insomnie Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 Firstly, I am the older sister, but from what I see going on my mom is having tremendous difficulty being a parent in this situation and I don't know how to help her. The issue: My brother just turned 16. About half a year ago, he started experimenting with marijuana and alcohol. He's decided that he really, really likes to smoke pot, and has been doing so every day, sometimes several times a day, for about 3 months. He used to try very hard not to be found out by my mom, who is kind of a single parent (not divorced, but dad lives and works in another state and does not like to get involved with parental stuff), but she's caught him several times and his last response (about a month and a half ago) was that he saw nothing wrong with marijuana as it is safe (won't argue this one) and makes him happy. He told her he wasn't going to stop, and that she should do her research on it and maybe smoke a couple of joints before trying to change his opinion. He even gave her a copy of an essay he wrote for school - and made an A on- on the topic of decriminalization. We (the kids) mean the world to my immigrant stay-at-home mom, but beyond trying to guilt-trip him into stopping by crying really hard, she can't see to be able to deal with this. The last time I spoke with her, she said that she was tired and that he'll probably grow out of this. I think so too (he is very intelligent, a great student, etc), but in my opinion, that isn't really the issue. The issue is power and control. It is her house and it disgusts me how little control she has. I think it's a little late for her to change his mind about weed, but in my opinion her just sitting back and letting him do whatever he wants is wrong. On the other hand, what is she supposed to do? What can she do to regain authority?
Moose Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 What can she do to regain authority?Well, I don't know wher you live, but until your brother is 18, she doesn't have to, and shouldn't put up with it in her house. Period. When he turns 18, and he brings it into her house, she'll need to kick him out. Simple as that.
lindya Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 The last time I spoke with her, she said that she was tired and that he'll probably grow out of this. I think so too (he is very intelligent, a great student, etc), but in my opinion, that isn't really the issue. The issue is power and control. It is her house and it disgusts me how little control she has. I think it's a little late for her to change his mind about weed, but in my opinion her just sitting back and letting him do whatever he wants is wrong. On the other hand, what is she supposed to do? What can she do to regain authority? Tell him that she looks forward to reading his essay as to why certain drugs should be decriminalised. He's a good thinker, and his arguments are sure to make interesting reading. If he persists in bringing illegal substances into the house then she'll dispose of them on the first occasion he does it, and she'll inform the police on the second occasion. A kind of "I'll respect your brain, and in return you'll respect the rules of this house" deal.
Author insomnie Posted March 8, 2006 Author Posted March 8, 2006 You are both right, it is her house and she should set rules that he needs to respect.... She HAS told him that next time she catches him she'll go to the police, but she's cught him several times after that and suspected many times more and nothing's happened. Everyone knows she isn't going to follow through because she doens't want to get him in trouble and maybe, more disturbingly, doens't want anyone to think her kids are anything short of perfect. (Same reason she won't go to his counselor at school, like I suggested. I explained that those people were there to help but she doens't believe in involving anyone else...) I've been thinking about it and I guess there is little *I*, as the sister, can do for this situation. My mom seems intimidated by my brother and I really can't see her in any kind of acting power role in their relationship... and until she or my dad decide they want to be parents in this sense...nothing will happen. She can't even punish him properly. She's threatened to take his computer away in the past for things he's done wrong but he's yelled so hard at her that she went back on that after just a few hours... Thanks you all for your comments. It is just so frustrating to see her being walked all over and accepting it...and sad to see my brother frying his brain. It must be so hard to be a parent....
Citizen Erased Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 So many parents make the mistake of threatening the kids with such things as 'I'll take your ... away' or 'I'll call the police' but when it comes down to it, thats all they are, threats, and kids can see this. Your brother knows your mother won't do any of these things which is why he thinks he can rule the house, when he is only 16 years old and the idea is ridiculous. She needs to be just as stubborn as him, and this is where you come in. Talk to her first, make her respect your opinions and realise you are able to help, and then you can be her support if she decides to cave in. Instead of taking his computer away, have set rules for when he is allowed to use it, and what for (I would suggest placing it in another room!) and such things as that so he can learn that there will be rules and he will obey them. Your mother needs to stick to her guns, and if he doesnt realise the effects on his mind, body and others then he will have to be taught. Does he realise that mental disorders can be caused by drug use?Did he mention that in his supposed great essay? I bet not. Try to support your mum in this as much as possible but I dont think this will last very long if your mother imposes some rules for the boy. Good Luck!
touchtherapy Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Sorry to say it, but this kid needs a dad. I'm very much for the opposite, in most cases, as I believe that children should be raised in a community, and not just a two parent home, because having a father doesn't mean anything if it's not useful. But he needs a dad. Why? Because he's figured out that in this society, men have power over women, and since he sees his mom caving in on a lot of issues, his social position has been reinforced, which is that he's a man (almost) and he has the power to do what he wants. If your mom was strong enough to be the kind of parent that he needs, he would see that he has no power in a house that's not his own. But seeing as she can't, that's when he needs a dad to balance the scales, or at least someone that he respects to show him how to behave. He needs attention. And a person to debunk all of the messages sent by the media that men have power over women. This is not the only single-parent household that has these types of problems, and they have community groups to help out. I think that's how the big brother program started... This society is filled with power struggles. It's whether or not she's going to win.
Safaria Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 Does your mom work full-time and is she unable to supervise him after school? If I caught my son smoking pot I'd take away all priveledges and march him down to jail to show him how he'll end up! I'm not afraid to reinforce discipline. Drugs will never be tolerated in my house - ever. I can't control what might happen when he's at a friends house but you can be damn sure I'm going to lay down the law in my own home! I've had to really demand respect from my son and teach him to respect authority, teachers and me his own mother - otherwise he tries to take advantage and push the limits (typical teenager). It takes alot of work parenting a teenager - and if any parent is trying to be their teens best friend - they're doing it wrong! It takes hard work and alot of effort to monitor and parent teenage boys - a single mom must crack the whip and lay down the law. It's whether your mom wants to work hard at this or just give up and let him do what he wants. All I know is I'm having to work my @ss off at this. The teenage years are TOUGH. I now know why some mother animals eat their young.
penkitten Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 my mother is a nurse at a teenage drug rehab. google some and see what is offered in your area. perhaps she should just go to his school and check him out and drive him straight there. there will be a urine test and if they find it in his system, and they will, he can probally he admitted. depending on your insurance on if they will take him or not and how much it will cost or how long he will have to stay. mom should check into it. he may not change and may go right back to it once he is out, but at least she put her foot down and said what will and will not happen in her home and what the concequences are and that she wants him to have help.
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