ahogo Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 hello fellow shackers, been lurking and reading here for awhile--soon after the disintegration. its been fairly helpful, some fine folks here, all with similar stories, situations, and feelings. i've found no foolin', rio, and cali guy's posts peppered with wisdom and insight. many others too. for me, its been 10 days of NC. 2.5yr relationship ended when she moved out dec. 1. she warned me right before thanksgiving of her plans. we talked, i cried, told her that her place was with me in our house. she agreed to stay. 3 days later, i came home to an empty house. been doin' lotsa introspection, and i can easily see my faults and contributions to the demise (we both partied quite a bit together and i think that displaced any real communication) and i realize that she probably never was the one for me. i see lotsa red flags that i brushed aside in the beginning. hey, she chased me and i got caught up in that. honestly, it felt pretty good and i went along. don't get me entirely wrong, we had lotsa good times together. a little background, FWIW: she's 42, i'm 34. she has 3 kids (youngest is 19), 3 diff fathers, married twice, abused as a child. can we say lotsa baggage? me, no kids, never married...what was i thinking...i guess i wasn't --it was fun. of course over time, i became attached, but her reason for leaving was that "we don't talk about plans for a future". fair enough, i suppose sub-consciously, i didn't see her as the one, or waffled back and forth. she was probably keen enough to pick up on that. nowadays, i see both sides of the coin--i'm split between the battle of heart vs. mind. i suppose what i'm really missing is the daily connection, the intimacy, someone that i woke up next to every morning. the sharing of thoughts and feelings. cooking meals together. movies. things you do as a couple, as part of daily living. easy come, easy go, right? i'm surprised we lasted as long as we did. she was very insecure about me cheating (never did) and she'd call many times throughout the day--you know, to check up on me. but when the situation was reversed, that was another story. double standards. i think she's afraid of being alone--already had the next guy lined up before she split. guess she's his problem now. in a way, i'm relieved, but damn, the pain is real and longlasting. i still wake up at 4:30 in the morning, tossing and turning, thinking that the bed is emptier now. there's still an outline of her dresser embedded in the carpet in the bedroom (yes, i've re-arranged the house a bit since then). its hard at work to concentrate on tasks at hand. i'm focusing on friends and family, and getting out of this house (rental) and moving forward with my life, but am still haunted daily. the NC has helped, but today i get a phishing line dropped in my inbox--"leaving for vegas tomorrow. hope you're doing ok. maybe i'll share if i win big". WTF?? it is my opinion that some people revel in the drama, and really have no idea as to the impact of their decisions on others. another reason to say good riddance!!! anyway, i don't know if i saw this posted here on LS or not, but it surely is illuminating for the next relationship any of us are to emabark upon. http://www.boomeranglove.com/redflagspfv.htm after i read that, it was like, 'holy crap'...i've seen at least half of these attributes in her behavior. read it people, pay attention, and be careful!! -choking
qnmc Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 You're doing everything right, A. It sounds like you got away from one of life's "people users." Good for you! I got away from one as well. Thanks for sending out that list, saw tons of similarities with my ex as well. Also, good for you for going NC, it's the only way. And it's total BS that she sent you an email about going to Vegas - I think you see right through her, that it's her way of trying to twist the knife. By not responding you're not giving her the BS attention that she so craves. Way to go!
Author ahogo Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 thx for the reply, qnmc. today is her bday. i'm torn over sending her a quick "hi. i'm fine. happy bd" email or the NC no response. i admit, i am in a weak place and part of me still hopes for reconcilliation, even tho i know it won't last or be healthy in the long term. i cannot anymore accept only the crumbs she's been doling out over the past 8 weeks. its certainly been a headf*** for a while now, and NC is at least keeping me stable--stable state of obsession. yes, she's a "people user", but don't we all do that to some extent? i realize that comment probably doesn't sound as innocent as intended, but get my drift--no man is an island? emotional crutch. perhaps i gave her/us too much focus and thats why i'm in the place i'm in now, which is just north of hell.
riobikini Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 RE: perhaps i gave her/us too much focus and thats why i'm in the place i'm in now, which is just north of hell. North of hell is not too bad when you think about the alternative......besides you're moving on soon enough, anyway...right? (Wink...Smile) You're gonna be OK. -Rio
qnmc Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Tough call on whether to email/call/send her a card on her bday after 2.5 years in the relationship. Obviously we can't know on LS all of the dynamics of your relationship, but the thing that sticks out to me is... "already had the next guy lined up before she split. guess she's his problem now." Yes, she is his problem now, and you will look back on this through time as having dodged a bullet. There's a good solid reason you didn't talk about the future with her so much - you know deep down that she isn't the one. And you're right, what you're feeling right now is that sense of lost familiarity, lost security of a relationship. But that relationship was holding you back - you can't find "the one" while you're with someone else. Since she's with someone else already, I wouldn't acknowledge her birthday. When I look back, those first several days/weeks of NC were the toughest, but I'm glad I got through them. I think getting in contact this early on in NC would set me back to square 1 again.
Author ahogo Posted March 10, 2006 Author Posted March 10, 2006 RE: North of hell is not too bad when you think about the alternative......besides you're moving on soon enough, anyway...right? (Wink...Smile) You're gonna be OK. -Rio Sometimes its just north of hell, but that particular exit seems to send me on a circuitous path around and invariably south to HELL. sorry, got carried away there. but seriously, i don't feel like i am making much progress. she's on my mind the majority of the time i'm awake. its been 3 mos. since she moved out, but it still feels so fresh, like i'm stuck in a cycle. i'm sure i am mainly missing the feelings i had about myself when i was with her, and not necessarily her--at least i try to convince myself of that. that doesn't last long and i then feek that i really do miss the person. maybe its really a combination of the two. guess i'm still feeling down in the dumps and sorry for myself. i'm sure tired of talking to my friends about the whole thing, so thanks LS for listening.
qnmc Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Yes it's been 3 months since she moved out, however it's only been 10 days since you started NC. This is why you've been on your "circuitous route." By remaining in contact so soon after a breakup all it does is F with your head. I know it sucks, but you just have to go on faith that NC will get you back to normal much sooner than if you didn't do NC. Out of sight, out of mind, my friend. It DOES get better. It just might take a while. In the mean time go to the gym, keep yourself booked up every night that you can with things to do (hanging out with friends, a cooking class, etc.), and explore new hobbies and interests. Yes, you're going to need to wallow in it from time to time (it's a process that takes time), but by keeping yourself busy it will make the pain more manageable and give you some sense of control. There will be times, especially towards the beginning of NC, where all you want to do is hunker down in your house/aptmt and shut out the world. Sometimes you need to do this, but for the most part, try to use this as a cue that you need to start doing something (go to the gym, coffee shop, hang out with friends, etc.) - you'll be glad you did 15 minutes into whatever activity you choose. One last thing, don't get down on yourself for how you feel. Cry your eyes out when you need to. It goes against my maleness to say this, but it really is quite a release (women are on to something here).
qnmc Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 one more thing, this thread might help to understand where you'll eventually get to... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t83856/
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