Kids can be soooo cruel.

[luvtoto]

Junior high kids can be so cruel. Twenty years ago, I was picked on when I was in junior high...now, my daughter is getting picked on. UGH!!! She has bi-polar disorder, and the kids found out and now it's a free for all.

 

How do I help her when I didn't know how to handle it when I was a kid?? She's a tiny, blonde haired, blue eyed girl, that is very cute & funny...what is there not to like???

 

She gets on MSN and gets bullied there alot. When I see someone bullying my daughter...I want to say to my daughter, "move over, I'll handle this!". I have a couple times actually. Felt good. These kids are ruining my daughter!!!

 

Just a year ago...she was dating the most popular boy in her class...she dumped him and now she is treated like the plague. This boy told her that he made her popular and he can take it away.

 

I just get so frustrated seeing my daughter so unhappy. She wants to move. I don't know what to tell her, and I feel so powerless.

[luvtoto]

Hi, This is ***, Luvtoto's daughter..as you know my mother has posted a lil someting about my life..how kids my age can be cruel and mean, well its true. It may seem i have a "perfect" life on the outside but on the inside its not to perfect afterall. When i first moved to **** everybody loved me all the girls wanted to be my freind and all the guys absolutely had a crush on me, i thought it was always going to be like that forever. I guess not it took a sudden turn for the worse, crying at night laughing by day. Like my mom says i put up a "good" front i can fool anyone. It's like the kids hate me i dont know what they are thinking they confuse me, they like me one moment and dispise me the next? I almost want to hate them back.

 

----------------------------------------

This is luvtoto. My daughter needed to vent. I thought LS was as good a place as any. I think she's feeling a little better now.

[Outcast]

Have a talk with the principal of the school. See if the principal is open to the idea of information sessions on discrimination against people with illnesses. This could be a 'teachable moment' for her classmates and other students. The time to cut discrimination off at the knees is when kids are still young and, hopefully, still willing to learn.

[Guest]

hi i dont know if this makes sence, but im 17 and i must admit there was a time at school when i got a little to big for my boots and started teasing other people. u know. now 2years on from school ive realised that the only reason i picked on people was because they was better then me in some sort of way!

 

its hard when you get bullied at school as its more of a emotional thing in your head.. one day while i was at school. this girl i didnt like to much came up to me and looked me straight in the eyes as if to say to me. im not scared of your anymore i no im better then you. from that day on ive never even said a nasty word towards anyone.

 

i think what bullies have to learn is that dont have one over on you. make sure she goes to school no matter how hard it is.. cause if she doesnt then they have won. also it might be a good idea to tell her how totally out of this world she is and that the bullies are jelous of her i.e thats why they pick on her. i really hope that she sorts it all out. bullying is a nasty thing to go through.

all the best.lisa x

[sexyLMC]

hi well im 17 and i no what is it is be bullied. in my 1st couple of years at secondary school i was bullied not for any reason really. then one day this girl came over to me and stood right in my face. it took alot of effort but i knew i had to look her in the eyes and let her no she wasnt about to scare me off. and i did .. from that day onwards i neva got picked on. the times kind of changed and i went into being the most popular girl at school. the reason im saying this is because ive seen girls being bullied. and the only thing that bullies want the most is to see fear. thats what they live on.. i bet you say to ur daughter im goign to see the head master e.c.t and she says no dont it'll make it worse.. but serously. u go and see that head master tell them whats going on now.. before it gets worse. and keep going and going up there so everytime ur daughter even gets looked at in a frightning way then the bullies will be punshied.. is shes being bullied on msn tell her to read and laugh. because when your daughter grows up to be a beautiful girl, the bullys will still be stuck in there little lifes.. i really do wish you all the best in this.. bullying is amazing hard and unless you go through it you will never understand how much it hurts. thnx x lisa x

[luvtoto]

Have a talk with the principal of the school. See if the principal is open to the idea of information sessions on discrimination against people with illnesses. This could be a 'teachable moment' for her classmates and other students. The time to cut discrimination off at the knees is when kids are still young and, hopefully, still willing to learn.

 

Good suggestion, Outcast. Is there such a thing? I didn't realize she was being discriminated against. I don't want to put anymore of the spotlight on her. I swear...if one more kid calls her psycho I'm gonna go psycho!! She had her first episode at a hometown H.S. football game on night. She ended up in the hospital for a few days, because of her feeling suicidal.

 

She's been receiving counseling ever since. She's on medication and she is lots better!!! No more up and down mood swings anymore. She is stable now. However, the kids just can't let it go!!

 

I keep hoping that it will just blow over, but, it doesn't look like that's gonna happen anytime soon. I wish they would just give her another chance.

[luvtoto]

hi well im 17 and i no what is it is be bullied. in my 1st couple of years at secondary school i was bullied not for any reason really. then one day this girl came over to me and stood right in my face. it took alot of effort but i knew i had to look her in the eyes and let her no she wasnt about to scare me off. and i did .. from that day onwards i neva got picked on. the times kind of changed and i went into being the most popular girl at school. the reason im saying this is because ive seen girls being bullied. and the only thing that bullies want the most is to see fear. thats what they live on.. i bet you say to ur daughter im goign to see the head master e.c.t and she says no dont it'll make it worse.. but serously. u go and see that head master tell them whats going on now.. before it gets worse. and keep going and going up there so everytime ur daughter even gets looked at in a frightning way then the bullies will be punshied.. is shes being bullied on msn tell her to read and laugh. because when your daughter grows up to be a beautiful girl, the bullys will still be stuck in there little lifes.. i really do wish you all the best in this.. bullying is amazing hard and unless you go through it you will never understand how much it hurts. thnx x lisa x

 

Thanks LMC, my daughter woke up this morning, and I let her read your post. It means alot to her. If she can just *get it out* in words...she is so much better. She wrote the paragraph last night and then the rest of the night, she seemed more positive. Sometimes, all a person needs is a little understanding. I know how amazingly hard it is to go through bullying...I understand how much it can hurt and it's tearing me up inside to see her allow these kids to get to her! She just doesn't know her own power. I guess, maybe it's just a fact of life. Thanks again!

[Becoming]

To lil lovetoto: I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's very distressing when you're in the midst of all this crap, and it hurts. It's a bunch of little people trying to make someone else feel as little as they feel. They're probably also afraid of what they may have witnessed: a beautiful person who looked like she had it all together falling apart. If it could happen to you, they probably thought, it could happen to any one of us, and that thought is probably too scary for most folks your age to contemplate.

 

I'll share my story hoping it will give you some hope. I was in 9th grade, crowned homecoming queen. After that, none of my "friends" would talk to me. They started nasty rumors about me that were untrue. I was a cheerleader, and at a later football game where it poured the rain down, these people made mud balls and threw them at me all during the game. I am standing there long blonde hair dripping covered in mud people were throwing at me, and I just kept on cheering as though nothing unusual was happening.

 

That night when I got home, though, I fell apart, just crying and crying and crying. My parents actually noticed (a rarity) and the next night at the dinner table all the waterworks started again. I will never forget my Dad taking me onto his lap to cuddle me like he did when I was a wee one and my mother surrounding me behind me hugging me as well. It was then that they explained how jealousy works. The same applies to bullies, who are really just scared little people underneath.

 

Little people don't want anyone else to be big because it makes them feel bad about themselves. It's really not about you; you just get caught in the crossfire of all their insecurity.

 

So just hold your head up high and keep on cheering, knowing that you are surrounded by a parent who loves you enough to stand up for you and be there to support you through all of the emotional turmoil that is teenager-hood.

 

P.S. When I go back home now and see these people 25-30 years later, I have to shake my head wondering why I let them affect me so badly because I now have a great life, and they are still stuck in their same smallness with their same small hatefulness that has ruined many of their lives.

 

It's not nice, but it's true: living well is the best revenge. Live well.

[luvtoto]

To lil lovetoto: I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's very distressing when you're in the midst of all this crap, and it hurts. It's a bunch of little people trying to make someone else feel as little as they feel. They're probably also afraid of what they may have witnessed: a beautiful person who looked like she had it all together falling apart. If it could happen to you, they probably thought, it could happen to any one of us, and that thought is probably too scary for most folks your age to contemplate.

 

I'll share my story hoping it will give you some hope. I was in 9th grade, crowned homecoming queen. After that, none of my "friends" would talk to me. They started nasty rumors about me that were untrue. I was a cheerleader, and at a later football game where it poured the rain down, these people made mud balls and threw them at me all during the game. I am standing there long blonde hair dripping covered in mud people were throwing at me, and I just kept on cheering as though nothing unusual was happening.

 

That night when I got home, though, I fell apart, just crying and crying and crying. My parents actually noticed (a rarity) and the next night at the dinner table all the waterworks started again. I will never forget my Dad taking me onto his lap to cuddle me like he did when I was a wee one and my mother surrounding me behind me hugging me as well. It was then that they explained how jealousy works. The same applies to bullies, who are really just scared little people underneath.

 

Little people don't want anyone else to be big because it makes them feel bad about themselves. It's really not about you; you just get caught in the crossfire of all their insecurity.

 

So just hold your head up high and keep on cheering, knowing that you are surrounded by a parent who loves you enough to stand up for you and be there to support you through all of the emotional turmoil that is teenager-hood.

 

P.S. When I go back home now and see these people 25-30 years later, I have to shake my head wondering why I let them affect me so badly because I now have a great life, and they are still stuck in their same smallness with their same small hatefulness that has ruined many of their lives.

 

It's not nice, but it's true: living well is the best revenge. Live well.

 

Thank you, becoming. I got chills when I read your post. I'll let 'lil luvtoto' read this later when she gets home from school. I am sure she will appreciate your story. A year ago, she was little miss popularity, but now, just cause of her illness...she is an outcast. You've helped *me* realize how these kids can be so judgemental....I am sure it will help my daughter see as well. I just want to protect her sooo bad, but, I gotta let her deal with this on her own. Sometimes, when parents get involved at school, it just makes things worse. When I grew up, I didn't have any support from my family. If I would have, I think it would have made things less painfull. My daughter will know that I am behind her.

[touchtherapy]

Read "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons.

 

"There is a hidden culture of girls' aggression in which bullying is epidemic, distincive, and destructive. It is not marked by the direct physical or verbal behaviour that is primarily the province of boys. Our culture refuses girls access to open conflict, and it forces their aggression into nonphysical, indirect, and covert forms. Girls use backbiting, exclusion, rumors, name-calling, and manipulation to inflict psychological pain on targeted victims. Unlike boys, who tend to bully aquaintances or strangers, girls frequently attack within tightly knit networks of friends, making aggression harder to identify and intensifying the damage to the victims."

 

It also goes on to say "In this world, friendship is a weapon..."

 

It's a very good, and healing, read.

[luvtoto]

Read "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons

 

It says: "There is a hidden culture of girls' aggression in which bullying is epidemic, distinctive, and destructive. It is not marked by the direct physical and verbal behaviour that is primarily the province of boys. Our culture refuses girls access to open conflict, and it forces their aggression into nonphysical, indirect, and covert forms. Girls use backbiting, exclusion, rumors, name-calling, and manipulation to inflict psychological pain on targeted victims. Unlike boys, who tend to bully acquaintances or strangers, girls frequently attack within tightly knit networks of friends, making aggression harder to identify and intensifying the damage to victims."

 

It goes on to say: "In this world, friendship is a weapon..."

 

It's a really good, and healing, read.

 

I will deffinately get this book. In just that one paragraph, it is my daughter's situation to a 'T'. The thing is is that my daughter is not scared of these girls. My daughter is tiny but she is tough. Her dad taught her to throw a punch at age five. They are scared of her and won't say things to her face...just behind her back. The boys are even scared of her. She gave a boy a bloody nose last year for picking on her on the bus. I didn't blame her. It was after a month of harassment.

 

The part where you wrote, friendship is a weapon is soo true. She has come home on many occassions stating that there was another party that she was not invited to. The girls spend the whole day talking about how great the party was, right in front of her. This is the exclusion technique you were referring to. This hurts her beyond words. This type of bullying is so passive. Sometimes, I wish it was more physical bullying going on...then my daughter would have a chance at least then.

 

Does the book give suggestions on how to handle these kinds of situations? I just have no idea how to help her, besides telling her to keep her chin up and don't let them bother her. It just doesn't seem like enough help from me.

[Becoming]

What I learned in my situation with friendship used as a weapon was who my true friends were. I made friends with others who became real friends who stuck by me no matter what. And I learned a lot about true friendship.

 

And BTW, if it helps, my dr. told me that bi-polar folks are usually very bright. That's been my experience in working with folks with this disease.

[luvtoto]

What I learned in my situation with friendship used as a weapon was who my true friends were. I made friends with others who became real friends who stuck by me no matter what. And I learned a lot about true friendship.

 

And BTW, if it helps, my dr. told me that bi-polar folks are usually very bright. That's been my experience in working with folks with this disease.

 

You are right, becoming. All she really needs is a couple good trustworthy friends. Screw popularity!

 

Last year she used to be an A-B student didn't even crack a book. This year...A,B,C,D,& F's! Her first F popped up right after her episode. She can't ruin her life just cause of a few jerks! I need to make this point with her. At this point in her life, her focus is with boys and friends. Hopefully, she will figure out that her grades are very important.

 

Thanks everyone again for all your advice!

[kitten chick]

Little girls are just mean to each other. I guess I used to run with the "in" crowd when I was younger and there was so much B.S. that went on. As a previous poster mentioned "Girls use backbiting, exclusion, rumors, name-calling, and manipulation to inflict psychological pain on targeted victims." This is what girls do. I remember 6th - 9th grades being tumultuous with friends all fighting with each other, excluding, and rumors flying about. It probably has a lot to do with my having social anxieties. Please remind your little one that it all changes when you get older, everyone grows up, and life won't be like this forever. I went through the catty friends phase and now I have the greatest friends in the world. They would be there for me anytime anywhere. Things will get better.

[touchtherapy]

I'm not through the whole book yet, so I don't know if it gives any suggestions at the end. But the common theme throughout the book is that these girls will eventually get tired of your daughter, as long as she allows them to, and move on to someone else. The trick is: how is she going to 'allow' them to forget about her?

 

I think you have a great suggestion about finding a few good friends, which is hard at that age, but still do-able. The next thing is that she can get involved in some clubs, where members have to participate with her in that context. The other is to make sure that she has a solid friendship base outside of school, so that way, she has parties to talk about, and sleepovers to talk about.

 

As soon as they see that she's not so 'desperate' to be their friend, or even be in the same vicinity, they will move on. Sometimes, they will start to think that she's cool, because she has the strength and will power to ignore them.

 

It's weird how all of this works, but I think that we've all gone through it at some point. The great thing is that she has a wonderfully supportive mother who listens. Start from there.

 

I have a personality disorder as well, and as I get older, I'm starting to realize that it's not a disorder or a disability, because so many people have them, but are undiagnosed. I think it's society's pressure on the individual that causes us to cope in non-traditional ways. Some schools are thinking of switching their hours to accommodate the body-clock of students, and not put added stress on them to get up early. My workplace, which is a university where I also go to school, is trying to be accommodating, and they make sure to give us extra sick and vacation days. You can call in mentally sick, rather than only physically sick, and we work 7 hours rather than the standard 8.

 

Hopefully things will change, but until then, keep supporting your daughter and remind her that many of the kids that make fun of her are misinformed, and will probably experience some form of a personality disorder or depression some time in their life. It's just getting over this hurdle of school that's most important now, and then things will start to get better.

 

Good luck.

[Sassy]

I don't understand why kids have to be so cruel to each other. This type of behavior will cause problems with their selfesteem if being bullied all the time. I think people that do this type of thing are just plain mean. Bullies do this to others because they are insecure with themselves and by being mean and making fun of others makes them feel good. Sorry to hear this is happening to your daughter . Just explain to her that there are alot of people like this in the world and you just have to over look them . If you ignore them they will eventually leave you alone. Have you went to the school and told them what is going on?

[luvtoto]

I'm not through the whole book yet, so I don't know if it gives any suggestions at the end. But the common theme throughout the book is that these girls will eventually get tired of your daughter, as long as she allows them to, and move on to someone else. The trick is: how is she going to 'allow' them to forget about her?

 

I think you have a great suggestion about finding a few good friends, which is hard at that age, but still do-able. The next thing is that she can get involved in some clubs, where members have to participate with her in that context. The other is to make sure that she has a solid friendship base outside of school, so that way, she has parties to talk about, and sleepovers to talk about.

 

As soon as they see that she's not so 'desperate' to be their friend, or even be in the same vicinity, they will move on. Sometimes, they will start to think that she's cool, because she has the strength and will power to ignore them.

 

It's weird how all of this works, but I think that we've all gone through it at some point. The great thing is that she has a wonderfully supportive mother who listens. Start from there.

 

I have a personality disorder as well, and as I get older, I'm starting to realize that it's not a disorder or a disability, because so many people have them, but are undiagnosed. I think it's society's pressure on the individual that causes us to cope in non-traditional ways. Some schools are thinking of switching their hours to accommodate the body-clock of students, and not put added stress on them to get up early. My workplace, which is a university where I also go to school, is trying to be accommodating, and they make sure to give us extra sick and vacation days. You can call in mentally sick, rather than only physically sick, and we work 7 hours rather than the standard 8.

 

Hopefully things will change, but until then, keep supporting your daughter and remind her that many of the kids that make fun of her are misinformed, and will probably experience some form of a personality disorder or depression some time in their life. It's just getting over this hurdle of school that's most important now, and then things will start to get better.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks Touchtherapy. Very helpful point of view. Very interesting.

 

She doesn't have any problem finding friends to do stuff with that aren't in her school. She has friends in about every town surrounding our town. We've moved around alot. Now that we decide to settle down, it would have to be a school like this. It's sad, but, you are right, it all works out...eventually.