Walking away Posted March 5, 2006 Posted March 5, 2006 Finally made the final break with my MM this afternoon. I am hurting pretty badly right now....Can anyone just encourage me right now?
curly Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 I know it doesn't seem like much right now, but hold on to that thought. No matter what happens, you broke it off with the MM because it was the right thing to do. Don't think altruistically, you didn't do it for any other reason except that it became too hard and painful to be with him anymore. Whether he leaves or doesn't ever, you had to walk away. There comes a time when you just have to add it all up and realize there is less hope to be with him than to hang on anymore waiting. Waiting has been painful and damaging. I know, I'm going through a break-up from my MM. I have no magic words. It is so painful. I've found it difficult to get out of bed. I've stayed on the couch all weekend. Didn't even leave the house yesterday. Just know that there will be pain. You can not make it go away. Face the pain. Be with your pain. Just know that it will go away eventually. I can't tell you when that will be. I wish I knew when my pain would go too. But you are not alone. Talk to someone, tonight if possible. Try not to be alone right now. I ended it with MM 5 weeks ago. I wasn't alone the next day and then spent a week alone (not even going to work - I was sick, not from MM but a physical issue that I ended up having surgery for 3 weeks later). But having my mom (who knows the situation and him) with me the next day helped. Call a close friend or family member. I know you think you want to crawl under the covers and never come out, but having someone there, a shoulder to cry on, may help get you through this initial stage. You will be in shock & denial for a bit. Then it starts to change. Hate to say this, but for me, it seems to get worse after a few weeks. I broke down and called him and I know now that he will not be with me. He's left his W, but is not mentally prepared to have a relationship with me. It hurts, but I'll get through it. I know you will too. Just don't break NC. Don't do it. Take it from me, you can't handle what he says. Hang in there. Someone is always here at LS. Courage & strength & pure willpower to you. You did the right (& only) thing for yourself. Be your own best friend now.
Author Walking away Posted March 6, 2006 Author Posted March 6, 2006 Thank you curly. Yes, I did it because it was too painful to go on any longer. This has been brewing with me for a while now, but today I just got to the point that I can't deal with the triangle any longer. I can't share, and he can't leave her. I have no close friends to confide in...they do not know about the affair. I have no one to talk to. I know intellectually that I will be okay, but I just don't want to go through the pain. That's why I vascillated for so long about this breakup. I didn't want to walk through the pain that I now must walk through. Thanks....I am sorry you are going through this also. My thoughts are with you...
Author Walking away Posted March 6, 2006 Author Posted March 6, 2006 I have been looking back on my life experiences, and I believe this is so difficult because I am not walking away because I don't care any longer. It would be so much easier if I didn't care for him, or if he didn't care for me. This is so hard, but I am walking away to save myself. This type of breakup, when two people care for each other, is excruciating. There doesn't seem to be closure....
Blind Illusion Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 I can really, truly emphathize with you, Walking Away. Let me say that first. I have this book, "This Affair is Over" by Nanette Miner. It seems like it could be of some help, although it has a "no nonsense flair" to it. That's not "me" . Plus it had tips like "Stop obsessing about HIM." As if merely saying the words can make it be so. I bought it because I thought it will help me one day when I get the strength to do like you did. Sometimes reading books like this help me keep my resolve, though. Two suggestions I did like were : 1) keeping a journal and 2)reestablishing friendships. I keep one online diary(with feedback from people that have become friends that I have met a few times IRL). The reestablishing of friendships, especially with people that didn't know of him, has helped me get to the point where I am at today. I can focus on other activities & aren't as consumed by thoughts of him as I once was. My other 'bright' plan was to try to emotionally distant myself from my MM, little by little so it wouldn't hurt so much when I finally do make that complete break, but you know how that is. You take a step backwards and they move closer to you & you're back where you started. For whatever reason, I still am doing this. I think Curly made a good point about feeling the pain & being with it. That's something I usually shun but I am trying to change that about myself too. Good luck to you. Keep writing and getting your feelings out and I am suyre people can help and identify with you.
Author Walking away Posted March 6, 2006 Author Posted March 6, 2006 One good thing is, I have never placed this man number one in my life. My life was happy and full before I met him, and I kept my life outside of this relationship. I have many good friends, just no one that I can truly confide in. I have children whom I adore, and who adore me in return. I am a very strong, professional woman, so I was able to maintain my own life while involved with him. I tried to emotionally distance myself little by little, but to no avail. Now that the other shoe has dropped, I wonder if I was just kidding myself about that. I just received flowers this afternoon from him. I hurt myself in an accident a few days ago...and now they are a reminder of how we were just a few short hours ago. The tides turned so quickly today. I had no intention of breaking up today....it certainly wasn't a planned thing. But here I am...not doing as bad as I thought I would, but I also am smart enough to know that I am just in shock and denial. After all, we have done this yo yo so many times before. Thanks for writing....you are keeping me strong. Bless you all....I am so grateful for the kind words...
lizad Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 walking away......... are you married as well?? I really feel your pain..... I am married, however had an A for two years. There are so many different emotions you go through....the rollercoaster you go through while having an affair is tremendous...... For me, I went back and forth a ton of times with wanting to be with my OM........not wanting to break up my family and so forth....... It was always my OM that would start me down the road as he has a not so hot marriage (i know, they all say that) and his declarations of wanting a future with me got me swept away....... I tried breaking it off so very many times only to relent to his charms..... even therapy didnt really help me walk away...... as of now, I am actually at the point where I havent seen him or spoken on the phone to him for a little over a week and I really dont want to...... he has e-mailed me and claims he is moving out of his home and moving on.... I have always been skeptical of things that he has said to me.......b/c truthfully we really never know. after our last conversation over a week ago, It kind of just hit me.......and I just said to myself........enough already....it was an absolute strain on my marriage and on me day in and day out....... almost felt like i was in two marriages...... how long have you been in this affair? has he promised you things he cant deliver on.... I really just want you to know you are NOT alone..........if this is what you need to do, stay strong and yes, let yourself feel the pain b/c it's real. in these situations where nobody knows......you end up mourning all alone which really stinks... hang in there and be strong......we all deserve to be number one.
Author Walking away Posted March 6, 2006 Author Posted March 6, 2006 No, I am not married. Divorced with 5 wonderful children. My MM has been very honest with me about his feelings and his inability to leave his marriage for now. We have been together for 6 months. Never in my life had I been treated so well, and I have been treated well by other men, so this isn't something new for me. He adores me and tells me so, and I believe him. I understand the complications of leaving a marriage. He has been married for 20 years with 4 kids. He has so much to lose...I understand that. I have been there. But, I am losing myself. I ache when he is with her, and he aches when he cannot be with me. Tortured love, for sure. Both of us are devastated at the moment. We started out as friends and quickly turned into much more. He has tried to let me go to save me pain and suffering, I have tried to let go to save everyone involved inevitable heartache. It is a conundrum...so much pain and suffering. What does one do?
lizad Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 believe me, I so get it.......I know that aching feeling. when we started this, it was just a playful thing that after two years turned into a hot and heavy love affair. whenever I saw him, it was never long enough.....my body ached for him emotionally and physically....I have never felt the way I do when I kiss this man...... but for me, not sure if at this point it is enough.... I dont think he was lying to me at all, I think part of him wants to believe he can leave his marriage and have a future with me......I try to tell him that our relationship, although the feelings are real is not real.......no noise, no family problems together, no money issues and so forth..... I dont believe the grass is greener either.....I just think you pick your poison, but your situation is different b/c you are available.......and If I was and couldnt leave to be with me, the pain and disappointment would be devastating... does he say that somewhere down the road he would leave...... it is so difficult the whole thing......
Author Walking away Posted March 6, 2006 Author Posted March 6, 2006 Oh yes, he says he will leave, but not right now. He is afraid of hurting his family. afraid of the unknown. He is also afraid of losing me. He is a mess -probably more so than me if that is possible. He found himself in a mess that he has no idea how to get through. How can I ask a man to walk away from the only woman he has been with since high school? His beautiful children? This is a mess!!!!
lizad Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 is this the first time he has strayed from his marriage.......do you know why he is straying and what is going on at home? accidents dont happen, meaning no body "plans" to have a big love affair. when I met my OM...it was on vacation....he was friendly...took my girlfriend and my e-mail address. lives in the next state.... was a little playful thing online until I decided to meet him and that was the beginning of a long two year emotional ride. he even said to me at the beginning that he wasnt looking for anything serious even know I was married and maybe thats why he thought it would be the ideal situation. both on the same page if you will....... our marriages very diff... he has strayed before and even got caught but she didnt throw him out and also never went for counseling....she has been hostile for years now. everytime she starts to soften, she catches herself b/c I think she doesnt want to be hurt and vulnerable again but how happy can you be living like that....... I do believe this OM is in love with me and I def. developed major feelings for him, just not sure if its b/c of the way he makes me feel.........which is amazing when we are together b/c that is the sole purpose for us.......making one another feel great....like I said, there is no noise when we are together.........it is a living fantasy...... with that said, he still hasnt left either and he is still there and I guarantee if I continue this NC stuff........he will move on to find someone else to fill those voids........
Author Walking away Posted March 6, 2006 Author Posted March 6, 2006 We were dynamic together. Strangers would always comment to us on how attractive and in sync we were together. This was not a fantasy. We know everything about each others' lives, pasts, dreams, desires. Neither one of us was prepared for the onslaught of emotions that developed. And, now, neither one of us is prepared for the emotional damage of the break up. He is a wonderful man. I can see why his wife and friends love him so. But, that doesn't change the facts of the matter. My heart is bleeding inside and so is his. I feel that we are at that critical juncture in this relationship. Something is going to give and soon....
CeeJayXXX Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 I feel the pain for both of you here. I see my own relationship as I read both of your posts. My MM and I work well together. Our relationship is that of a picture perfect love affair but with the flaw of both of us having significant others. We have a very open and honest relationship. We can share anything with each other - no matter what the subject. But with all that said, the triangle is taking a tole on me as well. There is no possibility of leaving our spouses. We acknowledged that right off the bat. So I constantly ask myself, why am I doing this knowing that it will never get any better than our best moment together. It's a tough situation but I admire both of you for the respect you have for yourselves in walking away. Thank you for your insightful posts.
lizad Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 walking away.......I understand EXACTLY what you are talking about.... the OM and I were just like that......2years of speaking everyday and seeing each other multiple times a week....... he lives almost two hours from me. I also understand where your MM is coming from b/c even know we are both married......i believe if I left he would be waiting at the doorstep..... My emotions ran the gamet.....to wanting sooooo badly to be with him and to not break up my family........ it's a really hard situation to deal with. I have and continue to feel that if we are truly meant to be together one day like that, we will be........ life is funny, you just never know. you sound like such a sweet caring person.......hang in there. things tend to work themselves out.......
grateful Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 You can do this! You've already started and that's the hardest part. My tip would be to stop focusing on thoughts like this one: We were dynamic together. Strangers would always comment to us on how attractive and in sync we were together. This was not a fantasy. We know everything about each others' lives, pasts, dreams, desires. Neither one of us was prepared for the onslaught of emotions that developed. . I know you can't stop cold turkey. I would suggest giving yourself a time limit when thoughts like this creep into your head. When it starts, say OK I'll give into the bittersweet reminiscing for two song lengths (say you are driving and listening to the radio) or for 20 minutes or until I finish washing the dishes [whatever external time limit you can come up with that works for you]. And then I will put it away and A) call my friend. B) write a journal entry about prioritizing myself and feeling good about myself. C) Reread a post in LS in which I demonstrate I am prioritizing myself and feeling good about myself. It gives you a tool to take control of your own thoughts. Plan to fail a lot in the beginning, because these kinds of thoughts are very powerful, but keep working because eventually you will succeed more than you fail. It's just a tip and may or may not work for you. But whatever you do, keep it up! You are doing a good thing!
Author Walking away Posted March 7, 2006 Author Posted March 7, 2006 Thanks. This is so hard. I worked all day today, which is a blessing. My MM has called asking me if I would be okay if he separated and divorced. I told him no. I would feel better emotionally, but I do not want him to leave for me...I want him to leave for him. He would resent me for "forcing" his hand before he was ready to make that move. I want him, but I want him free of the ugliness of the affair and the trauma of the family upheaval. He would leave for me probably, but there would be a tremendous amount of damage. I do not know if he or I could live with the guilt. And, that is my update. I am holding on for the moment. Thanks for all of the kind words and advice. You are very special people and non judgemental. For this, I thank you.
scarletletter Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 You are a very strong person. The worst of it has to be over by telling him that you can't do this any longer and then being honest with yourself by following through. If you have made it this far, you can do it. I can feel your pain by just putting myself in your place...very tough. I hope you will take the advice from the others and not be too hard on yourself. Time heals all wounds even when you don't think that is possible right now. Good luck.
Author Walking away Posted March 7, 2006 Author Posted March 7, 2006 I wish it could be true that the worst of it is over. Somehow, I think that I am just beginning my walk of pain. Thanks for the encouragement.
Author Walking away Posted March 7, 2006 Author Posted March 7, 2006 Ah...Fifty ways to leave your lover....
joodee Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 Hi, I just read your thread, and I am glad I got to give you a good laugh and bring some light into things. That's so tough to be where you are right now, I know. Stay strong and take it day by day. You are doing the right thing.
Author Walking away Posted March 8, 2006 Author Posted March 8, 2006 Thanks joodee. You DID make me laugh. I appreciate all of the support.
Author Walking away Posted March 8, 2006 Author Posted March 8, 2006 My MM called today....after a lengthy conversation, I told him to call me when he was free. I feel just awful. I feel relief, yet, I feel destroyed. He left work today (which is something he NEVER does). He told me that I have rendered him incapable of functioning today. He is now home in bed, sick because of the breakup. I know I did the right thing....I let him go. But, boy, does this hurt.... At least I am not in bed. I am functioning okay at the moment. Anyone been where I am?
Owl Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 Well, something for you to be aware of. Affairs are EXTREMELY addictive...to both parties involved, but ESPECIALLY the MM/MW who is having all of their needs met by TWO people. You're BOTH dealing with that addiction now. That's why both of you feel at different times like you're not capable of functioning. It's withdrawl...just EXACTLY as if you were addicted to drugs and trying to break free. It's a psychological addiction...it's chemicals in your brain that create this. The only way to TRULY end the affair is by establishing and KEEPING absolutely no contact. Once you cross the line, it's pretty much impossible to go back to just being friends. I've not been where you are...but my wife was at one point in our marriage. And helping her deal with things taught me a LOT about how affairs work. And I helped nurse her through this same withdrawl when she ended her affair with OM...and I can tell you that this REALLY DOES FADE WITH TIME...as long as NO CONTACT is implemented.
Author Walking away Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 Update: He told his wife yesterday about me. As you can imagine, it has been horrific. She has called me...I apologized to her...He has called me apologizing to me. He is in the middle of hell right now. He told her that he loves me but that he can't continue with me, so I e-mailed him back that I am setting him free. I love him, but he doesn't need me in this situation any longer. He needs to make a decision about what he needs to do, and I cannot be a part of this incredibly stressful situation for him. He needs to make his decisions without me involved. I did do the right thing, by letting him go, I believe. I am just reeling that all of this happened....I could sure use some constructive advice.
Recommended Posts