Clevelandfan Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 I haven't posted in awhile thinking that I was getting better but lately I have been having a setback. Here's the link to the long story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=585871#post585871 Anyway,..the short of it is that she was doing significant things with a "friend" when it was clear that I wasn't going to pay her rediculous bills while she would work when/if she felt like it. She wanted us to "work on" her getting pregnant because we are getting married anyway and I told her that I wanted to wait until we got married. Sounds rational right? Anyway since the breakup,..she moved this "friend" in (I'm sure he caught her up on her house payments she was behind on) a week after we broke up and got engaged sometime shortly thereafter. I found out in January that she was 3-4 months pregnant and that would've put her getting pregnant right around the time we broke up. Surprise, surprise,..Well,...since then she has explained how regretful and miserable she is. She is certain that she is not going to marry this man so she is surely using him while she needs him around to pay the bills. I asked her why she did this and she said she was hormonal (she's 32 and her clock is ticking ,..you know) and she was being spiteful of me to some degree and thought "screw it" and moved him in. She'll never say she cheated but I know she did in my gut. She says she loves me and all those things I wanted to hear a long time ago. She sent me some Valentine day e-cards etc... Imagine this,..she is engaged, pregnant, living with the father and has been contacting me from time to time saying how much she misses and loves me. She said she wants to marry me and have a big family together. It is totally messing with my head because I can't understand, if she truely did/does love me,..why would she get impregnanted by another man??? Anyway,..my question is,..why can't I finally let go? It's obvious that she acts shadier than a California red oak, but she can make me melt at times and I try to believe what she tells me. She contacts me from time to time, on her terms of course. Lately she has been blowing me off. She says she doesn't have any time alone to contact me because her guy quit his PT job and his other work is seasonal. Sorry so long,...my other question is,..Could I raise this child from infancy with out feeling resentful of my ex and make this work? Could I deal with this babys father on a regular basis without it tearing me up inside? Anyone delt with a similar situation and had it turn out well? Thanks in advance.
Becoming Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 Frankly, it sounds like this woman is not rational at all and a man-user. Why would you want her in your life? I'm sure she has good qualities; even Hitler loved dogs and babies. But look objectively at what she's done? If a woman did this to your brother or friend, what would you say? So why are you willing to get involved again? What is it in you that this woman triggers that YOU need to deal with--without her.
CaliGuy Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 I'll give you the same advice now as I gave you then. She dumped you, probably cheated on you, shacked up with another guy and got pregnant. Now all the sudden she thinks you're the cat's meow??? Cleveland, you can let go when you realize you were played and ARE being played. Don't you feel you deserve better than this chick? Do me a favor please. Write down a list of all the bad things she did to you. Go ahead, do it. Read the list several times. Keep it in your wallet so that whenever you start to miss her or she tries to manipulate you, you can go back to the list and read it to remind you of why you should cut her out of your life completely. I'm not going through the exact same thing but I struggle too. Reminding myself of how she used me and how she only contacts me when it's convenient for her is enough for me to say "To hell with her." She purposely said nothing to me on my birthday. Given all I have done for her, that was the least she could do. Now she's emailing me all giddy about a work bonus??? WHO 'EFFIN' CARES?! She didn't have the kindness and compassion to contact me when I needed her the most, why should I care what is going on in her life? Same goes for you.
bendit Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 I remember you. I gave you my standard piece of advice to folks who contact POISON: Get away from it. But you ignored it. You have a simple problem. You CHOSE to stay in contact with someone who injects POISON into your system every time you interact. So you remain sick. And because you don't get away from the poison, you can't get the perspective you need to realize that to imagine any kind of life with her is insane. This woman uses you. She sleeps with someone then sends you a valentines day. And when her current flavor comes home, she unzips his pants and then...but she sent you a VCARD! You are Mr. Old reliable to her. She can go and F another man and yet you remain in contact with her, wondering if she "loves" you. You fantsize that you can raise this other man's CHILD and you two will enjoy sunsets together in Maui. Until you get strong enough to get away long enough to get her TOXINS out of your bloodstream, you have a very real danger of ruining your life. I gave you my advice over and over before. It was get away from this toxic person as fast as you can. And now you come back asking why you feel bad. You are in contact with POISON. Its not wonder you feel bad. Its not going to stop until YOU wise up. regards
CaliGuy Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 I remember you. I gave you my standard piece of advice to folks who contact POISON: Get away from it. But you ignored it. You have a simple problem. You CHOSE to stay in contact with someone who injects POISON into your system every time you interact. So you remain sick. And because you don't get away from the poison, you can't get the perspective you need to realize that to imagine any kind of life with her is insane. This woman uses you. She sleeps with someone then sends you a valentines day. And when her current flavor comes home, she unzips his pants and then...but she sent you a VCARD! You are Mr. Old reliable to her. She can go and F another man and yet you remain in contact with her, wondering if she "loves" you. You fantsize that you can raise this other man's CHILD and you two will enjoy sunsets together in Maui. Until you get strong enough to get away long enough to get her TOXINS out of your bloodstream, you have a very real danger of ruining your life. I gave you my advice over and over before. It was get away from this toxic person as fast as you can. And now you come back asking why you feel bad. You are in contact with POISON. Its not wonder you feel bad. Its not going to stop until YOU wise up. regards The poison analogy is a very good one, bendit. Well done.
In Sync Posted March 4, 2006 Posted March 4, 2006 ..Anyway,..my question is,..why can't I finally let go? It's obvious that she acts shadier than a California red oak, but she can make me melt at times and I try to believe what she tells me. The reason you can't turn the "switch off" and forget her is because there's a lesson in this experience you REFUSED to learn from it. When you hit that rock bottom feel enough pain that you say to yourself 'I can't do this anymore to myself' YOU WILL SWITCH OFF. At some point we've all decided we can't take one more painful moment from the ex...until then you will keep hurting yourself by staying in contact with this woman who is clearly doing you no good.
Author Clevelandfan Posted March 4, 2006 Author Posted March 4, 2006 Again,..you guys straighten me out,..thank you. Caliguy,...not that it matters but, I broke up with her after she continued a friendship with her now live-in, soon to be "baby daddy". I clearly wasn't ready to break up but my self-respect made me pull the trigger and since then I have been back and forth as to whether I should've handled it differently. What's done is done now and I can't get that back. That is what I have to finally realize. Bendit,... you are harsh man. I suppose I need to hear that though. In sync,...you are right, I am just hurting myself and she knows just getting in contact with me once and a while is enough to reopen the wound. I need to ignore her completely. It sounds to me like noone would even attempt to try to make something like this work. I understand why.
Becoming Posted March 4, 2006 Posted March 4, 2006 So why do you? Bzzzz. Wrong. Love is not an acceptable answer. There's something else going on in you that tolerates exposure to this poison. And for what it's worth, I think ben's "harshness" is probably the most loving response you got because it's the most truthful. And only the truth will set you free, man. As much as it hurts in the process. Courage.
bendit Posted March 4, 2006 Posted March 4, 2006 Clevelandfan, sorry for the directness of my post. I encourage you to seek some help with a therapist. This is not a criticism. I think you need to talk to someone who can help you get through this. I know from reading your story what a hold she has on you. I don't suggest therapy to everyone. But when I see someone who obviously has a very deep attachment to someone who is not healthy for them, then I suggest it. Please look into this. Kind Regards
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