey For You I Will, My MM doesn't tell me anything about his wife unless I ask him, which I don't often do, but when I do he says that their relationship has been up and down for awhile, she doesn't have any respect for him and as far as he's concerned, it's time for both of them to move on...and he makes reference to them having these huge fights occasionaly.. I hardly get to see my MM. we try and meet for lunch a few times a week, and Friday after work..and we txt message throughout the week, and talk on the phone after work. But i hardly hear from him in the evening or on weekends other than the occasional txt msg. He NEVER tells me what he is doing during that time with his wife....I assume he is just playing the loving husband.....he tells me that he just spends all his time with his kids.....and that that is all him and his wife really focus on...that they're just going through the motions.... ... As for the sex with his wife....It tears me up.....i get really distressed when i think about it...and so i never bring it up with him, it only came up because of this contraception question I had..... So yeah he doesn't really tell me much about his relationship with his wife, but what he has....I honestly don't know anymore whether or not I believe him! I just don't know anymore....
JayKay Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 of course, they still have sex...yes, she's 45 and he's 48, but she could still fall pregnant. Well, he tells me that they don't use any, because his wife has wanted another kid, since their last one 5 years ago!! Um, excuse me? That tells you everything you need to know. I'd start with NC immediately. Then get yourself to therapy and start exploring why you would allow someone to use you so badly.
CeeJayXXX Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Hey For You I Will, My MM doesn't tell me anything about his wife unless I ask him, which I don't often do, but when I do he says that their relationship has been up and down for awhile, she doesn't have any respect for him and as far as he's concerned, it's time for both of them to move on...and he makes reference to them having these huge fights occasionaly.. I hardly get to see my MM. we try and meet for lunch a few times a week, and Friday after work..and we txt message throughout the week, and talk on the phone after work. But i hardly hear from him in the evening or on weekends other than the occasional txt msg. He NEVER tells me what he is doing during that time with his wife....I assume he is just playing the loving husband.....he tells me that he just spends all his time with his kids.....and that that is all him and his wife really focus on...that they're just going through the motions.... ... As for the sex with his wife....It tears me up.....i get really distressed when i think about it...and so i never bring it up with him, it only came up because of this contraception question I had..... So yeah he doesn't really tell me much about his relationship with his wife, but what he has....I honestly don't know anymore whether or not I believe him! I just don't know anymore.... In my relationship, I expect nothing from my MM....... Of course he is sleeping with his W...We use to talk about that kind of thing but have decided to leave those conversations alone because the thoughts are destructing - obviously - ..(please know they are much much older than I am..MM and I have a huge age difference) but in saying that, we always had the agreement from day 1 that he had no intention of leaving W... He and I have been the best of friends for years and happen to stumble upon the "unknown" one day. Our intimate time is not something that comes first in our relationship. Our communication is first. We will never marry or be together as a couple (solely - just the two of us). My question to you is: (and I aplologize if I missed this in any of your posts)...Has your MM said he was going to leave his W for you?...Or is it an assumption you made because of the A?...Unfortunately with an A, you are in second place with MM not first (not always but sometimes)... I wish you luck.
For You I Will Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Hey For You I Will, My MM doesn't tell me anything about his wife unless I ask him, which I don't often do, but when I do he says that their relationship has been up and down for awhile, she doesn't have any respect for him and as far as he's concerned, it's time for both of them to move on...and he makes reference to them having these huge fights occasionaly.. I hardly get to see my MM. we try and meet for lunch a few times a week, and Friday after work..and we txt message throughout the week, and talk on the phone after work. But i hardly hear from him in the evening or on weekends other than the occasional txt msg. He NEVER tells me what he is doing during that time with his wife....I assume he is just playing the loving husband.....he tells me that he just spends all his time with his kids.....and that that is all him and his wife really focus on...that they're just going through the motions.... ... As for the sex with his wife....It tears me up.....i get really distressed when i think about it...and so i never bring it up with him, it only came up because of this contraception question I had..... So yeah he doesn't really tell me much about his relationship with his wife, but what he has....I honestly don't know anymore whether or not I believe him! I just don't know anymore.... Hey.. It sounds like a little like my situation. Iam always asking about the W though. He has no problem when I ask. I always wonder whether to believe him or not. He sounds so BELIEVABLE...ya know?? It's funny how you said his W has no respect for him & how they fight. My MM says the same thing. Very interesting. I wish you the best of luck!!
Seen_It_All Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 What do you guys think...am i overreacting about these two things? Overreacting because he KNOWINGLY is having sex without birth control - with the wife he CAN'T STAND - knowing it could very well may result in ANOTHER child? If he can't stand her as he claims, how is he able to have sex with her? If he can't stand her, why is he taking the chance of impregnating her and possibly digging himself into this 'miserable marriage' even deeper? If he can't stand her, why is he planning this big vacation of traveling and visiting friends all over the place? You're VERY smart to be questioning his intentions because he's clearly talking out of BOTH sides of his mouth (as most of them do). His words obviously mean NOTHING. The guy lies like a rug. What are his ACTIONS showing you? I mean, besides going away for a family vacation and trying to impregnate his wife? Have you seen any indication of him actually putting his MONEY where his MOUTH is? I don't. Not from your post. Sorry.
otherlover Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 hey i just wanted to say that last week my married man and his wife and kid went to florida to visit his father and let me tell you that was the worst week of my life..i totally feel your pain babylove. I was so sick to my stomach i wanted to cry and times i didnt think i could take another day. he texted me whenever he could sending me little things like i love you and i miss you and we talked online at night but the thought of them going away together made me want to be sick. I dont know how i did it and i didnt want to ask him if they were having sex but he finally told me that one night they did i almost burst into tears. Why is he with me if he still gets sex at home?
mopar crazy Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 He stays out almost every night w/me & he says she doesnt have the right to ask him questions...(& she doesn't!) He says she does the same thing sometimes. I don't why this stuck out the most w/ all the replies to Babylove's thread but it did. My H stayed out almost every night himself (but not w/ the exOW) and I had EVERY right to question him b/c I'm his W, just like your MM's W has every right to question him. I haven't read all your threads or replies For You I Will, but if his W is a total b!tch to him no wonder, he is gone every night. Regardless if he's with you or not he needs to grow up and be a H (and a father if he has children) and keeps his a$$ home once in awhile. There is no reason or no excuses for a MM to be out every night, A or not. To Babylove, you have a right to be upset. He obviously has some love for his W if he is still having sex w/ her and is willing to bring another child into this world. If he really hated her, wanted nothing to do w/ her, he wouldn't be having sex w/ her, he wouldn't want to bring a child into this world, and he wouldn't want to vacation w/ her. My sister couldn't stand her xH. She wanted nothing to do w/ him. She couldn't stand being near him, she couldn't stand looking at him, couldn't stand hearing his voice, and even though hate is a strong word she said she hated him. She D him.
For You I Will Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 He stays out almost every night w/me & he says she doesnt have the right to ask him questions...(& she doesn't!) He says she does the same thing sometimes. I don't why this stuck out the most w/ all the replies to Babylove's thread but it did. My H stayed out almost every night himself (but not w/ the exOW) and I had EVERY right to question him b/c I'm his W, just like your MM's W has every right to question him. I haven't read all your threads or replies For You I Will, but if his W is a total b!tch to him no wonder, he is gone every night. Regardless if he's with you or not he needs to grow up and be a H (and a father if he has children) and keeps his a$$ home once in awhile. There is no reason or no excuses for a MM to be out every night, A or not. I agree w/ "thats how a husband should be to his wife." A husband SHOULD be at home w/his wife every night..not going out. Spending time w/his wife, children, etc. When I said that his W doesn't have any right to question him, I meant b/c she has spent nights out herself. That would make her a hypocrite. However, this is what he just "tells me." How accurate is it?? I guess I will only ever know what is told to me.
mopar crazy Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 He stays out almost every night w/me & he says she doesnt have the right to ask him questions...(& she doesn't!) He says she does the same thing sometimes. I agree w/ "thats how a husband should be to his wife." A husband SHOULD be at home w/his wife every night..not going out. Spending time w/his wife, children, etc. When I said that his W doesn't have any right to question him, I meant b/c she has spent nights out herself. That would make her a hypocrite. However, this is what he just "tells me." How accurate is it?? I guess I will only ever know what is told to me. Yea who knows how accurate these MM are when it comes to telling the OW the truth. Some may tell the truth, others lie to get what they want. Some may really love the OW some just tell them that to get what they want. It's all a mess. I don't feel one bit sorry for a MM who screws around on his W and then gets caught and he!! breaks loose. Does his W go out a lot? I know b4 H's A I was lucky I got out a couple times throughout the year. Not that I didn't want to go out, he just made plans to be w/ his buddies and go out drinking while I stayed at home and raised our children. Yes, I was b!tch to him going out all the time but damn, what W would allow her H to go out and get drunk most nights and think it's ok? Even my neighbors would say "A is sure gone a lot isn't he? Doesn't he ever stay home?" When we were going through our D (long story) my eldery neighbor that lived next door to us mentioned that he noticed H was never home. My H never really grew up. Most of his friends didn't care if they were M or not, they were never home. One guy had a terrible M, cheated on his W w/ a good friend of mine, there was several of them who weren't M but living w/ their GF's and no children 2gether. H was the only one in his group of friends that was M w/ young children. He wanted a W and children but he didn't want the responsibilities of it all. That is one reason why I think the A was such a turn on for him. The OW didn't bitch at him about staying home and being a H and a father.
For You I Will Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 He claims that his W would go out many times. He also told me, that she cheated on him & he confronted her & she denied it. He will stay out quite a few times w/me & I always wonder what his W says to him when he's about to leave to come see me. He says she doesn't say anything & that his daughter tells him not to go. He says the W doesn't have a right to know. ???? You mentioned how your neighbors even noticed your H staying out. Did you ever go out?? I assume your husband had an A? Like you said, some MM lie to get their way & some tell the truth (i wonder how often). I think thats my biggest question for my MM... if he is telling me the truth?!! How will OW ever know?? Unless you spy on them & drive past their house..just kidding . But seriously, how is the OW ever supposed to believe their MM if say, all their lies become their truths??
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