will_d Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 Well i said last week that i would head out to my local nightclub on sat... knowing that my ex was more than likely going to be there. It was something i needed to do after 4 weeks of NC and 5 weeks since we split up, i felt strong enough and also knew that i couldn’t let her control where i could go. I had lost my self-respect and pride, anyone who has read my previous threads will know why. People say that things are worse when your drunk, and in many cases i would agree. However on sat i was slightly tipsy and it helped to be honest when i saw it... her standing with her new man, which i knew she had started seeing 2 weeks maximum after she said she 'wanted to be friends' with me. She was dancing with him, cuddling and kissing him, something she said that she wouldn't do with me because kissing would make her friends uncomfortable in public... another lie. Just looking outside of the box i began to notice things more clearly. Her friends, apart from one or two girls, were all lads, she had said in the beginning that this was because guys argued less... however i realised that it was because she wanted the attention, liked the thrill of being chatted up by these 'friends' and the image of having so many lads after her to people on the outside. A supply of other guys when a relationship went wrong. Well the night went on... her noticing me several times, staring at me to a certain extent and I’m sure commenting to her friends about me at one point, nothing nice im sure. I didn’t try to talk with her, make eye contact or anything... i guess i just needed, as stupid and unrealistic as it sounds, for her to see me being happy and out again... not scared. If she looked at me and felt even a hint of guilt or that she still wanted me all the better even though it is unlikely. I couldn't help but feel sorry for her i guess, she traded one love for another, like she had done with me and her ex before me, being no better for it. She still had all the problems under the façade of being very confident. I still left that night feeling a bit upset, thinking that i could be replaced so easily, but seeing her made me realise that i loved what i thought she represented not what she was. Her stringing me a long with "i don’t know what i want..." just about summed her up, a manipulator who deep down was scared of the support and everything i offered her. Part of me would still like to believe that everything went bad because she wanted to prove that in some twisted way that she didn’t deserve me? Who knows... i still think of her a hell of a lot but the feeling of pushing myself to confront what i had been scared of has helped with my pride i think.
CaliGuy Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 "I don't know what I want...." *shudder* My ex used that line on me several times. If I ever come across another woman who uses it in a relationship with me I will drop kick her from here to Boston. Yes, she knows what she wants. It just isn't you or I.
Becoming Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 Good for you, will, for moving on and seeing things for real. Now you're ready to go find the one who does know what she wants and that what she wants is you. I celebrate this progress in your recovery! :bunny:
bendit Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 when you hear "i don't know what I want" they actually do. and what they want is NO COMMITMENT...when we face off with someone who has commitment issues turn the mirror towards yourself. realize if you are attracted to her then you Also have your own commitment issues. also beware of the woman who claims she can only be freinds with men. they are "eaiser" she will say. run like hell from a woman like this. she is what is known in the trenches as an Attention W**RE. And if you entangle yourself with one, you will regret the day you were put on this planet. regards
hurtbeyondwords Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 will_d awesome to hear! You faced your fear and came out relatively unscathed. Im still dreading the day I run into my ex, I know it will happen some day. Do you think you can do i again feeling better that you did this time? I've been sick for the past couple days and during my fever episodes I've had vivid dreams of her and damn does that ever suck. I kinda hope that I run into her soon so I can get this over with. Again, Im happy to hear how well you did. That gives me strength for when my time comes.
Author will_d Posted March 7, 2006 Author Posted March 7, 2006 Hey hurtbeyondwords, i don't think that it would feel any different if i saw her again, it will still feel the same as sat. It would still hurt, but i guess for me the main thing was to show that i was ready to face her if i had to. For some people it is better to leave it for as long as possible, so it doesnt hurt as much. For me it was about pride more than anything...we each have our reasons. One thing i will say is think about how it will affect u before it happens, my heart skipped but i expected it and took comfort from the fact that i knew it would happen. Know what u will do depending on the situation, if she tries to talk for example. Its a case of damage limitation by knowing that it will affect u... by knowing this the shock is removed and u can face it objectively. Dont be in a rush to face something u haven't considered the full effects of. I to am ill at the moment and am worried of having vivid dreams about her, but also realise it is in your mind and gain strength from the fact that its part of recovery... definitely try to think of other stuff before u go to sleep and think 'what the hell if i dream'...the more scared u r the worse it can be maybe. Also take some happiness and strength from the fact that i decided to go through with it, without a backwards look, after u... yes u, reminding me that u and the other great people like Caliguy are here if it went wrong. Strength can come from the words and thoughts of others as much as from ourselves... we are not alone in feeling like we do.
pistol Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 I completely agree my ex always had male friends and one female friend and she always said that it was because men are alot more straightforward and less bitchy. Definately an attention thing, I think that they are often like this because they are the unpredictable and bitchy ones, and other woman get irritated by their need for attention. Fair play Will on acting as if you didn't care I think thats definately the way to handle it, its certainly my intention when I bump into ex, although I know it must be hard to do.
justagirliegirl Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 I have heard the "I dont knowwhat I want" before in previous relationships. I wonder what would be some good responses to that. Here are a few of mine "You don't? Well I do so how about not contacting me until you figure it out." 'Well I need someone who knows what they want." anyone feel free to add on
qnmc Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 I agree with you JGG, I think you're saying that we need to pay better attention to certain catch-phrases like this. If any of us were to see a friend's SO say this to them, odds are our warning bells would go off immediately. But when we're in the situation it's amazing how we can rationalize it away even though our gut is saying "WTF was that???" One of the lessons I hope I will learn coming out of my last relationship is to listen to my gut before I listen to my heart. Our gut pays attention to the actions of our SO, our heart pays more attention to their words. It is only actions that count. I'm not saying that you have to act right away on what your gut tells you, rather I need to pay more attention to it and see if anything reinforces what my gut is telling me.
CaliGuy Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 I have heard the "I dont knowwhat I want" before in previous relationships. I wonder what would be some good responses to that. Here are a few of mine "You don't? Well I do so how about not contacting me until you figure it out." 'Well I need someone who knows what they want." anyone feel free to add on "You do know what you want, and it isn't me. Take care."
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