CheatedOn Posted March 4, 2006 Posted March 4, 2006 My husband confesses to having a relationship with another woman who was his childhood friend. She lives overseas and he visits her occasionally whenever he can. I found out about the affair a month ago (it's been going on for 5 years and we got married in between) and confronted him. He confesses to it but is unsure as to who he really wants. We are now seperated so he can sort out his feelings. However, from what I can gather by his actions, I guess he is really in love with her. Their text messages are really spiced with sexual innuendos (he don't even want to cuddle or touch me the way he used to although we still make love sometimes). He can't wait to check his mobile phone for messages from her. He can go for days without contacting me. Sometimes I get the feelings he really want to go and be with her and the only thing that is holding him back is is job and for financial reasons. He tells me he still loves me but how can that be? He also tells me he loves her and don't want to give up either of us but has agreed to a seperation. He cried when I first suggested a divorce. How can he loves two woman at the same time?
Chump64 Posted March 4, 2006 Posted March 4, 2006 I think it's possible for someone to love two people at the same time. I don't think it can last, though. Something / someone has got to give. This sounds like a tough situation. My husband was also involved in a long term affair. If I were you, I would be really confused about the fact that he married you in the middle of the affair. Have you talked to a counselor yet? I guess the bottom line is that he needs to decide which person he "wants," and end the relationship with the other person. I hope he chooses you, if that's what you want. Good luck.
Seen_It_All Posted March 4, 2006 Posted March 4, 2006 Fantasy is always better than reality, right? Your H seems to be lost in his fantasy world of the perfect woman, and the perfect 'love.' After all, it's not like he has to face REALITY with her, right? No, he doesn't have to sit down and pay the bills with her, or clean the garage, attend back-to-school night or help the kids with their homework when he's talking to her or he's with her, now does he? No. Their relationship is based on fantasy and it's very EASY to get caught up in 'what if?' And as long as you'll allow him to have both of you because he's 'confused' and 'loves two women at the same time,' then he'll continue to do so. But what if fantasy becomes REALITY? What if all of a sudden he doesn't have the comfort and safety of home and hearth? He's about to see what that's REALLY like with the enforced separation you discussed with him. Good for you. STICK TO IT. You'll never get ANYWHERE if you continue to allow him to spin his wheels without having to FACE the results of his actions. Let him go, CheatedOn. And once he's out of the house, DON'T allow him to continually come back for creature comforts such as homecooked dinners, sex, emotional bonding - NOTHING. If you do, he's never going to see what REAL life is like without you and will continue in his fantasy world. No half way. Do it ALL the way, 100%. Good luck to you.
tweldy Posted March 5, 2006 Posted March 5, 2006 CO - I have nothing to add in terms of steps to take for your marriage, but your story is very sad and this must be very hard on you. I would suggest you find something to do for yourself - get away for a weekend, find a class you've always wanted to take, or pick up a hobby that interests you. This is a difficult thing to have to deal with and you deserve something positive for yourself. I wish you the best.
harleygirl92156 Posted March 5, 2006 Posted March 5, 2006 I guess the bottom line is that he needs to decide which person he "wants," I think the bottom line that YOU need to decide what you want! YOU need to take care of yourself!! If he decided it was you he wanted, would you EVER trust him? Could you work through it and have a stronger relationship? Would you always feel like he just settled for you because it was more convenient? Are YOU willing to work through the mess he created? Is he willing to go to counseling? The CHOICE here as I see it is YOURS not his! My husband cheated, we are working it out and I believe in the end will have a closer relationship, BUT my circumstances are quite different, he ended it before I found out, he chose me without hesitation and he has spent the past year doing EVERYTHING he can to make our marriage work and believe me I was not a very pleasant person to be around the first 6-9 months. I don't think under your circumstances I would ALLOW him to make the decision, YOU are the one holding the cards, play them so the outcome is what is BEST for you. That may not necessarily be what you want right now, but what is best for you in your life. While you give him time to decide who he wants, THINK about what kind of life you want and DESERVE!
Chump64 Posted March 5, 2006 Posted March 5, 2006 Excellent point about choices, HG. I guess I was assuming that CheatedOn wanted to stay with him. Not sure why I assumed that.
Author CheatedOn Posted March 6, 2006 Author Posted March 6, 2006 Hi everyone,Thanks for your input & great advise.Only complications is I am carrying his child. I am leaning towards a divorce as the more I see of him, the more flaws I see in him and I don't think I can live with that. I will agree to remain civil for the sake of our child but I don't think I will ever the what I was to him.
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