One question...why?

[erika2610]

There are different ways to give support darlin. She never claimed to know what every husband is thinking. Maybe we're reading different posts evidently.. I see posts that show support and advice. Maybe not coddling, but support nevertheless. She actually has defended some OW in the past when people attack them.. never have I read a thousand times from her 'He'll never leave her for you'. Maybe you should reread some posts..

[lovernotafighter]

So i was wondering why do all these MM's who say they don't want to leave their W, just have an affair, lead women to believe differently???

 

this is the question rolling around in my mind...my MM kept talking like he wants to leave his marriage so I called him to the mat and he back tracked.

 

but them came back and said okay...he is really going back and forth though...one mon. it's 6 months the next it's a year..who knows.

 

all I know untill I told him I was going to be dating others he has been saying and acting very erraticly and I can't tell fact from fiction

[newbby]

Because women like to feel victimized. It's far more convenient than facing the fact that the are every bit as much the predator as the man. Then they can rely on everyone commiserating with poor little them.

bullhunter, is this you?

anyway,

in the real world, the ow rarely gets commiseration. in this forum it happens from other ow, but not often from anyone else. also because women are naturally more jealous and bitchy of other women and forgiving of men, and talk alot, the ow gets a very bad press.

lets face it, the only place she can come to vent about her feelings.

whoever you are, i think theres more to it, than an objective opinion. you obviously think the ow deserves much more blame than she is getting.

[newbby]

Quote:

Originally Posted by castle26

...WWIU, you always say basically the same thing no matter who the woman is. He was never going to leave her for you, or, he is never going to leave her for you, or he never intended to leave her for you, etc. you know everything about every husband everywhere! (and you don't even have a husband) I'm sorry, but it's overkill.

 

I very much disagree. I don't think it's overkill with WWIU. I've read her posts here in this forum, and even though she's not a BS or OW, she still posts with some empathy. Most of what she says is the truth.. and I enjoy seeing what she has to say. If you'll read the different threads, you'll see that alot of the situations ARE the same.. not all, but alot are..

 

 

Ericka, you disagree with what? That "he will never leave his wife for you..." phrased one hundred different ways is not overkill? That WWIU somehow KNOWS exactly what husbands are thinking-----ALL HUSBANDS EVERYWHERE-----(when she doesn't have one). Believe me, ladies there is a HUGE difference between shacking up and being married. I've read the threads and see no empathy whatsoever, only the typical anti-OW bias of an overly-jealous sounding female whose purpose in the OW/OM forum seems to be as a cheerleader for faithfulness...do these women (lacking in self-esteem in my opinion) who post THOUSANDS of messages here really have relationships with men? Do they have TIME to devote to making a man happy? How can they have any kind of relationship, they're always here on this forum telling OW how wrong they are. I look for support in the OW forum, call me crazy.

much as i like wwiu,

i agree, somewhat.

i think for many wives (or good as wives), it feels more secure to think that they always have the most importance, no matter what. its understandable, but it doesnt mean it is always so. maybe it is so for you wwiu.

in my experience for example, mm was only desperate for sex and to prove his attractiveness by being able to get a good looking woman like me, it does not mean however, that all mm are only after sex or that all ow are good looking .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[

[Ladyjane14]

You know, it IS a generalization to say that "MM never leave their wives for the OW". I think we all recognize that. But we shouldn't have to 'qualify' every single sentence here with allowances for the miniscule possibility that a realtionship borne of infidelity is going to work out peachy-keen.

 

You know it only took me about two minutes to google up statistics on the OW's potential for success in creating a life-long relationship after the affair. There's PLENTY of information to be had. This is just one of the articles I found: http://www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com/getinformed/stats.html

 

1-3 out of 100 survive. That's it. That means the odds are 97% in favor that an OW is spinning her wheels, tearing her heart out over NOTHING.

 

WWIU is a wonderful poster here at LS. She's got more patience with people in one little finger than most of us can manage to come up with in our whole bodies. People come here because they're lonely or scared or confused....and she answers that 'cry from the darkness' with "You are not alone". She may not always tell you what you want to hear, but she's THERE to answer the call.

[zarathustra]

Ok, so she said something like "MMs never leave the wife for the OW", and yes mine did to be with me for a while and then went back to his wife, so in that case her statement is logically untrue, but come on! WWIU, I took it for what it's worth, a generalization and that the jist is that in most instances (greater than 95% chance),

most affairs end up with the OP as the loser.

 

So, I agree with you LadyJane, I've seen many posts from WWIU and she tries to give heartfelt and genuine advice/opinions. That's what we're all doing here. Sure, there are going to be disagreement about the opinion/advice but I think its important not to attack others.

[Blind Illusion]

Statistics are a funny thing and I really don't like to attach too much importance to them. Basically, for the most part, one can find stats to back up anything.

 

I am not naive though. (or try not to be). Probably most men don't leave their already established families. What wouldn't be reflected, however, in those numbers are

• Men who divorced & never let it be known there was someone else involved until much later on down the line. (usually to avoid losing the further respect of the children that "he left Mom for someone else)

• Men who made new lives with another woman & the marriage thrives minus the normal problems that every union faces. These people are not going to be lamenting in OW threads or Infidelity forums. They are living & enjoying their new lives.

While this statistic (of how many married men leave their spouses) is readily thrown around, I am curious about 2 that I rarely hear.

1. How many woman do leave their original marriages to be with another?
   
2. How many of these marriages that are rarely left for the OW, suffer from further infidelities down the line or is it statistically a one time thing? I have seen the cliche thrown around, "If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you" and I am not denying the possibility of such a truth. I was always curious, to know, though, why the "roving eye" only remains a problem if the MM goes off with the OW. If he stays put, does this "eye affliction" solve itself, forevermore?

[Sami_D]

Blind Illusion those first reasons you give are exactly why the so-called statistics just can't be correct.

 

Only the other day someone here (LovernotaFighter?) wrote in a post that they had confessed to their mother that they were involved with a MM... to find out that her own mother had been the OW... and her father the MM in a similar situation (hope I got that right)... and had never told people.

 

MM and I plan to do exactly the same, as far as possible. NO ONE is going to know that this relationship started off as an affair. People Don't Tell Those Things.

[whichwayisup]

You misunderstood me completely. When I said I feel married, that is NOT the same as what you've described above in your reply. My hubby and I are COMMON LAW. Legally we ARE MARRIED, just minus the actual piece of paper and the ring. (And the wedding presents! ) That is how WE FEEL about our relationship. Our lives are together, money, house, family entwined, friends, neighbours...That is a marriage. A life we have built together.

 

 

Thanks LadyJane (and you are a lady!), Zarathustra and Erika.

 

So, I'll just say to you or anybody else who doesn't like my replies, DON'T read 'em if you don't like 'em. That isn't going to stop me from helping or giving my thoughts.

[Guest]

Quote:

Originally Posted by castle26

Believe me, ladies there is a HUGE difference between shacking up and being married.

 

I really don't understand what the big deal is, really. How a is relationship is magically altered by a piece of paper from the state? If there are children, and shared assets (such as properties, ect.) involved in a relationship, would splitting up be any less messy or cause less heartache just because the two aren't married? Would the people love each other any less because there is no ring? I am just curious as to why you seem to think that people who "shack up" have a substandard relationship compared to those who get married.

[castle26]

By the way, the law does not recognize the word "marriage" with your domestic arrangement, no matter how many times you use it in describing your partnership with the man who lives with you. You need to understand too that your personal property rights are not protected as a wife's are. Also, a common law domestic partner can be compelled to testify against his or her partner in a court of law. I suggest that you should use some of your spare time to learn how to have a more stable future, and to protect your rights. That is MY advice. It is correct advice, and you would be smart to follow it. And, You're Welcome.

[lovernotafighter]

Statistics are a funny thing and I really don't like to attach too much importance to them. Basically, for the most part, one can find stats to back up anything.

 

I am not naive though. (or try not to be). Probably most men don't leave their already established families. What wouldn't be reflected, however, in those numbers are

• Men who divorced & never let it be known there was someone else involved until much later on down the line. (usually to avoid losing the further respect of the children that "he left Mom for someone else)

• Men who made new lives with another woman & the marriage thrives minus the normal problems that every union faces. These people are not going to be lamenting in OW threads or Infidelity forums. They are living & enjoying their new lives.

While this statistic (of how many married men leave their spouses) is readily thrown around, I am curious about 2 that I rarely hear.

1. How many woman do leave their original marriages to be with another?
   
2. How many of these marriages that are rarely left for the OW, suffer from further infidelities down the line or is it statistically a one time thing? I have seen the cliche thrown around, "If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you" and I am not denying the possibility of such a truth. I was always curious, to know, though, why the "roving eye" only remains a problem if the MM goes off with the OW. If he stays put, does this "eye affliction" solve itself, forevermore?

 

lol! "eye affliction" I love it.

I'm curious to those stats as well..I know I'm about to get a divorce and my MM was out of his M I'd be with him..part of him is my driving force but not because I want to be with him but because I'm living a lie and it wrecking havok on my mind.

 

Blind Illusion those first reasons you give are exactly why the so-called statistics just can't be correct.

 

Only the other day someone here (LovernotaFighter?) wrote in a post that they had confessed to their mother that they were involved with a MM... to find out that her own mother had been the OW... and her father the MM in a similar situation (hope I got that right)... and had never told people.

 

MM and I plan to do exactly the same, as far as possible. NO ONE is going to know that this relationship started off as an affair. People Don't Tell Those Things.

 

yes it was me and they were both married and ended up marrying each other and no one ever knew they left to be together..I was so shocked.

when me and my MM have talked recently about the leaving we to believe we should keep this a complete sercret no one ever in a million years need to know what we have done.

I really don't understand what the big deal is, really. How a is relationship is magically altered by a piece of paper from the state? If there are children, and shared assets (such as properties, ect.) involved in a relationship, would splitting up be any less messy or cause less heartache just because the two aren't married? Would the people love each other any less because there is no ring? I am just curious as to why you seem to think that people who "shack up" have a substandard relationship compared to those who get married.

to true..me and my husband were living together for 7 years before we got married and not a damn thing changed..well our personalities over time of coarse but we still share all the bills and resposiblites...it really doesn't matter.

[castle26]

Believe me, ladies there is a HUGE difference between shacking up and being married.

 

I really don't understand what the big deal is, really. How a is relationship is magically altered by a piece of paper from the state? If there are children, and shared assets (such as properties, ect.) involved in a relationship, would splitting up be any less messy or cause less heartache just because the two aren't married? Would the people love each other any less because there is no ring? I am just curious as to why you seem to think that people who "shack up" have a substandard relationship compared to those who get married.

 

 

It definitely IS substandard because the woman is letting the man have all the benefits of marriage, without having to "buy a ring" and "sign a paper."

Common Law vs Married---A "common law" partner CAN be forced to testify against their partner in court. How's that sound for you? Also, the "common" arrangement does not give the same protections property-wise that the married arrangement does, in the event that the couple splits up. In other words, the government--at least in the US and Canada--will automatically assume that personal property is jointly-owned and it's split in the event of divorce. Not so without the "piece of paper" that some of you think "doesn't matter." Dividing up real estate becomes very messy when the couple who've been living together split up. Do you want elected "officials" to decide if you deserve to keep any of what you have worked your entire adult life to accumulate? Most of those officials would be male, by the way.

[whichwayisup]

That's not true. If a will is drawn up between commonlaw couples it is EXACTLY the same as married couples with all those benefits. Atleast from what I know.

 

And not all couples who break up end up it being all nasty and horrible.

 

Believe me, ladies there is a HUGE difference between shacking up and being married.

 

Maybe to you it is, to me and many others it isn't. I am just as committed now as I would be if I was "married" with a ring and a piece of paper. Makes NO difference in how I feel or how the legal system views it here in Canada.

 

It definitely IS substandard because the woman is letting the man have all the benefits of marriage, without having to "buy a ring" and "sign a paper."

 

Again, that is one side, one opinion. Many others feel that isn't an issue nor should it be if two people decide to spend the rest of their life together.

[castle26]

---Men who made new lives with another woman & the marriage thrives minus the normal problems that every union faces. These people are not going to be lamenting in OW threads or Infidelity forums. They are living & enjoying their new lives.

While this statistic (of how many married men leave their spouses) is readily thrown around, I am curious about 2 that I rarely hear.

1. How many woman do leave their original marriages to be with another?
   
2. How many of these marriages that are rarely left for the OW, suffer from further infidelities down the line or is it statistically a one time thing? I have seen the cliche thrown around, "If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you" and I am not denying the possibility of such a truth. I was always curious, to know, though, why the "roving eye" only remains a problem if the MM goes off with the OW. If he stays put, does this "eye affliction" solve itself, forevermore?

 

I haven't been here for awhile--I've been traveling and enjoying life--yay! I had to comment, Blind Illusion, on your above points, especially the tired notion that "He'll cheat on you! He'll cheat on you!" Squawk! Sqauwk! He'll cheat on you!"...I was sick of hearing that one about two eons ago and have been wondering the same thing...thanks for your observation on this...