silverbeamer Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 I've been dating my bf for a little more then 6 months and we have yet to have any problems or arguments. I haven't had a lot of serious relationships in my life and this one seems so perfect. I'm crazy about him. We are complete opposites (he's a total tatooed biker bad boy and I'm the corporate business woman) but have found everything that we were looking for in each other. The thing is... I want to move in with him. I've never lived with a bf before so all of this is totally new to me. He's going to be buying a house in the next couple months for him and his daughter (who he only has part time) and I want to move in with him. The timing would be perfect too because my lease will be up and I don't want to sign on for another year at a new place. My question for you all... how do I bring it up to him without putting myself out there for rejection? When we were looking yesterday he said that I could be his decorator but I didn't take that as an invite to 'shack up' permenently. I thought that his daughter might be holding him back but her and I get along so well that is not an issue. What do I do?
tikigods Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 Anytime you ask someone for anything you put yourself up for rejection, so if you are worried about that wait for him to come to you for it. Now a good way that you can approach this is "I think that we have hit a point in our relationship to bring it the next step...how about we try living together?" He will either say Yes (yay) or no. If he says no find out the reasons why he wants to put it off right now, and find out if in the future moving in would be something that the two of you would be doing.
blind_otter Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 I wouldn't want to live with someone I hadn't had a fight with yet. You never know how people react to the socially appropriate expressions of aggression that arguments truely are. In any event, just discuss the possibility with him, open-ended, not with specific ideas about a date, time, etc. That would be pushy, IMO. I had a lover do that once and I purposefully never let him live with me after that because I was afraid if he tried to railroad me into living with him that he would also not be respectful about my wishes in other areas.
Author silverbeamer Posted March 6, 2006 Author Posted March 6, 2006 So, you're saying that NOT having any fights or arguments is a bad thing? I'm gonna have to disagree a little here... I think that we're stronger because of it.
blind_otter Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 No, I made no mention of whether your relationship is strong or weak. I just wouldn't want to live with someone I hadn't fought with yet. I mean, my sisters and I are as close as can be, but we fought when we lived together. You can't NOT fight, living with someone. No one knows exactly how you like your dishes done, or yard work, or laundry, or whatever. Course I've lived with oodles of men, so there ya go. Both roommates and lovers, I like living with people.
PlentyLV007 Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 I was with my ex for 5 years:love: ....didn't know that one day I would want to live w/ him. So I put it out there, slowly but surely I told him to start spending the night...and one night became 2-3 nights. It was great, I loved having him around. Then...a year past...I told him that in the next 6 months to a year I would want us to live toghether. He said that there was a couple of things that needed to change. Him saying...there were things in me that I needed to change. Like me learning how to cook, saving money, finding a better job that pays more to support the things that we both wanted. I agreed. I started with the job search and found it...then problems started. We were arguing a lot and a lot of other signs came in but that's cause our relationship was falling apart right before our eyes and we didn't even see it coming really. I think when it comes to big changes such as moving in you should start slow...like adjusting to being around each other more than 24 hours. See how it works out....Or just throw it out there to him and c how he would react to it..... Good Luck!
Author silverbeamer Posted March 7, 2006 Author Posted March 7, 2006 Maybe I should have added that in the past 3 months or so I haven't spent more then 10 nights at my own place. I am practically living with him. I have my stuff at his house like a robe and shower stuff and a couple changes of clothes. He doesn't like it if I do not stay with him.
tikigods Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 still having your stuff over there, and moving in are two different things as I am sure you know. Right now you both still have a comfort zone in which you can go to when you need a "break" so to speak, living together means that you never have a place to go that is your own anymore.
catgirl1927 Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 Living together is a big step, because like everyone says, you have no where to go. When intelligent adults spend a lot of time together, they work each others nerves. It is what it is and is TOTALLY normal. You're WAY in the honeymoon stage of your relationship and it sounds SO fun. If you're already practically living with him, while *I* think it's a little soon, you should probably talk to him about it. I think that even if he isn't ready for that step, it won't mean that he's not into you, just that he's not ready yet...
blind_otter Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 Maybe I should have added that in the past 3 months or so I haven't spent more then 10 nights at my own place. I am practically living with him. I have my stuff at his house like a robe and shower stuff and a couple changes of clothes. He doesn't like it if I do not stay with him. Dude, what is the problem with talking about the issue without asking him if you can move in? That way you get a date that you both can feel comfortable with.
EnigmaXOXO Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 He's going to be buying a house in the next couple months for him and his daughter (who he only has part time) and I want to move in with him. The timing would be perfect too because my lease will be up and I don't want to sign on for another year at a new place. Check your motives. Would the timing honestly be as convenient for him as it seems to be for you? I think when your boyfriend feels the timing is right for him, he'll be the one to offer sharing his new house with you first. Since you're only six months in, I think to come out and ask (or even hint) at the idea of taking advantage of the situation might come off as seeming opportunistic and/or tacky, at best. I'd probably feel differently if it were your new house, and you wanted to invite him and his daughter to share it with you. If it were me, I'd go ahead and renew my lease for one more year and continue to allow things to progress naturally without putting any added pressure on him. After all, it wouldn't really be that much of a sacrifice since I'd paying rent regardless if the boyfriend were moving to a bigger place or not. I think you'll stand a better chance of eventually getting "invited" to share their home if you exercise a little more consideration and patience by allowing him and his daughter the space they need to adjust to their new environment and get their lives resituated. It will also give the two of the appropriate time you need to determine if you truly have what it takes to go the distance.
Walk Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 I completely agree with Enigma. Maybe I'm off base, but I think it's pretty forward and assuming to invite yourself to live somewhere. That's how I would interprete someone asking if they could move in with me after I bought a house. I think you'd do better to re-sign the lease. Most places have a clause for early termination. Usually an additional months rent. You could check your lease, see what it says. You could get a better feel for where he's at mentally if you ask him some questions. Questions on how he feels about his new house and how he's adjusting. Where is his mind-set at right now? Is he focused on making sure his daughter settles in alright, is he worried about repair problems, is he stressed out by the situation, or taking it all in stride.. Maybe some questions on how he views his immediate future and further down the road. But I really wouldn't ask to move in. or imply, or hint. And if it bothers you that much, you could explain your feelings to him, ask how he feels about the situation, and then go from there. But don't guilt him, or make him feel like he is dening you something if he says no... that'll just back fire on you later.
Author silverbeamer Posted March 8, 2006 Author Posted March 8, 2006 THanks for all the great advice. I guess I may have thought about taking advantage of the timing of things and just let my mind runaway on me and think this would be the best thing for both of us. Another thing that I guess was pushing my desire to move in with him is the fact that I have been approached to possibly relocate (again) with my current company. Whether I take the new position and new state will slightly depend on where I am with my bf. I guess I wanted to try the living together thing to know if he really was the one for me. If I find I want to be with him then I wouldn't take the relocation and could stop all discussions now. I'm afraid that because I don't know exactly how we would be together I'll be more willing to take the job and the transfer and in the future always wonder what could have been. I agree that asking to move in may be a little tacky but it's kind of now or never. If we live together and it doesn't work... CA here I come.
theedge Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 I guess because of whats happening to me I don't condone it. I met my girlfriend and honestly it was like heaven! We never fought, we were loving, both very patient. She lived with her parents and after 3 months started saying she wanted to move in. I was against it as I was worried if things didn't work out she would have to move back home. Well she did what another poster did, came to spend the weekend with me and never left. Things went bad relatively quick. Right after moving in she hated my apartment and decided immediatly we had to move. My place was small to begin with. Then the intamacy checked out from her, then she lost her patience, started disliking my friends, and then the nagging. I have dealt with it for a year now and in the last few months gradually I have started to check out emotionally and debating the break. So I would strongly urge you to take your time. 6 months is not enough time to know people's quarks as I have found out. Also in the begining stage of a relationship people put on an act, hell I did it as well. Then when the act starts to ware off you have problems. Thats my advice and you can do with it what you will.
EnigmaXOXO Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 If we live together and it doesn't work... CA here I come. So the job transfer really isn't an issue since it sounds as if its something you can postpone until a later time. (???) If so, that's good!
country gal Posted March 10, 2006 Posted March 10, 2006 Check your motives. Would the timing honestly be as convenient for him as it seems to be for you? I think when your boyfriend feels the timing is right for him, he'll be the one to offer sharing his new house with you first. Since you're only six months in, I think to come out and ask (or even hint) at the idea of taking advantage of the situation might come off as seeming opportunistic and/or tacky, at best. I'd probably feel differently if it were your new house, and you wanted to invite him and his daughter to share it with you. If it were me, I'd go ahead and renew my lease for one more year and continue to allow things to progress naturally without putting any added pressure on him. After all, it wouldn't really be that much of a sacrifice since I'd paying rent regardless if the boyfriend were moving to a bigger place or not. I think you'll stand a better chance of eventually getting "invited" to share their home if you exercise a little more consideration and patience by allowing him and his daughter the space they need to adjust to their new environment and get their lives resituated. It will also give the two of the appropriate time you need to determine if you truly have what it takes to go the distance. I agree completely.... thanks for saving me time on putting my thoughts down!! Be patient friend. Enjoy the journey of developing your relationship without thinking too much about your destination ..... you'll get there when its time to get there... and it doesnt seem like its time for you both - yet. Besides keeping your place will allow you to continue to grow as an independent person which, despite its seeming contradiction, is a crucial thing in a healthy relationship.
Recommended Posts