AZKHO Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 So i was wondering why do all these MM's who say they don't want to leave their W, just have an affair, lead women to believe differently???
Blind Illusion Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 It could be lots of things: * Feelings grow on one or both parts & it's only natural to speculate of a life together. * Sometimes confused feelings result & you genuinely wonder what life would be like with that other person. * I guess there are also those MM that just say what the OW wants to hear but I don't think the majority deliberately or callously mislead. I think it's more to the point where they talk "in the moment" & probably do mean it for that moment.
My_Other_I Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 Because: a) we fall for it b) they get what they want Unfortunatelly we teach them how to act towards us. If they find someone willing to accept the fact that he is married, willing to accept the secrecy and yet still show love and affection, what could be better? They come to the OW for good times free of fights and arguments. Just fun and amazing sex. Go out, cook together, have a good relationship that's not real. A fantasy world where the MM strives and succeeds, where he is actually THE man - he is adored, taken care of and desired. Why wouldn't they do everything possible to keep it for as long as possible? We make them feel good and they like it. Whether or not they do it intentionally is a whole different story. They THINK they love the OW. They do in a way, until the OW becomes a WOMAN with dignity, own opinions and own desires. Then she becomes too real. And too real of a problem.
Walking away Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 I agree My Other I. But, this is the thing, I have faught this affair with my MM tooth and nail. He would tell you that I am EXTREMELY difficult to manage because I rage and fight this relationship...within myself and with him. I am not the "typical" OW that just accepts everything and quietly smiles and gives him everything he wants. I go toe to toe with him about his marriage, his feelings, my feeings...everything that hurts me in our relationship. He has dark circles under his eyes, he can't sleep. I am truly a "problem OW". Now, why in the world would he put up with all my internal and external battles with his relationship? I have told him that certainly there are many women who would be very happy with the relationship he is giving me, but it is not good enough for me. He agrees...he treats me like an absolute queen and truly does adore me. I have always maintained my dignity, opinions and desires and have certainly shared my opinions and desires with him.....What gives?
Sasperilla Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 Because this is what reels women in. If they said "Look, here's the deal: I love my wife, I picked her for a life partner and wouldn't pick you, but unfortunately my life at home revolves around the school run and discussing wall colours. I need someone to help me feel like a 17-year-old stud again, who makes me feel sexy and clever. I want a relationship that is superficial enough that you don't require too much from me, other than to be your 'knight in shining armour', most women would run a mile. So instead, they say enough for the OW to fill in the missing bits herself so that she thinks he actually said them. So it goes something like this, "I really respect and admire my wife, she's a great Mum but there's just something missing (OW: What a really nice guy. He obviously got tied up someone and is honouring that committment, yet knows I am his REAL soulmate). I just want to be with you so much, but it's the kids (OW: Wow, this guy really loves his kids - he is TORN! MM: I love having string-free sex with you but there is no way I would leave the social standing of my family and take you on as a life partner.) I think about you all the time (OW: Wow, just like me! This is so hard yet so romantic. We want to be together so much, yet we just can't! MM: I keep in touch enough to keep this thing running but it's my side thing). Maybe one day...(OW: When the kids are old enough/finished school/his wife has come off her meds/the dog has finally died, we'll be together and my life will finally BEGIN! MM: One day, this will have to stop before I get caught, but Jeez right now I am just enjoying myself too much. What a great guy I am!!).
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 So i was wondering why do all these MM's who say they don't want to leave their W, just have an affair, lead women to believe differently??? Because they want to have their cake and eat it too. It's called being SELFISH and he's only thinking "ME ME and ME, I WANT, I WANT, I WANT.."
Guest Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 My experience..... He and I were the best of friends for a long time, absolutely nothing going on between us AND I never heard anything negative about his wife/marriage. Out of the blue he called and told me that his marriage hadn't been good for a long time--they were struggling to keep it together. He didn't tell me this to start an affair--he told me this because he felt we needed to curtail any time alone as he had strong feelings for me and didn't want that to interfere with his decision on what to do about his marriage. About a month down the road--we did sleep together--he felt guilty/I felt guilty, although he had made a decision about his marriage, but nothing was tangible (no separation). I told him that I loved him and would always be his friend, but could not live with myself being with a man who was married and if there was even a glimmer of hope of working things out with his wife he should go for it. Well, two weeks later he told his wife he wanted to separate and he moved out his house. They are now divorced and we are together--and this ALL went down (affair, separation and divorce) in less then a year. Some men/women are struggling with their situations and are trying to do the right thing by everyone. But these people usually make their decisions quickly and don't drag on an affair indefinately.
Author AZKHO Posted March 8, 2006 Author Posted March 8, 2006 Thank you everyone, i guess i am just really mad at my now ex MM. He is such a jerk, i just wish that i could disappear. People keep telling me the reason why i look to MM's is because i lack self confidence???? Has any one else ever heard that. I think i have fine self confidence, maybe??? Is there something wrong with me, like i am not good enough to win MM over...i am hurting today!!!
Walking away Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 Don't beat yourself up. I do not consider myself to have a lack of self confidence. It was that attribute that my MM said he admires in me. My self-confidence, however, has become the downfall of that same relationship. I, even though I am bleeding inside, LIKE myself too much to suffer any longer, so, therefore, my self respect won, and he lost. I am hurting like crazy right now, but I feel relief, too, because I am doing what is ultimately best for ME. And, I think it takes a tremendous amount of strength to do what is best for ourselves.
catgirl1927 Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 Is there something wrong with me, like i am not good enough to win MM over...i am hurting today!!! This isn't very self confident. You shouldn't need to steal a man from someone else to think that you're really attractive or worthwhile. You could probably have just about any single man you want, why worry over ones that are taken? Besides, if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you. You deserve better than some lying cheating vermin anyway!
scarletletter Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 The original question is a good one and one that I have thought alot about too. I think that many times, the relationship grows, maybe the MM makes promises that he really does not intend to keep and strings the ow along. She must get these ideas from somewhere. It takes a mature mindset to handle this type of situation. You cannot go into it thinking you are going to come out a winner. There must be a mutual understanding of what the expectations are prior to the relationship starting. Possibly many MM go after young, child-bearing women who would like to start a family of their own and they they begin to believe that the MM is the one to do it with. In reality, many MM are not wanting to start a new family. Many have already raised their children and are not expecting to have more. The younger women may think they can talk him into it or "accidentally" get pregnant...which is sad because that will surely destroy the relationship. It is a fantasy world, mm don't want to be pressured into another family.
No Stress Lady Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 The original question is a good one and one that I have thought alot about too. I think that many times, the relationship grows, maybe the MM makes promises that he really does not intend to keep and strings the ow along. She must get these ideas from somewhere. It takes a mature mindset to handle this type of situation. You cannot go into it thinking you are going to come out a winner. There must be a mutual understanding of what the expectations are prior to the relationship starting. Possibly many MM go after young, child-bearing women who would like to start a family of their own and they they begin to believe that the MM is the one to do it with. In reality, many MM are not wanting to start a new family. Many have already raised their children and are not expecting to have more. The younger women may think they can talk him into it or "accidentally" get pregnant...which is sad because that will surely destroy the relationship. It is a fantasy world, mm don't want to be pressured into another family. I totally agree with you here Scarlet Letter - I said something similar in one of my earlier posts - NOBODY should get involved with a MM with the "expectation" that they will divorce..........
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Thank you everyone, i guess i am just really mad at my now ex MM. He is such a jerk, i just wish that i could disappear. People keep telling me the reason why i look to MM's is because i lack self confidence???? Has any one else ever heard that. I think i have fine self confidence, maybe??? Is there something wrong with me, like i am not good enough to win MM over...i am hurting today!!! You could be vunerable and that is what he picked up on. Doesn't mean he meant to hurt or use you, but you fit his needs and he was able to manipulate you more easily....Whisper sweet nothings into your ears, and allow things to happen. Don't beat up on yourself. Most of all, don't compare yourself to the love he feels for his wife. NO OW should EVER think they'll replace their MM's wives. Some MM, cheating or not, when divorced, NEVER have the same deep and open love again. Once was enough - And if love comes around a second time, if they're lucky - then that is a different story. So, just say that he wasn't yours to begin with, he was married to someone else. He was never going to leave her for you. So that is why it would never work...OK? Just don't take it out on yourself. You have to believe there is some single man out there, just waiting to meet you! Build up your self confidence! And don't even think about the MM. He isn't worthy of YOUR thoughts! You can do better than him! Remember that!
castle26 Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 Don't beat up on yourself. Most of all, don't compare yourself to the love he feels for his wife. NO OW should EVER think they'll replace their MM's wives. Some MM, cheating or not, when divorced, NEVER have the same deep and open love again. So, just say that he wasn't yours to begin with, he was married to someone else. He was never going to leave her for you. So that is why it would never work...Ok! ...WWIU, you always say basically the same thing no matter who the woman is...He was never going to leave her for you, or, he is never going to leave her for you, or he never intended to leave her for you, etc. you know everything about every husband everywhere! (and you don't even have a husband) I'm sorry, but it's overkill.
alwayslate Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 I have to laugh at this thread because here I am a MM having a relationship with a MW and wishing she would leave him but knowing she wont. Whats worse is that I love her and would leave my spouse if she would agree to do the same. She claims she has tried to leave but doesnt want to because she doesnt want to destroy his life. In my mind if my MW doesnt love him and is with him just because she doesnt want to hurt him then something is wrong because she is being unfaithful to him which is hurting him, she maintains contact with me which is hurting him and she claims to love me and that cant be good for her marriage. Why do you all think its always the woman who is the victim here??
lovernotafighter Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 I have to laugh at this thread because here I am a MM having a relationship with a MW and wishing she would leave him but knowing she wont. Whats worse is that I love her and would leave my spouse if she would agree to do the same. She claims she has tried to leave but doesnt want to because she doesnt want to destroy his life. In my mind if my MW doesnt love him and is with him just because she doesnt want to hurt him then something is wrong because she is being unfaithful to him which is hurting him, she maintains contact with me which is hurting him and she claims to love me and that cant be good for her marriage. Why do you all think its always the woman who is the victim here?? actually my MM and I are the victims of each other, we love yet hurt each other a great deal. he asks me for my opinion every week as to my views on his marrige and every week I tell him the same thing...he looks so pained..I will not say what he wants to hear.
For You I Will Posted March 12, 2006 Posted March 12, 2006 Hey alwayslate, Its good to see a Man on LS. Its also relieving to see that its just not OW that are suffering...I always wondered if my MM feels pain & is ever sad about our situation. The feeling is indescribable when you want your OW/OM to leave...& it's just not possible. Are YOU ready to leave your marriage for this other MW??? I wouldn't doubt your pain AT ALL. Good luck.
lizad Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 I have to laugh at this thread because here I am a MM having a relationship with a MW and wishing she would leave him but knowing she wont. Whats worse is that I love her and would leave my spouse if she would agree to do the same. She claims she has tried to leave but doesnt want to because she doesnt want to destroy his life. In my mind if my MW doesnt love him and is with him just because she doesnt want to hurt him then something is wrong because she is being unfaithful to him which is hurting him, she maintains contact with me which is hurting him and she claims to love me and that cant be good for her marriage. Why do you all think its always the woman who is the victim here?? sounds like my MM........
Guest Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 Why do you all think its always the woman who is the victim here?? Because women like to feel victimized. It's far more convenient than facing the fact that the are every bit as much the predator as the man. Then they can rely on everyone commiserating with poor little them.
whichwayisup Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 Originally Posted by alwayslate I have to laugh at this thread because here I am a MM having a relationship with a MW and wishing she would leave him but knowing she wont. Whats worse is that I love her and would leave my spouse if she would agree to do the same. She claims she has tried to leave but doesnt want to because she doesnt want to destroy his life. In my mind if my MW doesnt love him and is with him just because she doesnt want to hurt him then something is wrong because she is being unfaithful to him which is hurting him, she maintains contact with me which is hurting him and she claims to love me and that cant be good for her marriage. Why do you all think its always the woman who is the victim here?? The thing is, if you're unhappy in your marriage, why don't you leave your wife? OW or not, you now are making your wife second best. You're settling. Staying with your wife ONLY because your OW hasn't left her spouse...
whichwayisup Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 ...WWIU, you always say basically the same thing no matter who the woman is...He was never going to leave her for you, or, he is never going to leave her for you, or he never intended to leave her for you, etc. you know everything about every husband everywhere! (and you don't even have a husband) I'm sorry, but it's overkill. Common law hubby is close enough. Sure, I don't have the ring on my finger and a piece of paper. My hubby and I FEEL we're married. That is what counts at the end of the day. It's not like I'm sitting here clueless and stupid like you're making it seem. You don't like my advice, fine, don't read it. I couldn't care less. Put your own spin on it, obviously I've touched a nerve with you. I WILL tell you, most of the advice I give is from what I've seen here over the past few years. There is a pattern, sure, different players, but basically the outcome is more or less the same. Ask ANYBODY around here who's been on LS long enough. They'd say the exact same thing.
erika2610 Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 ...WWIU, you always say basically the same thing no matter who the woman is...He was never going to leave her for you, or, he is never going to leave her for you, or he never intended to leave her for you, etc. you know everything about every husband everywhere! (and you don't even have a husband) I'm sorry, but it's overkill. I very much disagree. I don't think it's overkill with WWIU. I've read her posts here in this forum, and even though she's not a BS or OW, she still posts with some empathy. Most of what she says is the truth.. and I enjoy seeing what she has to say. If you'll read the different threads, you'll see that alot of the situations ARE the same.. not all, but alot are..
erika2610 Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 Thanks for the kind words Erika. You're welcome
lovernotafighter Posted March 14, 2006 Posted March 14, 2006 Because women like to feel victimized. It's far more convenient than facing the fact that the are every bit as much the predator as the man. Then they can rely on everyone commiserating with poor little them.augh please..I for one have admitted I am a equal party to my affair and honestly believe my MM is ready for us to be together. I am the one hurting him in the same token hurting myself. I don't want anyone to be hurt but that is the way of a affair,someone has to hurt and right now it's us.
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