nveragn Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 I found out about my husbands affair a couple of months ago. Like 95% of affairs, he worked with this woman. I thought that I could live wiith the fact they work together, and he promised to keep it just professional, talk only business. Now, I realize I cant do this. It is tearing me up inside. I cant wonder if and when he sees her, what he thinks feels, when he does see her. No, I cant deal with that. My question is, should I just tell him that he has to quit because I cant take it? Its not like he doesnt have other options for work, so if he really wanted to cut all ties, he could. We would be fine, and he knows that. I have talked to him about it, and he says he understands how I feel, but he also says if he ever needs more work, he could go back to this job. I think he is holding onto his job because she works there, not because of the work. If he does not quit his job, I think I might suggest a seperation. I know if I said that, he would quit, but then hold it against me. What do I do??
Owl Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 Yes, you should tell him that he needs to leave that job if he's going to stay married to you. He shattered the trust you had in him to a million pieces. I know...I've been where you are. So here's the deal. It's up to HIM to rebuild that trust. And it takes time...and work. He's got to do things to PROVE to you that he's trustworthy. He's got to prove to you that he's willing to help you heal from what he's done. Leaving this job so that you no longer worry about him being with OW, so that you no longer have that constant pain is probably the biggest thing he could do at this point to make this happen. I say tell him exactly what you're feeling, and why. And tell him that there is no way you can continue like this, and that he needs to change jobs NOW.
Raven1845 Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 Yes, you should tell him that he needs to leave that job if he's going to stay married to you. He shattered the trust you had in him to a million pieces. I know...I've been where you are. So here's the deal. It's up to HIM to rebuild that trust. And it takes time...and work. He's got to do things to PROVE to you that he's trustworthy. He's got to prove to you that he's willing to help you heal from what he's done. Leaving this job so that you no longer worry about him being with OW, so that you no longer have that constant pain is probably the biggest thing he could do at this point to make this happen. I say tell him exactly what you're feeling, and why. And tell him that there is no way you can continue like this, and that he needs to change jobs NOW. I agree 110% with Owl. Others may tell you that you need to trust your husband, and if there is no trust, there is no relationship. No disrespect to their opinions, but your husband broke your trust. You have every right to ask that he find a job elsewhere. Playing Devil's advocate, though, just because he quits his job with his current company does not guarantee that he will never see the other woman again. (I wanted to say that before someone else did). However . . . it's more unlikely to happen if he's not in the same environment with her every work day. You are his wife. You have every right in the world to want him to find another job. And if he loves you and wants to rebuild your trust, he'll do it. I wish you the best of luck.
Chump64 Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 Yes. My husband was caught cheating with a woman who works in his building. His office is relocating in a few months, and finding a new job would not be a great option for him because of his speciality in a particular IT area. Still, it would have been a requirement for staying together -- except that his office will relocate in a few months, anyway. In situations like yours and mine, where the couple is trying to save the marriage, this is not -- at all -- an unusual request. Good luck.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 I disagree that he should change jobs. You two need to work through this and the reasons why he cheated. If you don't then what is stopping him from finding a new hottie at his new job? I know from experience. I changed jobs when I was feeling attraction to guys I worked with, and going out after work with them, and flirting, and loving the attention. My job changed....but I didn't. And now the marriage is over.
carmaenforcer Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 I agree with the birds, hehehe. I was cheated on as well and I was uncompromising with my requests after the fact. I didn't have to deal with her having to work with the guy, but I did have issue with her going to the same school as him. She got the ultimatum and took it. No contact at all with the person he betrayed you with is your right. How it affects him or his feelings is not important, he should have no say in the matter and should be kissing your butt. A small price to pay for having his fun. Maybe he'll think about things more carefully next time the possibility of having an affair presents it's self.
Owl Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 I actually agree with MWC in part... You ALSO need to work through the rest of the issues in your marriage in order to figure out what led to the affair, and work to repair the damage done to your marriage as well. Get into counseling...marriage at least. Read up on the causes of (and recovery from) affairs, and start taking the appropriate measures needed to fix your marriage. BUT...part of that WILL be to have him change jobs. Go over to marriagebuilders.com and take a look at the info there...that would help. Read "Surviving an Affair", and "His Needs, Her Needs"...good info about affairs, recovery, etc... Also check out "The Five Languages of Love". You'll find that his leaving his job will be critical to YOUR recovery...which is critical to marital recovery as well.
Chump64 Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 You two need to work through this and the reasons why he cheated. I think this goes without saying. I assumed that was part of the OP's plan. My husband carried his affair on for 10 years. For the first five years they were in different buildings. They just ended up in the same building by chance, these last five years.
mopar crazy Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 My H also worked w/ the exOW, he was her supervisor. I never asked him to quit his job. He loved his job. He worked so hard to get where he was and so it was so hard for me to tell him to quit, so I didn't. I told him I hated that he was working w/ the exOW and he understood. He told me she was trying to find another job so I wasn't too worried about it. It did bother me he was going to work and seeing and talking to her on a daily basis but honestly, I didn't let it consume my life, even though it was hard I just couldn't worry about it all the time. In the end the exOW got HIM fired from his job so I didn't have to worry about it anymore. When he called me and told me he was fired I was so upset I started crying so obiviously it must of not bothered me too much he worked w/ the exOW. I was worried about supporting my children (we were seperated) b/c he was unemployeed. I would have to agree that if there is other job opprotunities for him he should find something else. THat would be a big step in prooving he wants to work on the M.
greenshift Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 Yes, he should quit. It's simple: You: "Honey, what's more important - your job, or our marriage?" The answer will work itself out. If he loves you, he'll quit. It may take some time - never quit a job without a new one - but choosing the correct decision should take all of about 500 milliseconds.
RecordProducer Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 I don't think he is staying there because of the other woman, but I would definitely ask him to change the jopb if I were you. It's not ok for him to keep contact even if solely professional to the OW. An end means an end.
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