IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 Ok, I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. BUT, We don't fight. When I say we don't fight...We have never raised our voices ONCE. We probably got into 1 disagreement and that was it. It was over in 5 minutes. Nothing I do bothers him. I lost his car keys...he didn't care. A little angry but nothign huge. I got into a little fender bender with him car, he was like "its ok all we need is a hood....200 bucks..no big deal" Can someone really be this laid back. I'm pretty laid back but I get bothered by things. And i kinda catch myself taking advatage of this. I can pretty much do whatever I want, burn down the kitchen, break the computer...and I get nothing. No raising of the voice, no throwing or hitting things. I hope the time will come where we do get into a fight ( I can't believe i want this). I know he loves me more than anything, so its not an issue of him not caring about me. I know he does very very much. Maybe we just communicate so well that we talk things out, rationalize and that's that. Is this a probelm or should I count my blessing?
blind_otter Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 IME, in relationships there are two basic ways of dealing with s***, like with work and the two basic types of bosses/supervisors. One will tell you all the time what you're doing wrong, sometimes to an excessive amount. Which is the kind of relationship/boss I like. I need updates and progress reports and constructive criticism, as well as praise when I do better on things I'm working on. The other one won't say anything but if it gets too hairy they will decide on their own to break up/terminate you and no discussion will help. Maybe you guys do get along well, but from what you've said -- like the fact that you catch yourself taking advantage of his easygoing nature -- this isn't necessarily a good thing. for you. Unless you can enjoy it without taking advantage of it.
Yamaha Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 I don't think it's normal for two people living together to never argue over matters that affect you both. You both have different personalities and needs and one of you ( him ) is just not voicing his. Do you tell him when things upset you or do you keep it inside, like he does?
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted March 7, 2006 Author Posted March 7, 2006 I don't think it's normal for two people living together to never argue over matters that affect you both. You both have different personalities and needs and one of you ( him ) is just not voicing his. Do you tell him when things upset you or do you keep it inside, like he does? See, He doesn't keep in inside. He will let me know if something bothers him, but there's no yelling or name calling of any kind. He approaches it very maturely and we dicuss it. Compremise and its over.
rude dude Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 Would it be better if there was drama all the time? Where Everything an issue and you are un-easy about everything. it's just not cool to take advantage of his personality. Don't try to piss him off either. But if does not coomuicate his feeling or somthing like that, I'm sure that you can talk to him about that.
Becoming Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 It sounds to me like an ideal way to deal with conflict, like he's got his priorities straight--i.e. you're more important than a car. Unless ... and this is a big unless . . . he's storing it all up to dump on you when he blows at some future date. Is that what you fear, which is why you're uncomfortable with the current way conflict is managed? Why are you uncomfortable with this?
a4a Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 See, He doesn't keep in inside. He will let me know if something bothers him, but there's no yelling or name calling of any kind. He approaches it very maturely and we dicuss it. Compremise and its over. Welcome to my world.... in three years we have never had a screaming match...... the occassional "damn or shyt why did you do that!" (like when I crushed his hand between boards the other week or when he smashed my hay ring). Some people just have learned to discuss the issue instead of fighting or name calling..... although I have called my H a bitch or other names but in a nice way You get upset but realize it will pass.
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted March 7, 2006 Author Posted March 7, 2006 I don't think you guys get it. It's not that he gets mad and holds it in. He doesn't get mad at all. He'll get disappointed and calmy talk to me about it. But I have done some pretty stupid s***, and I get a "just don't do it again" But he says it so nicely.
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted March 7, 2006 Author Posted March 7, 2006 Whyare you uncomfortable with this? I'm not really uncomfortable but many people say that if you don't fight, your not in a healthy relationship.
a4a Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 I don't think you guys get it. It's not that he gets mad and holds it in. He doesn't get mad at all. He'll get disappointed and calmy talk to me about it. But I have done some pretty stupid s***, and I get a "just don't do it again" But he says it so nicely. Well just ask him. Does he show other feelings like excitement (above the belt)? Poke him repeatedly with a stick when he falls alseep tonight see if that works to get him started
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted March 7, 2006 Author Posted March 7, 2006 Well just ask him. Does he show other feelings like excitement (above the belt)? Poke him repeatedly with a stick when he falls alseep tonight see if that works to get him started If i were to poke him with a stick while were sleeping, He would grab the closest object and do the same thing to me! And yes he shows many feeling. Excitement, his undying love for me, compassion. But really only towards me. If i were to fall and break a nail..he would feel sorry and give me the money right there to go get it fixed. If that happened to his mother or sister, he would point and laugh. (In a loving way)
bluechocolate Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 I don't think you guys get it. It's not that he gets mad and holds it in. He doesn't get mad at all. He'll get disappointed and calmy talk to me about it. But I have done some pretty stupid s***, and I get a "just don't do it again" But he says it so nicely. Would it make you feel better if he yelled & screamed at you & called you a stupid bitch? And if so, why? This is the way he deals with s*** & it seems pretty smart to me. It's pretty much what I do in my life now. If I thought someone was taking advantage of that & just trying to push my buttons I'd be out the door quick smart.
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted March 7, 2006 Author Posted March 7, 2006 OK... I'm not asking for him to scream at me and yell at me. I'm asking if its healthy not to fight. I'm asking if his approach is the right one and I'm just looking way to far into this.
Curmudgeon Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 That's as it should be -- conversations instead of confrontations. My wife and I have been that way for almost 10 years and neither of us sweat the small stuff (or pet the sweaty stuff).
Yamaha Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 If i were to fall and break a nail..he would feel sorry and give me the money right there to go get it fixed. If that happened to his mother or sister, he would point and laugh. (In a loving way) I think he has a bit of hero worship with you. In his eyes you can do no wrong. This could put a big burden on you if you ever disappoint him.
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted March 7, 2006 Author Posted March 7, 2006 I think he has a bit of hero worship with you. In his eyes you can do no wrong. This could put a big burden on you if you ever disappoint him. Thats exactly it, I can do no wrong in his eyes. I guess that's a good thing?
blind_otter Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 OK... I'm not asking for him to scream at me and yell at me. I'm asking if its healthy not to fight. I'm asking if his approach is the right one and I'm just looking way to far into this. Maybe you're like me, and when you feel passionately about anyone you feel passionate in all ways. The only people who can't get a rise out of me are people I don't care about that much. So it's hard for me to understand someone not being able to make you angry, at least a little bit.
Curmudgeon Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 You sound like you want him to get angry. Do you need the drama and stimulation of a good fight? Some of us just don't get wrapped around the axle by minutia. There was a time I did have a quick temper but over the years I've found anger to be merely a reaction to fear and a total waste of emotional energy better spent on more pleasant pursuits.
blind_otter Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 You sound like you want him to get angry. Do you need the drama and stimulation of a good fight? Some of us just don't get wrapped around the axle by minutia. There was a time I did have a quick temper but over the years I've found anger to be merely a reaction to fear and a total waste of emotional energy better spent on more pleasant pursuits. Well great, good for you. My Dad is 76 and like that. He wasn't when he was 26, though, and that's the issue. You speak from years of experience and the mellowing effect of the passage of time. That is not applicable in every situation.
Curmudgeon Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 You speak from years of experience and the mellowing effect of the passage of time. That is not applicable in every situation. More than time, I think it took getting a toxic influence out of my life. That was the ex, Ms. BIG Trouble and HIGH Drama. Once that negativity was gone I revelled in peace and quiet, solitude and calm. I was only 48 when that occurred. Wish I hadn't waited so long!
blind_otter Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 More than time, I think it took getting a toxic influence out of my life. That was the ex, Ms. BIG Trouble and HIGH Drama. Once that negativity was gone I revelled in peace and quiet, solitude and calm. I was only 48 when that occurred. Wish I hadn't waited so long! According to my Dad, who is fabulous, men shouldn't settle down before 35-40 yrs. He has two failed marriages in his past, but he never mentions the women or blames them at all. He simply says that youth is wasted on the young, and that everyone makes stupid mistakes in the folly of youth. According to him, the women may well have been crazy, but he wasn't any less so. I guess he takes the 50/50 way, I suppose it's less energy.
Curmudgeon Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 I agree with your father. I married the ex when I was 23 and although the marriage lasted 25 years, it shouldn't have. There's a world of difference between that young, ignorant, hormonal marriage and my current knowing, mature and far more intimate and satisfying marriage. I share plenty of blame for the last one and its ultimate and necessary demise. Ah, youth! Decidedly wasted on the young. It must be God's grandest joke on mankind.
blind_otter Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 I agree with your father. I married the ex when I was 23 and although the marriage lasted 25 years, it shouldn't have. There's a world of difference between that young, ignorant, hormonal marriage and my current knowing, mature and far more intimate and satisfying marriage. I share plenty of blame for the last one and its ultimate and necessary demise. Ah, youth! Decidedly wasted on the young. It must be God's grandest joke on mankind. Can I get a witness??
Curmudgeon Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 Can I get a witness?? I'll swear to it and sign it in blood!
Becoming Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 Amen! and preach on! I think it's perfectly wonderful to handle conflict this way. Enjoy! Quit living your life by what you wonder "should be" according to everyone else and ask if it feels good to you. If so, fabulous! If not, why not? And what do you want to do about it?
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